The New Intimacy

Dating Friends Exes: Is It Ever Okay?

Skip to last post
Set alerts
Updates
Forum search
Contributor: DeliciousSurprise DeliciousSurprise
Is it ever permissible to date someone a close friend has dated or been in a relationship with?

(For answer 5, "A long time ago," references whatever time cutoff you think is appropriate, whether that's six months, a year, a decade.)



Multiple choice so that if you think it's only okay if your friend agrees, they only had a casual relationship and that was 25 years ago, you can pick those answers.
Answers (public voting - your screen name will appear in the results):
No, it is never okay.
virtualmirage , emtangel , padmeamidala , MrRainybowbow , SoloJoe
5
It's okay if you ask you friend and they say it's okay.
LicentiouslyYours , Mr.RightNow , DeliciousSurprise , married with children , ~LaUr3n~ , ZenaidaMacroura , Owl Identified , loveshocks , Emma (Girl With Fire) , *HisMrs* , sophie2229 , darthkitt3n , El-Jaro , potstickers , Queenbee35 , HC , KikiChrome , G.L. Morrison , StephieBoo02 , Michelle Menace , link82 , liilii080 , Taylor , lisa1 , GravyCakes , PiratePrincess , hornypoet69 , Howells , cujo467 , Rossie , Lady Venus , Adriana Ravenlust , SadoMas , Isola , Wonderstruck
35
It's okay if they were dating/in a casual relationship.
DeliciousSurprise , ~LaUr3n~ , ZenaidaMacroura , loveshocks , darthkitt3n , G.L. Morrison , jakjak , PiratePrincess , Rossie , Lady Venus
10
It's okay if they were in a serious/long term relationship.
~LaUr3n~ , ZenaidaMacroura , G.L. Morrison , Lady Venus
4
It's okay if they dated "a long time ago."
Darling Jen , Victoria , LavenderSkies , PussyGalore , DeliciousSurprise , married with children , ~LaUr3n~ , Purplecupcake99 , ZenaidaMacroura , Gunsmoke , Yoda , darthkitt3n , G.L. Morrison , PiratePrincess , Lady Venus , SadoMas
16
It is always okay.
~LaUr3n~ , Xavier7 , ZenaidaMacroura , Adam02viper , G.L. Morrison , Happy Camper , Misfit Momma , Lady Venus , MaryExy , Kdlips , Bethy Cassatt
11
Other/I'm Just Here For The Party/Is That Snuffleupagus?
Darling Jen , PussyGalore , ellejay , DeliciousSurprise , married with children , Kindred , Xavier7 , ZenaidaMacroura , VenusianThunder , pinkcupcakes , darthkitt3n , G.L. Morrison , UnknownGirl , Shellz31 , tickle me pink , kutekatie , Persephone Nightmare , kinksters , Anjulie
19
Total votes: 100 (66 voters)
Poll is closed
02/10/2011
  • Upgrade Your Hands-Free Play!
  • Long-distance pleasure set for couples
  • Save Extra 20% On Love Cushion And Toy Set!
  • Complete strap-on set for extra 15% off
  • Save 50% On Shower Nozzle With Enema Set
  • 1
  • 2
  • 3
  • 4
  • 5
All promotions
Contributor: Naughty Student Naughty Student
It has never happenned to me where I have epxerienced this kind of situation where I openly dated and hung around with an ex's friend, however one of my ex's friends was a FWB for a while. My ex was really hurt by that, but I don't feel any remorse for my actions.

However, I think that if I left my boyfriend and just started dating one of his friends seriously and would hang out with the group, it would just be really weird and inappropriate.
02/10/2011
Contributor: Darling Jen Darling Jen
I wanted to say never, because that's where I jump to first. But if it was a hellova long time ago, like grade school, and was barely a real relationship it might be ok. Or if your friend really doesn't care. But I'm of the opinion that just because a friend might say "it's ok", it doesn't mean it is. So... mostly no, never. But some exceptions to the rule.
02/10/2011
Contributor: Victoria Victoria
It, to me, really depends on the friend and on the situation.
02/10/2011
Contributor: LavenderSkies LavenderSkies
Quote:
Originally posted by DeliciousSurprise
Is it ever permissible to date someone a close friend has dated or been in a relationship with?

(For answer 5, "A long time ago," references whatever time cutoff you think is appropriate, whether that's six months, a year, a ... more
I think if the friend gives the green light, it's absolutely fine.
02/10/2011
Contributor: Lucidity Lucidity
I think it's really dependent on you, the friend, the relationship you two have, the relationship the friend had/has with the ex and everything in between. I think this is definitely a case-by-case thing.
02/10/2011
Contributor: LicentiouslyYours LicentiouslyYours
Quote:
Originally posted by Victoria
It, to me, really depends on the friend and on the situation.
I agree. You talk to the friend and get an idea of how they feel about it and go from there.
02/10/2011
Contributor: Mr.RightNow Mr.RightNow
depends
02/10/2011
Contributor: ~LaUr3n~ ~LaUr3n~
It is okay if it was casual or long term...only if the friend is okay with it. If you go behind someones back, I consider that super low and shitty.

Not in a while, but I have dated friend's ex boyfriends (from H.S). There was always at least a year in between their relationship and mine. I think this occurred twice.

I have never had a friend date an ex of mine after I dated them.
02/10/2011
Contributor: VenusianThunder VenusianThunder
I think it is okay for either casual or long term, if it is okay with the friend. But, I would also take in consideration the reason they broke up too...
02/10/2011
Contributor: El-Jaro El-Jaro
You gotta ask your friend first. Chances are better that the friendship will last longer than the relationship and you wouldn't want to lose both at the same time.

