The New Intimacy

Are you Familiar with Polyamory?

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Contributor: Serendipity Serendipity
From Wikipedia - "Polyamory (from Greek p??? [poly, meaning many or several] and Latin amor [love]) is the practice, desire, or acceptance of having more than one intimate relationship at a time with the knowledge and consent of everyone involved."

What is your understanding of the practice of polyamory?

This poll is private but please feel free to participate in discussions. If you want to contribute to the discussion, are you poly or would you consider being poly?
Answers (private voting - your screen name will NOT appear in the results):
Polyamory means you get to have ALOT of sex!
21
umm, is this like Big Love?
6
I think polyamory is like swinging.
14
I think polyamory is similar to open relationships.
145
I have never heard of polyamory before.
6
I think polyamory does not necessarily mean you are having sex with more than one person, but it does mean a committed relationship.
101
I think polyamory is alot about communication in relationships.
143
Total votes: 436 (244 voters)
Poll is closed
10/08/2010
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Contributor: Serendipity Serendipity
I am polyamorous and have been for the majority of my life since I began having intimate relationships.

In my late teen years I was not familiar with the term poly, but knew that I was not interested in being monogamous. I enjoyed dating more than one person but I guess at that time I would have considered myself in open relationships. That is, my other partners did not necessarily know of each other and I did not feel the need to discuss any parts of my relationships with the other parties involved.

Poly is far from being 'slutty' or having much promiscuous sex. In retrospect, I think people involved in serious, long-term poly relationships find that there is much communication and work that goes into these relationships. There is negotiation in terms of whether one of your partners may be considered primary, and others secondary or tertiery.

Further negotiation may take place regarding what intimate acts may or may not be involved in all relationships and if some/all parties may be fluid bonded or not.

Poly works for me because I do not expect that one person can provide me with every facet I am seeking in a partner, and I anticipate that I cannot do the same for them. Also, I am queer and date men/women/transgender folks so I may find myself in a relationship with more than one gender and perhaps dating a couple at any given time.

At the moment, I am not seeking a primary partner but prefer to be considered a secondary. That works for me because I am extremely busy with my career (always working more than one job to pay the rent and seek further occupations I may feel more passionate about like toy reviews!), I am a parent, I have several pets, I am an active volunteer, I have flexible part time studies and I like my down time just for myself! I think the majority of my fellow EF colleagues know what I am talking about, LOL.

But just because someone isn't looking for a full-time relationship doesn't mean you cannot have something part-time, meaningful and committed.

I welcome open and respectful discussion and I am open to answer any questions of curiosity.
10/08/2010
Contributor: Madeira Madeira
Quote:
Originally posted by Serendipity
From Wikipedia - "Polyamory (from Greek p??? [poly, meaning many or several] and Latin amor [love]) is the practice, desire, or acceptance of having more than one intimate relationship at a time with the knowledge and consent of everyone ... more
One of my roommates (I live with my girlfriend and two roommates) is polyamorous. She's got a steady boyfriend and is dating a few other people as well.

I am not polyamorous. I am polysexual, I like being able to sleep around, but I prefer to be romantically monogamous if you see what I mean. I like being one on one in a couple, always sharing a bed with the same person, and so on and so fourth. Both my partner and I enjoy sleeping with other people (hell it's something we often do together) but I don't relish the idea of loving someone else romantically, or her loving someone else romantically and she feels the same.
10/09/2010
Contributor: Serendipity Serendipity
Quote:
Originally posted by Madeira
One of my roommates (I live with my girlfriend and two roommates) is polyamorous. She's got a steady boyfriend and is dating a few other people as well.

I am not polyamorous. I am polysexual, I like being able to sleep around, but I ... more
@Madeira, I hear where you are coming from. There are so many ways to negotiate what works for each person/couple. I could not imagine only being sexually intimate with one person for the rest of my life. What if everything about them was completely lovely, except they didn't like to give oral and you love receiving? Personally, I don't want sympathy oral, I want someone that I find hot that likes to chew on my bits doing just that.

But I don't want to lose all the great stuff I have with the person I am otherwise so happy with either. I think with trust, honesty, excellent communication and the security each of you share in your commitment to each other, so many things are possible.

Thanks for sharing.
10/09/2010
Contributor: Trashley Trashley
Quote:
Originally posted by Madeira
One of my roommates (I live with my girlfriend and two roommates) is polyamorous. She's got a steady boyfriend and is dating a few other people as well.

I am not polyamorous. I am polysexual, I like being able to sleep around, but I ... more
...are you.. me?
10/10/2010
Contributor: VieuxCarre VieuxCarre
Being in a polyamorous relationship does not mean having a lot of sex. I was in a relationship with a man who was married and had another girlfriend after we started dating. I was only sexual with him while he was sexual with all of us so, for me, I was pretty much monogamous.

