The New Intimacy

How to deal with 'friends'?

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Contributor: Dusk Dusk
Long story short, I've spent the last four years at college in another state and my 'friends' at home complain every year that I only come home for a week and a half. Now that I've graduated I'm home for the entire summer (and I've made it REALLY clear I'm here) yet barely anyone has contacted me about hanging out. They're the ones with the work schedules, they're the ones who know what there is to do around here for fun. A lot of them don't have my # anymore so we talk through FB, but when I ask if anyone's around to hang out I just get responses from my other-state friends saying they'd love to spend time together if only I were still there.

What gives? I'm not sure at this point how to deal with these 'friends' who don't seem to care too much about seeing me after four years.
05/31/2011
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Contributor: DeliciousSurprise DeliciousSurprise
Well, you're probably not going to like my advice, but I'm going to give it, anyway.

Firstly, you've done your friendships a great disservice. How close can you really be with someone, and not have their phone number? Maybe that's just me, I don't know, but it seems weird. Anyway, I don't know what kind of friends you've been with them throughout the year (do you actively show interest in their lives? Do they in yours? Are you friends or just facebook friends?)

You've said that you've made it very clear that you're home, but nobody's contacted you about getting together. Have you taken the initiative to say, "Hey, I'm free on Friday night, are you?" and contact the people you want to spend time with?

Likewise, I can't make judgements without knowing more of the story; you said you're only back for a week and a half each time you come home: do you spend that time with your friends, or doing other things?

Four years is a long time; you may have been the number one person in their life four years ago, but you've been gone a very long time and you can't expect them to have been waiting by their doors for you to arrive home.


If you want to spend time with someone, put on your big girl panties and do something about it.

But, really, if all you've done is exchange facebook pleasantries and, "I hope you're doing well"s, are you really even friends with them anymore? Maybe it's time to branch out and begin finding another group of people whose lives you can share.
05/31/2011
Contributor: Dusk Dusk
Quote:
Originally posted by DeliciousSurprise
Well, you're probably not going to like my advice, but I'm going to give it, anyway.

Firstly, you've done your friendships a great disservice. How close can you really be with someone, and not have their phone number? Maybe ... more
I've been as close to them as I can considering that I spend most of my time working and doing schoolwork while away at college. Most of them got new phones and things which we can never keep up with (on both ends) which is why we don't have each other's numbers anymore.

A week and a half doesn't usually work out for my friends because they only have a day off every week or so. The time I'm at home is also always over Christmas and New Year which includes my birthday and requires a lot of family time. Usually only one of my friends is ever available during that time slot.

I have contacted people, but they are all working full time and none of the times I've suggested worked for them. I guess I should probably cut ties but it seems such a waste. I don't expect to be the center of their lives but considering how much complaining they've done that I'm never around when they want to see me, I thought I'd be doing a bit more this summer than sitting in my bed on the internet all day.
05/31/2011
Contributor: cherryredhead88 cherryredhead88
Quote:
Originally posted by DeliciousSurprise
Well, you're probably not going to like my advice, but I'm going to give it, anyway.

Firstly, you've done your friendships a great disservice. How close can you really be with someone, and not have their phone number? Maybe ... more
I hate to be the devil's advocate, but I have to agree here.

I have a friend in the navy who I was absolutely head over heels for before he left.

But then he left. And I barely hear from him. I'm lucky if I get a hi, how are you?

He comes back here and there for a week, but from my side, I just gave up.

I said well fuck it, if he doesn't want to make time for me he can fuck off. When he does text me I barely respond because it hurts that he doesn't even try anymore. I mean, we were close.


So I guess maybe you can confront them and ask why they aren't attempting, maybe they feel hurt as well. Maybe they feel like you moved on and blew them off, and if you offer up an apology or maybe you guys talk it out you can fix some broken ties. Good luck and sorry if this isn't what you want to hear!


