The New Intimacy

Bullying

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Contributor: Airen Wolf Airen Wolf
(EF Review Program Mentor)
I got to thinking today, as I talked to my daughter about one of her friends who is a bully, and I started to wonder what goes through a parent's mind when they either find their child bullying others or are told about their child acting like a bully. Personally I would be mortified and hurt for my child and wonder how I had failed them that they felt it was ok to hurt or humiliate another child. Now of course I mean real bullying...all children can be cruel and I have had to pull my little "angels" aside to help them understand why their behavior wasn't acceptable and help them empathise with the other child, but I mean the down right nasty little schoolyard creep that everyone sort of tolerates (for some reason).

My girls had a friend that my heart broke when I talked to her Mother about her bullying behavior. Her Mother AND Father told Sigel and I to simply tell their daughter never to come back! Then the part that made me want to slap the taste out of both their mouths: They looked right at her and said at the same time, "She's USED to it"!!! A child being humiliated in front of my eyes, and I could see the hurt and humiliation in her face...it just turned my stomach.
She was all of 8 years old and they couldn't be bothered to actually discuss and find a way to teach her proper behavior, the wifty Mother just waved her hands around and said in a bored vague voice "She a good child...." Well of course she was damnit but her actions were not those of a caring person!

I guess what I'm asking is if anyone else has dealt with bullying in their own children successfully and what if any advice they would give to parents who are dealing with a bully, either their own or someone elses. I know the whole idea of be a bigger bully or ignore it doesn't work...are there any other ways?
07/30/2010
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Contributor: PassionQT PassionQT
I think kids bully for a reason and parents typically won't look at their own behavior as a possible origin for it. Counseling is usually a last resort once it gets really bad and someone gets hurt, but preventative measures don't seem to be working. Schools counsel kids on bullying, but then you still end up with cases like the Irish immigrant HS student who killed herself over it. Social networking doesn't help either. My daughter in middle school had a FB account, but she de-activated it, which is good. Unfortunately, you can't seem to delete them completely, or last I knew it was only de-activated until you logged back in.
07/30/2010
Contributor: P'Gell P'Gell
Quote:
Originally posted by Airen Wolf
I got to thinking today, as I talked to my daughter about one of her friends who is a bully, and I started to wonder what goes through a parent's mind when they either find their child bullying others or are told about their child acting like a ... more
Oh, the disrespect those people showed towards their own child. No wonder the kid is a bully! Sad.

This is a subject that is near to my heart. Two of my kids have Auspergers Syndrome, like their father. The oldest one has severe ADHD. Our middle one was painfully shy as a small child. All these things can and will lead to bullying.

Honestly, I don't know the best way to handle it. I confronted two little bullies once ,when they were in MY HOUSE bullying on of MY kids. I KNEW their parents couldn't have cared less and wouldn't have done anything. I tried to explain to them that that type of behavior HURTS people. I got blank stares.

I know I'll be dealing with this with our youngest. She is an odd duck. (Nick name, when she was a toddler was "The Rainman") IQ as high as can be, but just very odd and not very social. She's a funny kid, has a sense of humor, but I know the school, despite what they say about "Zero Tolerance for Bullying" does NOTHING in these cases. The bullies are VERY good at getting under the radar of the teachers, and they are also usually "charming" and well liked kids by the staff, so no one want to say or do anything.

Airen, I wish I had better info for you. I just teach my kids to respect other people, to remember they have feelings, too, to be honest, but not to hurt others and to THINK before they say or do something.

Hugs, I've been there, and will be again.
07/30/2010
Contributor: Envy Envy
I think it starts with the parents. Mostly due to the fact the parents are either real mean towards their own child so they see it as proper behavior, or, the child doesn't get enough attention and seeks it in other ways. Regardless as the child grows up it can lead to great dysfunction in families as the parents and children fight.

I was once a bully as a small child. But I KNOW why, and I have since changed, going from bully to being bullied. I know and understand both sides, and for both sides it's not fun, it's hurtful. It was so bad for me the faculty used to have to walk me through the halls at some point because I had literally been ganged up on and these kids tried to physically cause harm to me in any way, shape, or form possible. School for me was hell until college. I tried to fight back but the school said one more fight and I wold be expelled. Some school, huh? They would rather get rid of the victim than deal with the bullies.

Dad was actually proud of me standing up for myself though. And he told the school that, right to their faces. That's why they threatened to kick me out. "Zero Tolerance' policy my ass if you get rid of the wrong people.

