The New Intimacy

Do you feel that because so many poly/open relationships end bad it is really because they used it as an excuses rather than a frame of mind/ life choice?

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Contributor: Bellastorme Bellastorme
I do not mean to offend anyone and I am new to the term poly, but after reading a lot I started to think that in many cases it sounds like the people wanted a fantasy, threesome, or affair more than a poly/open relationship and may have used it as an excuse. Do you feel the same?

* I know all relationships and people are different but I am asking an in general or for the majority of them question*
Answers (private voting - your screen name will NOT appear in the results):
I think they were completely honest with themselves and relationships just fail.
15  (18%)
I think they were not sure or truthful with themselves and or partner(s) in what they wanted and felt.
41  (49%)
I am not sure how I feel.
27  (33%)
Total votes: 83
Poll is closed
01/26/2010
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Contributor: Dragon Dragon
I didn't vote because after my own experiences I find it too limiting. I think that in truth most people do not have the communication skills to be able to handle the unexpected emotions that result. I do not think that "most" people that open up their relationship aren't truthful or are enamored by a fantasy. They may be looking to add spice and believe they can always back away and talk about their feelings.

The reality is just a lot different than what you might expect.
01/26/2010
Contributor: Bellastorme Bellastorme
Quote:
Originally posted by Dragon
I didn't vote because after my own experiences I find it too limiting. I think that in truth most people do not have the communication skills to be able to handle the unexpected emotions that result. I do not think that "most" people ... more
Thank you, I was having trouble trying to get out what I was asking but I am glad you understood. I pretty much feel the same as you.
01/26/2010
Contributor: LicentiouslyYours LicentiouslyYours
Many people I've known, including myself, approach poly relationships believing, in theory, that the concept is a good one. But often, plain old insecurity and jealousy can cause issues that were unanticipated.

I am sure we all have an idea of what poly relationships look like (i.e. a fantasy or ideal) but like DBD said, reality is rarely exactly what our fantasy looked like.

I think the truth is not that people are looking for affairs (and if just a one time threesome is all they wanted, they shouldn't be getting into relationships with people to get one) so much that they are just human and poly requires advanced relationship skills.

Ultimately, I don't think we can really surmise what motivates "most" people to open their relationships to others, we can only say it can get complicated and being committed to making it work is important.
01/26/2010
Contributor: Airen Wolf Airen Wolf
(EF Review Program Mentor)
To be honest we could ask the same about monogamous relationships. Were the people really comitted to making it work or were they in love with being in love? Relationships are hard regardless of the number of people involved in them. The statistics for divorce show that often people are not ready to do the work of building and maintaining a relationship. People being people it seems to me to correlate that those types that are looking for "some spice" by seeking out others are trying to find a quick or easy way of fixing something broken in their relationship. (Now obviously this isn't always the case, sometimes the couple are secure and really looking for spice to add to their already tasty relationship stew.)

Personally I feel poly relationships fail when the participants are not willing or able to utilize good relationship building skills...the same problem monogamous couples have. It takes work to make any relationship healthy and comfortable from co-workers to friendships to love interests.

For us opening our marriage actually saved our marriage by forcing us to work out our problems because our life partner wouldn't rest until we faced the fact that we loved each other and needed to work out our problems. That and he wouldn't have sex until he was sure his presence wouldn't destroy my marriage, he's prouod to not be a homewrecker! I wanted the man, Sigel wanted to watch me wanting the man, Arch wanted a place in our lives that was his own and it is working so far.
Will it last? I have no crystal ball to be able to answer that. Most relationships end but I am a stubborn bitch when I fall in love and I don't let go easily. My guys are the same so for as long as it works we'll hold on. Far from being fatalistic this attitude allows us to take a mature look at our lives and the state of our relationships and make decisions that benefit ALL of us. Should that benefit mean that one or both will leave, I still wouldn't have missed this ride for the world!
01/29/2010
Contributor: KinkyShay KinkyShay
I didn't vote because I can't speak for others. Some people are wired for poly. Some are wired for monogamy. Some, like me, only had knowledge of one way of doing things (monogamy) and poly didn't come easy. Having said that, now that I AM poly, I love it and I know it's what feels right for me.
02/03/2010
Contributor: fungo fungo
I've seen it both ways. My wife and I have been involved with others for several years now and it's done nothing to distract from our relationship. In fact, it's enhanced it significantly in more ways than I could list.