Oh and if that doesn't work out, spend your summer on here. LOL
05/31/2011
Contributor: NarcissisticLust NarcissisticLust
Quote:
Originally posted by Dusk
I've been as close to them as I can considering that I spend most of my time working and doing schoolwork while away at college. Most of them got new phones and things which we can never keep up with (on both ends) which is why we don't have ... more
Maybe it is time to spread your wings, you don't need to cut ties with your old friends, but just meet new people. Maybe try volunteering somewhere related to your major? If nothing else, you won't be at home on your computer all day.
05/31/2011
Contributor: BBW Talks Toys BBW Talks Toys
Quote:
Originally posted by Dusk
Long story short, I've spent the last four years at college in another state and my 'friends' at home complain every year that I only come home for a week and a half. Now that I've graduated I'm home for the entire summer (and ... more
To be fair to them, you've been home for what, a week? Keep asking. Try making plans with them in the hours they're not working. Maybe not on holidays where they may have had plans in the works for weeks... I wouldn't write them off, just let them clear their schedule too. You didn't become friends overnight, you didn't lose touch overnight, and it won't be resolved overnight. Friendships take work.
05/31/2011
Contributor: Dusk Dusk
Quote:
Originally posted by NarcissisticLust
Maybe it is time to spread your wings, you don't need to cut ties with your old friends, but just meet new people. Maybe try volunteering somewhere related to your major? If nothing else, you won't be at home on your computer all day.
Thanks for the advice, though...well it's a bit of a different situation. I will be meeting new people, in August, when I leave to go to another state for graduate school. No point really in meeting people now in this hick town when I'm leaving in a month and a half anyway.

Also, my major isn't anything to do with my career path and you can't volunteer anywhere related to my career path....heh. I am waiting to hear on a volunteer internship for something else but that's working from home on my computer all day anyway.
05/31/2011
Contributor: BBW Talks Toys BBW Talks Toys
Quote:
Originally posted by BBW Talks Toys
To be fair to them, you've been home for what, a week? Keep asking. Try making plans with them in the hours they're not working. Maybe not on holidays where they may have had plans in the works for weeks... I wouldn't write them off, ... more
That sounded a little harsher than intended....
05/31/2011
Contributor: El-Jaro El-Jaro
It happens, people grow up and move on with their lives. The first couple years (mostly the first summer) are the most trying.

I'd suggest staying friendly and trying to get together when possible, but start your own life and go from there.

I wouldn't hold anyone to blame or get mad at anyone, it's just live and getting older.
05/31/2011
Contributor: Antipova Antipova
Quote:
Originally posted by Dusk
Thanks for the advice, though...well it's a bit of a different situation. I will be meeting new people, in August, when I leave to go to another state for graduate school. No point really in meeting people now in this hick town when I'm ... more
I know the "going back to a small town" feeling, but try not to call it a hick town in front of them or they'll have reason to resent you. Y'know? From their perspective, it could easily seem like you go off, you're out there becoming a new person in college while they're becoming new people in the same town. You come home a week a year, but it's hard to catch up (believe me, my hometown friends grouse about this a *lot*, my parents monopolize our time when we're home)... they feel like they've become afterthoughts in your life. They've established stronger bonds with each other during the time you've been gone, too.

And when you say "ok guys, I'm ready!"... they may not be ready anymore.



And on top of that---maybe they don't really use facebook as much. Admittedly, facebook has a lot more appeal in urban areas where you're meeting new people frequently. So when you're used to saying "hey I'm in hometown who wants to hang out?" via facebook, only urban folks are used to responding to that. (I see it a lot on my own newsfeed---somebody will go back to my hometown, ask the same question, and hear crickets or only their new city friends.

So if you don't have their numbers, and want to get in touch, and facebook's all you've got--- send them a facebook message saying, "hey, here's my number. What's yours?"

Or, what I would do--- hold a "Dusk's back in town!" party. Send a message or email to all these friends, make it for dinnertime, and say "hey everybody, I've missed you and want to catch up, so I'm making dinner for you all. Come to my place Friday at 6:00." Most people will respond to that, either happily, or saying "that time doesn't work for me." For the folks who can't make it, at least you've established contact and you can ask when they are free, and get their numbers. Once you show some initiative I'll bet they'll brighten up.
05/31/2011
Contributor: Sex'и'Violence Sex'и'Violence
Personally, I have very few people whom I would consider a friend and I prefer it that way because I know the friends I have are loyal and will be there right along side me regardless of what happens. If you can't count on your friends to throw down along side you, then they aren't deserving of being called "friend"

If they were "real friends" they'd at least meet you half way to hang out some time.
05/31/2011