The New Intimacy

Is this cheating?

Skip to last post
Set alerts
Updates
Forum search
Contributor: Sweet Blue Baby Sweet Blue Baby
Debate with guy friend - he thinks it is just fun, I think he is cheating, what do you think?

Is it cheating if a guy has been with a girl for 3 years but still texts another girl sexual comments - telling her how much he thinks about things they used to do together, wishes they had done more, and fantasizes about doing more sexual things?

Does it matter that this started before his current relationship and has continued all the way to the present?

Does it matter that he is trying to convince his gf to have a threesome so he can fly the other girl out for it?

Do you think she has a right to know? If so, how should she be told?

Examples:
November 2011
HIM - I'd like to blow a hot load in your mouth please

November 2011
HIM - I know I'd like to feel your face against my pelvis with my cock an balls in your throat
OTHER GIRL - I'd like that too. I'd like to feel your hand in my hair, forcing me down on your cock as your other hand pinches my nipples and spanks my tight ass
HIM - I'd like to see you take a big toy while you gag on my dick
OTHER GIRL - That would be fun. You could get me one of the liberator wedges that holds a toy upright and make me ride it while I gag on your cock.
HIM - I am hard
HIM - Haha remember the first time when I took your hand and made you touch it
HIM - :-P that was the best when you got down and unzipped my pants and grabbed it for the first time
OTHER GIRL - Mhmm, and I told you to kiss me as I began stroking it through your clothes...
HIM - Mmmhm
OTHER GIRL- The first time your head touched my lips, the first time you slipped into my mouth and felt my tongue
OTHER GIRL - And then what happened?
HIM- ;-) lots of good stuff heh. Hey did you finish packing yet? I'll be heading up to the office
OTHER GIRL - No almost out of room in the car tho
OTHER GIRL - And does that mean you've cum?
HIM - I did. thank you. Do you have more room in the pod? A friend built shelves out of 2x4 so he could stack more in the pod


June 2012
OTHER GIRL - Why didn't you pick me?
HIM - 01/02:You have already asked this before. And we talked about how we were just a physical thing when that happened. I don't
HIM - 02/02:want you to dwell on that
OTHER GIRL - You know it was never just physical for me. And I've essentially been your mistress ever since...
HIM - I wish I could help you find the right guy. You deserve a good guy to take care of you
OTHER GIRL - I do deserve a good guy to take care of me, but I'm not sure I'll ever have one.
OTHER GIRL - And have you ever really thought about what you deserve? If you were truly happy and in love do you really think you'd talk to and think about other women the way you do?
HIM - 01/02:I have thought about that. And I don't know the answer to it. But that doesn't relate to what we are talking about which is you. You do deserve the right
HIM - 02/02:guy and he will come along. I just know it! How is match.com these days?
OTHER GIRL - Not many that I'm interested in... there is the one new guy but we'll see. Even if we do date he'll prob get tired of waiting for sex after a few weeks and either leave me or cheat
HIM - Lame. Yah that's one thing that's a bunch of bs. You have definitely come across some guys who can't stand to wait and that's not cool
HIM - It's like have some patience dude. That's what porn is for. You're not leading them on though right?
OTHER GIRL - I'm very up front about the fact that I wont have sex unless I'm in love. I will, and do, do everything else but not that. They just seem to think they'll be able to change my mind or make me give in
OTHER GIRL - As for the other thing; maybe you don't belong with me, but I honestly don't think you belong with her. If you did you wouldn't need to answer those questions because no one would have reason to ask them.
HIM - That's a good point!

(He is currently planning to move to a new city, and she is planning to follow him - he won't break up with her or tell her about this girl that he texts frequently, or that he also lusts after other women he sees at work, at the pool, etc. I do not know if he also messages them like this)
06/29/2012
  • Upgrade Your Hands-Free Play!
  • Long-distance pleasure set for couples
  • Save Extra 20% On Love Cushion And Toy Set!
  • Complete strap-on set for extra 15% off
  • Save 50% On Shower Nozzle With Enema Set
  • 1
  • 2
  • 3
  • 4
  • 5
All promotions
Contributor: Ansley Ansley
My answer to this is yes. It's definitely cheating.
06/29/2012
Contributor: Sweet Blue Baby Sweet Blue Baby
Quote:
Originally posted by Ansley
My answer to this is yes. It's definitely cheating.
Would you tell her, and how?
06/29/2012
Contributor: ghent529 ghent529
Thats totally cheating. If he can't be up front with his girlfriend but can be with this girl he texts he need to rethink his situation...
06/29/2012
Contributor: Ansley Ansley
Quote:
Originally posted by Sweet Blue Baby
Would you tell her, and how?
No, I wouldn't tell her. There are some things a person has to learn by themselves, I believe that finding out the cheater is cheating is one of those things that needs to be discovered by the person immediately affected by it. Not by people trying to protect them.

