The New Intimacy

Your view: Should you tell your lover bad things about your past that make you feel upset?

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Contributor: ToyGurl ToyGurl
I personally say no to this, but I thought it might be a good thread.

My roommate and I were sitting at the dining room table cutting coupons and talking about her latest romance. She thinks it is becoming serious... however, I guess he made a joke or something about some really gross thing she did in the past... except, he doesn't know she did it. he was just making the joke in general. i wont get into details, and i don't know the whole story - but i guess from what she said, it had to do with beastiality? i personally find this very gross and i don't know what to tell her. she says now she feels like she's lying to him, which just doesn't make sense to me. it was in her past, and it's over now. she's a totally changed person.

he also doesn't know that she used to date females. it's really hard to help her because i'm engaged and i've never really been with more than two people, and my fiance and i have been together since high school. so idk what to tell her. but if it were me, i would say let it go. it's in your past.

what do you think??? i keep telling her to totally forget about this one... but DAMN! such a sticky topic :/ in a way i wish i could relate. but i was never that "crazy" as far as sexual encounters.
Answers (private voting - your screen name will NOT appear in the results):
Tell him/her if it makes you THAT upset
19
Keep it to yourself, it doesn't involve them and it was in the past. You are a new you.
32
Other
5
Total votes: 56 (54 voters)
Poll is closed
06/05/2011
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Contributor: MaryExy MaryExy
If he never brings it up again, I don't see the reason for her to bring it up. Telling him out of the blue would make it more awkward... But I'm like you, I have very limited experience telling guys about my more personal life, so I don't really know.
06/05/2011
Contributor: ToyGurl ToyGurl
Quote:
Originally posted by MaryExy
If he never brings it up again, I don't see the reason for her to bring it up. Telling him out of the blue would make it more awkward... But I'm like you, I have very limited experience telling guys about my more personal life, so I ... more
I feel the same way. I mean, ONE: He doesn't know she did it. She wasn't in her "right mind" when she did it. She REGRETS doing it. And she would NEVER do it again. (as far as beastiality, idk about the dating females thing). So say let it go. The female stuff will have to come out at another time when she's sure it's serious.
06/05/2011
Contributor: Alan & Michele Alan & Michele
To tell or not to tell might depend on who else knows what she did. Ya know, kind of like it'd be better to hear it from her than from a friend at a party who walks up and says "OMG! That's the girl who..." Just something to consider.
06/05/2011
Contributor: Inwitari Inwitari
I would say to keep the past in the past. Especially if it's something that can make their relationship uncomfortable. We all keep secrets for various reasons, and no one should be expected to share every single little thing about their entire life with their partner- especially if it's a painful or shameful secret.
06/05/2011
Contributor: Annemarie Annemarie
Depends on how serious it is. In this situation, I would have quietly and discreetly commented on the 'joke' that he shouldn't judge others on one thing alone. If further questioned about it, I would have said that something occurred in the past that I didn't want to discuss in depth, but the joke made me feel uncomfortable.

There's no need to air dirty laundry, but he should be aware that it made her uncomfortable.
06/05/2011
Contributor: ToyGurl ToyGurl
Quote:
Originally posted by Alan & Michele
To tell or not to tell might depend on who else knows what she did. Ya know, kind of like it'd be better to hear it from her than from a friend at a party who walks up and says "OMG! That's the girl who..." Just something to consider.
Oh yeah... that's very true. I mean I don't know if anyone else knows but I should have her consider this as well.
06/05/2011
Contributor: Gunsmoke Gunsmoke
I'm voting that honesty is the best policy - but only if the relationship is potentially trending toward marriage or cohabitation.
06/06/2011
Contributor: Maeby Maeby
Quote:
Originally posted by Alan & Michele
To tell or not to tell might depend on who else knows what she did. Ya know, kind of like it'd be better to hear it from her than from a friend at a party who walks up and says "OMG! That's the girl who..." Just something to consider.
Yeah, I was thinking that there's no reason to tell, unless the boyfriend could potentially find out through other means.
06/06/2011
Contributor: ac0313 ac0313
Quote:
Originally posted by Gunsmoke
I'm voting that honesty is the best policy - but only if the relationship is potentially trending toward marriage or cohabitation.
this.

If the relationship is serious or you hope it will become this serious, you need to be open and honest. This means discussing the difficult and not so nice things that have happened in the past. No, you do not have to do a full
"confession" immediately, but you should plan to share everything you can remember that may be pertinent to your new partnership. If you do not, and you start to keep secrtes or withhold information now because feeling may be hurt or he may judge you, your relationship will continue to be full of secrets in the future because doing that now will make is all too easy to do it later...

