This is pretty true in my opinion, but it's not without reason that we are this way. I think for people in the Northeast, or at least those from cities or metropolitan areas, friendliness without precedent is suspicious. I attribute it (at least in part) to the fact that areas like the metro NYC, DC, Boston, etc are extremely competitive industrial centers. I think the culture has grown out of that. There are more people than opportunities in a place like New York, and if you're too soft then you'll get left behind. That doesn't mean you have to be ruthless, but it does mean that you stop letting yourself get upset over every homeless person you see. You absolutely are a target if you care too much. Besides that, if you care too much you won't survive because there's just too much heartbreaking shit everywhere.

There's no reason in (for example) a city of 8 million to assume that everyone is your friend. Logic dictates that statistically, a large number of those people are in some way threats to you. Because you don't know which people are threats, you have to regard all people as potential threats. Again, I don't think that means you have to be ruthless. I just think it makes you more private and more skeptical of others. I disagree when people say New Yorkers are rude or cold. I think New Yorkers are some of the warmest, most vibrant, most passionate people in this country. But, you earn trust from a New Yorkers, it's not just a given. I don't know much about Boston, but from what I do know it seems similar.

I guess that's a big part of why terms of endearment from strangers are so confrontational to me. It's an intimate address coming from someone who has not earned my trust, nor the right to regard me in an intimate way. When someone assumes that right, it comes off as presumptuous and condescending, but also threatening because they aren't respecting what I see as self-evident social boundaries. It's like if you sit down on a train and there are six seats open, but a person gets on and chooses the seat directly next to you. That sets off red flags. Someone calling me "honey" may not set off the same red flags, but it does rub me the wrong way. less

I enjoyed reading your post. I agree with a lot of it.

I'm from Tuscaloosa, Alabama. It has all the things that I've grown up liking. Football, my favorite colors, houndstooth. I really like houndstooth. It's a college town.

I married a man from Newark, New Jersey. He was down here at UA for school. I had never been past the Mason Dixon, but we've visited New York, New Jersey and all his "home places" where he grew up. I love to visit, but I just don't want to live there. Yanno? I love the South.

Some people do look at me a little funny up North when I say or do something considered typically Southern, but more often than not I get a little of a shocked expression and a smile.

The thing is, we're just different in the South. We live a different lifestyle. It is a little slower, but it's not as if the South is a bad place to live. I thank people and show little terms of endearment because I was just brought up that way. It's just a different place. It would be a huge change of pace for someone to move from Alabama to New Jersey, just as it would from New Jersey to Alabama.

I know because that's how I got my husband. less

I live in New Orleans and that's pretty common here. I hate it. If you don't know me, don't call me "sugar," "baby," "sweetheart," or any other endearment.

It's like if you sit down on a train and there are six seats open, but a person gets on and chooses the seat directly next to you. That sets off red flags.

OMG. I freaking HATE that. less

I almost always move my seat, like, without even explaining myself. Occasionally you get a weirdo that will follow you, and that's when things get tricky. ***Fucking public transportation...

***See? If I moved down south, what would I bide my time complaining about? less

True, and when I feel safe enough, I do say something. Other times I am just happy to get the fuck away from them, especially if it's late at night and there aren't many people around. I have watched people sit with their iPods in while CRAZY shit went down around them, just pretending it wasn't happening. I don't trust that if Crazy McTinfoilHat stabbed me in the eye after I told him to move, bystanders would leap to my rescue. Sad, but true.

I once had a thing with a girl from London, and she would stand SO fucking close to me. Like, I thought people in New York had a small personal space, but as it turns out, not really. People from London though? Holy fuck. I wonder if studies have been done about that. I would guess that people from Tokyo would have the smallest sense of personal space just because of what a densely populated city it is? I'd be curious to see research on that. less

A woman about ten years older than me called me "sweetheart" today and for a brief moment, I considered punching her in the face. It got me talking to a friend about 1) whether or not I could have taken her in a fight and 2) how familiar address with unfamiliar people varies geographically. (Think the English equivalent of informal v. formal in romance languages.)

Where I live (New York), it's not common for strangers to call you honey, baby, mami or any of that in day to day conversation unless they're cat-calling/sexually harassing you or are significantly older than you (a few decades). In both cases, it can be a source of social tension. Yes, even when a sweet old lady calls me "honey" I can become (quietly) annoyed. Obviously it's different with people you know, but when strangers do it, it's generally perceived as condescending and confrontational.

There are exceptions, of course, and I recognize this. An example that comes to mind is informal address between women (strangers) that have bonded some way in a moment. Let's say you see a mother whose baby spits up on her shirt and you offer her a tissue, she might reply "Thank you, mami!" It's a way of showing commonality; it's kind of like saying "I see you, there." But, if it's just a woman ringing up your gum or something, it's definitely unwelcome around these parts. If she isn't at least a few decades older than you, it may outright seem like a verbal provocation.

I understand that this is different depending on where you live in the States (or in other parts of the world) so I'm curious to see how this practice plays out for all of you. Please feel free to add your specifics in the comments, including where you live. If you live in NY and have stuff to add or you take issue with my read of this phenomenon, I welcome those comments especially! less

A woman about ten years older than me called me "sweetheart" today and for a brief moment, I considered punching her in the face. It got me talking to a friend about 1) whether or not I could have taken her in a fight and 2) how familiar address with unfamiliar people varies geographically. (Think the English equivalent of informal v. formal in romance languages.)