Do a lot of people use poly to have lots of sex? Probably so. That's just not how I roll, though :/
10/10/2010
Contributor: Yiggi Yiggi
I had a friend who was the third wheel (sort of) in a poly relationship. The main couple were married and there were rules to having other relationships. Honestly, I don't think this particular couple were quite mature enough to handle it (they had issues). But I really admire people who can pull it off b/c people always try for monogamous relationships even though a lot of evidence points out what we really weren't meant for it. It's kind of like admitting that.
10/11/2010
Contributor: Madeira Madeira
Quote:
Originally posted by Trashley
...are you.. me?
Yes, clearly
10/11/2010
Contributor: Serendipity Serendipity
The majority of the people I know hang out with practice various forms of poly and I admit that I usually assume all our friends are poly and I am always surprised when I learn someone isn't.

I know of a few different vees (one person is the axis and is in a relationship/lives with two other people but those two aren't in a relationship with each other) that have had successful, long-term relationships and I know of a married couple that each date other people and have always admired the way they work their stuff out.

I like the idea of negotiating specials things you do with one person and not with another. Or a special restaurant or hotel or park - whatever you determine - to be a special place that you go only with one person you are dating and not the other. I think that helps cement a bond between the two.
10/11/2010
Contributor: Airen Wolf Airen Wolf
(EF Review Program Mentor)
Quote:
Originally posted by Serendipity
From Wikipedia - "Polyamory (from Greek p??? [poly, meaning many or several] and Latin amor [love]) is the practice, desire, or acceptance of having more than one intimate relationship at a time with the knowledge and consent of everyone ... more
Polyamory is simply having a committed loving relationship with more than one other person. It doesn't always involve sex or even group sex, though those are usually on the table it just depends on the relationship. There are as many permutations of poly families as there are permutations of monogamous families. It does involve communication but every relationship needs that...it isn't limited to us poly folk!
The sex part of the equation is small but undeniably important just as it is for a monogamous couple. It isn't the most important thing. The most important thing is love and how it builds ties between people in the group.
I am poly and wouldn't want to be anything else. I am happy here.
Poly requires a willingness to be open and is very similar to an open marriage but in a poly situation, at least our poly situation, all relationships are equal and judged by what they contribute not a first come first served type thing. All deserve equal care and attention and all are treated as necessary and "primary". That's how we do it and five years in we are happy with the results. As always your milage may vary.
10/14/2010
Contributor: Airen Wolf Airen Wolf
(EF Review Program Mentor)
Quote:
Originally posted by Madeira
Yes, clearly
Isn't it great to meet yourself at EF? With so much diversity it's bound to happen that you find many people or just one or two who seem to be living the same lifestyle. Love it!
10/14/2010
Contributor: Blinker Blinker
Quote:
Originally posted by Madeira
Yes, clearly
BAHAHAHA.
10/21/2010
Contributor: Beth D Beth D
I like the idea of poly. Not that I have any practical experience with any kind of relationship of course. But I think love should be multiplied. I'm not the kind to sleep around but if I fell in love with someone outside of my already existing relationship, I think having both relationships would be ideal. Even better if they love each other, too, and it becomes one big wonderful relationship. I'm not so sure about being the third party, though. Even if I really liked and wanted to be involved with a couple, and they felt the same, I'd still feel like the odd kid out. Especially if they were married. I'd just feel like they were a unit plus me and the me part is expendable. And if I were with someone that's already in a relationship, I'd probably feel like some kind of home wrecker. I'm just a guilty and self conscious sort of person, though

I dunno, I'm certainly open to the practice and I'd put all my effort into making it work because love is worth it. It does certainly seem like a situation where not communicating openly and honestly would ruin everything very quickly.
10/24/2010
Contributor: Airen Wolf Airen Wolf
(EF Review Program Mentor)
Quote:
Originally posted by Beth D
I like the idea of poly. Not that I have any practical experience with any kind of relationship of course. But I think love should be multiplied. I'm not the kind to sleep around but if I fell in love with someone outside of my already existing ... more
It's up to the "unit" to make sure you don't feel expendable. Our lifepartner felt the same way at first until it became very apparent that we could all three argue, fuss and squawk and we would kick his ass if he walked away. I'd never want him to feel like the third wheel...to my mind he is like the third leg of our table...he stabilizes everything and makes it more useful.
10/24/2010
Contributor: Beth D Beth D
Quote:
Originally posted by Airen Wolf
It's up to the "unit" to make sure you don't feel expendable. Our lifepartner felt the same way at first until it became very apparent that we could all three argue, fuss and squawk and we would kick his ass if he walked away. ... more
D'aww, that sounds heart wrenchingly sweet It'd probably take some kind of a 'we'll kick your ass if you walk away' discussion slash fight to make me not feel expendable, too.
10/24/2010
Contributor: Airen Wolf Airen Wolf
(EF Review Program Mentor)
Quote:
Originally posted by Beth D
D'aww, that sounds heart wrenchingly sweet It'd probably take some kind of a 'we'll kick your ass if you walk away' discussion slash fight to make me not feel expendable, too.
Our situation is very unique and so totally works for us. We were discussing this yesterday, Sigel and I. Having the Monkey makes it a bit more problimatic for our relationship to end, we are all three so totally devoted to our kids that we work double hard to both keep them safe and stay together. Neither guy wants to yank their kids away from their mother and neither wants to be the Dad the kids visit. Really unless the whole unit is committed to staying together more than likely they won't. Same with any partnership, reference the stats on marriage for that one!
10/28/2010
Contributor: Beth D Beth D
Quote:
Originally posted by Airen Wolf
Our situation is very unique and so totally works for us. We were discussing this yesterday, Sigel and I. Having the Monkey makes it a bit more problimatic for our relationship to end, we are all three so totally devoted to our kids that we work ... more
I think I might have an internet crush on you, lol. I just love the way you talk about your guys
10/29/2010
Contributor: Lady Neshamah Lady Neshamah
it's so about communication and trust.
12/08/2010
Contributor: UnknownGirl UnknownGirl
Haha I love the reference to Big Love. Great show!
12/21/2010
Contributor: LicentiouslyYours LicentiouslyYours
This is a great topic! I am currently reading Opening Up and the thing that sticks out the most, for me, is that polyamory can really take any shape the participants want it to. The most important factor is communication among all parties about wants, needs and fears. The rest is really up to the individuals involved.

