The New Intimacy

Do you feel persecuted?

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Contributor: Airen Wolf Airen Wolf
(EF Review Program Mentor)
I have seen on the forums that people feel very strongly about their particular lovestyles, so I am opening this to everyone:
Regardless of your particular relationship configuration, do you feel judged and even persecuted even though you are happy and not hurting anyone?
Do you sometimes answer questions with hostility because you are tired of feeling like no matter how happy you are someone else is STILL going to say you are wrong for loving however you love?
03/23/2012
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Contributor: Airen Wolf Airen Wolf
(EF Review Program Mentor)
Quote:
Originally posted by Airen Wolf
I have seen on the forums that people feel very strongly about their particular lovestyles, so I am opening this to everyone:
Regardless of your particular relationship configuration, do you feel judged and even persecuted even though you are ... more
My point in this line of questioning is to show that we are all facing the same issues regardless of how many partners we have, or what their gender is. I have noticed that no matter where a relationship question is posted this community seems uneasy with lovestyle diversity even though we seem fairly comfortable with sexuality and gender issues. We have decided and are very comfortable with saying that loving anal play doesn't mean a guy is homosexual or even desiring homosexual sex, however, let a person admit that they love it when their partner has sex with another partner and the claws and teeth come out! It is the exact same when a person admits that they are very happily monogamous.

I hope that one day we can all look up and say that love is not a zero sum commodity and should be embraced in whatever form it's offered.
Jealousy shouldn't be the driving force in a relationship anymore than anger should be.
I hope that one day we can feel free to discuss our lovestyles without feeling like we have to give advice that involves physically harming a partner for 'cheating'. Some of the answers to "what should I do if my partner cheats" that I've seen on this forum scare me.
The judgemental idea that people who enjoy open or poly relationships are commitment phobic or fundamentally 'wrong' hurts just as much as hearing that monogamy is un-natural and out moded.

So let's share our pain and hopefully arrive at some understanding and compromise.
03/23/2012
Contributor: underHim underHim
I frankly do not care what type of relationship other people are in, if they are happy and no one is being hurt (unless they want to be hurt ) then it is all good. As long as they do not attempt to change my personal beliefs and try and convince me their ideas are better than mine, I am fine with it. I am personally in a very monogomous relationship where sharing would never even be considered, but for people who want to have open relationships, if that works for them that is fine.

I would not be okay with my husband being with anyone else because that is not the type of relationship we are in and it is not what we have agreed to. We are both very jealous individuals when it comes to interactions with the opposite sex, and even flirting is not ok. This seems a bit overboard to some, and we have both been accused of being overly posessive and I have actually had people concerned (unnecessarily) for my welfare. I would never hurt him and he would never hurt me. Since we are both so very possessive and jealous we fit together perfectly. We joke that no one else would ever be able to tolerate either of us. He wants to keep me locked away, and I want him to throw away the key.

We get looked at oddly sometimes because he is about twice my age, but we have been together for long enough now where it does not bother us anymore. We also get less looks now that we have a child together as if that makes it more ok, I dont get it. You do what you want, I will do what I want, and we will not try to convince eachother that we are right and it is fine.

I will be very interested to see what other people have to say on this as well.
03/23/2012
Contributor: Airen Wolf Airen Wolf
(EF Review Program Mentor)
Quote:
Originally posted by underHim
I frankly do not care what type of relationship other people are in, if they are happy and no one is being hurt (unless they want to be hurt ) then it is all good. As long as they do not attempt to change my personal beliefs and try and convince me ... more
It's interesting to me to see that there a thread of that same persecution feeling in your post. You are happy and your man is happy. You have a child together and resent that this SOMEHOW legitimizes your happiness in the eyes of others...and you SHOULD resent that! The only thing that should make your happiness legitimate and 'right' is how you feel. Whatever you decide to do in or out of your bedroom is your business!

I, too, have had people act silly about Sigel. He is a very passionate man and built but he has never offered to harm me physically but I was prevented from leaving the hospital with him after my son was born because they thought he would beat me or hurt my son! He NEVER raised his voice and asked for the papers affirming he was not the father of my son...but they wouldn't let him sign the papers in the same room as Arch! When Sigel came to the hospital he hugged Arch after asking how I was and how the baby was but they still offered to call family services to be sure I wasn't beaten and kept asking me if I thought he would hurt my son! It was painful and finally just made me angry enough to call my Dr. and get discharged early.