We have, however, seen many a couple (some close friends included) enter into the lifestyle for all the wrong reasons, only to crash and burn. Some recover. Some don't.

You can never use additional relationships to fix your primary bond and if your primary bond is weak then outside affairs will feed those weaknesses.

If however you enter into it slowly, deliberately, and armed with some education of how to deal with your feelings (and agreements/boundaries) your chances of success are improved.

I suppose looking back, my wife and I didn't choose an open relationship. We just did what came natural until one day we realized "we're living an open relationship." In my opinion that makes all the difference in the world.
05/19/2010
Contributor: Midway through Midway through
I actually am friends with a few people that so far have had a successful poly household. However, I have seen people destroy relationships due to fantasies about having more than one girl. One of my friends lives with two guys, and their all three in a relationship together and have been for about 3 years now. Everything seems to be going fine. But sometimes, people may think they want poly relationships/househol ds and then discover the grass isn't greener on the other side like they thought. Perhaps it's a combination of people who go for fantasy, and people who are inexperienced and therefore don't know exactly what they're jumping into. I think a poly household is a great idea, but that's because I've seen it work really well. So who knows
07/18/2010
Contributor: Taylor Violet LXIX Taylor Violet LXIX
I think it really depends on the people. Being poly is something that is not for everyone, and it doesn't work with just any combination of people. That said, it can be a really enjoyable experience as long as A) everyone is completely honest with themselves and each other and B) there are specific ground rules that are set to limit mis-communication and confusion.
07/23/2010
Contributor: buzzvibe buzzvibe
I really don't know. I've had monogamous relationships end badly due to lack of communication and one or both of us not being honest with ourselves, so it's entirely possible.
07/25/2010
Contributor: SexyySarah SexyySarah
I put I'm not sure how to feel because I think EVERY relationship is different, some could fail because of it, some just might not have been meant to be.
07/25/2010
Contributor: PassionQT PassionQT
I write this as my partner is downstairs having breakfast with his special friend. He comes and spends a weekend every now and then with our family and I'm fine with it. I know it is more than just a fling or affair. He stays in the guest bedroom when he is here, but I'm sure after myself and the kids are in bed, they have a little cuddle time. I actually encourage it. I don't feel neglected, unloved, nor jealous, but that's just me. In fact last night, hubby took half the kids to one movie while the eldest, his BF, and I saw another movie.

This type of lifestyle isn't for most people, that's for sure, but we can't judge those who live it either, especially when all parties know from the start what they are getting in to. It's all about the communication.
07/25/2010
Contributor: Sir Sir
I do not assume. So I generally would base it half-half - some people's relationships ended based on the fact that they were bullshit (excuse my language), and others ended based on the fact that it simply was not working out!
07/25/2010
Contributor: Avant-garde Avant-garde
I think relationships just happen to fail whether its poly or monogamous. I am not sure if one or the other has a higher chance of failure.
07/25/2010
Contributor: Timaree Timaree
this varies greatly, obviously and no one thing can be broadly applied to all people and combinations.