I've tattled on cheaters in the past and it was a big, big mistake. At the end the only thing that they could agree on was how pissed off they were at me for shattering their pretty picture.
06/29/2012
Contributor: ghent529 ghent529
Quote:
Originally posted by Ansley
No, I wouldn't tell her. There are some things a person has to learn by themselves, I believe that finding out the cheater is cheating is one of those things that needs to be discovered by the person immediately affected by it. Not by people ... more
I have to disagree. I think it depends on the people and how good of friends you are...

My gf was in a relationship with a friend of mine before we got together. and she would leave for work and he'd have another girl come over and he'd sleep with her and it was a great big mess. and when she found out that I knew and never told her she was more pissed. we thought that we were all protecting her feelings by not telling her. but becuase we all knew what was going on and she didn't. that hurt her feelings even more. So I think that it just depends on the person
06/29/2012
Contributor: Ansley Ansley
Quote:
Originally posted by ghent529
I have to disagree. I think it depends on the people and how good of friends you are...

My gf was in a relationship with a friend of mine before we got together. and she would leave for work and he'd have another girl come over and ... more
Oh these weren't friends, this was family.
06/29/2012
Contributor: ghent529 ghent529
Quote:
Originally posted by Ansley
Oh these weren't friends, this was family.
sorry to hear that...
06/29/2012
Contributor: Melan!e Melan!e
I think I'm more inclined to agree with stormy. Unless you know the gf will react well to having you interfere with her relationship, then leave it be.

This is definitely cheating though. No two ways about that.
06/29/2012
Contributor: El-Jaro El-Jaro
I don't think it's cheating per se...he's just being a dick. And we all know what Wil Wheaton says...
06/29/2012
Contributor: Noelle Noelle
Quote:
Originally posted by Sweet Blue Baby
Debate with guy friend - he thinks it is just fun, I think he is cheating, what do you think?

Is it cheating if a guy has been with a girl for 3 years but still texts another girl sexual comments - telling her how much he thinks about things ... more
I think its cheating, even if it's not physical anymore. I wouldn't talk to an ex like that, because I have my husband for intimate conversations. Plus I feel it would be disrespectful to my husband, as it would be to me if the shoe was on the other foot.
06/29/2012
Contributor: Sangsara Sangsara
i don't think its cheating but unless she gave him the go ahead then its certainly disrespectful. especially if she asked him not too
06/29/2012
Contributor: Ansley Ansley
Quote:
Originally posted by ghent529
sorry to hear that...
Not nearly as much as I was to be the one on the receiving end of it. We didn't speak for three years because of my innocent interference.
06/29/2012
Contributor: Annemarie Annemarie
My opinion is pretty much this: if you think it's cheating and have to ask, it's probably cheating.
06/29/2012
Contributor: Sweet Blue Baby Sweet Blue Baby
On one hand I understand her not appreciating the interference, but on the other hand she is preparing to move across the country with a guy she thinks is loving, committed, and faithful.

Maybe she does find out on her own soon, or maybe it isn't until after she's relocated and moved away from family and friends, or after they buy a car/condo/house together, or after they get engaged, or married, or have a kid... and then what?

The real problem is that he is my friend, not her. The only reason I haven't already told her is because of my relationship with him, but this isn't healthy for either of them.

If my boyfriend was talking to girls like this behind my back and someone knew but let me move across the country with him, without a warning, I'd be even more devastated when I found out.