Even if the person was a friend's one night stand, I'd still ask.
02/11/2011
Contributor: potstickers potstickers
I think if everyone involved is okay with it, why not?
02/11/2011
Contributor: Adam02viper Adam02viper
I think its okay cause if they broke up it wasnt working for them so if you think it could work between you and your friends ex then why not give it a try just dont try and hide the relationship from your friend make sure your friend knows that you dating their ex
02/12/2011
Contributor: KikiChrome KikiChrome
Quote:
Originally posted by Darling Jen
I wanted to say never, because that's where I jump to first. But if it was a hellova long time ago, like grade school, and was barely a real relationship it might be ok. Or if your friend really doesn't care. But I'm of the opinion that ... more
Yeah, my first reaction is "never" too (but mostly because I can't imagine a situation where I'd ever want to do this, or want my friends to do this). And even when asking permission, people may lie and say "sure" just to sound polite...

But never say never, right? Judge each case on its merits.

FWIW, I had an friend who married my ex-boyfriend, so that's probably why I'm not super-cool with it as a whole concept. None of my past boyfriends had ever dated my friends previously, nor did they know one another - because I even find dating a friend of my ex quite an uncomfortable idea.
02/12/2011
Contributor: Liz2 Liz2
Hard to say....depends on the people involved, how traumatic was the breakup? How often would you actually see your friend? How close is your friend?
Being honest about the relationship is a plus and necessary and not have an attitude that, I "now have him"!
I think there will always be fallout, no matter what!
02/12/2011
Contributor: G.L. Morrison G.L. Morrison
It can be tricky and has a potential to end not well but as a rabid polyamorist I date my friends' current lovers so dating their exes is a no brainer.

The trickier problem for me is whether to remain friends/lovers with someone who has wronged a friend. Ending a relationship, even ending it poorly, is regrettable but "feeling badly" is not the same as being injured, manipulated, or harmed physically, financially or emotionally.
02/12/2011
Contributor: UnknownGirl UnknownGirl
It depends on the people and situation. I'd personally never want to do that, but I'd be ok if one of my friends wanted to date one of my exs.
02/18/2011
Contributor: Happy Camper Happy Camper
Quote:
Originally posted by Liz2
Hard to say....depends on the people involved, how traumatic was the breakup? How often would you actually see your friend? How close is your friend?
Being honest about the relationship is a plus and necessary and not have an attitude that, I ... more
This mostly.

I say it's always okay unless there were really special circumstances in the break up. I can't even necessarily think of what they would be but I would assume that if they did something utterly terrible then you wouldn't be interested in dating them anyways.

I'm not sure the friends consent really matters. I mean if it's a best friend and the relationship was volatile and they're still heartbroken, then it's good to consider their feelings. But I've definitely treaded on ground where I broke serious girl code that I didn't even consider relevant or existent. I think it's natural for friends to date within their group of friends and if a couple breaks up, it's natural to move on and very likely on to a mutual friend. I have trouble finding good candidates as it is. Unless there is a really really obvious reason that goes beyond girl code, these things don't factor into my dating decisions. Then again most of my friends are in the kink and or poly community and that community is small.
02/19/2011
Contributor: Shellz31 Shellz31
Personally, I wouldn't be interested in a friends ex.
And I always seem to have different taste to people I know.
03/26/2011
Contributor: tickle me pink tickle me pink
I'm just going to go with "other" on this one because it's a really tricky question that's pretty dependent on the situation. It's never happened to me but I never would since it could ruin the friendship, especially if the relationship ended badly.
03/26/2011
Contributor: liilii080 liilii080
If your friend is ok with it and it's been a few years, why not. But, you have to be sure your friends really IS ok with it and if you suspect they aren't being honest, don't risk the friendship.
03/26/2011
Contributor: GravyCakes GravyCakes
Quote:
Originally posted by DeliciousSurprise
Is it ever permissible to date someone a close friend has dated or been in a relationship with?

(For answer 5, "A long time ago," references whatever time cutoff you think is appropriate, whether that's six months, a year, a ... more
i feel like friends w/ benefits is a bad idea in general unless u talk about it before hand. i was like this w/ a friend that i casually dated at the end of high school, & i ended up getting hurt. i did it about 2 or 3 yrs later w/ an x, & it ended up working out & we got back together & have been that way since. if someone has feelings, it's probably a bad idea.
05/03/2011
Contributor: PiratePrincess PiratePrincess
It all depends on the situation and how serious the friend was about the guy and how their relationship ended. It's not okay in all situations, but in some, it can work out.
05/03/2011
Contributor: MrRainybowbow MrRainybowbow
I dont think its ever ok in any situation. Ether they loved them alot or they hate them alot now and in ether case its a no no
05/03/2011
Contributor: Kdlips Kdlips
it depends if your no longer go for it
05/11/2011
Contributor: Anjulie Anjulie
I think if they only went out a few times a long time ago and are ok with it, then it is ok. But personally, i wouldnt be comfortable if they seriously dated over a long period of time.
05/11/2011
Contributor: SadoMas SadoMas
it may or may not me ok..if your close friends it would be wise to find out if they arnt holding any old feelings and dont care for real
10/02/2012
Contributor: CaliGirl CaliGirl
No, Never.
10/12/2012
Contributor: Wonderstruck Wonderstruck
It's not something I would do or want a friend to do, but if everyone is okay with it.
10/12/2012
Contributor: SoloJoe SoloJoe
no never
10/12/2012