The New Intimacy

Marrying someone with a dramatically different take on religion.

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Contributor: Nissa Nissa Nissa Nissa
I'm crazy about my guy and I think about marrying him every once in a while.. we haven't had any solid plans but we think of it as an option in the future and talk about it playfully.

He's pretty religious.. rather radical christian. We had a long fight about it and he told me because his mom said he shouldn't marry a non-christian it's always kind of stuck in my mind because I am essentially.. religion-less. I don't believe one way or another or put much stock into it.

I once prayed with him and now he thinks of me as a christian even though I wasnt.. He considers me "fixed" and is happier with the idea of marrying me but I'm still the same old person.

Anyway.. can it work? Marrying someone with a radically different religion that is rather overbearing with it?
08/16/2011
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Contributor: Ghost Ghost
It could work if you either learn to "go along with it" or he learns to chill out. Otherwise, it will be an issue when he wants to do everything "by the good book" and you don't.

However, I do know a couple who were a Jew and a Christian who got married, and are still married. I think they manage by ignoring the huge difference, basically. But neither person is pushy about religion.
08/16/2011
Contributor: BlackxxxRose BlackxxxRose
My partner is a Jew and I was raised a Souther Nazarene. Very different religions and beliefs. We think it's important to talk about, but we keep the conversation light, unemotional and agree to disagree on certain things. We've been together going on 4 years now.
08/16/2011
Contributor: Waterfall Waterfall
I think I would have to take into consideration how important the other religion was in that person's life and how much it influenced the way they lived and believe others should live. I don't care if someone is of a different religion, I could marry them, but if they are expecting A LOT of changes from me then I don't think it could work because then I wouldn't really be "me" anymore. I could make some changes and also learn things about a person's religion but they would have to be accepting of my choice of whether or not to completely be involved with it.
08/16/2011
Contributor: tooshy tooshy
I'm a Christian. I married a non-Christian in my first marriage. It didn't work out well. Eventually, my conscience and my beliefs won. Aside from my personal experience, if your partner believes the Bible, it says that Christians and non-Christians should not be together.

My second hubby is a Christian as well, and when we did not agree on certain beliefs there was a lot of tension within our marriage. If your partner thinks you are something that you do not believe in, I would strongly recommend talking to him about this. I wouldn't want to let someone I love be deceived by me.
08/16/2011
Contributor: Peggi Peggi
Quote:
Originally posted by Nissa Nissa
I'm crazy about my guy and I think about marrying him every once in a while.. we haven't had any solid plans but we think of it as an option in the future and talk about it playfully.

He's pretty religious.. rather radical ... more
It can work, but he will have to accept you and your beliefs even if he doesn't agree with them, just as you accept him for his. I am currently with, and hopefully one day will be marrying, someone with different religious AND political views, on opposite ends of the spectrum. We make it work by rarely discussing such topics, and on rare occasions where they are brought up, we try to keep the discussions mild and quick, never heated, and don't force our opinions on one another. In the topic of religion, he is an Atheist, I am a firm believer in God. I don't criticize him for his lack of beliefs, nor do I try to force religion on him. At times where religion is brought up, I speak to him as though my beliefs are correct and he speaks to me as though his are, we don't argue with one another on that issue.

His mother has the same belief system as himself, and she finds it interesting that we are able to get along so well, as does my mother who, though we have different religions, also believes in God.

It's all about acceptance of one another.

If he is not willing to accept that you are allowed to have a difference of opinion and neither of you is right or wrong, there could be serious problems in the future! Children, if you plan to have any with him, are a threat because he (or his mother) may have strong views on what your children should follow and may want to strictly enforce this.
08/16/2011
Contributor: Nissa Nissa Nissa Nissa
Quote:
Originally posted by Peggi
It can work, but he will have to accept you and your beliefs even if he doesn't agree with them, just as you accept him for his. I am currently with, and hopefully one day will be marrying, someone with different religious AND political views, ... more
The funny thing is.. well its more sad then funny. My mom tells me I shouldn't marry him because of his views. It's like. I really care about him so much I don't think it'd really matter in the end as long as we know how to talk to each other and .. how to keep some things out of our relationship.

