The New Intimacy

Really need support ending long term relationship...

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Contributor: ShySubmissive ShySubmissive
Hey all, I know its kinda sad to be posting about something like this on a sex toy site..but im 400 miles from home and I just feel really alone and hoping maybe people on here have been through tough situations too and can offer some words of encouragement...

First off, this is my first real relationship ive ever had, and the only mad ive ever "been with" ....ive never really gotten to even expereience dating...so im afraid of many things...but here is the quick run down:

Got into this relationship when I was 16,and he was 20. Didn't care about long term goals then, so I didn't notice he was already not the type of person I should be with goal-wise.

I have been with him 8+ years and he has NEVER WORKED, I am now employed and making great money. He sits and plays XBOX, talks on the phone, watches tv,etc. etc.

We have argued about this for years, and i am the ultimate door mat. He kept saying he would get a job and its still never happened.

I am not attracted to him anymore, and i dont respect him as a man because quite frankly he isn't one right now. I feel like he is a responsibility of mine almost.

I had to move away from home to get a job I wanted, and he raised a big stink about it, though its only for a year. Now hes here with me (promising to work and wed change our lives around) 7 months later NO JOB. His family sends him money! I dont buy his food or anything, but i pay all the damn bills without a penny from him or a thank you.

I had a house fire last year and he said we'd rebuild together. That didnt even change him.

So 7 weeks ago we had a huge blowout, he broke my oven by "accidentally" hitting the glass top and I told him to leave. Well since we're out of state he had no where to go, and being stuck with him in the apartment I eventually caved in to all his apologies and begging/crying and he claimed it would all be different.

well he did a few things, he fills out apps online and he reads the classified in the paper. Still he hasn't gotten anything (he also doesn't drive!!) he never asks me to take him to places, or to let him drive my car. I'm just not happy.

so heres my plan

I go back to my home state monday, hes coming with me. I wanted to break up with him there and leave him at his parents, and bring his stuff down the next week (so he doesnt come back with me). Is this cruel? Im afraid to tell him here, he has a scary temper (yelling and hitting things but not me) and i know ill cave if im stuck with him begging and crying again.

I feel so lost and trapped...
09/01/2010
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Contributor: Chilipepper Chilipepper
This sounds almost exactly like my situation (married 10 years to a lazy bum whom I took care of all that time, and eventually figured out that I didn't love him), so I feel your pain. (I, too, spent YEARS doing the begging and crying because I was afraid of being alone, even though I 'knew' I would have been better off without him.) (And the 'doesn't drive' part ... that was also my husband.) (And my husband was my first 'real' relationship, too.) (This is getting creepy ... but anyway ... )

You've thought about this carefully and you're able to take care of yourself without him around. You're not going into this impulsively. Yes, you need to get rid of that millstone around your neck. YOU are through with HIM - even if he magically got a job this week, it doesn't change the situation.

Yes, it would be best to take him 'home to mommy and daddy' and officiate the break up there. He can't hold you emotionally hostage that way (I had to go back to the home-state, too, to finally tell mine I wanted a divorce).

You are doing the right thing for YOU. You need to take care of yourself - you have your whole life ahead of you that you don't need to waste it on an ingrate that takes advantage of your love and responsible nature. You don't need a 'child', and that's exactly what your relationship is - you're the mother and he's the child. That's NOT a healthy relationship!

As people told me when I finally booted my husband out: "It's better to be alone than be with someone who makes you unhappy." And, after all this time, I found it to be extremely true.

Good luck; you'll be MUCH stronger for getting rid of this thing hanging onto your skirts. And you'll always have us here.

