The New Intimacy

Is "I love you" necessary?

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Contributor: Supervixen Supervixen
I have been in a long term relationship in the past that was unhealthy, but difficult to disentangle myself from. We regularly said, "I love you," but it usually felt hollow on my end, because I felt obligated to say it, and guilty if I didn't respond to his "I love you" with my own. Then I was in a rebound relationship with a guy who said he loved me way too early, and even that he was going to make me his wife--in four months, he was convinced that I was his soul mate, which freaked me out. Then I was in a relationship with a manipulative prick who would say he loved me, then treat me like dirt. Needless to say, I have a bit of a block when it comes to those three words.

I don't know if I ever want to say I love you in a romantic situation again--it seems so heavy to me, and I feel like I can show my love and accept his love that he shows me better than I can handle being told "I love you." Does that make sense, or am I just weird? I know some people need to hear it. How necessary is saying, "I love you" in a relationship, in your opinion?
Answers (private voting - your screen name will NOT appear in the results):
I need to hear it--actions can be misconstrued, but saying "I love you" is really straight forward.
12
I don't need to hear it, but I like to hear it.
12
I need to say it--it's how I feel, so why shouldn't I vocalize it?
14
I don't have to say it, but I like saying it when it feels right.
9
I don't want to hear it--it's too heavy for me, and I'd rather be made to feel loved.
1
I don't want to say it--it's easier for me to show love than to come right out and say it.
2
I don't care either way.
1
I want to hear it, but the actions have to speak louder than the words; just saying it is not enough.
68
I want to say it, but I back it up with my actions. I want my partner to feel loved, not just be told that he/ she is loved.
55
Total votes: 174 (79 voters)
Poll is closed
10/07/2012
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Contributor: Supervixen Supervixen
Damn, I forgot to add "other!" Well, if you would have picked other, just explain in your post, please.
10/07/2012
Contributor: *Camoprincess* *Camoprincess*
I ONLY say I love you if I mean it! I don't use those words lightly I love hearing them and saying them to the one I love. I will say however, actions do speak louder then words, if you say you love me you better be proving it by your actions as well. I always prove my love from saying it to showing it in some many ways. I have been hurt many of times an my love was taken for granted but I still haven't given up on finding the one true love.
10/07/2012
Contributor: damnbul12 damnbul12
I want to say it, but I back it up with my actions. I want my partner to feel loved, not just be told that he/ she is loved.
10/07/2012
Contributor: Bex1331 Bex1331
You have to be able to say it and mean it in a successful relationship
10/07/2012
Contributor: Moniqua Moniqua
I want to hear it as well as be backed up by actions.
10/07/2012
Contributor: LoooveMonkey LoooveMonkey
Stop saying it if you don't mean it, SV! Never lie when you say it.

You should think long and hard before you decide to tell someone that. It's not a light thing.
10/07/2012
Contributor: RatchetS RatchetS
When I'm in a relationship and my partner says it before me, if I'm not comfortable with the words I say, "I care about you." And maybe explain I'm not on the same level as him. I like to make those words special and meaningful.
10/07/2012
Contributor: LoooveMonkey LoooveMonkey
Really, you could simply tell them what you just explained to us if they tell you they love you and you're not ready for that. :3
10/07/2012
Contributor: Supervixen Supervixen
Quote:
Originally posted by LoooveMonkey
Stop saying it if you don't mean it, SV! Never lie when you say it.

You should think long and hard before you decide to tell someone that. It's not a light thing.
Don't worry! I haven't said it when I don't mean it in years.

I'm very uncomfortable with it, not just because I take it seriously, but I'm nervous about what the response will be. I know, that's silly. But like I said--kind of have a mental block with it these days. I don't know that it's all that healthy, too. That's why I did this poll--I'm curious about how other people feel about it.
10/07/2012
Contributor: Chilipepper Chilipepper
Love is such an elusive thing to define that it can be treated casually or in ignorance quite easily in speech. Fear can be mistaken for love, as can gratitude - I told my ex-husband I loved him because I was afraid of being alone and was simply glad that he was there to keep me from being alone.

I'm not inclined to use the word now. I still don't know what Love is, and I dare not use such a loaded word with anyone unless they're my dearest friends (platonic love is so much easier to understand than romantic/erotic love). I love my best friends ... but anyone I'm intimately involved with won't hear of it unless it feels Right, like Gravity.

I don't know if it will ever get to that point. When it's said, I feel it carries power - and I dare not abuse that power anymore.

(Sorry. Philosophical tonight.)
10/07/2012
Contributor: Sir Sir
Actions speak louder than words, always.

Words are nice, but they're meaningless when a person's actions say completely otherwise. I don't want to be told that someone loves me when they lie to me, cheat on me, and offend me in every way humanly possible. I don't need to be told that a person loves me when they do right by me, when they go out of their way to please me.

