The New Intimacy

Getting Past the Fear

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Contributor: Chilipepper Chilipepper
I never dated in high school or after. I went straight into marriage with only an online courtship. Big mistake, but everyone here knows the story.

So, with the divorce behind me and getting out into the world I'm facing the prospect of dating for the VERY FIRST TIME at the age of 33. On top of that I'm shy and clueless. As a lifelong geek I am used to feeling awkward all the time, but I don't want to scare anyone off with my awkwardness. Not to mention being a size 18 is a deal-breaker for most guys to the point of leaving any area I enter. Nothing more embarrassing than seeing that look of OMG, fat chick on the prowl, ew, I can do better.

Needless to say, I'm scared enough to stay a permanent divorcee for the rest of my life. I feel old, dumpy, unsexy, homey, and unconfident.

How do I feel attractive enough to want to go out and date and experience life as a woman? And not feel that men are disgusted by my mere presence? (Can you tell this happened to me in high school all the time?)
01/14/2011
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Contributor: Illusional Illusional
I really wanna offer you advice, but I have real shitty self esteem and we're the same size.

Try to wear something flowy. I have a lot of off the shoulder tops that cover my arm flab, I have nice clavicles though.
Like babydoll dops, and some jeans.
I get Source of Wisdom from Torrid, something like that.

I did try Tori's suggestion of getting myself something small to make me feel sexy.

I got some new bodywash and I feel great.

And yeah, I got called Gigantor and Amazon in high school.

Guys used to be like GODZILLA and run from me.

I begged my popular cousin to take me to prom so girls would think I was cool.
01/14/2011
Contributor: Illusional Illusional
Don't bring up marriage.
I accidentally talked about a friend getting married and my boyfriend clammed up, lol.

And don't be afraid to laugh or smile.I hate my smile but my boyfriend swears I didn't like him the first few dates
01/14/2011
Contributor: firekitten firekitten
All I can really say is I'm a size 8 and I have the same problem. Except I'm just downright unfriendly and sometimes shut a guy down without meaning to. Wear something you feel pretty in. Sometimes just wearing pretty bra and panties helps.
01/14/2011
Contributor: Alys Alys
I agree with everything that Illusional and firekitten said, and want to add that for me the key confidence booster, besides sexy undies, is a killer pair of heels. I am fairly short, so when I wear heels, I feel that my short little legs got magically longer, and there is something innately sexy about the swagger that wearing heels gives most women (I only get that swagger once I stop tripping over everything ).

And always remember that we'll be here to back you up!
01/14/2011
Contributor: UnknownGirl UnknownGirl
I always hated dating. I mean really, it just sucks. But you have to be positive. You're starting a new era in your life, reinvent yourself. I'm not saying become a different person, but if you feel you have shortcomings, now is a perfect time to work on them. Think of this as a fresh start. Hold your head up high, don't sell yourself short, and go be the person you want to be.
01/15/2011
Contributor: Morganna Morganna
Don't worry about what the men think. Learn to love yourself first. I know you probably hear that a lot but it does wonders. There's bigger women out there who guys find extremely attractive.Be proud of your curves. Love your body. I read something and it helped me out, when you look in the mirror, don't judge yourself, look to see what you like about yourself. Don't leave until you come up with a list of 5 physical features about yourself you like and then do the same for 5 personality features.

Love who you are first, you will radiate confidence, and that draws guys in like a moth to a flame. And you just let them know you are one hot candle, baby and if they mess with you they will get burnt.

P.S. You can fake confidence, too. But most of all, don't let them hear you put yourself down or point out what you think your flaws are.
01/15/2011
Contributor: KnK KnK
Quote:
Originally posted by Morganna
Don't worry about what the men think. Learn to love yourself first. I know you probably hear that a lot but it does wonders. There's bigger women out there who guys find extremely attractive.Be proud of your curves. Love your body. I read ... more
I'll second this. Funny story. I'm a bigger girl myself. My biggest size was 18. I'm now a 16, and I've gone all the way down to a 13 in juniors, but, I've noticed that I only seem to get dates when I am towards the bigger end. I thought it was strange. My roommate told me I was being silly and that I looked better with curves and that I was beautiful the way I was, which I guess means a lot coming from my gay boy because I know he really meant it.

I think the reason that I seem most attractive at a larger size is because that's when I'm happy. I'm not killing myself over how many calories I ate in a day and how much I worked out. I'm not obsessing over how fat I am, but I'm beginning to accept myself the way I am. I'm not as worried about losing weight now as I am getting in shape. My family has a lot of health problems and I don't want to develop those later in life.

Beautiful comes in all shapes and sizes. Love has to come from within before you can find it. I know it sounds like schlock, but I've found it to be true. Begin accepting yourself for who you are.

The media's portrayal of women trains us to hate ourselves for our imperfections and beat ourselves up for that piece of cheesecake we had for desert. I think the best way to find happiness is to be comfortable in your own skin. You don't have to be all the way there to start looking for someone, but accepting yourself is the best start. Learn to love your shortcomings or imperfections. I have huge front teeth and I used to hate the way they look so I would always smile with my mouth closed. I thought my teeth made me look like an idiot. Now when I'm happy, I bear my big buck teeth. I've been told I have a beautiful smile, and I never used to believe it.

Now, you don't have to love everything, but what do you like about yourself? Physically, you must list those traits!!! Do you have killer eyes? Draw attention to them with makeup or the right colored blouse. Also, DO list personality traits that you like about yourself. Like, maybe, I'm good at listening to my friends' problems and giving them helpful advice...or whatever applies to you.

Now after you come up with a list. Look at yourself and smile. Read the list and go over it often, every morning, or several times a day if you have to.

I hope my babbling was helpful somehow. If you ever want someone to talk to, you got a friend here! Much love!!!!
01/15/2011