The New Intimacy

Quite a sticky situation. I need advice.

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Contributor: Elaira Elaira
I'd been seeing someone really seriously since April. We hit it off and had so much fun. We fell madly in love with each other and I had never been happier. About two months into things, things started to change. He's bipolar and became really depressed. It made things between us pretty rough because some of my issues had resurfaced. We decided to break things off, but nothing changed between us after that. We still acted like we did before. Actually, things got better. We decided to remain exclusive with each other.

He lives two hours away from me and I'd go spend the weekends with him every single weekend. Lately, we've had a lot going on with him moving and me working a lot, so we haven't actually gotten to see each other in a few weeks. We have quick conversations online or a phone call here and there.

Yesterday, I took a peek at his profile on OkCupid (we met there) and he removed his whole "fuck dating" introductory paragraph and replaced it with one praising polyamory. I asked him about it. He said he's always felt that way and that no one person will ever make him 100% happy, so why not be with a few different people? He told me he hasn't done anything with anyone, but there are people he's interested in. He's honoring our exclusive agreement.

This caught me really off guard. He had never even mentioned anything to me in the whole time he was with me. I'm open to polyamory, but only when my main partner is making sure all of my needs are met and he and I are engaging in things together. I can't be there all the time. I really wouldn't be ok with that sort of arrangement because of the state of our relationship. He said he's made up his mind and it's something he wants to do. Meanwhile, I have no idea what I should do. Should I walk away and just count my losses? Should I try to work on things with us so that the situation gets better and that kind of agreement should be worked out? Should I tell him that I don't want to be physical with him at all if there are other people in the picture? My feelings are all over the place.

After our long talk about it yesterday, we decided that it would be good for me to visit this weekend. I just want to hear some advice before I go down there.
08/08/2011
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Contributor: aliceinthehole aliceinthehole
that's pretty strange that someone you've been seeing 'really seriously' only recently surfaced such a large part of his psyche. and he didnt even reveal it to you, you found it out through a third party. that's kind of sketch if you ask me.

and going from 'fuck dating' when he's 'seeing' you to 'polyamory' doesn't make it sound good either.

i most certainly wouldnt discourage trying to work things out if you want to. but do so with a grain of salt and at least the knowledge that he could be full of more surprises.


sorry i dont have more than that for you.

essentially only you can know what's best for you.

good luck.
08/08/2011
Contributor: Ansley Ansley
My honest advice? Walk away and count your blessings. That's quite a shift in beliefs AND personality in such a short time. This will probably cause more than hell than bliss.
08/08/2011
Contributor: Elaira Elaira
Thanks to both of you. I asked him why he didn't tell me about it during the time we were together when things were good. We've had serious talks about that. Hell, I even mentioned I wanted to find a girlfriend for us an all that. He said he still didn't know how he felt about it at that time. Well, now that I've been away for a few weeks, now he's talking about seeing other people. Something just doesn't sound right.

When I ask him what he wants from me he says "I want to enjoy your company while you're here." I asked him about the "while I was there" part and what about when I'm not there. He said that's not what he meant.

He says things that contradict themselves. He'll go from "I get bored with people." to "I love and appreciate so many things about you. I'm not bored with you." and then "No one will ever make me completely happy" to "You make me so happy."

I told him I can't really be a part of this whole thing unless things between us are better. I asked him if he wanted that for us and he gave me an answer somewhere between yes and no. I told him I was ready to be done with it all because there was no substance to it anymore. He wasn't okay with that either.

This is reason 234523524 that I don't like dating younger guys.
08/08/2011
Contributor: Linga Linga
You turn to tail and run, I'm sorry to put it so bluntly because you obviously have feelings for him but if this guy is willing to about face on what he believes and wants so easily whenever he chooses then all I see is heartache in the future
You need someone who wants the same things you do.
08/08/2011
Contributor: Elaira Elaira
Thank you. I know it's what's best. Even before this, I was contemplating just letting things go with him because it's been going downhill. I told him this during our discussion and he just said "That's your decision."

Why does it have to be left up to me? If you really love someone and want them in your life, I doubt you'd let them walk away that easily without even trying to convince them to do otherwise.
08/08/2011
Contributor: indiglo indiglo
I agree. You haven't invested a ton of time or of yourself into this relationship yet, so if it isn't meeting your needs (and if it doesn't seem like he cares to) I'd just head for the nearest exit.


"Why does it have to be left up to me? If you really love someone and want them in your life, I doubt you'd let them walk away that easily without even trying to convince them to do otherwise."

You're exactly right. So that tells you a lot about his feelings right there. Sorry!
08/08/2011
Contributor: Ansley Ansley
Quote:
Originally posted by Elaira
Thank you. I know it's what's best. Even before this, I was contemplating just letting things go with him because it's been going downhill. I told him this during our discussion and he just said "That's your ... more
The answer is in the question, hon. No one would just let someone walk away without some sort of protest if there was an ounce of true love or even a deeply caring relationship. I don't think there is any love here. I'm not even sure he is capable of defining what love is or means to him...just based on the drastic change in personality.