I don't need the words if the actions are there.
10/07/2012
Contributor: Neotigress Neotigress
Quote:
Originally posted by Supervixen
I have been in a long term relationship in the past that was unhealthy, but difficult to disentangle myself from. We regularly said, "I love you," but it usually felt hollow on my end, because I felt obligated to say it, and guilty if I ... more
I've had partners tell me I don't say it enough for their comfort. But I hate to feel emotionally vulnerable, so I have to feel very secure in a relationship before I use the "l' word.
10/07/2012
Contributor: Sinfully Sinfully
If it's really love I want to say it and hear it back but actions do speak louder than words.
10/07/2012
Contributor: cherryredhead88 cherryredhead88
I like to hear it/say it when the time is right. I think actions speak louder than words but I am the type of person who needs re assurance with words. I need to hear that it's all good every once in a while.

As for with my kid, I tell him 100x a day
10/07/2012
Contributor: indiglo indiglo
I think each of us has so much baggage attached to those 3 little words... and sometimes our baggage takes us in 1 direction or the other. Supervixen, with that story, I can understand why those words would feel distasteful in your mouth. In fact, I've had similar feelings at different points in my life, and I found professional counseling EXTREMELY helpful to me in clearing out those cobwebs and that baggage. (I had been carrying it WAY too long, and I deserved better!)

Now, my current feelings on the whole "I love you" thing...

Growing up, we hardly ever said those words in my family. And I've never been one to use them lightly. I've only ever told 2 boyfriends/partners those words in my whole life. I don't use them lightly, but I revel in being able to say them now with my whole heart whenever the hell I want to! I find great freedom in saying them to my man, and I find great freedom in hearing it back from him. Largely because we both mean them, and it shows.

So, do I "need" to hear them? No - I won't shrivel up and die if I don't hear them, I rarely heard them growing up and I survived. But I really do love hearing them. More importantly though, I love hearing them and knowing it's true through actions. (I know a lady who says "I love you" to pretty much everyone, and her actions show it's not true, so those words ring hollow.)

But when they're backed up by actions, they are 3 of the most powerful, liberating words I've said or heard.
10/07/2012
Contributor: Thumper Logic Thumper Logic
They're definitely not light words to say, and have to be backed up.
10/07/2012
Contributor: lovebites lovebites
Quote:
Originally posted by damnbul12
I want to say it, but I back it up with my actions. I want my partner to feel loved, not just be told that he/ she is loved.
same
10/07/2012
Contributor: jr2012 jr2012
my partner and I just try to say those words when it's what we are really feeling. We have been together for a long time and sometimes it can become habit to just say it as you're leaving the house, hanging up the phone, etc., and I don't really like that. Save it for when you mean it!
10/07/2012
Contributor: sXeVegan90 sXeVegan90
I want to hear it, but the actions have to speak louder than the words; just saying it is not enough.
10/08/2012
Contributor: js250 js250
I do want and need to hear the words BUT they must be backed up by the actions as well. I am very generous with my husband with my actions showing how much I love him and also words. I only say it if I mean it, though.
10/08/2012
Contributor: Beautiful-Disaster Beautiful-Disaster
I want to hear it.. makes me feel better. & i also like when it's shown.
10/08/2012
Contributor: KrissyNovacaine KrissyNovacaine
I need to hear it, but I have to hear the sincerity with it and their actions need to show it.
10/08/2012
Contributor: VanillaFreeSex VanillaFreeSex
i like to hear it when it is being said because of how the person is feeling at that moment, not out of habit or obligation. i hated when it felt like "i love you" replaced goodbye, goodnight, etc.

and "i love you too"...that one bugs me the most.
10/08/2012
Contributor: Dixiemomma Dixiemomma
i dont need to hear it to know he loves me BUT i still want to hear it, i would be hurt if he ever didnt say it back....
10/08/2012
Contributor: Stinkytofu10 Stinkytofu10
Quote:
Originally posted by Supervixen
I have been in a long term relationship in the past that was unhealthy, but difficult to disentangle myself from. We regularly said, "I love you," but it usually felt hollow on my end, because I felt obligated to say it, and guilty if I ... more
I want to hear it, but the actions have to speak louder than the words; just saying it is not enough.
10/08/2012
Contributor: BrittaniMaree BrittaniMaree
either way works for me
10/08/2012
Contributor: ejrbrndps ejrbrndps
yes it is, most importantly for kids to hear it
10/08/2012
Contributor: Zandrock Zandrock
I like the words, but the relationship itself has to stand. It has to good, not just have words.
10/08/2012
Contributor: Airen Wolf Airen Wolf
(EF Review Program Mentor)
Quote:
Originally posted by Supervixen
I have been in a long term relationship in the past that was unhealthy, but difficult to disentangle myself from. We regularly said, "I love you," but it usually felt hollow on my end, because I felt obligated to say it, and guilty if I ... more
Saying that you love someone should be full of real emotion. As long as you explain to your partner that you have issues but DO feel the emotion he/she will know that if/when you do say it then it MEANS something.
I don't say it unless I mean it but if I do mean it I tend to say it often. I'd rather my loved ones hear, "I love you" as they walk out the door rather than anything else.
10/08/2012