here's a column on people who fantasize about opening up their relationships and whether or not they should: link
08/07/2010
Contributor: deltalima deltalima
A lot of times, I have seen poly/open relationships fail because one or more partners because jealous or felt left out. In the end, nature took over for them.
08/08/2010
Contributor: Sera Sera
Quote:
Originally posted by Bellastorme
I do not mean to offend anyone and I am new to the term poly, but after reading a lot I started to think that in many cases it sounds like the people wanted a fantasy, threesome, or affair more than a poly/open relationship and may have used it as an ... more
I don't think it's right at all. To me it's exactly like cheating, and I'm a bit sickened.
08/16/2010
Contributor: Airen Wolf Airen Wolf
(EF Review Program Mentor)
Quote:
Originally posted by Sera
I don't think it's right at all. To me it's exactly like cheating, and I'm a bit sickened.
I'm sorry you feel that way, but polyamory is nothing like cheating. My partners are not cheated in any way out of any experience they desire. We are open about what we are doing at any given minute of the day.
My husband has never desired to "own" my sex and prefers the act of compersion to jealousy. Our life partner is grateful to be able to love me openly and fully while basking in the love and adoration my husband and I share for each other and for him. Our children are happy, healthy and have three devoted parents who are, themselves, happy and satisfied with life.
I'm not sure what in all of this sickens you but I would prefer to assume you are referring to Bellastorme's original theory that the downfall of polyamory seems to be that people choose it for the wrong reasons.
08/16/2010
Contributor: deadpoet deadpoet
I really don't know how to answer this question
08/24/2010
Contributor: softkkisses softkkisses
I don't know to many people who have open marriages and it did not work for them I think it was because they where truly not in love with their partner. After it was over that's what they have told me.
09/02/2010
Contributor: SeXXXcapades SeXXXcapades
This isn't something you should decide on over night. Lot's of communication is needed to make sure both people in the relationship are comfortable and boundaries need to be in place before having any experiences.
09/08/2010
Contributor: VieuxCarre VieuxCarre
My last relationship was a poly one and it ended because we wanted different end goals. I ultimately want to be the primary partner and the one and only. He was married and had another girlfriend besides me as well as a lot of fuck buddies. Needless to say, I had a lot of insecurities with him even though he cared about me a lot.

Poly just doesn't work for some people and it's not the fault of the people. Some relationships just don't work and kudos to the people who do have poly work for them.
09/08/2010
Contributor: Trashley Trashley
I know there's lots of polys out there, real ones, just like real bisexuals. I've tried it but my partners only want the taboo sexual experience but once it wears off, they get so protective of me and eventually it all breaks down. This has happened to every other poly relationship I've ever witnessed as well... but I think if you all really want THAT situation and are honest about it, it can all work.. it just takes a strong and different type of person. Right now, there isn't a lot of that person in the world, unfortunately.
11/22/2010
Contributor: Lady Neshamah Lady Neshamah
they fail the same way that mono relationships fail, if there isn't trust and honesty, it's going to end badly.
12/18/2010
Contributor: A Good Girl A Good Girl
Poly takes a lot of work, and sometimes no matter how hard you try it fails.
01/23/2011
Contributor: lkb lkb
There are cases on success and failure in both poly and monogamous relationships. Sometimes people aren't meant for non-monogamy or expect it to be different than it is. Sometimes people aren't meant for monogamy. It works both ways.
03/03/2011
Contributor: horngry horngry
Just as mono, poly relationships don't come to an end BECAUSE they're poly.
04/11/2011
Contributor: tammyandy69 tammyandy69
Everything takes work..so work it out or work on the door. It is not because people are using polly/open relationships as an exscuse to play or do bad things. That happens because they want to. I know many couples in both types of relationships, sometimes they work sometimes they don't. That's the way it is..
05/25/2011
Contributor: MidnightStorm MidnightStorm
I was recently in an "open" relationship with my ex, but it was very much a forced relationship. He wasn't the type to commit and I just let him walk all over me. Even though I feel like I can "deal" with that type of relationship, it's not in my nature--the truth of the matter is that I want my lover to myself, as many of us do in the end, I think.

I definitely think that many of these relationships fail because people aren't completely open with themselves. In my case, for example, I WANT to be open to a poly-amorous relationship because I think it's a wonderful idea, and because I'm NOT open to it, I feel that I'm being selfish/greedy. In the end, sometimes that's just the way we are, though! ( And that's one thing that I've learned that it's okay to be a little selfish about, at least. )
11/10/2011
Contributor: Airen Wolf Airen Wolf
(EF Review Program Mentor)
Quote:
Originally posted by MidnightStorm
I was recently in an "open" relationship with my ex, but it was very much a forced relationship. He wasn't the type to commit and I just let him walk all over me. Even though I feel like I can "deal" with that type of ... more
Wanting to be in a momogamous relationship isn't greedy or selfish unless you want this because you want to own your partner's sexuality or deny them freedom to choose! There are millions of people perfectly happy in long term monogamous relationships wherein both parties CHOSE to be monogamous. It works the same with poly, incidentally, if all parties are not invested in being poly then it isn't going to be a harmonious household.
If you want to be monogamous MidnightStorm then all the power to you! You are being true to yourself and making a choice, so celebrate that.
11/11/2011