Would You Be Offended? Has this happened to you?

Set alerts

Updates

Andromeda

So I was at dinner today, trying to get dessert actually. The desserts are housed in these clear cabinet-type things, where you have to lift the lid and hold it open while you get whatever you need. Now, when you're trying to serve something that, you know, requires two hands to get, this can be a problem.

I was awkwardly trying to serve myself a piece of pie when a guy came up and held the door-thing open for me. However, when I tried to return the favor, he seemed to get REALLY offended. I was, subsequently, really confused.

One of my friends commented on the situation by mentioning that she has guy friends who will get offended if a girl tries to pay for her own movie ticket, even if they aren't dating, and will get really offended if she offers to pay for his as well. Obviously the gender roles can be reversed.

I guess my question is... if you do a favor for someone, do you ever get offended when they try to return the favor? Has this ever happened to you? Is this some weird social convention that I'm not aware of?

Answers (public voting - your screen name will appear in the results):

I'm a woman and...

Darling Jen , Pleasure Piratess , Alicia , Miss Cinnamon , Persephone Nightmare , Selective Sensualist , Tuesday , Lady Venus , Kayla , Trashley , Airen Wolf , LikeSunshineDust , Envy , Chilipepper , Not here , P'Gell , VieuxCarre , Jenniae09 , kck , sexysweetieshan , Love Buzz , Liz2 , SydVicious , Hot'n'Bothered , DeliciousSurprise , buzzvibe , Destri , Owl Identified , Alegria , Jul!a , Apinkjellybean04 , Sammi , Lavender*Moon , twistedheartsx , ~LaUr3n~ , Hannah Savage , LittleBoPeep , Dusk , ZenaidaMacroura , Naughty Student , softcoeur , mllebeauty , Sapphire Pet , Adriana Ravenlust , ToyGeek , nolongerhere , GeekWife , darthkitt3n , sarki , Ansley , brainyspecs , null , Sohotdinosaur , JessCee , potstickers , Noelle , bratcat , LavenderSkies

I'm a man and...

Viktor Vysheslav Malkin , Gunsmoke , ToyTimeTim , Kindred , paralax , Sir , Riccio , Sidewinder , Gary , The Nakanas , ScottA , dv8 , Lio , angel142stx , Errant Venture , averageguyextrodinarypleasure , Lummox

I would be offended.

I wouldn't be offended.

Darling Jen , Pleasure Piratess , Alicia , Viktor Vysheslav Malkin , Miss Cinnamon , Persephone Nightmare , Selective Sensualist , Tuesday , Lady Venus , Kayla , iceman681 , Avant-garde , Kindred , LikeSunshineDust , Envy , Chilipepper , paralax , Sir , Not here , P'Gell , VieuxCarre , Jenniae09 , Riccio , kck , sexysweetieshan , PassionQT , Liz2 , SydVicious , Hot'n'Bothered , YvetteJeannine , DeliciousSurprise , Destri , Gary , Owl Identified , Alegria , Jul!a , Sammi , Lavender*Moon , twistedheartsx , ~LaUr3n~ , Hannah Savage , Dusk , The Nakanas , ZenaidaMacroura , Naughty Student , Shellz31 , softcoeur , mllebeauty , ScottA , Sapphire Pet , Adriana Ravenlust , ToyGeek , nolongerhere , GeekWife , dv8 , darthkitt3n , Lio , angel142stx , sarki , averageguyextrodinarypleasure , brainyspecs , null , Sohotdinosaur , potstickers , Noelle , bratcat , Lummox , LavenderSkies

Depends on the situation.

Sir , Sidewinder , Love Buzz , Liz2 , tits only , Lio , Errant Venture , Ansley , JessCee

I have had this happen to me.

Darling Jen , Trashley , Chilipepper , Jenniae09 , YvetteJeannine , Owl Identified , Alegria , Lavender*Moon , tits only , Sapphire Pet , Lio , brainyspecs , null

I haven't had this happen to me.

Pleasure Piratess , Alicia , Gunsmoke , ToyTimeTim , Miss Cinnamon , Selective Sensualist , Lady Venus , Kayla , Airen Wolf , Kindred , LikeSunshineDust , Envy , paralax , Not here , P'Gell , VieuxCarre , kck , sexysweetieshan , Love Buzz , SydVicious , DeliciousSurprise , Destri , twistedheartsx , ~LaUr3n~ , Hannah Savage , LittleBoPeep , Dusk , ZenaidaMacroura , Naughty Student , softcoeur , mllebeauty , Adriana Ravenlust , nolongerhere , GeekWife , darthkitt3n , angel142stx , Ansley , Halfthere , Sohotdinosaur , Noelle , bratcat , LavenderSkies

Other (explain).

