The New Intimacy

Do You Consider Online Sex-Roleplaying to be Cheating?

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Contributor: MeliPixie MeliPixie
So I accidentally stumbled across my boyfriend's Notes on an art site we visit. And I SWEAR on my LIFE, I really did just stumble... I saw there were notes and didn't realize it was him logged in, and not me. I'm not a snoop, and I hate snoopy girls. I'm trembling and almost unable to type this. I hate myself for not noticing the different background color. I really would not like to know what I'm about to tell you all.

My boyfriend of almost two years, with whom I have been completely honest and not been doing this sort of thing since we started dating, has been having internet sex with this girl. And I'm not even angry! I feel cheated on and hurt, and I feel like this means I'm not enough for him. He could always be doing this with me, and not some stranger. He even knows I enjoy it.

I consider our relationship to be long-term; we started out as friend for four years, and now we've been dating for almost two years after that, and in that time we have promised to only see one another romantically and sexually. We love each other, and trust each other completely (or so I thought) and we know things about the other that not even our best friends know. We will be moving in together soon and we have plans for kids and a future together. But now what I feel is a swirling pit of emptiness in my stomach, and my arms and legs are shaky and numb. I've felt this before, and I never thought I would feel it with him.

I logged him off immediately because I don't want to read them, I've already accidentally betrayed his trust when all I wanted to do was: Last night I saw he was writing notes, and I wondered if I had any. So I opened the site this morning and went into what I thought were my notes but were his, opened one, and holy crap. He's doing things with her in text he doesn't do with me and I've asked him to. It just... It really hurts.

So am I overreacting? Is cyber-sex not a form of sex with another person? Or am I right to feel hurt and betrayed like this? And was I wrong to send him this text:

"Okay. You're gonna hate me and think I was snooping. But I swear on my life I wasn't. I accidentally opened your (art site) notes... And I was like... I have notes? I never talk to anyone here... I forgot you were signed in... The color of the background didn't even make me go hey this isn't mine... But now that I've read your last message... I'm feeling a little hurt... I won't read any more of them because they're yours and clearly not mine, but would it be cruel of me to ask you not to do this anymore, my love...? It makes me feel like I'm not enough for you... If you want to roleplay, you always, always have me... *looks down and fidgets and bites her lip to stop it trembling* "

Please someone talk to me. I'm home alone in our apartment and feeling kinda betrayed.
Answers (private voting - your screen name will NOT appear in the results):
Yes, I would consider that cheating.
89
Maybe it's a mild form of it?
8
Nah, that doesn't sound like cheating to me...
4
Absolutely not, it's not cheating at all.
You're not overreacting at all.
52
You're overreacting, sorry.
3
Other (please explain)
6
Total votes: 162 (103 voters)
Poll is closed
08/02/2011
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Contributor: Ansley Ansley
Your feelings are valid. This is something the two of you need to sit down and discuss. I really hope things work out. *hugs*
08/02/2011
Contributor: P'Gell P'Gell
Honey, I'm sorry this happened. I didn't vote, because I think you need to talk to him first. All cheating has an emotional element, some forms are physical some are not. But, you and he need to talk.

Hugs and good luck, sweetie.
08/02/2011
Contributor: MeliPixie MeliPixie
Quote:
Originally posted by Ansley
Your feelings are valid. This is something the two of you need to sit down and discuss. I really hope things work out. *hugs*
Thank you. *hugs back* I tried to make my text as non-accusatory as possible... I don't want this to cause a rift between us, I just want to continue on with our relationship and get over it together... You know? I'm just a little scared he'll be upset I opened his notes in the first place. He's had snoopy girlfriends in the past, and I always promised I'd never snoop... so what do I do but read his stuff by accident. :'(
08/02/2011
Contributor: MeliPixie MeliPixie
Quote:
Originally posted by P'Gell
Honey, I'm sorry this happened. I didn't vote, because I think you need to talk to him first. All cheating has an emotional element, some forms are physical some are not. But, you and he need to talk.