Good luck!
06/08/2011
Contributor: 724-6924 724-6924
I'm a little different than some people but, my opinion is: triggers are real. they're very real and what feels like you're "over it" or it didn't affect you that much can continue to affect you for weeks, months, or even years afterward.

The best thing to do, imo, is immediately tell the person "hey, this makes me extremely uncomfortable/upset/sa d/afraid/whatever and here's why (if ur comfortable enough with them to share ur story). Please don't do it again."
06/08/2011
Contributor: Liz2 Liz2
95% of things are best left unsaid. I don't think a prior child or a criminal conviction should be hidden,
06/08/2011
Contributor: padmeamidala padmeamidala
Quote:
Originally posted by ToyGurl
I personally say no to this, but I thought it might be a good thread.

My roommate and I were sitting at the dining room table cutting coupons and talking about her latest romance. She thinks it is becoming serious... however, I guess he made a ... more
my Master has been my best friend for the last almost 21 years and knows everything about my past. It's all out in the open with him and I thought it was important he knew all about my abusive childhood and my skeletons in the closet.
06/08/2011
Contributor: curmudgeoncat curmudgeoncat
I think telling him would be the best option, but only sharing what she is comfortable with. For example, something along the lines of, "I had a bad experience with ____, and it makes me uncomfortable. I'd appreciate it a lot if you wouldn't bring it up again."
06/11/2011
Contributor: Elaira Elaira
I'm the type of person who has no shame in disclosing my shameful things to people I truly trust. I like the closeness. I like whoever I'm with to know what I've been through and such. If the person found this out years later, they might have a different view.

I think it's all a matter of the comfort with the other person.
06/12/2011
Contributor: MN58 MN58
well i usually keep stuff to myself until the other person decides to say something i comment on the subject.
06/12/2011
Contributor: K101 K101
Well, my partner and I decided to know everything about each other up-front and we've been together 5 years so there's not much we don't know. I've shared all my details, but I've never done anything so serious as beastiality! I mean even my bad things, are bad, but beastiality is wrong! It's like sexual harassment to pets! lol Anyways, strange, my ex done something in front of me thatinvolved a dog & it totally turned me off and sickened me.

Anyways, I guess it depends on how much they want to share and how much the person wants to know about them. We've done well with knowing even the bad things about each other as we've gotten to know each other on a deeper level. I've told him things from my past that are bad. It was hard to let him know a serious and very traumatic thing from my past, but he had to eventually. He couldn't just wonder why I had sudden panic attacks and freaked when certain things happened. Even though I am terrified of most people who I love knowing this specific thing, I finally told him. I had too many issues from it to just keep it a secret. But, I agree there are some things that are not neccessary.

I like to know all. lol I want to know the good, bad and ugly so I know what and who I'm with.
06/12/2011
Contributor: indiglo indiglo
Quote:
Originally posted by 724-6924
I'm a little different than some people but, my opinion is: triggers are real. they're very real and what feels like you're "over it" or it didn't affect you that much can continue to affect you for weeks, months, or even ... more
Yes, I tend to feel the same way. Any serious issues can have an effect on the current relationship. And if you're having a freak out because your partner triggered a bad memory (or what have you) I think it's important they know why you're reacting the way you're reacting. Knowing those kinds of things can also allow them to avoid your triggers, which a loving partner would like to avoid if at all possible. I guess this would mostly hold true for a long term or serious relationship, but that's what I'm in so that's what I tend to think about.
06/14/2011
Contributor: froggiemoma froggiemoma
i would tell if was brought up again
06/20/2011
Contributor: Stinkytofu10 Stinkytofu10
If it's going to be a serious relationship, he should be made aware of sensitive issues. If he can respect her regardless of her past, that's great, if not, they probably shouldn't be together anyways...
11/29/2011
Contributor: AndroAngel AndroAngel
Quote:
Originally posted by Stinkytofu10
If it's going to be a serious relationship, he should be made aware of sensitive issues. If he can respect her regardless of her past, that's great, if not, they probably shouldn't be together anyways...
This.
11/29/2011
Contributor: Adriana Ravenlust Adriana Ravenlust
I would tell the SO if it became relevant
11/29/2011
Contributor: mandaj mandaj
truth shall set u free................
11/30/2011
Contributor: callsignhusker callsignhusker
i tell my lovers everything. only then can they know who i really am, good and bad.
02/02/2012
Contributor: Bodhi Bodhi
Well if you want to tell them, by all means go ahead.

If one is ashamed, and really wants to keep it to themselves, I don't see a problem with that.
10/14/2012