The New Intimacy

What Would You Have Done?

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Contributor: Alan & Michele Alan & Michele
Alan & I just got through dealing with a really odd situation, and I couldn't help but wonder how some of you might have handled it. We've been friends with another couple for a little over a year now. Not close friends, but enough to keep in touch and get together now and again. They have two children, boys ages 8 and 10.

Last night they dropped in unexpectedly and told us that they've decided that it's time for the 10-year-old to have "the talk". And they wanted us to do it. Not because we're close to the kid (we're not) but because, and I'm quoting the mom here: "You write about sex stuff all the time so we thought it would be easier for you." I was sitting there trying to decide whether to be flattered or offended and finally decided on irritated as the discussion wore on. Alan tried to point out that it would be better if they did it themselves so they would have that open line of communication going with the boy, which we know from raising our own child is even more invaluable as they get older. The dad said he didn't know what to tell him. So then Alan & I both started giving them ideas on how to start the conversation and on what they might want to discuss. It was like they weren't even listening (well the mom was... a little). The dad just kept saying "We'd rather if you two did it."

Well that was it, wasn't it? They would RATHER have another couple do something that's their responsibility as parents. And never mind if the couple isn't even all that close to the kid 'cause it's ok since they write about "sex stuff". Oh boy. But I decided that my pessimism might be making the situation worse in my mind than it really was, so I asked if they would be willing to sit in on the conversation IF we agreed to do it. Honestly that's the only way I would have been comfortable talking about genatalia & contraception with a minor... with the parents present. They said they'd rather not.

After a silent round of eye signals between us, Alan told them we'd be happy to help them if they decided to proceed, but we wouldn't do it for them. And they were furious. As in slam the door on the way out furious saying things like "We thought you were our friends."

So what do you all think? Would you have done it? I feel sorry for the kid and Alan & I know he should be told *something* at his age, but the whole situation just seemed inappropriate in the way it was presented to us. Potential legal issues aside, can you imagine how uncomfortable the boy would have been hearing things like that from people he didn't know very well? Without his mom or dad around?
10/07/2011
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Contributor: Kindred Kindred
Quote:
Originally posted by Alan & Michele
Alan & I just got through dealing with a really odd situation, and I couldn't help but wonder how some of you might have handled it. We've been friends with another couple for a little over a year now. Not close friends, but enough to ... more
I would simply have told them that it is completely inappropriate for someone other than a parent, healthcare professional, or sex/health educator to discuss such things with a minor. I would also remind them that it is their responsibility as parents to address the situation with one of the above options. I don't think any parent enjoys discussing sex and sexuality with their child, but it is their responsibility. I think you did the right thing in offering to help them have the conversation, even offering to be present (which is more than I would have offered). I think I would have also stressed that although you may be a sex toy reviewer, that does not make you qualified to have a discussion with a minor.

If you do consider them to be friends, you could try to approach them again and discuss how you understand that they are angry and disappointed, but the ultimately it would be wrong for you to ave the talk with their child. Additionally, you could try to offer some resources to help them with it. Good luck.
10/07/2011
Contributor: unfulfilled unfulfilled
Wow, I wouldn't even imagine asking another couple to give my kids the talk regardless of what they did in their free time. It is our responsbilities as parents to educate our children. You did the right thing.
10/07/2011
Contributor: Ansley Ansley
Wow, I feel for that kid. I wouldn't have agreed to it, even if they were there. Whenever my parents enlisted another adult to help "discuss" something with me, I was ten times more embarrassed and ashamed than if it had been a private conversation with just us. I always felt like I was on the chopping block and it didn't matter what the subject was, and they did this a lot...so that being said, I would have let them throw their tantrum and then dared them to ask an objective third party about the situation. It's hard to imagine that someone would have the balls to ask you to do such a thing and not have the same cojones to educate their child on their own.
10/07/2011
Contributor: BBW Talks Toys BBW Talks Toys
I think you did the right thing by not agreeing to do it. I also agree with Kindred and say that you were a lot more gracious and generous to offer to be there than I would have been.

Do I like asking my daughter every few weeks if she knows what to do if someone were to touch her inappropriately, and has it happened? No. Is it part of my responsibility since she is at a public school and on a bus for the majority of her time? Yes. Do I like explaining where babies come from to her? No. Do I do it? Yes. (with all the appropriate terminology and have to control myself from laughing when she giggles every time I say "penis" and "vagina.") Mr is more uncomfortable with it than I am, but yeah... that's a whole 'nother subject altogether!

It's what we do. We're parents. If I don't want her to believe everything her friends say or look up information beyond her age-level on the internet, then I have to be the one to have these discussions with her.

She is 6.
10/07/2011
Contributor: Nora Nora
I think you handled it better than I would have! I don't think I would have allowed an entire conversation after being asked! It is their responsibility, and since they are parents, they obviously know how to have sex...they can be the ones to teach the product of it about it as well!

It is also extremely inappropriate for them to ask you for anything more than advice on how to go about it, you did mention you also had kids and had had the conversation with them (or that's how I read it anyway). You probably have great advice to give!
10/07/2011
Contributor: Redboxbaby Redboxbaby
You did the right thing. If it were us though, we would not entertain the idea with or without them there. I think it would be great if they came to you for advice on how to approach the subject with their child, but to do the advising for them...that is unacceptable.