It can mean having a lot of sex, it can mean Big Love, it can mean having an open relationship, it can mean one person is monogamous while the other is poly. It's about having permission to do what makes you happy and maintaining positive, loving relationships in whatever form they come in.

Warning: Shameless Plug

Oh, and, anybody who enjoys discussing this topic should join us Dec 28th at 7pm EST for the Naked Reader Book Club meeting here on the forum. We'd love to have you and will be discussing Opening Up and this very topic!
12/21/2010
Contributor: RosesThorns RosesThorns
I have had a few Poly relationships over the years, I have moved away from it now because I always felt I was spreading my self to thin, but at the time it was rather meaningful for me. I get really irritated with people who just assume its the same as being a swinger or in an open relationship and that its all about sex. It maybe for some, but it never was for me. I am now in a mono relationship that is MORE satisfying than the poly ones I was in. I love hearing Poly Success stories cause you really don't hear a lot of them.
12/21/2010
Contributor: Airen Wolf Airen Wolf
(EF Review Program Mentor)
Quote:
Originally posted by LicentiouslyYours
This is a great topic! I am currently reading Opening Up and the thing that sticks out the most, for me, is that polyamory can really take any shape the participants want it to. The most important factor is communication among all parties about ... more
I have read the book and freakin LOVE having it to hand to people who wonder how this could all work. For us it's a no brainer but sometimes we forget how hard to was to arrive to this comfort zone!
12/22/2010
Contributor: MrRainybowbow MrRainybowbow
Disgusting
  •   (1)
    I am personally offended by this
  •   (1)
    This is unacceptable / Against the Expectations of Conduct
12/30/2010
Contributor: Airen Wolf Airen Wolf
(EF Review Program Mentor)
Quote:
Originally posted by MrRainybowbow
Disgusting
WOW tell us how you really feel, Dude!
12/31/2010
Contributor: ToxicHeart ToxicHeart
I find polyamory a very interesting relationship situation. Wouldn't participate in it myself though x3 I am a one partner person :3 But for those of you who participate in polyamory and are happy, kudos! I could never pull this off.
12/31/2010
Contributor: kittychilla kittychilla
what i see polyamory is..open relationship, and alot of sex. but i also see that it involves alot of communication and understanding too, which i find cool. i only have one friend who's poly though (or..two, i guess. but i actually think he's sneaking around without his girlfriend knowing.)
01/06/2011
Contributor: Airen Wolf Airen Wolf
(EF Review Program Mentor)
Quote:
Originally posted by kittychilla
what i see polyamory is..open relationship, and alot of sex. but i also see that it involves alot of communication and understanding too, which i find cool. i only have one friend who's poly though (or..two, i guess. but i actually think he's ... more
LOL ya that's not exactly polyamory if his girlfriend isn't aware they are in a poly relationship!
01/06/2011
Contributor: VieuxCarre VieuxCarre
Quote:
Originally posted by MrRainybowbow
Disgusting
What's disgusting about it? You're entitled to your opinion, but seriously? Why so harsh?
01/08/2011
Contributor: Autumn Brent Autumn Brent
Quote:
Originally posted by Madeira
One of my roommates (I live with my girlfriend and two roommates) is polyamorous. She's got a steady boyfriend and is dating a few other people as well.

I am not polyamorous. I am polysexual, I like being able to sleep around, but I ... more
I think you hit the nail on the head of what my boyfriend and I have. The only slight difference is that we love puppy piles too (many people all sleeping in a comfy heap). But we are exactly the same in that respect. I bring him home girls and tell him he's allowed to do certain things with the people I say, and the same for me. But at the end of the day, we only love eachother and we love eachother and are more happy with eachother than anyone else we know, we also are more connected, open and honest than anyone I've ever talked to.
01/08/2011
Contributor: Autumn Brent Autumn Brent
Quote:
Originally posted by MrRainybowbow
Disgusting
And yet I find a closed mind to be disgusting..... we're all entitled to our own ways of living and opinions but people are being open and honest to complete strangers, some are sharing intimate details and informing people about things they'd never have known about before. No one is doing it to you and you don't have to be a part of it so I don't think you have any room to judge.
01/08/2011