OMG this is awesome. I can't wait to have something crappy happen so I can post it.

I've been looking for a job for weeks now and need it very badly. And in the past week, I've developed some wicked throat cold that left me without a voice. But now a friend of the family has made connections for me and I might have a job in the bag (a crappy one, but it's still a job). Now all I have to do is wait for the phone call... Oh, but wait. I don't have a voice right now. I can't speak loud enough to be heard on a phone... FML...

I cleaned for three hours last night and my kitchen was AMAZING! I decided to make fried calamari...thawed the squid...J came home. I am ready to fry. Nope. They were WHOLE. Skin on, heads attached with beak in tact and the ink sac still in place.

Prepared the squid...popped an ink sac accidentally. Now there is ink on the floor, counters and IN. MY. HAIR!!!

FML

I don't know if this is FML-worthy material, but, it's worth a shot

My sister recently stayed with us because she just got out of the Navy and home from Japan. One day, she told me that I shouldn't wear as much black as I do*. I asked her why, to which she replied, "Because, if you wear black, people will think you're one of those.... those *Bondage Girls*, or something". I almost spat out what I was drinking in laughter/surprise. I didn't have the heart to tell her that *I AM* "one of those bondage girls". FML.


(*I don't like labels, and I mostly feel that "I'm just me", but I tend to wear clothing that is of the somewhat Gothic style, mixed with other things/styles I like. So, because of this, I wear black more than most other colors in the spectrum. That, and black is just nice and slimming, lol).

After not submitting reviews, I realized that my rank has gone down .3 points.

FML.


Well, you did say the Edenfantasys version, right? HAHA!!!

I got recognized last night in AC Moore (a crafts store) while shopping with my 12 year old daughter. This woman came up and was like "Are you Victoria? Do you work for EdenFantasys?" and when I said yes, she said "Omg!!! I totally stalk you on there!" and proceeded to be a bit TMI in front of my kid, until I nicely redirected the conversation. And I decided NOT to ask her screen name. Later, my daughter said "Mom, that was really freakin weird!". (did I mention that I was totally slumming it too, in a hoodie and 'yoga pants', looking half dead on cold medicine? Yeah!) FML.

This happened a couple weeks ago, but it was definitely a FML moment.

I had called out of work because I felt like crap, and my man had JUST left for work in his "new" old pickup truck (his boss had sold it to him). I just closed my eyes to get some rest, when I heard my man come screeching back into the driveway. I was pretty confused. I was even more confused when I heard him slam the door, and then heard shattering glass fall everywhere.

I walked outside to find him sitting on the porch steps, fuming. I saw the broken drivers' side window, looked at him, and said, "Uh, what happened?"

"Well I just got down to the fork in the road, and realized I had no brakes, so I had to turn around and almost died. Then I slammed the door and the window broke."

Wonderful. Turns out not only did he need new rear brakes, but every seal in the back of the truck was leaking and needed to be replaced.

So not only was I not working, (I'm a waitress and work for tips.. aka no paid sick days) but he couldn't make it to work either, and we ended up having to pay about $140 for parts. Thankfully my boyfriend is mechanically inclined so we didn't have to pay for repairs.

I spent the entire weekend watching him fix the truck, and going back and forth to the auto parts store.

Did I mention we still need a window?

FML.

So I went on a field trip with my youngest son on Monday. It is cold outside and of all things his class went canoeing. I just knew between the two 10 year old yahoos in my boat we were going to capsize and be soaking wet. Ended up it wasn't too bad - got a lil water on my shoes but all was well.