Bi-polarism is not something to tread into lightly and it's definitely not something that can be dealt with in a long distance relationship. You had fun together, chalk it up as that and walk.

(And to be honest, I haven't heard of a single person who has had a real, successful relationship come out of okcupid. I know of one guy who sent a f-off long email to a girl he had just started dating, telling her that their relationship was causing an existential crisis. I mean, really? Your very existence is on the line? Don't think so!)
08/08/2011
Contributor: sexyintexas sexyintexas
If he doesn't know what he wants out of a relationship, I really can't see a good outcome here. Irregardlesss of the things that you may want to explore out of a relationship(s), honesty has to be first and foremost for anyone to be happy. If you are having to constantly wonder what he is doing or thinking then you won't be happy. *hugs*
08/08/2011
Contributor: Jul!a Jul!a
I'm in agreement with everybody else. If he couldn't be honest with you about that, even if he had developed those feelings after you had started seeing each other, what else might he not feel the need to tell you in the future? I know it might not be an easy thing, but I'd leave now before you invest much more into him.

*big hugs*
08/08/2011
Contributor: JessCee JessCee
aw... *hugs*

what was said before about him not telling you, but putting it online. I don't really like that. and then his response to your inquiry was a little off...

I think the other ladies have given wonderful advice/insight and I agree with each of them. I'm still really sorry you have to go through this though
08/08/2011
Contributor: clp clp
Yeah. It sounds like you know your own answer to the question, just aren't ready to accept it. And that is rightly difficult, since you have that emotional investment. Ultimately, though, it sounds like this guy doesn't even know what he wants and would rather wreck what he has with you than to proceed with caution and consideration. Regardless of how great he is or can be, he's not playing fair. And I sadly have to ring in with everyone else... let it go. If he realizes he is wrong, he'll try to fix it. If he lets it go, as well...

Sorry to hear you are in that situation. Best of thoughts for you, doll.
08/08/2011
Contributor: Elaira Elaira
Thanks everyone. That's why I really value this community. People have a genuine care and concern for each other.

I'm still on the fence about going to see him this weekend. I have a feeling it would just make things harder, but then the closure would make my decision easier. I really don't want to be with someone who feels like I'm not enough for them, and that they need to be with other people at the same time to be happy.

And on a sidenote, I think it's a silly idea for him, anyway. He had enough trouble meeting my simple needs and expectations in the first place. He thinks that something like that is all about fun and good times. It's not. It's messy. It takes more work to keep a number of people happy than it does one.

Again, I really thank all of your for your advice. I just needed to hear it from other people before I could really feel confident about it.

And shit, I don't need him. I have boxes full of toys. They don't give me any nonsense.
08/08/2011
Contributor: Ansley Ansley
Quote:
Originally posted by Elaira
Thanks everyone. That's why I really value this community. People have a genuine care and concern for each other.

I'm still on the fence about going to see him this weekend. I have a feeling it would just make things harder, but then ... more
Don't go. Block him from every social network you're friends with him on and block his number from your phone. Keep yourself busy and dig your heels into Eden! Much love and in time you'll forget alll about this. *hugs*
08/08/2011
Contributor: Elaira Elaira
I'm just gonna sit here and watch 500 Days of Summer again.
08/08/2011
Contributor: daveysgirl daveysgirl
I am thinking this sounds strange also, I think maybe you should count your blessings and walk away. The important question is how you feel about him not feeling satisfied with one person? And of course if you do remain in this relationship if you decide to be exclusive then, will he stay that way if one person is not enough? I would seriously think about this, and most likely reconsider the relationship. you are right you got toys you do not need him. I to think you need a hug.*** hugs
08/08/2011
Contributor: Elaira Elaira
The bad thing is that being on here is a little bittersweet. I would always look at things in regards to the two of us. I would order things and I couldn't wait to surprise him with them or show him all of the fun things I'd gotten since I'd last seen him. Sometimes being on here just seems like a little bit of a reminder of that. Now, when I'm thinking of how cool something is, I remember that there's really not much of a use for it right now.

But there's nothing that could happen to make me leave this place. I'm super dedicated. EF gives me something to do with my free time and keeps me pretty busy. So many things on here just make my day.
08/08/2011
Contributor: Ansley Ansley
Quote:
Originally posted by Elaira
The bad thing is that being on here is a little bittersweet. I would always look at things in regards to the two of us. I would order things and I couldn't wait to surprise him with them or show him all of the fun things I'd gotten since ... more
Aww, sweetie! *hugs*
08/09/2011
Contributor: sexyintexas sexyintexas
Just keep in mind that when one door closes there is one more that opens. Prince Charming may be waiting around the corner for you and you don't even know it yet. I hope everything works out for you.
08/09/2011
Contributor: Dear Ruby Dear Ruby
Hope this works out for you! The first part of your post sounds like you were reading my mind - being in love with a bipolar boy can be very, very hard. I had to cut my man lose for the same reasons. He is just so devastatingly charming when he's "on", and a total nightmare when he's "off". After 10 years of riding the roller coaster, I realized that I couldn't see myself still doing it for another 10 years. Still, he considers us together (despite my telling him that no, we're not... but when he smiles at me...) and tells all his dates that ultimately, he will be going back to me.

