I was at home in bed. My husband, as per his usual habit at the time since he was a day trader then, had gotten up and turned on the news to CNN to watch the ticker tape at the bottom of the screen. I rolled over sleepily to see the usual CNN background of the New York skyline with the focus on the Twin Towers. Everything looked normal, save for a cloud of black smoke trailing from near the top of one of the towers. I asked my husband about it, and he said he didn't know what had caused it. The anchors didn't know either and were casually speculating about it while going on with their usual announcements. There was no concern at all that it was a terrorist attack yet, and they were instead speculating that a private plane had accidentally crashed into the building.
For some reason, I was riveted by the mystery of the cloud smoke, though the anchors and my husband did not seem to think it was such a big deal at the time. I stretched and sat up--and watched 9/11 unfold live before my horrified eyes. I watched as the usually articulate anchors fumbled live on the air and lost all composure as we, as viewers and anchors, slowly came to the realization together that this was a terrorist attack.
As they discussed the possibility of the towers falling, I vividly imagined frantic people trying to get down the stairwells. I imagined those who would be unable to navigate the stairs: those who were frail and elderly, those who were handicapped, etc. I imagined--in horror--their terror. I imagined the heroes that I know existed who took the time to stop, amidst the press of frantic and rushing bodies, to help the helpless get down those stairs. I imagined a couple of people trying to carry a wheelchair-bound person down all those flights of stairs while people pushed, screamed, and pressed to get by them. But I knew it was a rush against time and just how many flights of stairs there were for them to navigate, and my heart was just a cold stone in my throat. I imagined the danger into which the police officers and firefighters would be grimly, yet determinedly, rushing headlong. The firefighters and police officers knew the danger into which they were rushing, so most of them must have known that they would probably die. Yet where there was such palpable and overwhelming human need, they were compelled to go. I am filled with the most profound awe and the deepest respect for them.
As I thought about the first responders to this nightmarish scene, I felt physically ill and completely impotent. I just prayed and prayed and prayed repetitively for all the responders and the trapped victims all day long.
I will never forget the dazed look on so many people's ash-covered faces when those towers fell. I was thousands of miles away and felt just as dazed as they felt. But I felt guilty to be home safe in my room. For weeks afterward, however, I didn't feel safe at all. I, too, kept waiting for another shoe to drop, and I was terrified to be separated from my husband. Every time we were apart, I imagined what it would be like for disaster to strike and for me to frantically and fruitlessly try to contact him or my other family members.
If I was scarred by what happened on 9/11 just by viewing what unfolded from a safe distance on a television screen, I simply cannot imagine what wounds are carried by those who were actually there.
My heart goes out to everyone who was there that day or who lost someone in the attacks. And for everyone who had a direct hand in helping in the aftermath of those attacks, I send a heartfelt thank you. You are heroes.