*hugs*
09/01/2010
Contributor: Airen Wolf Airen Wolf
(EF Review Program Mentor)
Quote:
Originally posted by ShySubmissive
Hey all, I know its kinda sad to be posting about something like this on a sex toy site..but im 400 miles from home and I just feel really alone and hoping maybe people on here have been through tough situations too and can offer some words of ... more
If he's 28 and his parents are still footing his bills nothing is going to change. I know it would be better to have his stuff packed and ready to go with you when you go home but your idea sounds the safest under the circumstances. You need this monkey off your back, then you need to assess why you chose him and resolve NOT to find someone to replace him. The next guy might be 100 times worse! Get some counseling and really work on building a better image of the potential life mate you want and need, that way you know what you are looking for and you'll recognize a good thing when you see it. I'm not meaning to impugn your intelligence but this is the advice I give anyone who is in a bad relationship and wanting out. The fact is, if you don't really work to understand WHY and HOW you got into this mess you will most likely make the same mistake again...because it's human nature. Rather than sticking to the monster you know go on out and find a totally new monster to become acquainted with!
09/01/2010
Contributor: ShySubmissive ShySubmissive
Thank you both for the great replies...
I have anxiety to begin with, and even though i know im totally unhappy, now that im so close to doing the deed im sweating and shaking and doubting myself
Seeing him cry is like my achilles heel, and i know when i start the conversation the begging and crying will begin...
09/01/2010
Contributor: Chilipepper Chilipepper
Quote:
Originally posted by ShySubmissive
Thank you both for the great replies...
I have anxiety to begin with, and even though i know im totally unhappy, now that im so close to doing the deed im sweating and shaking and doubting myself
Seeing him cry is like my achilles heel, and i ... more
This is why you need people with you for the support. You need either set of parents there to help act as an emotional buffer for you - they don't have to say anything, but being in the room or the next room will help.

Shy, I'm going to tell you something. I was so miserable with my ex-husband that I almost jumped off a bridge. I had reached the absolute bottom of my reserves and there was NOTHING else I could give. I stood on the bridge, trying to figure out which rock below would crack my head open. I finally managed to reason with myself to go to my therapist and she put me into a crisis center. After that, I drove my household (husband and pets) from Montana to Florida so I could recover with my family enough to tell my husband it was Over.

I was terrified of telling my ex-husband - I decided while I was on a trip to visit a friend that I was going to do it right when I got back, and I had anxiety attacks the whole plane trip back. My parents picked me up at the airport and they were in the kitchen while I told him in the den. Absolutely no wavering on my part at all - I meant business and he KNEW his mooching days were over. It was not a conversation, it was a statement of fact: "This marriage is over and I want you out of my life now." No room for talking about it, just an outright 'GAME OVER'.

The first step is ALWAYS the hardest. Resolve in yourself that this needs to be done, for your self-preservation. You are far more worthy than what he is offering (which is nothing). This is for YOU, for your own sanity and well-being. DON'T get to the point I did in which you have nothing left, not even the will to live. He is NOT worth losing your well-being so his feelings 'won't get hurt'. I did that, not wanting to 'hurt his feelings', and I ended up on a bridge because I was sparing his while mine were being trampled.

Be true to yourself. And like Airen said, the time after you get rid of him is a time to figure out yourself and what you really want. It's worth it. Trust me.
09/01/2010
Contributor: Naughty Student Naughty Student
I don't think your plan is cruel at all. I think it's cruel that you had to live with him and tolerate him for so long.

Koudos to you for wanting to make a change and to prioritize yourself!!! I haven't really gone through something like that but I can understand how frustrating it must be. Good luck and be strong!
09/02/2010
Contributor: Riccio Riccio
Do you want a man, or a twenty-eight year-old baby? If you keep the baby, you'll never meet the man.

Also, I agree wholeheartedly with Airen Wolf; you must seek counseling to understand why you have remained in this relationship. Otherwise, you will make the same mistake again and again; the only differences will be the color of the hair.

Yes, I know I am harsh, but his emotional blackmail, with his easy tears and his empty promises, is so manipulative that I feel angry.
09/02/2010
Contributor: ScottA ScottA
His parents might be enablers- bring your parents or a friend that you can count on.

He's not changing and won't until he has to, and he has decided that he never will have to with you and his parents around, since he can manipulate all of you.
09/02/2010
Contributor: Envy Envy
It's obvious he won't change. I really do think you need to cut the strings and do for yourself so you can grow to your full potential and look out for YOU and do for YOU. Gather as many as you can to support you, family, friends, etc. Seek counseling. Do what you can to help yourself through this, and kick this mooch to the curve.