Hugs and good luck, sweetie.
Thanks P'Gell. You always make sense. I hate that this happened this morning... He won't be home for another twelve hours.
08/02/2011
Contributor: P'Gell P'Gell
Quote:
Originally posted by MeliPixie
Thank you. *hugs back* I tried to make my text as non-accusatory as possible... I don't want this to cause a rift between us, I just want to continue on with our relationship and get over it together... You know? I'm just a little scared ... more
Jeez, sweetheart, don't TEXT him. This is serious, you two need to talk. Like, in the same room facing each other NO technology.

(This is the advice I would give and have given my own daughters. OK?)

Hugs again.
08/02/2011
Contributor: MeliPixie MeliPixie
Quote:
Originally posted by P'Gell
Jeez, sweetheart, don't TEXT him. This is serious, you two need to talk. Like, in the same room facing each other NO technology.

(This is the advice I would give and have given my own daughters. OK?)

Hugs again.
*laughs half-heartedly* Too late for the no technology, but thanks... Everything in me told me not to bother him at work with this, especially through text... But I never listen to my head when my heart is beating so hard...
08/02/2011
Contributor: P'Gell P'Gell
I didn't realize he wouldn't be home for hours. Can you at least call him at work? If not, then I know it sucks, but waiting until he gets home would be best.

I've had issues in my long marriage I've had to deal with, and I hate when they have to wait, but sometimes they have to wait until the time right to talk with no interruptions.
08/02/2011
Contributor: Ansley Ansley
Quote:
Originally posted by MeliPixie
Thank you. *hugs back* I tried to make my text as non-accusatory as possible... I don't want this to cause a rift between us, I just want to continue on with our relationship and get over it together... You know? I'm just a little scared ... more
You know, they say there are no such things as accidents. He didn't log out and you share a computer. Just sit down and talk about it and find out why he feels it's easier/better/whatever to do this with her than it is with you. It may take more than one conversation over several weeks or months, but if you're both willing then things can work out.

I know what it feels like, and it's such an amazingly terrible feeling. Express your pain and confusion in "I" statements. "I feel this...", not "you did this...".
08/02/2011
Contributor: P'Gell P'Gell
I know, I've sat there with my heart pounding in my ears. Everybody has been there about one event or an other.

You'll work it out, sweetie.

But, like Sapphire said, it may take more than one conversation.
08/02/2011
Contributor: LostBoy988 LostBoy988
Technically speaking if he wasn't being openly honest and communicating that he had some form of online affairs I might say that would be "cheating". However, its only human to want sexual interaction with others and thus I would suggest discussing this openly with him in terms of his desires, needs, and insecurities as well as yours too.
08/02/2011
Contributor: MeliPixie MeliPixie
No, I can't call him at work... His boss has a no personal calls during hours, rule. Maybe over break? I know I should have waited... I'm really kicking myself over that text. Now he's probably gonna think I want to fight about it when he gets home, even though we NEVER fight. I'm going to cook a yummy dinner like I planned, and we can talk about it then, provided he doesn't turn on the PS3. Or should I ask him not to so we can talk?

I just don't know what to do. I'm scared I will say the wrong thing and somehow end up without the guy I love most in the world. All the reading in the world hasn't prepared me for this.
08/02/2011
Contributor: Ansley Ansley
Quote:
Originally posted by MeliPixie
No, I can't call him at work... His boss has a no personal calls during hours, rule. Maybe over break? I know I should have waited... I'm really kicking myself over that text. Now he's probably gonna think I want to fight about it when he ... more
Um, honey...he's the one caught with his dick in the dirt, not you. Doing something special could reinforce the idea that he can do it, get caught, and get away with it.

Have dinner as usual and then sit down face to face and talk it out. Explain that you didn't realize it wasn't your account at first but once you did you stopped reading. Let him explain from there. If you want honest answers, ask open-ended questions.

