The New Intimacy

My Poly other is trying to push me out

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Contributor: LittleA LittleA
To give a quick background...

I was at one point the mistress of this 3 some. My boyfriend of 9 years was married when we first started. He has been divorced for quite awhile, not completely because of that affair. His ex wife and he continued a sexual relationship. When he came clean about his swinging/open/poly tendencies to her we all started communicating more openly and honestly over the last 2-3 years. Less than a year ago, our public personas changed dramatically and my boyfriend and I have been able to be even closer and date in public, he has helped me financially, takes me on outings, and even recently we've agreed that our sexual partners be 'approved' with each other, instead of completely blind open dating. This hole time, we've all lived in separate homes, he stays over, I stay over, she stays over, and we even went out all together a few times.

However... since late January early February, She has started marking territory. She was angry when she found out I had dinner with him and his brother Christmas eve, made a stink every time we went to dinner, hacked into his phone and read months worth of texts between us and was livid about our exchanges. The icing on the cake... she had been 'leaving' things behind at his house since Christmas, and in February moved in, complete with turning his man house into ruffled pillow cases, fugly tjmaxx art, and house plants.

On top of this she has threatened to move back out several times, even texting me telling me she was leaving him (again....), but remains- and in essence it feels as though only to keep me from being in the house, which of course I haven't..

I'm trying to keep the peace, but this scales and measures thing is pretty contrary to this lifestyle and the arrangement we all made. Yes I know most of you will say, well he should put his foot down, blah blah blah, but its of course not that easy. She often uses their children as leverage and they have known each other since high school, so when it comes to him just not seeing these things he tends to be oblivious to it, he didn't even notice when the 'artwork' went up, until I asked him why it was there.

How do I handle this? I have never liked her as a person even before my sexual relationship started, and she obviously doesn't like me. But we all made an agreement and she's broken that agreement. He consistently remains loyal to me, is my support system, and more and more retreats to my house (which in turn is met buy repetitive phone call from her to his phone and texts to me that he's allegedly needed at home). I know I need to lay down some kind of law, but how do I do this without making him feel that both of his women are having temper tantrums and putting him in the middle?
04/01/2015
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Contributor: Lvstoplay Lvstoplay
Quote:
Originally posted by LittleA
To give a quick background...

I was at one point the mistress of this 3 some. My boyfriend of 9 years was married when we first started. He has been divorced for quite awhile, not completely because of that affair. His ex wife and he ... more
Have you asked him if he'd like to move in with you? Let her either take his house or find a place of her own. I'd also recommend that he end the relation ship with her completely.
04/22/2015
Contributor: LittleA LittleA
Quote:
Originally posted by Lvstoplay
Have you asked him if he'd like to move in with you? Let her either take his house or find a place of her own. I'd also recommend that he end the relation ship with her completely.
There in lies another annoyance, she was living in his house, that he still pays/paid for, he now lives in a company home, its part of his job, so on top of her there, she's basically forcing him to have a work relationship persona, so that my being there causes questions in which cause unnecessary questions or my not being able to go to company functions, which by the way are swanky and expensive, mighty convenient.
04/22/2015
Contributor: charmedtomeetyou charmedtomeetyou
(Review Program Mentor)
This situation has always been my issue with the poly lifestyle, which aside from some people's human nature seems like my ideal situation.

You really need to have all parties involved be of the same mindset, and if just one of them isn't, it really tips the apple cart. I think lots of people say they are fine with things that they really aren't fine with, which makes it hard for those who are being honest about what they're ok with. It sound to me that you and your man are of the right and stable mindset from a poly perspective....but she clearly isn't. Marking territory, trying to play mind games and attempting to keep him from spending meaningful time with you are all toxic behaviors that make a poly relationship impossible.

Seems like it's time for some tough choices. If she isn't being honest about what she's ok with, it's time to call her on that. That may not be your job, I tend to think it's his. If she's no longer ok with having a relationship with him while he's having a relationship with you as well, he has some choices to make. Either he wants to rekindle his marriage and not be with you (unlikely from the story you've laid out), or he needs to end his sexual relationship with her, not have her living with him and hopefully reach a point where they have a respectful friendship and parent together, with no romantic entanglement. It honestly sounds like she wants a marriage again, with you out of the picture. If that's not what he wants, that's a discussion they need to have, so everyone knows what everyone is feeling.