Open relationships aren't so bad, but maybe full on polyamory is not for you. You said you talked about it, but have you really seriously talked about his exact definitions of polyamory (if he's anything like my ex, he's just found a new word and attached his own definition), and what he sees for his future with you? Keep your eyes on the prize and hear what his ultimate goals are, and if you're cool with those, the details will sweat themselves out. But if you're not, then just cut and run. I wish I had advice on how to do that, but obviously I'm not really the best example there
08/09/2011
Contributor: Airen Wolf Airen Wolf
(EF Review Program Mentor)
*sigh* This is a very snarled problem isn't it? You need more hugs....sooo ~HUGS~

Bi-polar men are so damn attractive and then so damn hard to take when it all changes. One of my guys is mildly bi-polar....in that he isn't "officially" diagnosed though our Dr. knows he should be medicated. He goes from having 5-6 partners to no interest in sex even from me. From obsessive cleaning and organizing to not taking a shower for days. From working 80 hours a week to working only 40 and the spending habits? Abyssmal. Still, he has these moments that make it all worth it. We found a way of dealing with his swings though it takes two of us to fully support both him and ourselves. Our choice to open up our relationship to our ife partner was the best decision we have ever made. What I guess I'm saying is it CAN be worth it to deal with the bi-polar disease but it takes almost super human strength both inside as well as out.

What should you do? I dunno! For me the choice was always to work it out but sometimes in those dark hours of early morning I wonder what I would have been if I hadn't had to deal with his erratic behavior. I wish you great love, strength and clarity of vision. Whatever choice you make will be the best one for you, just have faith in yourself.
08/09/2011
Contributor: El-Jaro El-Jaro
I agree with most of the posters on here. It's still early and you have all these red flags popping up.

Back away slowly and keep looking.

beers and hugs!
08/09/2011
Contributor: Elaira Elaira
Quote:
Originally posted by El-Jaro
I agree with most of the posters on here. It's still early and you have all these red flags popping up.

Back away slowly and keep looking.

beers and hugs!
Beers! Yes!

All of you are so helpful!
08/09/2011
Contributor: aliceinthehole aliceinthehole
so glad you got out of this. on a side note, you seem a very intelligent, pretty girl and any guy with half a brain would be falling over himself to be with you. if this guy doesn't get it, he aint got half a brain.




on the plus side, you're free to do you again. i find the moments i'm single to be the most productive times in my life. cherish them til someone comes along and sweeps you away.
08/09/2011
Contributor: Elaira Elaira
Quote:
Originally posted by aliceinthehole
so glad you got out of this. on a side note, you seem a very intelligent, pretty girl and any guy with half a brain would be falling over himself to be with you. if this guy doesn't get it, he aint got half a brain.




on the plus ... more
aww.

I'm starting to realize how bad this situation is for me. I'll text him or IM him when he's online and he doesn't respond because he's "sleeping" or "playing video games" . . . and I hate that sick feeling I get when that happens, and feeling like he's out with someone else or left wondering who these girls that have sparked his sudden interest are.

I hate how this has caused me so much stress. The more I interact with him, the lower my overall mood gets. It's one thing or another with him. He always wants to do what he wants and never considers my feelings. I'd drive two hours to go see him, spend all my money, and end up sitting there watching him play video games for the entire time I was there. I even asked if we could do simple things like watch a movie together and he'd always refuse. I got one date during our whole relationship, and that was the first time I went down there.

I don't need him. He's done nothing but make me miserable lately.
08/09/2011
Contributor: shySEXXaddict shySEXXaddict
Quote:
Originally posted by Elaira
I'd been seeing someone really seriously since April. We hit it off and had so much fun. We fell madly in love with each other and I had never been happier. About two months into things, things started to change. He's bipolar and became ... more
walk away and count your losses!you might feel that you could be okay with it now but what about down the road?Are you willing to take the chance of being hurt?
08/13/2011
Contributor: Elaira Elaira
I'm giving things a bit of a chance to see where they go, but I don't have hopes that they'll go anywhere at this point. I'm just seeing what happens. I've let go of a lot emotionally. I'm still trying to see what's left and if he's going to make any form of effort.

I'm spending the weekend with him as we speak. Things have been a whole lot better, but I'm making sure I look at it in a wise manner.
08/13/2011
Contributor: Antipova Antipova
Quote:
Originally posted by Elaira
I'm giving things a bit of a chance to see where they go, but I don't have hopes that they'll go anywhere at this point. I'm just seeing what happens. I've let go of a lot emotionally. I'm still trying to see what's left ... more
All the best to you this weekend.

As you're making sure to look at the situation wisely, remember that many people wind up instinctually being on their best behavior, trying to win you back once they know that their comfortable situation (the relationship) is threatened. Enjoy the weekend, but be sure to judge what you'll eventually do by the moving average of his words and actions, not necessarily by the most recent data point.

Hugs
08/13/2011