The New Intimacy

He's depressed. In turn, I'm depressed. It's a mess. :/

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Contributor: Elaira Elaira
I've been seeing my boyfriend for a few months. Things were great up until a couple weeks ago. We're both bipolar, which makes it difficult sometimes.

I got depressed, but my depression usually only lasts a few days to a week. I started wanting sex less, or just avoiding it. This really upset him. We'd be fooling around, I needed a little encouragement to get into the mood, and he'd just give up and stop. Finally, I came around, read some books, took some herbs, and my drive has been restored.

For the last two weeks, though, he's been miserable. I don't know what to do. All he does is play video games and get stoned. I'll go visit him for the weekend (I live two hours away) and he won't want to do anything but stare at the tv.

I made him lover's coupons, got new stuff for us to use, got some games for us to play. Now, I'm usually the one initiating things. The past few times, though, he just stops in the middle of it, runs in the bathroom, and then goes back to his video games. No cuddling, nothing.

I mean, I don't know what to do. I've tried to talk to him about it, but he's been so distant that he doesn't even seem to want to listen. I'm at my wits end with him in that respect. I gave so much effort into restoring my libido, that it seems ours have flip-flopped. Now, though, the way he's acting makes me not want to do anything with him. I just feel worse afterwards.

So I guess I'm just venting and looking for anyone's thoughts on the issue. I love that I feel comfortable talking about this stuff with my EF family.
06/13/2011
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Contributor: Sammi Sammi
I have no advice for you, but I'm so sorry to hear what's going on!
06/13/2011
Contributor: Elaira Elaira
Thanks, anyway!

We're both psychology majors and are very familiar with the signs and symptoms of depression, so it makes it a bit easier to understand, but not any easier to fix.
06/14/2011
Contributor: P'Gell P'Gell
Honey, is he receiving medical help? BiPolar disorder is something I know well. It runs in my family, and so many people in my family have it. Also, as a nurse, I see the damage it does to lives, families and how it destroys happiness if not treated.

There are good treatments for BiPolar disorders. Many find smoking pot, while it may be fine for most people, will only cause the depressive/paralyzed phase of the cycle to lengthen.

I hope he can get some medical help and get treated so he can enjoy his life.

I hope you are taking care of yourself, too. This disease is too serious to not take care of.

Good luck to both of you and I hope things get better.
06/14/2011
Contributor: js250 js250
Quote:
Originally posted by Elaira
I've been seeing my boyfriend for a few months. Things were great up until a couple weeks ago. We're both bipolar, which makes it difficult sometimes.

I got depressed, but my depression usually only lasts a few days to a week. I ... more
Sorry to hear about your manics being at an opposite pole. Would either one of you be able to hit the plateau consciously long enough to let the other person"catch up" in their cycle? I know there is a very manic high, followed by the median and the manic low. Then you re-cycle and hit a plateau and go back to working up to the manic high. If you can both find an outlet for the manics and make a special signal for extreme sex vs. daily sex, it might be worth talking about and trying. You both have to work together with your cycles and sexual needs or it will be off ocassionally for the duration. Also remember that even in basic, non-polar relationships there are cycles that do not mesh all the time as well. That's why we masturbate.
06/14/2011
Contributor: K101 K101
Wow that's awful to hear. I wish I had some amazing advice, but I think I'd need more info to know. I had an issue similar to this with an ex but instead of video games it was his lame ass guitar which I loved the guitar until I spent days waiting for him to be done playing. NOT WORTH IT! I finally figured out that he wasn't any where near ready for a relationship. He was immature and didn't know how to give back or treat a woman. Do you think maybe he's wanting a break? A lot of mean go this route rather than being a real man and saying I don't want to see you. I'm not saying that's what's wrong at all. It could easil be something else, but have you thought of this option? I don't know yalls relationship so I'm not sure if that was a way off answer or not. For most women, with this type of behavior it signals something's wrong in the relationship usually that the other has nothing to give or does not want to give or put forth any effort. I do hope it gets better and he comes around
06/14/2011
Contributor: Liz2 Liz2
So sorry for your trouble! I would suggest you take care of yourself first...get on the proper meds. He seems to be self-medicating with pot which can also lower his libido.
Perhaps the reality is that he doesn't want a relationship at present. Again, take care of yourself is so important.
All the best!!
06/14/2011
Contributor: El-Jaro El-Jaro
I don't know about the specifics, other than what you stated, but it sounds like a talk is in order.

If you have depression issues, your happiness is most important. Don't swap your happiness for someone else's ennui.

Good luck!
06/14/2011
Contributor: cherryredhead88 cherryredhead88
Quote:
Originally posted by Elaira
I've been seeing my boyfriend for a few months. Things were great up until a couple weeks ago. We're both bipolar, which makes it difficult sometimes.

I got depressed, but my depression usually only lasts a few days to a week. I ... more
Wow. I recently had a very similar issue with my soon to be ex. He doesn't smoke pot, but he has major depression and I am bi polar. There are a lot more things into the story but I'll stick to this for now: It got too much, too soon.

My sex drive also went down as I have been on a low spur for a month or so now. I absolutely hate being bi polar because it is a constant struggle to stay balanced. Just when I started to level out, my insurance messed up with my meds. So for the last week I have been off of my Lexapro, just got it all straightened out yesterday, and I have been up all night with no energy any time of the day or night, just tired and pissy.

Anyways, I would sit down and write out what you want in a relationship/man vs. what you are getting. I don't know your details like how long you've been together, or how close you two are, but you both may need to re evaluate yourselves and the relationship.