Sir , buzzvibe

Total votes: 209 (82 voters)

Poll is closed

09/18/2010

All promotions

Darling Jen

It's a macho thing, unfortunately. Not only do most men feel offended when anyone implies they need help but it's even more insulting when a lowly woman offers her assistance. Now times are a-changing and more men are becoming less chauvanistic and macho-obsessed than they used to be. Guys just need to relax and stop being worried about keeping up this tough, untouchable presentation.

09/18/2010

Alicia

I haven't had a man seem offended by me returning the favor but I have had some seem sheepish about it or try to insist on me not. Thing is I have girl friends who are the same way so I guess at least in my experience I haven't really noticed it being a "guy thing".

09/18/2010

Viktor Vysheslav Malkin

wow... no ofense, but I think your friend's guy friends need to chill out as to the offended guy in your story haha...

09/18/2010

Miss Cinnamon

How odd! I haven't ever had that happen to me. People usually just say "thank you" or say nothing and we get on with our day. While I've heard of some women being snippy with men who hold doors open for them (not me--I like it when anyone holds the door open for me; it's nice!), the reverse is something totally new to me.

09/18/2010

Trashley

Quote:

Originally posted by Darling Jen

Agreed. I've had this sort of thing happen, but the guy wasn't OFFENDED, persay. More like a little scoffed that he wasn't getting the upper hand. The "upper hand" shouldn't come by way of having more money anyway, I think. But thankfully, none of the guys who've done this to me were rude about it. They just laughed it off and said I was being silly.

09/19/2010

Avant-garde

If someone returned a favor male or female I wouldn't be offended.

09/19/2010

Airen Wolf

(EF Review Program Mentor)

Quote:

Originally posted by Andromeda

I can't imagine a mad getting pissed about you returning a favor for him unless he had a self esteem issue and needed to be the 'macho' idiot. OR he was holding it open for you to hurry you up and that was his passive agressive way of handling the situation. A confident man would have graciously accepted the gesture and moved on.
Now my guys do get miffed if they aren't allowed to open doors, pay for EVERYTHING, or I won't let them carry things for me. They see it as a way of letting me know how much they love me.

09/19/2010

LikeSunshineDust

Yea it sounds to me like a case of macho ego. He's obviously too manly to be helped out by a woman.

09/19/2010

Chilipepper

I help out both genders - guys are okay with it, women seem to get weirded out by it. 'No, I'm not a lez trying to be nice to you to get into your panties, my Mother just raised me to be polite. You insecure bitch.'

09/19/2010

Sir

The only time that I get offended is when a person does it for me and he gives me a big grin or looks at me in a weird way. Aside from that, I am thankful for it - I'll thank the person and move on, you know?

09/19/2010

P'Gell

I've had men open doors for me. I am always polite and gracious. I have opened the door for men and women alike. Older men, men my own age, men who are carrying things, older women, women who are carrying things, pregnant women, women who have strollers or babies. Or simply if I get to the door first. I have never had anyone act offended by my opening a door for them, or for helping them in any way.

Sometimes older men seem surprised that I am kind and gracious when they open doors for me. I've seen older men almost flinch when I look at them (when I am about to smile and thank them) maybe thinking I'm going to accuse them of being "paternalistic" or something. I would NEVER do that. People are only trying to be kind. In fact, I LIKE it when people open doors for me. Particularly men.

My guess is this is more that this guy had an issue than a gender thing.

09/19/2010

Jenniae09

I always try to be nice for everyone by holding the door for whoever is behind me if they're a few feet behind regardless of sex. Or if someone drops something I always help them pick it up (if my hands aren't full) or offer a hand.
If I leave the door open for a guy he goes to hold it for himself usually and if I try to help pick something up they say they aren't weak and quickly get everything they can. I do not do it trying to be dominant or anything I just do it thinking it's nice to help someone else out.

09/19/2010

Riccio

Where I live, helping someone else in that way is simply good manners. Courteous people hold the serving plates for each other at table and offer seats to older men and women on public transportation, without worrying about gender.

09/19/2010

Hot'n'Bothered

I wouldn't be offended. But I know some men who do get offended if a woman tries to help out in such a way.

