The New Intimacy

Is it ok to cheat on a cheater?

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Contributor: PassionQT PassionQT
I had a friend who thought his wife was being a good girl. Turns out she was cheating on him too. It got messy, she gave him a "gift", he remained calm though and never told her about his affairs because he felt that would just make things worse. I haven't talked to either in a while, so I'm not sure what they have become. Last I knew, they were having a baby.

Many issues can be solved by communication and understanding. But often, both sides don't always see things the same, and that's where it can get messy and lead to cheating. I guess people assume that their partner wouldn't understand why they are cheating. Never assume anything about your partner until you talk to them. I would have never considered lifestyle. My husband brought it up several times and I refused because I didn't feel it was right. A few years went by and my curiosity got the best of me said "hey, I'm only living once, it's time to explore and figure out who I am as a sexual being" and there emerged a dominant spirit. Best thing I ever did, but of course, it's not for everyone.
07/27/2010
Contributor: oohlookasquirrel oohlookasquirrel
If you're with someone who is interested in having sex with people outside of the relationship, and you're also interested in having sex with people outside of the relationship, why not have a little chat about opening up the relationship? You can make rules so you're both comfortable with the arrangement. If both people want to have sex with more than one person, it sounds like they're both looking for a non-monogamous lifestyle. It wouldn't be cheating anymore if you both agreed to it ahead of time and everybody had permission to sleep with other people.
07/27/2010
Contributor: Victoria Victoria
I think people need to make their expectations and intentions in their relationships more clear, from the very beginning. If you have lead someone to believe that you are exclusively involved with them, then you should be - and if their behavior is hurtful to you, discuss it. Don't try to punish your partner with some "Let's see how you like it" revenge. That's petty and solves nothing.
07/27/2010
Contributor: Darling Jen Darling Jen
Quote:
Originally posted by Jul!a
The talk show I listen to every morning covers a wide range of topics, and today happened to cover 'is it ok to cheat on a cheater.' There were a couple different takes on it, and my personal opinion is that you shouldn't let yourself ... more
I agree with a lot of the people that already responded. If you don't like cheating and didn't like being cheated on, don't do it - ever. Just break up with them and then you don't have to cheat when you go out looking for someone better.

It's bad enough to have the bad ju-ju following you knowing that you were cheated on. But to lower yourself to doing the very thing that hurt you is just bad karma.
07/27/2010
Contributor: Jul!a Jul!a
Quote:
Originally posted by Darling Jen
I agree with a lot of the people that already responded. If you don't like cheating and didn't like being cheated on, don't do it - ever. Just break up with them and then you don't have to cheat when you go out looking for someone ... more
And when future partners find out that you cheated in the past (and they will because Karma loves to do that stuff) then you've pretty much doomed yourself in that relationship.
07/27/2010
Contributor: Darling Jen Darling Jen
Quote:
Originally posted by Jul!a
And when future partners find out that you cheated in the past (and they will because Karma loves to do that stuff) then you've pretty much doomed yourself in that relationship.
Precisely. It'll follow you like a bad smell and future partners will eventually notice it. And if they don't, it'll eat at you. Just not worth it.
07/27/2010
Contributor: Hopeless Romantic Hopeless Romantic
Quote:
Originally posted by Jul!a
The talk show I listen to every morning covers a wide range of topics, and today happened to cover 'is it ok to cheat on a cheater.' There were a couple different takes on it, and my personal opinion is that you shouldn't let yourself ... more
Everything, good or bad, comes back to you in the end! I think if people are going to cheat then they should just agree to have an open relationship therefore no one gets hurt. If they are not open to that idea then they should just move on with their life instead of cheating, its just imature and people get hurt.

But some people get off on things like cheating so to each their own I guess

I however do not agree that two wrongs make a right.
07/27/2010
Contributor: Jul!a Jul!a
Quote:
Originally posted by Darling Jen
Precisely. It'll follow you like a bad smell and future partners will eventually notice it. And if they don't, it'll eat at you. Just not worth it.
I don't think I could have phrased that any better myself. I certainly wouldn't have been able to come up with the smell reference, it's perfect!
07/27/2010
Contributor: Victoria Victoria
Quote:
Originally posted by Darling Jen
Precisely. It'll follow you like a bad smell and future partners will eventually notice it. And if they don't, it'll eat at you. Just not worth it.
Great point! Internal conflict and guilt stick with you.
07/28/2010
Contributor: Lustful Dreams Lustful Dreams
I don't believe in cheating ... no matter what the consequences.
07/28/2010
Contributor: kck kck
It's my belief that "Communication is the lube of all relationships." Cheating is never okay, especially when done behind someone's back.

If you and your partner talk it out and decide to take a break or invite someone else into your relationship, that's a different story.
07/28/2010
Contributor: Airen Wolf Airen Wolf
(EF Review Program Mentor)
Quote:
Originally posted by Jul!a
The talk show I listen to every morning covers a wide range of topics, and today happened to cover 'is it ok to cheat on a cheater.' There were a couple different takes on it, and my personal opinion is that you shouldn't let yourself ... more
I had that option presented to me by my own husband who felt that it would serve him right and make things "even" between us if I would cheat on him a few times. The thing is I love the idiot...and I knew it couldn't help but hurt him even if he did feel he deserved it. I didn't know the extent of his cheating and to be honest I didn't care, once hurt the same as 100.

We worked through our problems through talking and facing the pain head on. We worked HARD! We came to a place where we could salvage our relationship and we are in a place where we can both be our authentic selves. He finally realized it's not me to cheat, not that I think I'm better because I don't just that I don't. If I can't openly enjoy something then I'm not gonna do it.