You deserve better, and good luck!
09/02/2010
Contributor: Illusional Illusional
Yes, bring a friend. Just in case his parents are enablers and allow that behavior.

You are NOT cruel. You are a saint and you deserve so much better.
I'm also a submissive, I know how hard it can be to stand up to someone.
09/02/2010
Contributor: BSJ BSJ
Once he is gone you will be doing much better. Not having to deal with the daily stress of his bullshit and no longer paying his way in life will do wonders for your well-being. It seems that you already have your mind made up and he is history. If you aren't married leave his ass where he is and go on with your life. If he raises a shitstorm then get a restraining order. You have everything going in your favor so keep your chin up and follow through with your plans for freedom.
09/02/2010
Contributor: ShySubmissive ShySubmissive
I know this move will be the best for me, im not happy and i havent been in a long time, i dont even like cuddling with him anymore let alone having sex...right now im stuck with him until we go back to our home state monday...
my mind is already trying to play tricks on me though,remembering the good times.
Hes sweet and would never cheat on me or hit me, and hes funny and makes me laugh amd is super polite...sometimes i wish he were a total jerk to make this an easier break..


thank you all SO SO much for all of the support, i really need it, and im going to try so hard to be strong on tuesday...(im giving him a peaceful day with his faily before i tell him the news most likely over the phone)
09/02/2010
Contributor: ShySubmissive ShySubmissive
Also, I do see a therapist, with whom ive spoken about my boyfriend a lot. Hopefully he will also be there for me to work things out after this is all said and done, my appointment isn't until the 14th though

I also have to figure out how to move all his stuff out of here and get it back to the other state, hopefully my parents will be more then happy to oblige. Also i cant be there for the drop off, i know he will try and confront me...

we've shared a lot,including my housefire which was the worst event of my life...its going to be hard to let go.
09/02/2010
Contributor: ScottA ScottA
Quote:
Originally posted by ShySubmissive
Also, I do see a therapist, with whom ive spoken about my boyfriend a lot. Hopefully he will also be there for me to work things out after this is all said and done, my appointment isn't until the 14th though

I also have to figure out how ... more
"Shared" seems to mean you've given and he's taken in this case.

The above sounds somewhat brutal, but do try to think about what he has really brought to the relationship.He might be sweet and non-malevolent, but he isn't an adult yet.
09/02/2010
Contributor: Liz2 Liz2
Bravo for finally making the right decision!! Doing it on your ground with a support system around you is as good as it gets.
Point of fact; why should he change?? Absolutely no tangible reason!
You mentioned loneliness...you are lonely now, hurting, frustrated and somewhat fearful.
This guy has a long way to grow up to at least act even 16yrs old...
My thoughts are with you, major life decisions are never easy but it far more harmful not to make a decision and keep this going.
09/02/2010
Contributor: ShySubmissive ShySubmissive
The days are ticking down, and my mind is consumed with fear and guilt...i keep doubting myself, and thinking about all the good times..but i know its just my fear of leaving the comfort zone and of hurting hinm

thanks again everyone...3 more days until we go back...
09/02/2010
Contributor: Envy Envy
Remember, one is only sweet when they want something. Especially when it comes to manipulative assholes. Be good, get a cookie, be bad, throw a tantrum. He's no different from a child.

Put your foot down, or rather, put your foot somewhere the sun doesn't shine with him....
09/02/2010
Contributor: Chilipepper Chilipepper
Quote:
Originally posted by ShySubmissive
The days are ticking down, and my mind is consumed with fear and guilt...i keep doubting myself, and thinking about all the good times..but i know its just my fear of leaving the comfort zone and of hurting hinm

thanks again everyone...3 more ... more
The boogey-thoughts want to get you because the unknown is too fearful. Don't let them get to you, hon. Sparing his feelings will only kill your soul and your well-being in the end. Freedom is better than being an emotional hostage.

