The New Intimacy

Advice on talking to your partner about being poly.

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Contributor: Pierced Blaqk Skies Pierced Blaqk Skies
I have known about poly relationships long before I knew what that term really meant. When I was younger I came out as bisexual and I had a boyfriend and a girlfriend at the same time, multiple times. Both partners knew about each other and both partners was okay with it. We were never together as a tri-couple because neither of my partners were, themselves, poly or cared to be part of that world.

So now that I am older, I have realized that I am not bisexual, but pansexual and I believe that since I am poly, I will always be poly. I will always have the ability to balance multiple partners and care about more than one person at once.

So my problem is, lately I've been more and more stressed about talking to my boyfriend about me being poly. I have been with him for almost 2 1/2 years and he knows that I used to date multiple people at once but he's kind of not talked to me about it since we've been together.

He isn't asexual, but he isn't a very sexual person and I am extremely sexual. (I've also been more sexually active than he has in the past, as well as the fact that he is 6 1/2 years older than I am.) I tried to talk to him about 'sharing me' with other women (I don't want to be with other men, just women, and only one at a time) but he didn't quite understand and I got embarrassed so I shut down.

In the end, I had an anxiety attack because he didn't understand what I was asking and I didn't want to talk about it anymore. I have severe anxiety about talking to him regarding things like being poly because he doesn't know much about the lifestyle.

So, to make a long story short, What is a good way to openly talk to the man I love about being poly without hurting his feelings? I want him to know how I feel but I don't want to upset him.

Thanks in advance.
04/20/2013
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Contributor: Peggi Peggi
Quote:
Originally posted by Pierced Blaqk Skies
I have known about poly relationships long before I knew what that term really meant. When I was younger I came out as bisexual and I had a boyfriend and a girlfriend at the same time, multiple times. Both partners knew about each other and both ... more
Honestly, just being upfront about it is the best advice I can give. Don't beat around the bush, don't only give half of the information. I know when you have anxiety it can make it VERY difficult, but if he's been with you for that long of a time, chances are he'll be willing to at least listen and understand what you're trying to say. Make sure he understands you aren't looking for an open relationship where you can be with other men, just women, and let HIM set the "ground rules" that make him most comfortable, and make sure he knows that those rules are up to him. Whether it be that you sometimes go on a group date, where both partners are there, whether it be he never meet the person, whether it be that he HAS to know the other person first, etc.

For us, one of the biggest issues is that I can only be with other women, and only if he knows/approves of them, and with him I HAVE to be friends with the person if it's another woman, and at least get to know them if it's another guy.

We also have a rule about the other partner getting tested if it comes down to having sex.
04/20/2013
Contributor: Pierced Blaqk Skies Pierced Blaqk Skies
Quote:
Originally posted by Peggi
Honestly, just being upfront about it is the best advice I can give. Don't beat around the bush, don't only give half of the information. I know when you have anxiety it can make it VERY difficult, but if he's been with you for that ... more
Thanks! It's always nice to talk to someone who has been through this before. I think what I would prefer, is to have once female I'm involved with for here and there occasions. (I have one in mind, she lives far away) and I wouldn't be openly seeking out women all of the time. I just kind of would like a 'pet' to be with because the side of me that misses being intimate with other women isn't being fulfilled through having sex with my boyfriend.

I think my biggest challenge will be getting him to understand that I don't want to be in an open relationship.

I really appreciate your help!
04/20/2013
Contributor: elfiew elfiew
My fiancé and I had been together ~4 years when I told him I was interested in being in a poly relationship, about a year ago.

Ours is very similar to Peggi's. I said, very up front, that I respected his opinion and didn't want to do anything he was uncomfortable with, but that I wanted to discuss having sex with other people.

In my case, I actually had someone in mind, a friend I had had for a few years where there was a mutual attraction and a lot of trust. I told him that he could set any ground rules that made him more comfortable with it after the initial yes. He understood right away that it didn't mean he wasn't fulfilling me or that I needed more, and he knew our relationship was a priority and if he got uncomfortable, it would stop. Don't be afraid to tell him that if he doesn't get it right off the bat.

We have similar ground rules to Peggi's, but it was kind of what I was looking for anyway. He'd prefer that I sleep with other women only, but I'm more trusting with women anyway so that wasn't a problem for me. He'd like to at least have met the person, and they need to be tested (which should never be an issue to ask a new sexual partner that anyway, in my opinion).

In our case, myself and the lady do go on dates and hang out still, because we were friends for a few years and we hang out as friends. I buy her gifts and things, but it's all very casual and she and I don't expect relationship-type things from each other all the time. My fiancé is my priority, but if any of us get uncomfortable at all, we've all agreed it stops. Right now I haven't found anyone else I'm interested in, so it's simple/pretty uncomplicated for us so far.

Just be clear with him, I had a lot of anxiety before talking to my honey too, but I knew that he respects me and would listen if I was clear. Don't be afraid to tell him you're nervous about talking about it, either. It can be a nerve wracking thing to talk about.
07/15/2014