What the child needs is some real, good, wholehearted and sincere love and direction. When it's really out of hand, counseling is a good option, not just for child, but for the parents too as a family together.
07/30/2010
Contributor: Heather Heather
Boy has this become a hot topic in our household over the years. We have two kids who are polar opposites in personality. Our son is a gentle giant and is often picked on for that reason. No he’s not overweight just very tall and a bit muscular for his age. Sounds funny but what we’ve found there is a kind of pecking order amongst boys. Bullies will often try to target the bigger kids but with a certain disposition and he fits the bill. Quiet, gentle, always does the “right” thing, “A” student…….yeah he’s a great kid. There are different kinds of bullies and we all encounter them through our lives. It has been very hard teaching him how to handle this. Schools are a breeding ground and most schools don’t have any clue how to deal with conflict resolution. No tolerance policies are a copout in my book. Like I said there are many different types of bullies and we’ve found our best defense is to teach our son how to deal with the bully. By the way it’s not just kids. My son was bullied and misjudged by a teacher again because of his stature. The teacher admitted he assumed since my 9yr old plays sports and is big he’s a cocky jock. NICE! For us it has been all about building his confidence and letting him know it’s o.k. to speak up tell the bully to back off. 2 of the bullies now treat him with respect because he was on teams with them and he’s a great athlete. Both those boys are treated harshly at home and when I tried to discuss with one of the parents she was too drunk to comprehend. We’ve found many bullies have an inferior complex and need to put others down to feel good about themselves. Others, I just don’t understand.

Our daughter although very young is a whole other story. Thanks to the supportive messages from Airen our daughter has shown us how confident she is in who she is and is not intimidated by others. You give her any crap and she disregards you. We had a real fear she would be bullied or treated differently and so far she’s proven it’s not going to be a problem. She kind of reminds me of the older sister on the old t.v. show designing women. Takes no crap and tells you off. She’ll also be the first one to help you up when you fall.

Can you tell I just love my kids? Yes I do but I’m not stupid. All kids make mistakes and to answer your question, I would be heartbroken if one of my kids was being a bully. I’ve seen what it’s done to our son and the idea of one of my kids doing that to another child would kill me. I have a friend, yeah and I don’t even pay her, we have an agreement that if we see one of our kids acting like a jerk to let the other know. No judgments, no hesitations just a helping hand and it has worked. She was at the school and saw my son acting cranky, for lack of a better term, and that’s when I found out about his teacher.

It takes a village and this village gave me Airen and thanks to her my daughter is just that much stronger. THANKS.
07/30/2010
Contributor: Chilipepper Chilipepper
Bullies are yet another reason I won't ever have children - been through it, don't want to put anyone of my own blood through it. The first time I ever comtemplated suicide was because of bullies. I was eleven-years-old. Still haven't gotten over it either: I expect bullies to come out of the woodwork whether at the grocery store or in a work environment.
07/30/2010
Contributor: El-Jaro El-Jaro
There are only 7 (soon to be 6 I hope) states that DON'T have anti-bully laws.

Time for an interweb search?

Good luck!
07/30/2010
Contributor: Airen Wolf Airen Wolf
(EF Review Program Mentor)
Quote:
Originally posted by Heather
Boy has this become a hot topic in our household over the years. We have two kids who are polar opposites in personality. Our son is a gentle giant and is often picked on for that reason. No he’s not overweight just very tall and a bit muscular for ... more
I am so glad to hear it's working out for you guys...she's a sweetheart and just as normal as any other person on this planet. Your Son is gifted in sports and learning it only makes sense she'd be gifted as well.

I am so very careful what we teach our children with just our actions once it hit home how much we infleuence their behavior. My husband, life partner and I are all very polite with each other. Pleases and thanks yous are used between us all the time everytime. We have always received compliments on how polite our children are. Recently we have been taking longer visits to Arch in Toronto. My kids are Mid West born and raised...for us manners are EVERYTHING. Eye contact, speaking, allowing the elderly and women with babies priority all these things are damn near demanded at home. When we come here it's a fucking stampede and screw it if you get seperated from your kids and they get left at the bus stop, a 30 something GUY got on the bus and that's all that matters! Arch has actually had to yell obscenities at an oblivious bus driver to get him to open the damn bus door! That would NEVER happen in our town, mainly because it's legal to carry a concealed weapon and you never know.... Naw really it's just about the expectations of manners.

I wonder sometimes if this is where bullying comes from. Being oblivious to the messages we are sending our children and being oblivious to their emotional pain.
07/30/2010
Contributor: Airen Wolf Airen Wolf
(EF Review Program Mentor)
Quote:
Originally posted by Chilipepper
Bullies are yet another reason I won't ever have children - been through it, don't want to put anyone of my own blood through it. The first time I ever comtemplated suicide was because of bullies. I was eleven-years-old. Still haven't ... more
My daughter read this over my shoulder and wanted me to say that even though she has been at times brutalized by bullies she would still have wanted to be alive. Don't base not having children on the fact that bullies exist....

I did explain that people usually have many reasons why they don't want children and she understands that...just wanted you to know her take on the issue!
07/30/2010
Contributor: Chilipepper Chilipepper
Quote:
Originally posted by Airen Wolf
My daughter read this over my shoulder and wanted me to say that even though she has been at times brutalized by bullies she would still have wanted to be alive. Don't base not having children on the fact that bullies exist....

I did ... more
As I said, one of many reasons; children themselves are actually not one of them.
07/30/2010
Contributor: Jenn (aka kissmykitty) Jenn (aka kissmykitty)
(EdenFantasys)
Bullies exist everywhere, unfortunately. Worse still, many adults do not leave bullying behind as an unfortunate phase of their childhood.

As a child, I was taught to do my best to take the high road with bullies. I was encouraged to stand up for myself, but not feed into their behavior. It worked fairly well, and if nothing else taught me determination and strength, so I'll do my best to teach my children the same.
07/30/2010