"What do you like about doing this online?" "What do you like about doing this with her?" "Am I missing something?"
08/02/2011
Contributor: MeliPixie MeliPixie
Would it make it worse if since he hasn't responded, I texted him again, saying something to the effect of how I definitely shouldn't have bothered him at work about this, and we can talk later, on the phone or when he gets home... Would that be a nono since I already texted him once...? I just don't know u_u
08/02/2011
Contributor: MeliPixie MeliPixie
Quote:
Originally posted by Ansley
Um, honey...he's the one caught with his dick in the dirt, not you. Doing something special could reinforce the idea that he can do it, get caught, and get away with it.

Have dinner as usual and then sit down face to face and talk it out. ... more
The thing is I had already told him what I was making for dinner... I don't want to punish him by not making dinner, especially when it could just turn out that he didn't know I would consider it cheating and he'll stop and he's sorry... That would seem deliberately cruel, and like I said, I'm not angry, so punishing him by not making what I said I would would seem contradictory, you know...?

I know how I should talk, though, I'm pretty good at diffusing arguments. I hope this doesn't turn into one, and I *crosses fingers for luck* don't think it will.
08/02/2011
Contributor: Ansley Ansley
Quote:
Originally posted by MeliPixie
The thing is I had already told him what I was making for dinner... I don't want to punish him by not making dinner, especially when it could just turn out that he didn't know I would consider it cheating and he'll stop and he's ... more
Oh, I'm sorry. I missed the "as planned" part of the dinner idea. I think you need to busy yourself with building points on Eden, writing a story, vacuuming the house until your arm falls off and then prepping dinner. If he hasn't responded to your original text, then just leave him alone.

In my relationship, my guy would have his nuts chopped off and handed to him AS his dinner and if the situation were reversed it would be my tits on that platter. But, that's OUR relationship, not yours. And you should act accordingly. You know him, we don't. We don't know what sets him off, you do.

Is there some sort of D/s dynamic going on here? 'Cause, I kind of get the feeling that you're treading very neatly around this whole thing. Your discovery was not intentional on your part, but it very well may have been intentional on his part. You're only going to know this once he gets home and you can talk about it.

Worrying is like a rocking chair, it's something to do but it won't get you anywhere. Do keep us updated, though.
08/02/2011
Contributor: MeliPixie MeliPixie
Quote:
Originally posted by Ansley
Oh, I'm sorry. I missed the "as planned" part of the dinner idea. I think you need to busy yourself with building points on Eden, writing a story, vacuuming the house until your arm falls off and then prepping dinner. If he hasn't ... more
Oh my! No, I'm not going to accost him for something he may not even realize I would consider cheating, because maybe he doesn't or wouldn't.

There is a little bit of D/s going on, but first and foremost we are boyfriend and girlfriend. I tread carefully because I don't want to lose him, and I know he loves me and probably doesn't mean to hurt me. This is the first real issue we've had, and I want to resolve it and move forward, together if possible. But I'm a careful treader anyway, that's how I am.

I hate to ask, but why would it be intentional on his part...? *fidgets*
08/02/2011
Contributor: BBW Talks Toys BBW Talks Toys
Some thoughts:

You've said before that he makes you be accountable to him for all your online activity. He makes you print off chats and emails so he can make sure you aren't cheating on him. You said you have to give him all your passwords and usernames to all websites you participate on. My two cents? What's good for the goose is good for the gander. In my opinion, there's no way he didn't know that what he was doing was wrong, especially when he holds you to higher standards.

That said, it's how you feel that matters: If you feel cheated on, then you were. There's no way to reverse the feeling of betrayal. This will inevitably cause a rift between you. It's the work you're BOTH willing to put in that determines if it can be bridged or not.

Semi-solicited advice from someone who has been cheated on? Some serious work needs to happen. First, the trust and respect of privacy needs to go both ways. If he demands transparency and full-disclosure from you, then it's only right that he offers you the same level of transparency and disclosure. If he wants more privacy, he needs to be willing to give the same to you. Honestly, it feels like it's a little controlling from his end and that is not a relationship I would want to be in.
08/02/2011
Contributor: Ansley Ansley
Quote:
Originally posted by MeliPixie
Oh my! No, I'm not going to accost him for something he may not even realize I would consider cheating, because maybe he doesn't or wouldn't.