Where I live (New York), it's not common for strangers to call you honey, baby, mami or any of that in day to day conversation unless they're cat-calling/sexually harassing you or are significantly older than you (a few decades). In both cases, it can be a source of social tension. Yes, even when a sweet old lady calls me "honey" I can become (quietly) annoyed. Obviously it's different with people you know, but when strangers do it, it's generally perceived as condescending and confrontational.

There are exceptions, of course, and I recognize this. An example that comes to mind is informal address between women (strangers) that have bonded some way in a moment. Let's say you see a mother whose baby spits up on her shirt and you offer her a tissue, she might reply "Thank you, mami!" It's a way of showing commonality; it's kind of like saying "I see you, there." But, if it's just a woman ringing up your gum or something, it's definitely unwelcome around these parts. If she isn't at least a few decades older than you, it may outright seem like a verbal provocation.

I understand that this is different depending on where you live in the States (or in other parts of the world) so I'm curious to see how this practice plays out for all of you. Please feel free to add your specifics in the comments, including where you live. If you live in NY and have stuff to add or you take issue with my read of this phenomenon, I welcome those comments especially! less

Realness. I'm impressed that you know how to put the accent on the letter i like that with a key command, lol, I have no idea how.

It's weird because it bothers me more to hear it from a woman, I think. Like, I expect it from men because men cat-call and sexually harass you all the time. It still sucks, but it's predictable. From a woman, I expect more. I expect that she has had the same done to her, and she would know how it feels to be reduced to some cutesy, patronizing address by a stranger. less

A woman about ten years older than me called me "sweetheart" today and for a brief moment, I considered punching her in the face. It got me talking to a friend about 1) whether or not I could have taken her in a fight and 2) how familiar address with unfamiliar people varies geographically. (Think the English equivalent of informal v. formal in romance languages.)

Where I live (New York), it's not common for strangers to call you honey, baby, mami or any of that in day to day conversation unless they're cat-calling/sexually harassing you or are significantly older than you (a few decades). In both cases, it can be a source of social tension. Yes, even when a sweet old lady calls me "honey" I can become (quietly) annoyed. Obviously it's different with people you know, but when strangers do it, it's generally perceived as condescending and confrontational.

There are exceptions, of course, and I recognize this. An example that comes to mind is informal address between women (strangers) that have bonded some way in a moment. Let's say you see a mother whose baby spits up on her shirt and you offer her a tissue, she might reply "Thank you, mami!" It's a way of showing commonality; it's kind of like saying "I see you, there." But, if it's just a woman ringing up your gum or something, it's definitely unwelcome around these parts. If she isn't at least a few decades older than you, it may outright seem like a verbal provocation.

I understand that this is different depending on where you live in the States (or in other parts of the world) so I'm curious to see how this practice plays out for all of you. Please feel free to add your specifics in the comments, including where you live. If you live in NY and have stuff to add or you take issue with my read of this phenomenon, I welcome those comments especially! less

I almost always move my seat, like, without even explaining myself. Occasionally you get a weirdo that will follow you, and that's when things get tricky. ***Fucking public transportation...

***See? If I moved down south, what would I bide my time complaining about? less

A woman about ten years older than me called me "sweetheart" today and for a brief moment, I considered punching her in the face. It got me talking to a friend about 1) whether or not I could have taken her in a fight and 2) how familiar address with unfamiliar people varies geographically. (Think the English equivalent of informal v. formal in romance languages.)

Where I live (New York), it's not common for strangers to call you honey, baby, mami or any of that in day to day conversation unless they're cat-calling/sexually harassing you or are significantly older than you (a few decades). In both cases, it can be a source of social tension. Yes, even when a sweet old lady calls me "honey" I can become (quietly) annoyed. Obviously it's different with people you know, but when strangers do it, it's generally perceived as condescending and confrontational.

There are exceptions, of course, and I recognize this. An example that comes to mind is informal address between women (strangers) that have bonded some way in a moment. Let's say you see a mother whose baby spits up on her shirt and you offer her a tissue, she might reply "Thank you, mami!" It's a way of showing commonality; it's kind of like saying "I see you, there." But, if it's just a woman ringing up your gum or something, it's definitely unwelcome around these parts. If she isn't at least a few decades older than you, it may outright seem like a verbal provocation.

I understand that this is different depending on where you live in the States (or in other parts of the world) so I'm curious to see how this practice plays out for all of you. Please feel free to add your specifics in the comments, including where you live. If you live in NY and have stuff to add or you take issue with my read of this phenomenon, I welcome those comments especially! less

I'll tell you one thing, I'm more afraid to walk around Newark at night than I am Bed-Stuy. That is a tough city. Many people don't know this, but I believe both Newark and Paterson surpass most parts of NYC in terms of violent crime rates per capita. I'm not sure if Newark was like that when your husband was growing up, but I'm sure that either way it was a big adjustment for him. Very different. Not to say that the south doesn't have violent crime problems in its major cities or anything.

Sometimes I feel like it would be nice to live in the south. I feel like if I tried hard enough, I could talk slower and chill out and not be so high strung all the time. But, then I think that would probably never happen because look at Larry David. He's lived in LA for ages now and he's still as neurotic as they come. Besides, I love houndstooth and football, but I might die without bagels and public transportation to complain about. less