I've been there, I know the hells you're going through, and I believe you can get through this. Declaring your freedom is the greatest thing you can do for yourself.
09/03/2010
Contributor: Airen Wolf Airen Wolf
(EF Review Program Mentor)
Quote:
Originally posted by ShySubmissive
I know this move will be the best for me, im not happy and i havent been in a long time, i dont even like cuddling with him anymore let alone having sex...right now im stuck with him until we go back to our home state monday...
my mind is already ... more
Why would he cheat? You are his meal ticket and house mommy! He has no urge to do ANYTHING and any future 'good times' you have with him will include his absolute inertia and laziness. You have to decide if that's the life you want to live.
09/03/2010
Contributor: Riccio Riccio
Hello ShySubmissive,
I know I am speaking for everyone here. We all know how difficult your decision is, and how painful it is for you to carry it through. May you have the strength to do what is best for you and your boy-man.

In the end, your courage will help him to grow up; he may never do that even now, but he will never do it without your ending this exploitive relationship.

Vampires are only entertaining at the cinema. They are hell in the bedroom!

A hug, and some strong garlic, from all of us.
09/06/2010
Contributor: P'Gell P'Gell
Quote:
Originally posted by Airen Wolf
If he's 28 and his parents are still footing his bills nothing is going to change. I know it would be better to have his stuff packed and ready to go with you when you go home but your idea sounds the safest under the circumstances. You need this ... more
Honey, I was going to post, but I think Airen said it all. Everyone here is giving good information. It's hard to go out on your own, but it's not like you are finacially dependent on him.

You are NOT "being cruel" you are DONE. He has contributed nothing and you need to take care of your own life.

What is with these dudes who don't drive and don't work? As Airen said, just take some time on your own, because it would be easy to fall into a relationship that is identical.

Make sure any guy you date has a job and a car! (Damn, that was on my List when I was in High School. "Must have job." "Must drive and have own car." "Must have education." "Must have brains." "Must have internal drive to get more out of his life.") I know it sounds mean to have a "list" but you need to know what you want out of life and what you want out of a man. (I dropped my very first boyfriend, when I was about 15, and he was 18, because he had no job, no car and had dropped out of High School. I KNEW if I stayed with him too long, I'd end up supporting him, and so I got out before I really really fell in love. I was LUCKY I think. He was a charming, good looking and smart guy. Just had NO drive at all, unless it was for taking and selling drugs. Like I said, I got lucky and jumped ship early. I met My Man shortly after, and DAMN am I glad I got out of that other relationship!)

Do what you have planned to do, don't let his crying and whining and "promising" change your mind.

YOU have a right to a good life. He isn't going to change. You know that, so don't let him guilt you into staying with him.

You are already supporting yourself so keep going on your own.


You CAN DO IT!

Blessings. Strength. Love. And a promise that a year or less from now you will be SO glad you got him out of your life!
09/06/2010
Contributor: P'Gell P'Gell
Quote:
Originally posted by Chilipepper
This is why you need people with you for the support. You need either set of parents there to help act as an emotional buffer for you - they don't have to say anything, but being in the room or the next room will help.

Shy, I'm going ... more
I am still SO proud of you, Chili! It must have been so hard, but you did it, and you know you are so much better off.

Shy Sub, please listen to Chili, the girl knows what she speaks.

It's hard, but you can do it.

I'm so proud of you strong women for doing this, and making your lives your own.

You WILL be rewarded, you just don't get to choose when. Shy Sub, honey, it will get better AFTER you get rid of him.

Blessings to both of you.

It's Monday. Shy Sub is now in the middle of her situation. I know I'm going to light a candle and think of her and pray and meditate that she is OK and just gets stronger every day.
09/06/2010
Contributor: ShySubmissive ShySubmissive
I did it....

but I think its far from over...

It was the worst thing ive ever done. It went from him calling me every horrible name under the sun and "how could you do this to me" "people are putting shit in your head"
He even wished me dead at one point but then quickly took it back.
Then it went to him commiting suicide, and that if i got off the phone he was going to go kill himself.
After that it went to begging and crying.