In college I was friends with a girl who was cheating on her bf with a guy who lived on the same floor in the dorm with them. Some of us knew, but didn't tell him for various reasons. She was fun, but intimidating, and people didn't want to piss her off. I had fallen in love with him the moment we first spoke and was afraid he'd hate me if I told him, that he wouldn't be able to look at me without thinking about what she'd done. Eventually he found out that the girl who had picked out an apartment with him, and talked about one day marrying him, was having sex with someone else. He was devastated and it messed him up. We dated years later, and I've always felt guilty about not protecting him back then. I loved him completely, but he's never let a relationship get to the moving-in-together stage since, and I wonder what would have happened if he'd found out sooner or some other way.
06/30/2012
Contributor: solitudinarian solitudinarian
I say it's cheating. Not sure whether you should tell her or not... it's a pretty crappy situation to be in. If you tell her and he finds out, he will probably get pretty pissed at you. There's a chance she won't believe you and/or will get pissed at you too.
07/01/2012
Contributor: PropertyOfPotter PropertyOfPotter
Quote:
Originally posted by Ansley
My answer to this is yes. It's definitely cheating.
I agree
07/01/2012
Contributor: shySEXXaddict shySEXXaddict
Quote:
Originally posted by Sweet Blue Baby
Debate with guy friend - he thinks it is just fun, I think he is cheating, what do you think?

Is it cheating if a guy has been with a girl for 3 years but still texts another girl sexual comments - telling her how much he thinks about things ... more
yup..its cheating.Although towards the end there wasnt much reminising..just asking if she found someone,etcetc ,but he openly admited about other woman.I think its normal for a person to daydream or fantasize or check out other people..as long as thats where it stops! I personally dont know how this gf can be told but since Im really guessing that your the one he's been texting these messages too, you are just as guilty for talking to him so its not your place to tell her!
07/01/2012
Contributor: Sweet Blue Baby Sweet Blue Baby
Quote:
Originally posted by shySEXXaddict
yup..its cheating.Although towards the end there wasnt much reminising..just asking if she found someone,etcetc ,but he openly admited about other woman.I think its normal for a person to daydream or fantasize or check out other people..as long as ... more
So if your bf was cheating you wouldn't want to know if the other woman told you? How many other people COULD tell you? Unless he or she are going around telling people about their activities you'll have to hear it from one of them, or catch him, because how often does the cheater just randomly confess? And would hearing it from one of his friends really be better? Or one of yours? Finding out will suck no matter who she hears it from, but everyone deserves to know if their partner is being unfaithful. Especially if you are about to move half way across the country for them.

People tend to confess things to their friends, but not to the other person or to friends of the other person. (i.e. my best friend from college gets the complete play-by-play whenever I go out with a guy, conversation summaries and physical stuff, because I know he'd never tell anyone else and it is nice to get his opinion - and since graduation he doesn't know them because we are in different states, so there is no awkwardness) I've tried talking to some more of his and my mutual friends, but their opinions are split on whether it even is cheating, and I don't know any of her friends.

He clearly won't tell her the truth and claims it is just harmless fun, especially since nothing physical has happened, but now he is trying for pictures and a threesome...

As for the lack of reminiscing in the last thread, that is because I cut it off early. He then goes on to say that they should be happy waiting for sex because they are getting blow jobs and the other girl is great at them.
HIM - You are good at it! What you said about talking to you about sex was a good point
OTHER GIRL - Thanks
OTHER GIRL - And it isn't just that you talk to me about sex. I talked to friends about sex with **** - but that was for advise about what to do with HIM. You talk to me about sex with ME and fantasize about doing stuff with ME. (Caps is not yelling, but I can't bold/underline) when I was with **** I never fantasized about other guys and def didn't talk to any like that. I'd think "he's cute" and that would be the end of it because the thought of anything more with another guy didn't interest me - and that is how it should be. I know our relationship hasn't been good in a long time, but I also know that I truly loved him with all of my heart, and I know how that felt. And I know how it feels to be with someone and still be looking for something better... and that isn't fair to either of you.

Since then I have talked to him and told him "I'm worried about you, and you know why. You should be figuring out where to head next on your own, and she deserves that too" and he just laughs it off and says they aren't splitting up.
07/02/2012
Contributor: thisisadeletedaccount thisisadeletedaccount
If it's something sexual that he is hiding from his girlfriend which would upset her if she knew, then it is definitely cheating.
07/08/2012
Contributor: nova2014 nova2014
This is definitely cheating, at the least in the emotional sense and I think the girlfriend has the right to know. If I were in her shoes I'd definitely want to be told no matter how much it hurt
12/07/2012