Onto the "friend" thing...their definition of friendship is severely skewed. Friends do not typically take on the role of a parent, unless the friend is more like a family member, and the parent becomes incapacitated or dies; occasionally they become babysitter. For them to expect you to take on that role for them is irresponsible.
10/07/2011
Contributor: Ciao. Ciao.
Yeah, wow, I cannot imagine having that sort of discussion with someone else's child. It's their responsibility to manage that discussion and if they need advice on it coming to you might be good...but simply asking you to do it for them is ridiculous.
10/07/2011
Contributor: Beck Beck
I think you handled it great. Wow irresponsible that they would try to shove off something that important to you guys. I feel for that boy also. They need to just do it, it is their responsibility not yours. You write about sex stuff so it would be easier for you to do it. What a terrible excuse! I think that is extremely disrespectful that they would even ask you that, and assume you would be okay with it. Just because you write about sex stuff. This is something they need to do one way or another and it surely will not be resolved by having someone else do it. I could see them asking for your advice, but they were asking you to do it for them. I think you were 100% right. Even if you were close with the kids, it still is not your place .
10/07/2011
Contributor: Tuesday Tuesday
Its pretty nervy of them to ask you to do that. I wouldn't have done it either.

There are books written for kids so they can learn about these things. They should get one for their son if they can't talk about it themselves.
10/07/2011
Contributor: WhoopieDoo WhoopieDoo
Wow, they sound like total assholes. Props to you for the way you handled it.
10/07/2011
Contributor: bluekaren bluekaren
I would have done the same thing. Some friends they are trying to shuck such a big responsibility on you two! They need to get their heads out of their asses and realize it is their responsibility!
10/07/2011
Contributor: Alan & Michele Alan & Michele
Thanks guys, I feel better about the whole thing now. We try to be helpful to just about any ADULT who has a question, but that request was way out of our comfort zones.

Alan plans to take one more shot at getting the dad to man up to his responsibility IF the guy talks to him again, but I'm actually hoping that they're both pissed off enough to leave us alone. They've just lost too much respect in my book, both because they aren't willing to help their own kid (99% because of that) and because they chose to ask two people who review rubber dicks for fun to do it rather than a licensed counselor or a family member. WTF?
10/07/2011
Contributor: BBW Talks Toys BBW Talks Toys
Quote:
Originally posted by Alan & Michele
Thanks guys, I feel better about the whole thing now. We try to be helpful to just about any ADULT who has a question, but that request was way out of our comfort zones.

Alan plans to take one more shot at getting the dad to man up to his ... more
Yeah, talking to an adult who asks about pegging, which rubber dick is your favorite, or even about BDSM and safety is a LOT different than speaking to someone else's kid about what to do with their wanker, "no glove no love," and blowjobs.
10/07/2011
Contributor: Peggi Peggi
I think that you both handled the situation perfectly. Personally, I probably would've done it, but let the parents know that I felt that they were not doing their job as parents if they refused to so much as sit in. That is part of being a parent in the first place, is answering questions that you don't necessarily want to when they are asked. Not being open with the kids will show them that you are uninterested and make them feel like they can't come to you with questions, so they'll go to their friends or sometimes an adult who isn't the best person to go to.

I wouldn't have been offended by the comment about you writing, but that's just me, and I could understand why you would be. I often have friends ask me to help them medically, everywhere from "what should I put on this bump" to feeling the need to hike up the skirt so I can see their crotch-rash and all the way to the "can you drain this boil on my butt" all because I see it every day at work so I MUST be okay with it when they do it. And, most of the time, I laugh and roll my eyes at them and help them anyway, making comments about how I should charge a copay for my services, but I'm used to it now. I hear it all the time. But starting out, I thought it was a little rude. So from that perspective, I can see why you'd be across between flattered and offended.
10/07/2011
Contributor: wetone123 wetone123
I think you handled this weird situation very well. I couldn't even imagine parents wanting someone else to do this delicate job for them! I really feel sorry for the kid. They have probably foisted off other parently obligations off on other friends. For them to be so mad about your refusal, after you were so gracious to try and help them do their jobs as parents is awful too. I would not count them as friends really.
10/07/2011
Contributor: Kkay Kkay
I think that this was your boundary to set as something that you were not comfortable doing, an that part of maintaining a healthy friendship is being able to respect when a friend sets a boundary down. Their behavior in reply to you refusing to do this was unacceptable.
10/07/2011
Contributor: Sex'и'Violence Sex'и'Violence
I would have been shocked and probably a little taken aback. If they insisted I would have agreed just to get them out of there and then would have given the kid a list of words to google and tell him to ask if he has questions.
10/08/2011
Contributor: Sekhmet Sekhmet
You handled it well, that sucks for the kid.
10/08/2011
Contributor: Jul!a Jul!a
I agree that you handled this very well. In all honesty I probably would have done it just so the kid got some education, but I wouldn't have been happy about the fact that the parents weren't stepping up and at least sitting in. It was extremely rude of them to just assume you'd do it "because you write about sex stuff."
10/11/2011
Contributor: Errant Venture Errant Venture
Well, if it were me, there would have been slightly more mocking on my part. But that is just me, and my friends know that. Still, I would have refused, even to just have them sit in on the talk. I'd have given them advice, but I would have insisted that they be the ones to do it. What kind of message is it sending to their kid that they're not even comfortable with talking about it? I feel that would cause just as much damage than not talking to the kid.
10/12/2011