I finally hung up, and hes called and called. I dont know yet about how im going to get his stuff out, he wants to pack it himself and is BEGGING to come back with me to pack it, but i wont ride with him.

He also wants to come back and live as "friends" because now he says he has nowhere to go and will end up on the streets...

Id be lying if i said the guilt isnt getting to me...but the hardest part is over...

I cant even express how much the support here is helping me...thank you all so much..<3 Shy
09/07/2010
Contributor: Not here Not here
Quote:
Originally posted by ShySubmissive
I did it....

but I think its far from over...

It was the worst thing ive ever done. It went from him calling me every horrible name under the sun and "how could you do this to me" "people are putting shit in your ... more
Stay strong, sweetie. Thankfully the hard part is over, but don't let this leech try to work his way back in! I doubt he would actually be homeless, so don't feel guilty. I'd say the best bet would be to pack his stuff and move it yourself if possible. Maybe you could get one of those "Pods" storage units that you can mail somewhere, if you have the money to do so. I really don't know how much they cost, but if you can afford it, it would probably be a huge help to you. Here's the link- Pods

If you have to change your phone number so he can't call you anymore, do it. You deserve to live your life for you, and be happy. We're all here for you!
09/07/2010
Contributor: Chilipepper Chilipepper
He's pushing all those buttons that would make you cave in before. He still thinks he can manipulate you into letting him get back to the way things were. It's not working now.

Suicide, no where to go - ALL EMPTY THREATS!

Pack up his shit when you get home, and call a freight company (Freight Center link has great deals) to ship his stuff to him - you DON'T HAVE TO see him ever again.

Shy, the worst part is over - you told him good-bye and good riddance. You have given yourself Freedom.

*many strong hugs*
09/07/2010
Contributor: SydVicious SydVicious
Quote:
Originally posted by Not here
Stay strong, sweetie. Thankfully the hard part is over, but don't let this leech try to work his way back in! I doubt he would actually be homeless, so don't feel guilty. I'd say the best bet would be to pack his stuff and move it ... more
I agree. You got the hard part out of the way. Stick to your guns. I wouldn't let him come back to the house with me. At all. Not even to get his stuff. You take it to him.

As Jesibel said.. change your number if you have to.
09/07/2010
Contributor: ~LaUr3n~ ~LaUr3n~
Quote:
Originally posted by ShySubmissive
Hey all, I know its kinda sad to be posting about something like this on a sex toy site..but im 400 miles from home and I just feel really alone and hoping maybe people on here have been through tough situations too and can offer some words of ... more
I'm going to inbox you about this hun. I've got some personal stories to share since I was in a similar situation.
09/07/2010
Contributor: P'Gell P'Gell
Quote:
Originally posted by ShySubmissive
I did it....

but I think its far from over...

It was the worst thing ive ever done. It went from him calling me every horrible name under the sun and "how could you do this to me" "people are putting shit in your ... more
I am PROUD of you. Stay hard, stay strong. Don't fall for his bullshit. He won't "kill himself" and even if he "attempts" it, he is the one who chooses to do it, and chances are he is only trying to get attention. NOBODY can "make" someone hurt themselves.

Keep the Faith.

I KNOW you can stay strong and keep yourself busy and away from him. DO NOT even consider letting him live with you "as freinds." It will be the same, only worse. You know this.

You are a strong woman. You OWN your own life. Live will be better. You are stronger and happier without him. You do NOT need him. He does NOT need you. (He just wants a Mommy to support him. Let his real Mommy support him if she wants to. It isn't your job anymore.) Keep telling yourself this.
09/07/2010
Contributor: FrenchKisser FrenchKisser
we learn more from one mistake than thousand of advise. you have learnt a great lesson: you are a strong and smart woman! keep looking forward and one day you will meet a guy who will work his a$$ for you!
09/07/2010
Contributor: Riccio Riccio
Hello ShyS,
The others have contributed so much good, caring advice that the only point to add is, listen to it.

Keep this boy-man away from you and you will be happier; I promise.
09/09/2010