What counts towards sexual orientation?

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Darling Jen

So before you jump to answer the poll, really think about it. I know we have discussed the definition of sex and virgin before so I figured this community would have interesting views on this question. I've been thinking about it as I've found myself having to explain my identity to new friends.

Does your sexual orientation come solely from who you'd be willing to have sex with? Or is it from the kind of person you'd be willing to be a relationship with? Because, for most of us, those two groups are NOT the same.

So if a woman loves to have sex with a wide spectrum of people but will only ever have a relationship with men, is she bi, straight, bi-curious, heteroflexible, something else?

I keep hearing people get REALLY confused about what I am because I dated a male-identified, female-bodied person. But I still fail to label myself bisexual because what I prefer for relationships I don't see as equal between the two social genders.

So... when you share your orientation, is it based off who you'd have sex with? Or be in a relationship with? Do you see a distinction between the two?

Answers (public voting - your screen name will appear in the results):

It's all about sex.

Gunsmoke , Coralbell , P'Gell

3 (10%)

It's all about relationships.

Destri

1 (3%)

It's a mixture of the two or a case-by-case thing.

sixfootsex , Dusk , BadassFatass , Waterfall , Airen Wolf , DeliciousSurprise , Rainbow Boy , darthkitt3n , Darling Jen , Persephone Nightmare , potstickers , Hadespark , ColorSplash , Cream in the Cupcake , pinkzombie , Joie de Cherresse , Solar Ray , dv8 , BBW Talks Toys , cobiffle , liilii080 , *HisMrs*

22 (73%)

It's all in personal choice of labels.

lezergirl

1 (3%)

Something else entirely!

Vaccinium , RonLee , jfree

3 (10%)

Total votes: 30

Poll is closed

02/21/2011

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Vaccinium

Labels are unimportant. You like what you like, and there's no need to fit yourself into anyone's definition of the various sexualities.

02/21/2011

Dusk

I think everyone defines their orientation differently, which is why I wish we didn't have definitions at all OR people would ask more questions instead of making assumptions. For example, I consider myself heterosexual or heteroflexible depending on who I'm talking to and how much I'm willing to explain myself. I have only dated men, I have only had sex with one man, and I am highly monogamous so hopefully I won't be dating or having sex with anyone else unless this relationship falls through.

However, I believe that love comes in all forms and I could easily be attracted to or fall in love with a woman, even though I haven't had that experience yet and may never have it. So, I don't feel like I fall completely in one category. Some people try and tell me I'm bisexual, but I don't consider myself to be.

02/21/2011

RonLee

I'm male and I prefer to not be labeled. Female, male or TS that just means the different possibilities for intimate activity are just different. For me when it comes to a partner, it is more about the person than the plumbing.

02/21/2011

jfree

I'm a polysexual dyke and for me, this took a lot of introspection for years. Being a kid, I thought I was straight and looking on it, I think I was going through the motions. When I got older, I started fancying women, so I gathered I was some shade of queer, if not completely lesbian. Took a while to evaluate that really, I'd fuck/sleep with/get together with a lot of different people that don't fit into the cozy boxes of male or female and that there was a lot more to that than the binary. This has come without having sex, this is what I've actually found to like. I've dated and I've kissed and there's just something right about being queer to me that I can't describe.

Again, that's purely my experience and in the end; others have other ways of stumbling upon their orientations/identitie s. I guess to actually answer the question, I base it on people, really, but not really in the sex or relationship scopes. It's kind of odd to explain.

02/21/2011

Darling Jen

I have to say that I absolutely LOVE everyone's responses. I think I'm going to be the oddball out and say that while I lean towards the case-by-case option, I think it heavily leans on the side of relationships. Sex is just sex and doesn't show like relationships do (or the willingness to commit to one) how we view ourselves and others. The type (sex/gender identity/expression) of person I'd be willing to have sex with and be attracted to is a wide one. But the type of person I could see myself loving and forming a life-long bond with is a heck of a lot smaller. I don't have to connect for sex.

02/22/2011

ColorSplash

Quote:

Originally posted by Dusk

I agree 100 percent dusk.