In the beginning of our relationship (ok not very beginning) I would hold doors open for DH as well. You know going into a restaurant and they have two sets of doors, he'd hold the first set open and then I'd hold the second set. Just seems more logical to me than waiting there 'ok hurry up and open the next set of doors for me'..it took a while before he accepted this..even now and then he'll still get slightly huffy and tell me he'll get it..

09/20/2010

YvetteJeannine

Quote:

Originally posted by Andromeda

So, you said that he "seemed" to get really offended..Which, begs the question; what did this guy do make you believe he was offended? Did he look at you strangely, say something, maybe? I'm just really curious as to what he did...and then (if I may ask), did *you* do/say anything in return?

Yes..that is indeed strange Even if he WAS offended, it would have been more socially graceful for him to just smile and say "thanks..I'm all set"!

09/20/2010

YvetteJeannine

Quote:

Originally posted by Airen Wolf

"OR he was holding it open for you to hurry you up and that was his passive aggressive way of handling the situation."

WOW! That's a really good thought! I didn't think of this, and perhaps that is indeed what the situation was..Smart thinkin', Airen!

09/20/2010

Airen Wolf

(EF Review Program Mentor)

Quote:

Originally posted by Chilipepper

LOL You GO girl! That's stupid anyway...we women have always stuck together and helped each other out, I'd add "Get over yourself!"

09/20/2010

buzzvibe

If I see somebody struggling, I have no problem jumping in to help them, but I hate it when people help me, even when I need it.

09/20/2010

Andromeda

Quote:

Originally posted by YvetteJeannine

He had a very haughty expression on his face and had an annoyed tone of voice when he told me "No thanks, I'm fine..."

09/20/2010

Owl Identified

I'm not offended if someone opens a door for me if I clearly need the door opened (I'm carrying something, for example) or the person happens to be directly ahead of me and is already opening the door. I do honestly get pissed when men go out of their way to hold the door open for me. Like, thanks bro, but I'm not a toddler, I can open the freaking door on my own. If you want to be a hero why don't you go pay my student loans or handle something that's actually difficult for me.

Like I said, if it's just a dude that happens to be in front of me and is already getting the door for himself and just holds it open a few seconds longer for me, I always say thank you and am appreciative. The whole weaker sex chivalry shit doesn't fly with me, though.

Re: men being pissed when women hold the door, holy crap I see this all the time. If a guy is a few steps behind me I hold the door, or if he's got something in his hands, I'll get the door. Usually if I hold the door for a man they make it a point to reach out and hold it for themselves. Cute little double standard, that. And I don't use the word "usually" to be hyperbolic; I actually mean like 7/10 (unscientific estimate) times I hold a door for a man he'll reach out to hold it for himself and do not acknowledge me. The other 3/10 just realize I'm trying to be courteous and would do the same for anyone else.

09/20/2010

lamira

That seems strange. I would not get offended if someone did the same thing I did to them. It's just common courtesy.

10/15/2010

Shellz31

Strange dude! I've never had a guy or anyone have an issue when I have done something to help .. holding a door open etc. They have always seemed grateful.

10/16/2010

mllebeauty

That is a bit weird. I've had men not allow me to do something for them such as hold open a door, but never get offended.

10/16/2010

ScottA

Odd - historically men generally had (in many western countries anyway) some species of obligation to help women that the women did not have to return, but if they did help I hadn't heard there was any besmirching of the man's honor.

Naturally there are different ways to do it, you can definitely help in a manner which clearly communicates that you don't feel the other person is able to do a simple task, but I don't think that's the issue here.

10/16/2010

Illusional

Quote:

Originally posted by Chilipepper

Oooh that bugs me. I helped a girl with her jacket and she was all flustered and was like "Thank you, my HUSBAND is away at work. But thanks.." and then she makes sure to avoided even almost touching shoulders with me.

10/21/2010

Errant Venture

If it was something like that, where I'd actually need help, I wouldn't be offended. Other things, though, like the paying, I'd be slightly offended, but I keep my mouth shut.

08/12/2011

sarki

I am not offended at all

08/12/2011

Booktease

Quote:

Originally posted by Andromeda

I would be really bothered if someone got pissed at me for being nice. Its that simple. I hate the gender stereotypes about who can do what and for whom. Its ridiculous.

08/12/2011

averageguyextrodinarypleasure

A good remedy for that is punch him in the balls as hard as you can and ask if he would like some help getting to the hospital

08/12/2011

Total posts: 34 Unique posters: 30

Make a post