I just feel bad because I don't want to sacrifice all of my values and beliefs on how kids should be raised and other things.. I don't want to make him change himself either.
08/17/2011
Contributor: tooshy tooshy
Quote:
Originally posted by Nissa Nissa
The funny thing is.. well its more sad then funny. My mom tells me I shouldn't marry him because of his views. It's like. I really care about him so much I don't think it'd really matter in the end as long as we know how to talk to ... more
Raising kids is huge. We have 2 each from both our previous marriages and the difference in our ways of raising them was a big source of contention for a long time.
08/17/2011
Contributor: Ansley Ansley
Well, I'm not religious and I consider myself to be spiritual. Hubs isn't spiritual or religious but still carries around that good old-fashioned Catholic guilt and rhetoric with him. We agreed our kids would attend Catholic schools, but it's not a concern because we aren't actually having kids.

It can work, but only if both sides are willing to compromise.
08/17/2011
Contributor: daveysgirl daveysgirl
Not for me since religion is an important thing in decided to raise a family.
08/17/2011
Contributor: Tuesday Tuesday
It could work as long as he doesn't expect you to change to his religious views. It sounds to me like he might be expecting that.

Also, be certain to iron out how your kids will be raised before either marrying him or having them.

I could have married someone with different religious views as long as they didn't make me go to church.
08/17/2011
Contributor: Peggi Peggi
Quote:
Originally posted by Nissa Nissa
The funny thing is.. well its more sad then funny. My mom tells me I shouldn't marry him because of his views. It's like. I really care about him so much I don't think it'd really matter in the end as long as we know how to talk to ... more
Something else to consider, as unfortunate as it may sound, if his mother TRULY believes in what she said about him not marrying a non-Christian, you could run into some serious issues. She could hold that against you and interfere with your marriage. There is a difference between not liking your in-laws and having a FEUD with them. My mother-in-law ended my marriage, when he and I were together for 6 years, all because we didn't exactly see eye to eye on things, she got into his head and controlled the way he treated me, I would either "conform" or that's it, problems! Interfering! I finally said enough is enough, and I'm so glad I did, but that also may not end up being the case in your situation, but certainly something to consider as a possibility.

It's all boiling down to this: is he willing to ACCEPT that you do not have a set religion, and if you have children, allow them freedom of choice? It's extremely tricky, and I would NOT count him out just yet But it is something to think over, and discuss, because this could present SERIOUS issues.
08/17/2011
Contributor: Peggi Peggi
Quote:
Originally posted by BlackxxxRose
My partner is a Jew and I was raised a Souther Nazarene. Very different religions and beliefs. We think it's important to talk about, but we keep the conversation light, unemotional and agree to disagree on certain things. We've been together ... more
Exactly how it should be done I am strong in my beliefs as is my guy, but we go about it the same way
08/17/2011
Contributor: Nissa Nissa Nissa Nissa
Quote:
Originally posted by Tuesday
It could work as long as he doesn't expect you to change to his religious views. It sounds to me like he might be expecting that.

Also, be certain to iron out how your kids will be raised before either marrying him or having them. ... more
He thinks I have already since I prayed with him once.. he's kind of in this semi-denial "Oh.. it doesn't matter you're a christian now anyway"
08/18/2011
Contributor: Kkay Kkay
In your case I would personally be very uncomfortable with it- especially since he's said that he considers you 'fixed'.

I do think that having different religious beliefs can work in a relationship, but it requires partners to respect one another and not try to convert. My partner is agnostic and I'm pagan. It works because he doesn't tl;dr at me about his beliefs and I don't push mine onto him.
08/18/2011