The first time I had sex with Arch, Sigel had imagined he would be happy for me, would relish the thought that I was enjoying myself. That he would be able to release his guilt over cheating on me in one fell swoop, he wasn't invited to be there that first time. In reality he felt abandoned, jealous, hurt, betrayed, curious, alone and sad. He felt everything I had described to him that I felt when I found out he was cheating on me...and I wasn't cheating! The worst part for him was that he had set this up, negotiated with Arch about the limits and parameters of the encounter and WANTED to be happy for me!

Now I understand that this particular solution won't work for everyone but the underlying message is: cheating to get even never makes you feel better, never makes you "even" and anything can be worked out.
07/28/2010
Contributor: Darling Jen Darling Jen
Quote:
Originally posted by Airen Wolf
I had that option presented to me by my own husband who felt that it would serve him right and make things "even" between us if I would cheat on him a few times. The thing is I love the idiot...and I knew it couldn't help but hurt him ... more
Beautifully spoken. I'm glad everything worked out for you.
07/28/2010
Contributor: deltalima deltalima
I think it's never a good thing to cheat. But the cheater who is being cheated on might get a taste of his medicine.
08/05/2010
Contributor: Sera Sera
Quote:
Originally posted by Jul!a
The talk show I listen to every morning covers a wide range of topics, and today happened to cover 'is it ok to cheat on a cheater.' There were a couple different takes on it, and my personal opinion is that you shouldn't let yourself ... more
They deserve it right back, but I wouldn't stay very long anyway. They're not worth being with or wasting my time on. Anger kills..
08/07/2010
Contributor: NymphetamineKiss NymphetamineKiss
I can see the logic, in terms of feeling like it evens the playing field, or to "get your own back" - but I emphatically disagree with it. I feel that if it something you couldn't move on from, then it would be best to end the relationship and move on for the sake of all involved parties. If you wanted to continue the relationship, you would have to be willing to move on in heart and mind from the incident.
08/07/2010
Contributor: Jenna.J.Ross Jenna.J.Ross
I would never cheat regardless of if the other person cheated. When it comes down to it will cheating back make you feel any less betrayed? Also it doesn't fix anything it just makes the situation harder. Plain and simple if you cant resolve your relationship by talking and communicating then you probably shouldn't be in that relationship at least that's how I would handle that type of situation.
08/07/2010
Contributor: Trashley Trashley
I don't particularly believe in love, and I used to be a self-employed sex worker. I've cheated on every partner, and I'm not sorry, ashamed, or anything to that degree. If the person I'm in a relationship with isn't getting the sexual satisfaction that he or she needs, I would hope he or she'd get it somewhere else if I was unable to help them.

But I don't know. I'm just weird. :]
09/15/2010
Contributor: mrs.mckrakn mrs.mckrakn
its not ok to cheat. if ur not happy, just breakn it off
09/15/2010
Contributor: Victoria Victoria
Quote:
Originally posted by ScottA
Not to mention that the other party will probably use it as justification for their (prior) behavior.
SO true!
09/15/2010
Contributor: xoflxokcxo xoflxokcxo
I think if you want to save the relationship cheating on the cheater isn't going to make anything better. But honestly I'm not the type of person that has the patience to work through, so I would just dump that person.
03/11/2011
Contributor: Gunsmoke Gunsmoke
I voted 'other' because if it gets to the point where you want sex with someone else - it's over for you as a couple. Also if you're doing it for revenge - it's pretty much over.

My solution would be to resolve the relationship - pro-or-con, then move on. More hurt will not make it better.
03/11/2011
Contributor: NaughtyButterfly NaughtyButterfly
i think cheating is wrong no matter what
03/11/2011
Contributor: 0 0
Ugh, cheating is ALWAYS wrong and disgusting...the old, "if all your friends jumped off a bridge..."
03/11/2011
Contributor: LavenderSkies LavenderSkies
Quote:
Originally posted by Jul!a
The talk show I listen to every morning covers a wide range of topics, and today happened to cover 'is it ok to cheat on a cheater.' There were a couple different takes on it, and my personal opinion is that you shouldn't let yourself ... more
I don't think so..
03/12/2011
Contributor: ichwillwaffels ichwillwaffels
Quote:
Originally posted by Jul!a
The talk show I listen to every morning covers a wide range of topics, and today happened to cover 'is it ok to cheat on a cheater.' There were a couple different takes on it, and my personal opinion is that you shouldn't let yourself ... more
It is never okay to cheat. If they cheated on you then leave them but if they cheated on someone else than maybe they have changed. Either way it isn't okay.
03/12/2011
Contributor: markeagleone markeagleone
Quote:
Originally posted by Jul!a
The talk show I listen to every morning covers a wide range of topics, and today happened to cover 'is it ok to cheat on a cheater.' There were a couple different takes on it, and my personal opinion is that you shouldn't let yourself ... more
It's better not to degrade your own morals, just to get even. It's better to leave a cheater and find someone who deserves you.
03/18/2011
Contributor: beautiful beautiful
cheating is cheating, no matter the situation. definitely not.
03/20/2011
Contributor: Ansley Ansley
Quote:
Originally posted by Airen Wolf
I had that option presented to me by my own husband who felt that it would serve him right and make things "even" between us if I would cheat on him a few times. The thing is I love the idiot...and I knew it couldn't help but hurt him ... more
Excuse my prying, something isn't adding up for me.

If he cheated on you, then how is it you ended up with an additional partner instead of him being with another woman? Or was he cheating on you with guys?
03/21/2011
Contributor: Eden C. Eden C.
Cheating is wrong, therefore cheating to punish is wrong, even if the person totally deserves it. Let the universe take care of the cheater, don't take it into your own hands.

That being said, I have cheated on a cheater before, but it was not right.
03/21/2011