Just sayin' Good luck!
06/14/2011
Contributor: Elaira Elaira
Thank you all.

He realizes what he does. He knows exactly what's going on. Some of us bipolar folks have a tendency to just not care about things for a while.

I sat down after our last visit and wrote him a long e-mail about how things with him. I told him that, at first, I thought it was me and that I was doing something wrong. When I finally got a chance to see everything for what it is, I saw that he was withdrawing from his friends, too.

Knowing this, I'm giving him his space. I want to ease up on him till he comes around because I know that having someone nag at you makes things worse. I told him that I'm here for him no matter what, that I'll do anything I can to make him happy or work with him, and asked him to not shut me out. He's been on the other side of those words before, as I have a tendency to do the exact thing he's doing.
06/14/2011
Contributor: El-Jaro El-Jaro
Quote:
Originally posted by Elaira
Thank you all.

He realizes what he does. He knows exactly what's going on. Some of us bipolar folks have a tendency to just not care about things for a while.

I sat down after our last visit and wrote him a long e-mail about how ... more
Good on you!
06/15/2011
Contributor: indiglo indiglo
Best wishes to you! I have lots of family and friends that are bi-polar too, and there's nothing you can do to make them "feel better" because it's a health issue not just an attitude issue. But you know that already. I think that you're doing the best thing you can do - be there for him without judging, ready to support him, and give him the space he needs when he needs it. Encourage him to see a dr. if he hasn't and to stay on his meds or start taking some if he hasn't done that too. I hope he starts feeling a bit better before too much longer!
06/15/2011
Contributor: shentel shentel
Quote:
Originally posted by Elaira
I've been seeing my boyfriend for a few months. Things were great up until a couple weeks ago. We're both bipolar, which makes it difficult sometimes.

I got depressed, but my depression usually only lasts a few days to a week. I ... more
let him be he will come around or you can get him to go out with you somewhere usually outside in the fresh air helps.
06/15/2011
Contributor: Elaira Elaira
Quote:
Originally posted by shentel
let him be he will come around or you can get him to go out with you somewhere usually outside in the fresh air helps.
That is my -exact- plan. I've left him alone this week and let him have his space/time to do what he wants. I'm going to see him for the weekend, and part of my plan is to get us out and about. Maybe a trip to the park will do him some good. He's already coming around. I've been getting the "Good morning, love" texts I haven't gotten in ages.

He's reluctant to see a doctor because it is another expense he doesn't need. It's the same way with me. I'd love to be on medication, but I can't afford it right now. What they had me on that worked wonderfully is about $200 a month. The doctor visits cost me an extra $200 a month. As it is, I'm barely getting by and he's the same way.

For now, it's a 'take it as it comes' kind of thing. I haven't seen a depressive episode of his until now.
06/15/2011
Contributor: jc123 jc123
I had a similar situation in college. It was tough to be in an environment where we were seemingly surrounded by sex but for whatever reason neither of us wanted it. Then the bitterness came, then the whole thing started to spiral out of control.

We took a break from each other for a few weeks-- I went on vacation with some girlfriends, then he went to visit his family. That really helped. While we were missing each other, we realized how important what we had was and that neither of us could really control the situation.

It sounds like you're on the right track with giving him space. Hopefully this weekend will be better.
06/15/2011
Contributor: El-Jaro El-Jaro
Have you tried looking into more homeopathic solutions?
06/16/2011
Contributor: Liz2 Liz2
Quote:
Originally posted by Elaira
That is my -exact- plan. I've left him alone this week and let him have his space/time to do what he wants. I'm going to see him for the weekend, and part of my plan is to get us out and about. Maybe a trip to the park will do him some good. ... more
Be straight with your MD about your finances. Ask if RX samples are available? They all have them. You can also contact the drug manufacturer for help as well.

It is almost impossible to help someone when you are so down yourself...
06/16/2011
Contributor: daniel and frances daniel and frances
Quote:
Originally posted by Elaira
I've been seeing my boyfriend for a few months. Things were great up until a couple weeks ago. We're both bipolar, which makes it difficult sometimes.

I got depressed, but my depression usually only lasts a few days to a week. I ... more
Ugh. I have been in this same situation. It's awful. My best advice is communication. It's REALLY important to state your needs and work together to fulfill both of you.
06/16/2011
Contributor: Elaira Elaira
I finally broke down and had a long talk with him. He put in a small amount of effort for about a day, and things were back to normal. We get to spend a four day weekend together. His birthday and an anniversary are all in that weekend, yet he refuses to take me out or do anything nice. He won't even let me take him out for dinner.

I don't think I can continue with this if it's going to drag on like this. It's really starting to wear me out and I just can't do this anymore.

I'm going down there tomorrow and I'm fully prepared to pack my things and not go back.
06/22/2011
Contributor: ss143 ss143
Quote:
Originally posted by Elaira
I finally broke down and had a long talk with him. He put in a small amount of effort for about a day, and things were back to normal. We get to spend a four day weekend together. His birthday and an anniversary are all in that weekend, yet he ... more
Im sorry you are having to deal with this as yourself and many others I suffer from depression and bf is bipolar so I can empathize. We have been together 14 years so we have kinda learned to deal with it when one of us is in that mode. You have to decide whats best for you If you can hang through it without triggering your own or going insane because of it great and if not you have to do what you must for your own health. Good luck I hope things get better.
06/22/2011