I know, I'm full of directions. Sorry if that came off pushy -- just my two cents.
04/22/2015
Contributor: Sei Sei
Honestly, talk to him about it. Explain how her attitude is toxic, to you and to his relationships with other people. If he won't correct the issue (because this seems an issue of him letting her cross everyone's boundaries without consequence) you might need to think about ending it with him.
Because that kind of attitude is extremely toxic for all involved. She's hurting herself, the guy, and you.
And while you can't correct her actions directly (though it might also be a thought to confront her about it, with him around, preferably), you can at least let the guy know that you believe she is hurting him and know that she is causing harm/distress to you. At which point he can either try to stop her from hurting him and help you keep from being hurt in the process, or you can remove yourself from the toxic situation to stop her from hurting you without his assistance.
That's what I'd do at least...
04/24/2015
Contributor: Pete's Princess Pete's Princess
(Review Program Mentor)
He really needs to make a choice between the two of you. Most people are not able to maintain a poly relationship because one gets territorial. This is in relationships where they all started off liking each other. When two of the three have never liked each other that was disaster from the start. If you really want a third in your relationship then pick someone you both can have a positive relationship with. The ex he cheated with you on just does not seem like a good choice on any level. There were reasons she is the ex. If she wants an exclusive relationship then it is not only hurting your relationship with him, it is cruel for him to keep her around. She most likely never wanted the poly relationship but wanted to keep him and would do anything to do so. Sometimes you have to end a relationship that will never meet the needs of the other person if you really love or care about them.

Do not entertain discussing any issues with her concerning his and her relationship. If she is fighting with him and wants to leave then she needs to find a therapist, a friend, or at least someone who likes her to discuss that with her. You need to tell her that you are not going to allow toxic talk around you. That kind of talk damages your relationship with him.

Poly relationships may work for some people but it does not sound like you are one of them.
05/05/2015
Contributor: LittleA LittleA
Quote:
Originally posted by LittleA
To give a quick background...

I was at one point the mistress of this 3 some. My boyfriend of 9 years was married when we first started. He has been divorced for quite awhile, not completely because of that affair. His ex wife and he ... more
I feel I should keep writing here since you all have been very helpful and the situation seems to be escalating.
This past weekend I was ambushed at his brother's party. Previous to it I had even questioned whether everyone was aware of me being there and going to act like adults, he said multiple times it would be fine, well that didn't happen. The moment I arrived she threw a temper tantrum and to make matters worse, involved their kids. He unfortunately was at work still so not only had to deal with it from afar, and while trying to work, but could not do anything to prevent it. I left, and he called vigorously apologizing, and now I'm dealing with the fallout, including getting hateful messages from her ( blocked her number immediately following) like I had come there not only with Ill intention but also like I punched her in the face and pissed on the wound, pardon the phrase. I had been invited, by his brother, who I've known for 13 years, been there numerous times, and he to my house.

I have not shown my BF, yet, what she wrote to me, I sent her one response, as tactfully as I could and included that she was blocked. I do not want him getting it from both sides, don't want to be an addition to the bitching that he's getting whether he's at work, at home, with his family, because thats what shes doing. He keeps telling me he's thinking about me and to be patient while he deals with his children, I get that. Its so hard to feel helpless though. So hard to want to help and be scared that it will just make things harder. I told him today that we are all to blame, to blame for thinking we could act like adults, that he needs to really be honest about whether keeping her close is making him happy.

Again thanks for those who have contributed, and I'm absolutely open to any more insight.
05/06/2015
Contributor: Pete's Princess Pete's Princess
(Review Program Mentor)
Quote:
Originally posted by LittleA
I feel I should keep writing here since you all have been very helpful and the situation seems to be escalating.
This past weekend I was ambushed at his brother's party. Previous to it I had even questioned whether everyone was aware of me ... more
That is unacceptable behavior in front of his kids as well. You need to lovingly and politely drop the whole matter into his lap. Tell him in the most objective way possible what happened and share her message to you and your reply. He is the one with the relationship with her not you which by definition makes this not a poly relationship but a love triangle.

She will only accept an exclusive relationship with him, so if he wants her that is the only terms that will work for her. If he wants you or to have you and other options, then he needs to end it with her for you, her, him and most especially the kids. Nothing is more disgusting and harmful than dragging your kids into your personal drama with their other parent. No matter how many times you tell the kids it is not their fault, they always think it is. He needs to put the kids first and get this situation under control. She will not grow up unless she is forced to.

He needs to tell her that if she cannot act in a civilized manner at family events then the kids can come but she will have to stay home. He also needs to have the backbone to enforce that if she gets out of hand again. She should not be creating drama at his brother's party or anywhere else. He needs to end the extracurricular activities with her so they can both move on. The longer it is dragged out the more it hurts everyone especially the kids.

Everyone involved needs to get some good counseling to work through why this behavior is happening and why others involved are enabling it.
05/06/2015