So ya I have a real problem with other people deciding how I should feel and how I should act...is it any wonder?
03/30/2012
Contributor: tammyandy69 tammyandy69
Quote:
Originally posted by Airen Wolf
It's interesting to me to see that there a thread of that same persecution feeling in your post. You are happy and your man is happy. You have a child together and resent that this SOMEHOW legitimizes your happiness in the eyes of others...and ... more
After readding this I am left wondering...the hospital staff assumed that he was abusive because he was PASSIONATE( meaning he is vocal sort of man??) and because he is built( meaning in shape??). I find that diploreable...
I could see if he threatened you or something but if he did nothing like that then the staff should have minded there own buisness.
04/11/2012
Contributor: tammyandy69 tammyandy69
but to anwser you question...every day we feel persecuted for our beliefs. Not just about our lifestyle but the fact we don't buy into the American right...
04/11/2012
Contributor: Airen Wolf Airen Wolf
(EF Review Program Mentor)
Quote:
Originally posted by tammyandy69
After readding this I am left wondering...the hospital staff assumed that he was abusive because he was PASSIONATE( meaning he is vocal sort of man??) and because he is built( meaning in shape??). I find that diploreable...
I could see if he ... more
He is a well spoken man and his voice carries but isn't overly loud. He is built and could put a hurting on someone. The real problem is he is WAY over protective of me and stands about 6 inches taller than I do. So they were all worried he was going to be angry and all alpha male about the child being a boy (?) as if a girl was no consequence!

The real problem is they had an incident where a woman was divorcing her husband because she was having another man's baby and the husband tried to kill her, the other man and the child. So I can understand their caution but FFS we are VERY well known in the community and Sigel would NEVER raise a hand to me or a child....ANY child.
04/12/2012
Contributor: CynicallyYours CynicallyYours
I have often found myself defending my relationship choices and then wondering why I bother to defend. Instead of defending I try to take the questions I get about the alternative lifestyle I lead as teaching moments. Once in a while I get through to people. Most of the time they just kinda look at me like I'm crazy.
04/12/2012
Contributor: tammyandy69 tammyandy69
Quote:
Originally posted by Airen Wolf
He is a well spoken man and his voice carries but isn't overly loud. He is built and could put a hurting on someone. The real problem is he is WAY over protective of me and stands about 6 inches taller than I do. So they were all worried he was ... more
Isn't that being kinda like profiled by the cops, I understand there concern as well just not their approach on handling it.
04/17/2012
Contributor: badk1tty badk1tty
Quote:
Originally posted by Airen Wolf
I have seen on the forums that people feel very strongly about their particular lovestyles, so I am opening this to everyone:
Regardless of your particular relationship configuration, do you feel judged and even persecuted even though you are ... more
Judged, yes. Persecuted? I'm not sure.
04/20/2012
Contributor: Airen Wolf Airen Wolf
(EF Review Program Mentor)
Quote:
Originally posted by tammyandy69
Isn't that being kinda like profiled by the cops, I understand there concern as well just not their approach on handling it.
To be fair I understand that when it comes to children people tend to be a bit irrational..it was just scary to me. I was in a state of hormone flux and to my mind they were saying they were going to 'investigate' my family based solely on the fact that my husband wasn't the father of my son...and that my son's father was involved so completely in our lives. The worst part was it wasn't a morality issue they were totally going from an abuse angle and labling a man who wouldn't raise a hand to me to save himelf. I could see how it was making Sigel feel like he had no place there when he is as much a part of our baby's existance as Arch and I. It was scary...like he was guilty just because these people believed that all men MUST behave like rutting brutes.
It caused Sigel to believe he had no place in Monkey's life and brough up old feelings of being 'in the way' that we had dealt with long before. A baby should be a cause for celebration, not make you feel like an outsider in your own home. I kinda get all 'Mama Bear' when my partners are being treated unfairly, especially where Sigel is concerned! He rarely defends himself.
I feel like a simple, "Hey if there's a problem here and you are worried about your safety or your baby's, let us know...we're here to help" would have been more than sufficient. Or here's a thought LISTENING without judging would have been a major step forward.
04/21/2012