There is a little bit of D/s going on, but first and foremost we are boyfriend and ... more
Hmmm, I should have said subconsciously intentional. There's an old psychological theory that people who get caught want to be caught. It's easier for them to back out of the relationship then to (wo)man-up and say hey I can't do this anymore.

But, before you go barreling down that road at full-speed are there any clues that the relationship has gone south? Is there less sex? Is there a difference in the level of intimacy? Have you noticed any changes in him whatsoever?
08/02/2011
Contributor: Ansley Ansley
Quote:
Originally posted by BBW Talks Toys
Some thoughts:

You've said before that he makes you be accountable to him for all your online activity. He makes you print off chats and emails so he can make sure you aren't cheating on him. You said you have to give him all your ... more
Whoa! I did not have this information. Someone who is so controlling of things is often the one who is the most guilty. Yes?
08/02/2011
Contributor: BBW Talks Toys BBW Talks Toys
Quote:
Originally posted by Ansley
Whoa! I did not have this information. Someone who is so controlling of things is often the one who is the most guilty. Yes?
That's going off my memory, I'm about to look back and make sure that I don't have the wrong user. *bites nails*
08/02/2011
Contributor: MeliPixie MeliPixie
Quote:
Originally posted by BBW Talks Toys
Some thoughts:

You've said before that he makes you be accountable to him for all your online activity. He makes you print off chats and emails so he can make sure you aren't cheating on him. You said you have to give him all your ... more
Wait a second, BBW, I think you are thinking of someone else. He has never asked me to do that! Definitely not me you are thinking of. But thank you for the advice anyway
08/02/2011
Contributor: MeliPixie MeliPixie
Quote:
Originally posted by Ansley
Hmmm, I should have said subconsciously intentional. There's an old psychological theory that people who get caught want to be caught. It's easier for them to back out of the relationship then to (wo)man-up and say hey I can't do this ... more
Actually aside from being a little sad that I can't be here more often (I live part time here and part time with my parents until I can get a car and move in officially) there hasn't been a change. We have sex the same amount, we still cuddle after sometimes and clean right up sometimes, I can't think of a thing that has changed. And perhaps I'm just blind and don't want to see it, but that is my perception. It could just be that cybersex is normal to him and it's harmless because it's not "really" sex, just words, and I just happen to feel differently than he does, you know?
08/02/2011
Contributor: P'Gell P'Gell
Quote:
Originally posted by BBW Talks Toys
Some thoughts:

You've said before that he makes you be accountable to him for all your online activity. He makes you print off chats and emails so he can make sure you aren't cheating on him. You said you have to give him all your ... more
I agree.

I'm in a D/s relationship, but no way does he have any of my passwords, nor access to my desktop on our shared computer. But, that was what we worked out. We both realize each of us needs some privacy. But, he doesn't seem to think I would cheat on him. Was there a break of trust somewhere that he needs to see your print outs? Even in a D/s relationship, there should still be trust. And personal privacy. From my POV (which is of course, the way it works for us) we have our live together but still are allowed privacy. He did give me a hard time when I no longer wanted to share an email address with him. But, shit, it's the 20 and teens! Nobody shares email addresses like they did in the dial up days. I simply talked it out with him, said that it was too confusing for us to be weeding through emails and which one was directed at whom etc.

In all relationships, but especially those that recognize the internal power dynamics, it is often necessary to reassess what is working and if both parties are happy with the arrangement. If someone, either one of you is unhappy, then changes need to be made.

I don't want to tell you what to do, but I wouldn't text him again now. I hate waiting to settle things, too, but sometimes it's better to wait until you are both comfortable and relaxed than "get it over with" and risk rushing.