02/28/2011

lezergirl

I've heard people define themselves differently every day of the week - at the end of the day, it comes down to what you think of yourself as and how you identify, regardless of whether you base that on sex or relationships.

03/01/2011

Destri

This is a fascinating question and it started a long discussion between my husband and I! So, first, let me say: Bravo!

Now, at this point, I am the only one who voted "Its all about relationships." I am a lesbian, married to a bi man. We have an interesting dynamic, and it is one that is difficult to explain or for most people to understand. But we both would have a relationship with the right person, but it has to be a relationship and not just about sex. We want people who can be a part of our 'family' and not just people to (pardon if I offend) fuck.

03/02/2011

pinkzombie

Quote:

Originally posted by Darling Jen

Labels are so annoying to me. Be who you want like who you like and don't worry about the rest!

03/02/2011

Darling Jen

Quote:

Originally posted by Destri

See? Now that's an awesome dynamic that I think really exemplifies the question. You still identify as lesbian while being married to a man. The world would go, "But that makes you straight!" and the truth is that things are much more complicated than that.

I've had people tell me I'm a lesbian for only having a relationship with a female-bodied person (despite their male-identification). I told them that it's simply not true and my preferences are more complex. But many people are uncomfortable with things being intricate rather than simple and base.

03/02/2011

Joie de Cherresse

All of your responses just helped me out a lot. I've been trying to figure out what I am. My husband says that I'm bi b/c I've had sex with women before. But I say I am straight. I don't want a relationship with a woman. I don't go out looking for a woman to have a relationship with. Yes, I am attracted to women, but it's a different level of attraction. It's straight sex and it just happens, I don't plan it. With a man, there's a whole different level of attraction. I am physically and emotionally attracted to men, not women. So I think I'm right when I say I'm straight and not bi. Thanks for this post!!

03/02/2011

Darling Jen

Quote:

Originally posted by Joie de Cherresse

You're welcome! And I agree cause I feel very similarly to your case. It's all an individual thing and the way you define yourself so you are what you feel.

03/02/2011

P'Gell

Personally, I think sex is the root of it. (I think sex is the root of most things, so....)

I can love a woman, in general terms, but I don't have sex with them. It simply doesn't turn me on. I have very close relationships with other women, but have never really wanted to fuck one.

I consider myself heterosexual, because I get sexually aroused by men, not to mention am only able to fall in love with men. I've had "girl crushes" but they are affections, and not sexually motivated. They are for women I admire, find attractive, want to get to know better, but never anyone I ever wanted to have sex with.

Like most people, I investigated my sexuality in adolescence, (and re-evaluated since then, of course) wondered if I was bisexual (don't MOST people wonder this?) and when I was younger and more impressionable thought I was somehow not "hip" because I wasn't attracted to women and didn't "identify as queer."

I have come to terms with my heterosexuality and am out of the Straight Closet. That's the way I am, I can't help it, and I KNOW sex and the gender of the person I want to spend and share my life with and have sex with all the time is the key to it all.

03/02/2011

BBW Talks Toys

Talk about the root of all my problems!

I think it's personal to the person who's making the decision to identify as one way or another. I've been attracted to women and men basically since I started being attracted to anyone sexually. I've only ever fallen "in love" with men, and only have ever had sex with men, but I completely know that I have the capability to fall in love with women (which would entail a sexual relationship as well).

I'm also married to man and we're monogamous with no plans to expand the boundaries of that monogamy. But I am very interested in women. (almost more so than men)

I am still working out what I identify as. Although I tell my husband I'm bisexual, I don't know if that's the best way to term it. I like the term "queer" because it's more fluid than simply saying "I like men (or women, or both)" It makes room for all identities, and all variations of those identities.

I think it's important to understand that how you identify and your current sexual practices don't have to be the same.

03/31/2011

cobiffle

I think it is more of who you really want to be with. I know my gf is attracted to some girls but she doesnt want to be with them. So she is straight to me even though she does want to kiss a girl.

03/31/2011

Total posts: 16 Unique posters: 13

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