The New Intimacy

There are just some things no relationship can survive

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Contributor: Chilipepper Chilipepper
C and I are "separated" - we're at loggerheads over the Child Issue (he wants them and I don't), so he's on break to do a lot of thinking and see where things are in a year. I pretty much feel this is a break up, even though we both feel the other is The One and really want to have a future together. Hell, he would have proposed already if we were on the same page on that one single issue.

(Note: Don't try to convince me that I'll magically fall in love at first sight when I hold my baby or miraculously discover a hidden maternal instinct. The previous three generations of my family didn't, and we're all fucked up because of it.)

Consequently, I want to hear/read stories of others who had this issue. Did you have to let go of The One? Did one of you give in, and did it work out or cause resentment? Did some miracle happen (like one changing their mind after something occurred)? Know of anyone who had gone through this?

I just don't want to feel alone in this.
02/05/2013
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Contributor: Nissa Nissa Nissa Nissa
Quote:
Originally posted by Chilipepper
C and I are "separated" - we're at loggerheads over the Child Issue (he wants them and I don't), so he's on break to do a lot of thinking and see where things are in a year. I pretty much feel this is a break up, even though we ... more
I was crazy about an older guy (10 years) and for me the situation was reversed, I wanted kids and he "already had his family" so it was off the table completely. I felt a little cheated and after a while the shine started to wear off. I asked a number of times if he was willing to adopt or compromise on some level. Nope. So I basically had to move on.

In the end it's your decision and your feelings, but look at the flip side. If he wants kids that bad, he might feel bad if he doesn't get to have any. That's in no way me trying to tell you to have kids, it's more.. maybe he isn't "the one".

With my situation it was re-visited a few months later and with a much harsher comment than "I already have my family". I'm one of those women who dreamed of having kids but didn't REALLY want one until this switch flipped in my brain/heart/somewhere. Some people just don't have that switch to be flipped or it's already over in their minds.. I just know if I would've stayed in the situation.. I would've felt very unhappy.
02/05/2013
Contributor: Vanille Vanille
My previous relationship had this issue.

For a while she was pretty anti-child as I was, but then a few months before we broke up (for other reasons, not child-related.) she dropped the bomb on me that someday she'd like to have children and wasn't entirely opposed to the idea than she first was. If we hadn't broken up over those other reasons, we'd probably would've broken up over opposing child-views because I am very anti-children of my own. I love kids that I can give back at the end of the day.

I don't want 'em, I'm not financially nor mentally stable enough to raise another human being. It's something that I'm definitely not willing to compromise on.
02/05/2013
Contributor: Munko Munko
I haven't been there...but I can say without a doubt, no matter how much I loved someone, not wanting kids would be a deal breaker. Infact, I'm pretty certain for me, the biggest deal breaker.

When we first started trying for our daughter, we discussed what would happen if we faced infertility of some sort and were unable to conceive naturally. I THINK my SO would have changed his mind had it actually come to that, but to him it wasn't an option to pursue IVF treatment, surrogacy, etc. He said "If you cant have children you're not meant to"...I would have in a heart beat walked away from him if that were the case, even though it would have shattered my heart into a million pieces to leave him.

I think if someone wants kids...it's going to be really difficult to convince them otherwise, and not have resentment build or regrets. It's a huge deal.

I waited a long time for my SO to be ready for kids...he always wanted them, he just took a really long time wanting to take that leap (6 years) and that entire time I felt like something was missing from my life, I can't imagine always feeling that way. I wouldn't give up my potential kids to have a future with someone who could walk away from me 5, 10 years down the road.

I don't think it's fair to either of you, to have such a huge issue between you indefinitely. You may always feel guilty, and he may always resent you...neither are good, healthy feelings for a relationship to thrive on.
02/05/2013
Contributor: deltalima deltalima
Quote:
Originally posted by Chilipepper
C and I are "separated" - we're at loggerheads over the Child Issue (he wants them and I don't), so he's on break to do a lot of thinking and see where things are in a year. I pretty much feel this is a break up, even though we ... more
I do believe there are certain issues that can't be compromised and I understand what you mean because I don't have that want for kids either. If it's important to you, then it should be important to your partner and vice versa. I don't think compromise on major things like this are good for a relationship.
02/06/2013
Contributor: GONE! GONE!
I feel like I'm about to lose someone I love over this exact same issue for the second time in my life. I hate it when this happens because it makes me feel like I'm some kind of monster for not wanting children at all. It's a dealbreaker for me. There is no compromise on something like this imo. =/ I would be the worst parent ever. Sometimes I feel like I have two choices: Be alone forever, or be a horrible shitty parent which would be bad for both me and the kid. For the sake of future generations, I think I'll take solitude.
02/06/2013
Contributor: solitudinarian solitudinarian
It happens. It sucks when you're great together otherwise, but it isn't really something that you can compromise on in my opinion. If you don't end up having kids, the one who wants them will likely grow resentful. If you, well, it sounds like you have an idea about how being parented by someone who doesn't have that instinct affects the kid. I'm sorry.
02/06/2013
Contributor: Chilipepper Chilipepper
We both went in knowing this about each other. The pull of having found The One kept us in for this long, but he's having to take himself out of it to think on if I'm worth keeping over having that family. It's hard. I feel like an inhuman monster for not wanting to have children, especially with the man I want to spend my life with. But I (myself) am not going to get in the way of what he feels is most important, and he seriously has no idea how unsuited I am to motherhood (although he's at least realized the extent of the genetic problems I carry that offspring could have).

Of course I've had my tubal long before we met, but in vitro is an option he'd do if I changed my mind. Problem is, I won't change my mind. I'm not made for it. And I feel like hell because I'm not.

I hate myself more than I ever thought I could, but I will not compromise my convictions just to keep a man. I know I will end up being a distant (and possibly resentful) mother and he'll divorce me because of it.

Everything else was so perfect ...
02/06/2013