So I went to the National Aquarium today with my other son. I was assigned eight 11/12 year old children to chaperon. WAY TOO MANY! The dolphin show was about the only exciting thing on that list of things to accomplish. Sitting in the splash zone was a given though I thought we may get a lil spray...maybe. Last time I saw them we were in the splash zone and didn't get a drop wet. Apparently this dolphin really liked looking through the glass at my group. We must have been entertaining because when he was finished I was soaking wet with fishy tasting salt water blah. From head to toe I was drenched. Water was dripping off my hair backpack - you name it. I didn't even have a dry spot to wipe the nasty taste outta my mouth ugh! To make it all the more fun we had lunch directly after the show - it was brown bag on the front lawn in 60 some degrees on the windy harbor. My group being the only ones to be drowned by the dolphins froze half to death.

And just think next week I go to the pumpkin farm with my daughters class - 5/6 year olds.

FML

Just got my Vixskin Lone Star in the mail after MONTHS of pining away after it. And? I have one of the worst yeast infections of my life so I can't use it. For the next week nothing is going in my vagina except for miconazole cream suppositories.

FUCK MY LIFE.

So my life has been very shitty and lonely for months but I finally talked to someone new and was even going to go get dinner (sushi!) with them one night. And a family friend had even asked me to emergency dogsit for her, which is great because she pays very well for it. But then the family friend becomes smothering and obsessive about her dogs and calls and texts me all day long when I'm supposed to go meet my new friend for dinner. And she even asks me to send her pictures of her dogs via my cell phone to prove I'm there with them all day long. So I may be getting paid this weekend, but I miss getting sushi and making a new friend... who is now out of town for a while. FML.

The good: My divorce hearing is in one week.

The bad: I have to sell some jewelry to be able to pay the DMV to change my name on my driver's license ($56 now) AND THEN start changing my name on everything from college to my car payments (oh, and the car doesn't run, either) to other legalities AND THEN make up a wonderful and documented excuse for failing Bonehead Algebra twice so I can take it a third time. To top it off, I haven't had ANY sort of affection since Mulder ended our affair back at the beginning of April, so I've been seven months without ANYTHING - not even an online crush, which I really don't mind - and I realized this past weekend that my libido is COMPLETELY dead and I'm really not bothered that it is, but worried that it will stay that way (which would be bad for toy reviews), because this is how it felt while I was married ... so FML and the horse it rode in on.

My wife lost her jobs a few months ago. She is now in the final stages of opening a Deli with a friend. The other day she told me that she’ll be working 14 hours a day, seven days a week setting up the new business. She also told me it I want to see her I’ll have to visit the Deli and she’ll be too tired for sex (already diminished due to her menopause) when she gets home. I still love her though. So instead of using my toys sometimes, I’ll be using them all the time.

Okay, another FML, granted it's not as funny as my first one on here, but still:

For work on Black Friday (I work at a department store called Belk. Northerners may not know what the world I'm talking about, but bear with me, lol. It's almost like Macy's) the management asked us to wear white shirts and khaki pants so we can be easily noticeable among all the people. So, I bought a pair of khakis and wore them that day. After that, I thought to myself, "Well, I'm not going to be wearing them again unless they keep me and by the next Black Friday, who knows? I may lose or gain weight and may not be able to fit them." So, with that brilliant reasoning, (and the fact I can't *stand* wearing something once and then having it rot in a closet forever, never to see the light of day again), I took them back....

... Only to find out a couple days ago that they want us to wear the white shirt and khakis *AGAIN* because it supposedly worked so great.

FML

So I was checking on the statuses of my student loans to see which needed to be paid next when I noticed the one I had paid for the month at the beginning of December was still coming up as requiring payment. I paid on the 3rd of December and it still said I had a payment due by the 10th of December! Well, I assumed that maybe it didn't go through and I was afraid of it hurting my credit so I paid - again - which used up ALL of my money to do.

Then a few hours later I found the confirmation in my email inbox from the first payment I made... So it did go through and instead of calling them to bitch at them to fix it, I just paid a whole 'nother month's worth (which won't count towards next month's either, by the way). Aaaaand I still will probably need to call them tomorrow to tell them something's f-ed up.

And now I have no money.

FML.