The New Intimacy

Can partners on opposite sides of the child issue have a long-term relationship?

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Contributor: Chilipepper Chilipepper
Sort of in a conundrum here.

I knew C back in high school, and the last time we saw each other was when we were twenty and at The Rocky Horror Picture Show. We were friends, but weren't close.

Fast forward fifteen years: we reconnected at a mutual friend's party, and we've been dating since then. It got to the point of admitting the other is our ideal, and he had gone as far as saying that he wanted a future with me ...

Except for the fact that we're on opposite sides of the child issue. He wants them, and I don't. He's keen on having his own offspring. I simply don't want any in my life at all.

Maybe he could have convinced back in the day that we could have kids together, but I've gotten to the point in which I cannot deal with having them. Besides, my tubes are tied and I lack a maternal instinct.

We're not trying to change the other's mind, and know that we really can't have anything long-term because of this issue. As a result, we're playing this by ear and seeing where it goes.

For everyone out there, has there been any success in this sort of pairing? What sort of compromise can be reached? Is it even possible to compromise? Any words of wisdom would be appreciated.
11/01/2012
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Contributor: Mwar Mwar
It's kind of like a pink elephant, isn't it?

You can stay together and enjoy your time, but if he really wants biological children and you have no desire (plus you've already had your tubes tied), then this won't reach a conducive future. If one person decides to sacrifice for the sake of the relationship, there's a good chance resentment will grow.

Are you opposed to all children? How about adoption? Fostering? If you want nothing to to with children and he wants them... it's a factor of age and biological clock from his side.

I'm sorry, I hope everything works out. It's just... if this can't be resolved with peace on both sides, it might be best for each one to find a partner more suitable in this respect.

11/01/2012
Contributor: Chilipepper Chilipepper
Quote:
Originally posted by Mwar
It's kind of like a pink elephant, isn't it?

You can stay together and enjoy your time, but if he really wants biological children and you have no desire (plus you've already had your tubes tied), then this won't reach a ... more
Yeah, it's that sort of thing that can't be compromised on. He wants his own biological children, I don't want anything to do with raising children (I know I'll fuck them up, so it's not fair to the kid). We're definitely aware that giving in to one side will build resentment, which is why we're not trying to change the other's mind.

*sigh* Pity. Everything else was perfect. Except that one point.
11/01/2012
Contributor: Mwar Mwar
Quote:
Originally posted by Chilipepper
Yeah, it's that sort of thing that can't be compromised on. He wants his own biological children, I don't want anything to do with raising children (I know I'll fuck them up, so it's not fair to the kid). We're definitely ... more
I'm sorry that it turned out that way.

It'll be sad and it'll hurt, but this can be a very amicable break-up when it occurs. You both cared deeply for each other and cared so much that you let the other be as happy as they can be in all respects. So, while it'll hurt, it'll be peaceful for healing.

And while it might end, it was a good relationship. You learned, grew, and became an even better person for it. And maybe what helped you grow in this relationship will have you ready for another, even better one in the future.

PS. It's one thing not to want children, but no, you wouldn't mess them up. Just worrying about the fact you could is much evidence showing you wouldn't (it shows you can recognize potential faults and would want to fix them). It is your choice not to have children, and it should always be respected, but it isn't because of a fault on you.

Feel free to message me whenever.

11/01/2012
Contributor: SavingMyself SavingMyself
There really isn't a compromise on the child issue, so no I don't think a relationship can work between people on different sides of it unless one of you is willing to give in completely(which does not fit the definition of compromise). It would be one thing if he wanted 7 kids and you only wanted 1 so you compromised and had 3 but if you are absolutely against having kids and he has to have them, there is really no way to fix this. Also it's not fair to either of you to expect the other one to completely change for the other.
11/02/2012
Contributor: spineyogurt spineyogurt
NO youre better off moving on
11/02/2012
Contributor: Sinfully Sinfully
Quote:
Originally posted by Mwar
It's kind of like a pink elephant, isn't it?

You can stay together and enjoy your time, but if he really wants biological children and you have no desire (plus you've already had your tubes tied), then this won't reach a ... more
I agree.
11/02/2012