I've been dating C for three months and we have a really good relationship save for the fact that he's working out his last relationship (ended a year before we got together) because it was traumatic for him. Because I've allowed him to verbally work this out by acting as his listener, I'm now hearing about all the other crazy bitches he dated ... in short, he never worked through the losses and feels safe enough with me to do so.

It's only been the past week that I've begun to develop a resentment to this, and my own feelings of jealousy are getting in the way. Yes, they all really were crazy in different ways and it's obvious he's glad he left them, but I'm feeling very crowded in this relationship. It's like they're looking over his shoulder at me and saying "You'll never be remembered like us. You'll never excite him like we did. You're too boring." (The fact is, comparably, I'm anti-drama and more well-adjusted, so I tend to be quiet.)

He's made it clear to me that he feels extremely comfortable with me and that I'm his equal and had always wanted to date me since high school and that our relationship is as great as he thought it would be. He certainly does not want to go back to any of the craziness. He's never compared me to them, and he does focus on Us when he isn't taken with some memory that pops up.

But I'm feeling resentment about all these Ghosts of Girlfriends Past. I've decided that I am going to have a heart-to-heart about this with him when I next see him, because I'm pretty sure he isn't aware that what he's doing is Against the Rules for Adult Relationships. Besides, I'm not a qualified counselor who can disassociate myself from my feelings and guide him through this. I'm not supposed to do it. He needs to work this out with a professional.

I'm afraid of him leaving me because of it - my previous experience is people dropping me as friend or girlfriend whenever I state that what they're doing makes me uncomfortable. The law of "if you can't accept what I do, then I don't need you" can only be taken so far - the other person's feelings have to be taken into account if the friend-/relationship means anything to you. So far, he's been reasonable about everything else, so this really is just my own fear tempered by experience with less mature people.

My nerves are making me sick. Wish me luck in expressing this in a calm, non-accusatory manner without using the wrong words. less

I've been dating C for three months and we have a really good relationship save for the fact that he's working out his last relationship (ended a year before we got together) because it was traumatic for him. Because I've allowed him to verbally work this out by acting as his listener, I'm now hearing about all the other crazy bitches he dated ... in short, he never worked through the losses and feels safe enough with me to do so.

It's only been the past week that I've begun to develop a resentment to this, and my own feelings of jealousy are getting in the way. Yes, they all really were crazy in different ways and it's obvious he's glad he left them, but I'm feeling very crowded in this relationship. It's like they're looking over his shoulder at me and saying "You'll never be remembered like us. You'll never excite him like we did. You're too boring." (The fact is, comparably, I'm anti-drama and more well-adjusted, so I tend to be quiet.)

He's made it clear to me that he feels extremely comfortable with me and that I'm his equal and had always wanted to date me since high school and that our relationship is as great as he thought it would be. He certainly does not want to go back to any of the craziness. He's never compared me to them, and he does focus on Us when he isn't taken with some memory that pops up.

But I'm feeling resentment about all these Ghosts of Girlfriends Past. I've decided that I am going to have a heart-to-heart about this with him when I next see him, because I'm pretty sure he isn't aware that what he's doing is Against the Rules for Adult Relationships. Besides, I'm not a qualified counselor who can disassociate myself from my feelings and guide him through this. I'm not supposed to do it. He needs to work this out with a professional.

I'm afraid of him leaving me because of it - my previous experience is people dropping me as friend or girlfriend whenever I state that what they're doing makes me uncomfortable. The law of "if you can't accept what I do, then I don't need you" can only be taken so far - the other person's feelings have to be taken into account if the friend-/relationship means anything to you. So far, he's been reasonable about everything else, so this really is just my own fear tempered by experience with less mature people.

My nerves are making me sick. Wish me luck in expressing this in a calm, non-accusatory manner without using the wrong words. less

Wow! I applaud you for your efforts! I don't usually like to hear ex-girlfriend stories, especially when they make me feel inferior in some way. It's hard dealing with jealousy issues. Especially if you have been hurt in the past, it can be very difficult to brush aside fears.

I just have a few questions about your situation;

1) Were you friends before you started dating? If so, for how long?
2) Kinda related to the first Q: How long has he been confiding in you, and how long ago he start talking about ex-girlfriend issues?

Basically, have you been allowing him to be open with you for a long while? If you were okay with it for the first 2 1/2 months, it might make him feel bad if you cut him off. I would definitely have a talk with him about it, the longer it goes on the more resentful he may feel, just sure you word it thoughtfully.

Often in life you train people how to treat you. If you don't like something nip it in the bud before its engrained!

You'll be alright, he likes you because you're different. If he can't respect your feelings, better to learn it sooner than later. less

You sound really clear about this, which I applaud. You are absolutely right that you are not the one he needs to talk to about those past issues and losses--he needs a counselor for that. It's wonderful that he feels so comfortable with you, and sometimes when we feel really safe and comfortable with someone, we can accidentally start taking advantage of their goodwill without realizing it. Like you said, he probably isn't aware of how this is affecting you. I'm sure that if he loves you and respects you as he seems to, then he'll respect your feelings on this, and go get help from where he should be seeking it. You can be his support in other ways that are appropriate for an SO, by being a good partner. You aren't his psychiatrist, nor should you be. No wonder you're feeling crowded in your relationship--he hasn't dealt with the ones from the past, yet.

For what it's worth, if I were in your position, I probably wouldn't be nearly as patient and understanding. A lot of people wouldn't be. It's bad form to talk about exes with your current partner. It's not that it's off limits for good, or that you can never bring them up once in a while--we all have a past and a history that contributes to who we are currently, and sometimes, that past is going to come up. But to treat your SO like your therapist and go on and on about them, even if you speak of the negative things they did is just...selfish.

Have the heart to heart with him. You seem like the kind of person who can talk without letting your emotions get the best of you and flying off the handle. Be calm, honest, non-accusatory...and I'm sure he'll understand. Most people would not put up with listening to their partner go and on about the exes, because it's not really fair, and nobody wants to sit and think about the other people their partner has been with.

Good luck--I think you guys will be fine. less

I would let him know how you feel--but do it gently. Tell him you know he needs to work through this, but since you are now very emotionally involved it is starting to hurt you to hear about his treatment from the others and you would like to work on making sure you guys do not end up hurting each other....

Hugs and it will go good--sounds like you have respect for each other!! less