The New Intimacy

Closing the deal

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Contributor: Essin' Em Essin' Em
Alright folks, I'm asking for help.

I know, I'm usually the answerer, but I need some help.

How the heck do you "close the deal?" I have no problem talking to people when I go out. We'll dance and chat and dance for a couple of hours, and sometimes, I'll even give them a ride home (this has happened more often than you'd think), and all I get is a "I had a blast, have a great night."

Seriously, wtf? What am I doing wrong that I can't get, at the very least, a hot make out session in the club/bar/bookstore, or on the curb in front of their place?

How do you suggest I (keep in mind I'm queer, so nothing about directing the blood flow to his other head) work on closing the deal?
06/11/2008
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Contributor: Happy Camper Happy Camper
Well...I'm on the younger side and I don't know the kind of girls you've asked out so far. But I know I would expect three dates before anything happened. There are exceptions and some would take longer and if the timing is right something might happen sooner. But I like to have a few hangout dates before anything gets more physical. Some of us just like to move slower like that.

Might not be helpful. Hope it is.
06/11/2008
Contributor: Essin' Em Essin' Em
Quote:
Originally posted by Happy Camper
Well...I'm on the younger side and I don't know the kind of girls you've asked out so far. But I know I would expect three dates before anything happened. There are exceptions and some would take longer and if the timing is right ... more
Ok, so you make a good point, although really, when you pick someone up at a club, it's much more likely to be a one night thing.

But I can't even get the "Hey, let's hang out again, here's my number." I'm at a total loss....
06/11/2008
Contributor: Oggins Oggins
I guess it could be possible they are wondering the same thing you are. Have you offered your number and said "Hey, here's my number. let's hang out again."? Maybe they aren't the "first" move type. Or, maybe they felt like since you drove it was your move? Life is short, what have you got to lose? Jump in there Essin' Em!
06/12/2008
Contributor: Adriana Ravenlust Adriana Ravenlust
Agree with above. They may be waiting on you. You may be picking up the type of person who isn't direct or assertive. Although, if this happens frequently, that may not be the case as much unless you're zoning in on the same type of person without realizing it.
It makes me think the issue lies with 'you.' Maybe you're giving out a vibe without realizing it. Somehow you're putting out that you're friendly, open for a good chat and a few drinks and trustworthy enough to give someone a ride home but maybe you're just not seeming like you want to snog or fuck.

Is it possible to have a friend tag along, at a distance, and observe you? It would be easier for someone who is actually there to pinpoint the issue.

Of course, you could always resort to getting smashed off your ass drunk so people think you're easy. I kid, of course.
06/12/2008
Contributor: Essin' Em Essin' Em
Hmmm. Interesting thoughts. I'm not so much of first move (number/sex wise) type of person either, so I either need to figure out if I'm giving off the "nice" vibe, or go for more aggressive people.

Yeah, drunk doesn't do it for me. I don't hook up with people if I've been drinking; I'm easy sober
06/12/2008
Contributor: Oggins Oggins
HA! I'm easy drunk or sober but, I wouldn't suggest someone who is "too" aggresive like, giving you a lap dance before you even know their name! Well, unless you just want a nice "romp" and that's all. Relationship wise, I'd look for someone a little more calm but, not afraid to say, "Hey, I think you're hot!" I'm probably making no sense whatsoever so, sorry if I'm only adding to your confusion. When the right one comes along, you'll know and good things are always worth waiting for!
06/12/2008
Contributor: Cock Wrangler Cock Wrangler
There might be something to this issue of the vibe you give off and what types of people you attract or seek out... if you set the stage by being the one doing the pursuing, more often than not whoever's on the other end of that will expect it to continue that way. If you want to find people who are more assertive/will take the next moves, I think figuring out some way to put yourself there without being the only assertive one in the interaction might help.
06/13/2008
Contributor: Essin' Em Essin' Em
Have I mentioned that I hate being human?

So basically, if I want to pursue someone, I have to do it aggressively, and 100%, and continue to do so to seal the deal, even if I'm not comfortable.

And if I'd rather be more passive, I can't make any moves, because then I'm the aggressor, and therefore have to sit and wait for someone to approach me in order to possibly get laid.

I think I'll stick with my Hitachi and Best Lesbian Bondage Erotica. It hurts my head less.
06/14/2008
Contributor: Nashville Nashville
Quote:
Originally posted by Essin' Em
Have I mentioned that I hate being human?So basically, if I want to pursue someone, I have to do it aggressively, and 100%, and continue to do so to seal the deal, even if I'm not comfortable.And if I'd rather be more passive, I can't ... more
You don't have to be aggressive, Em, it wouldn't hurt but you certainly don't have to be. If you routinely get shot down, try a subtle approach that lets people know you're interested. Openly flirt, compliment them, rub your breasts against them if you're shifting in your chair or trying to inspect a beautiful necklace, earrings, or bracelet they're wearing. In your car as you drive them home, graze your hand against their thigh (even put cd's under their seat that you're reaching for so you have an excuse if you want one).. sometimes though, no matter how we give off the vibe that we want someone they still don't get it. You can try other things like when you're dancing, put your hands on her body firmly, or if you're talking brush her hair out of her face with your hand. Give her every opportunity to kiss you, get as close as you can while still feeling comfortable. I always kept myself from giving the 'friend' or 'let's hang out like we're pals vibe' because it wasn't what I wanted. You need to do whatever it takes to people know what exactly it is you're interested in.
06/14/2008
Contributor: West Coastin' West Coastin'
Use your schtick to get the conversation going. Having reviewed a massive collection toys - why not say, "Hey, I was wondering if I could get your opinion on something and then ask their opinion about one of your toys or one you have yet to review. Maybe it would lead to, "Interested in trying something out?" But what do I know, I'm a straight, married guy.
07/27/2008
Contributor: seaofneptune seaofneptune
Quote:
Originally posted by Essin' Em
Have I mentioned that I hate being human?So basically, if I want to pursue someone, I have to do it aggressively, and 100%, and continue to do so to seal the deal, even if I'm not comfortable.And if I'd rather be more passive, I can't ... more
It might be easier for you to make the first move than you think. I've never been the first move kind of person - but when I first met my boyfriend, there was something about him and I have had no trouble at all. I ended up giving him my number without even thinking about it, I was just like "Hey, let me give you my number so we can go out to lunch sometime!" and that was it.

They might even like that they are being persued! I think that helped in the case of my boyfriend, he was being persued instead of him doing the persuing.
01/07/2010
Contributor: Yesenia Yesenia
I would make the first move if I liked you. If you don't put yourself out there its never going to happen good luck
08/25/2010
Contributor: CaliGirl CaliGirl
Quote:
Originally posted by Essin' Em
Alright folks, I'm asking for help.I know, I'm usually the answerer, but I need some help.How the heck do you "close the deal?" I have no problem talking to people when I go out. We'll dance and chat and dance for a couple of ... more
Just take control of the situation. go for what you want.
06/25/2012