EDIT: That wasn't you who had those rules. OK, good. Never mind.
08/02/2011
Contributor: Ansley Ansley
Quote:
Originally posted by MeliPixie
Actually aside from being a little sad that I can't be here more often (I live part time here and part time with my parents until I can get a car and move in officially) there hasn't been a change. We have sex the same amount, we still cuddle ... more
If it hurts you, it's not just words. If he's hiding it, it's not just words. If he becomes angry and defensive and tries to deflect the matter onto how you stumbled into the account, it's not just words.

Take that for what you will.
08/02/2011
Contributor: MeliPixie MeliPixie
Quote:
Originally posted by P'Gell
I agree.

I'm in a D/s relationship, but no way does he have any of my passwords, nor access to my desktop on our shared computer. But, that was what we worked out. We both realize each of us needs some privacy. But, he doesn't seem to ... more
You make an incredibly valid point! However, this is his computer on which I unfortunately have no desktop of my own, so early on we agreed that even though we COULD access one another's stuff, we WOULDN'T. So not only am I feeling betrayed, but crushed that I accidentally betrayed HIS trust. And just to be clear one more time, BBW was thinking of someone else when she said that. Wolfie has never ever breached my privacy in such a blatant manner.

I've decided not to text him again unless he replies, and THEN I will tell him I shouldn't have texted at work, and we can talk about it later in person. I do plan to make it abundantly clear whenever that text does happen, that I'm not angry and he shouldn't be afraid, he worries and hates having people mad at him, and I'm just not mad.
08/02/2011
Contributor: MeliPixie MeliPixie
Quote:
Originally posted by Ansley
If it hurts you, it's not just words. If he's hiding it, it's not just words. If he becomes angry and defensive and tries to deflect the matter onto how you stumbled into the account, it's not just words.

Take that for what you will.
Yes, I hear what you're saying. What I mean is, it's possible that to HIM it's just words, you know? And that could really be all it is, some innocent fun that he doesn't realize might hurt me if I found it. I'm a benefit-of-the-doubt kind of girl.
08/02/2011
Contributor: Ansley Ansley
Quote:
Originally posted by MeliPixie
You make an incredibly valid point! However, this is his computer on which I unfortunately have no desktop of my own, so early on we agreed that even though we COULD access one another's stuff, we WOULDN'T. So not only am I feeling betrayed, ... more
You don't have your own login for the desktop? Why not?
08/02/2011
Contributor: BBW Talks Toys BBW Talks Toys
Quote:
Originally posted by MeliPixie
Wait a second, BBW, I think you are thinking of someone else. He has never asked me to do that! Definitely not me you are thinking of. But thank you for the advice anyway
Sorry. I was going off memory and man-o-man, some things get mixed up in my brain. I still don't know who it was, but I did realize (when I searched for your threads) that it isn't you. SO SORRY! *shameface*

I still hold to my opinion that this will cause a rift and that the work you both put in will determine if it can be bridged. (It CAN be bridged, it just depends on the work put in.)

Maybe I'm more like Sapphire Storm, but I ALSO would have his balls handed to him (and vice versa) if these discoveries were made in my own relationship. I certainly wouldn't be making a nice dinner for him to come home to. Jus' Sayin'.

Is it because you don't like conflict that you're treading so carefully, or because you don't want to lose him? If he really loves you, he won't leave because you're pissed off about something you have EVERY. RIGHT. to be upset over and are holding him accountable for his actions. And if he DOES leave? Then he doesn't have what it takes to be in an adult, committed relationship.
08/02/2011
Contributor: MeliPixie MeliPixie
Quote:
Originally posted by Ansley
You don't have your own login for the desktop? Why not?
*shrugs* I'm not really sure. I think we were both too lazy to create one for me, since we trust one another it wasn't a big deal before. In the snoopy-girl relationship I was talking about before, when she started snooping, he changed all of his passwords and made her her own desktop, so instead of being "Yay my own desktop!" It would feel more like, "What, doesn't he trust me even though I'm not her?" Does that make sense?
08/02/2011