The New Intimacy

Are you Civil for the sake of family?

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Contributor: MamaDivine MamaDivine
My brother and I have been estranged for quite some time now. I want to say since around Christmas? My brother got into it with my husband over the phone and really started pouncing on him verbally. Calling him all sorts of names, pretty crude ones at that, screaming at him, it was ridiculouos. MInd you, my husband got into it with him because he took the phone from ME when he overheard the ridiculous convo I was having with my brother and I was attempting to calm my brother down to see what on earth he was talking about (seriously he totally jumped the rails and started getting nasty with me, yelling and what not). I still, to this day, have no friggen clue what triggered his screaming fit with me, or what it was even about. But when my husband grabbed the phone from me to CALMLY inform my brother that he was in the wrong and to start talking better to me-My husband is the one that got the nasty end of the rest of the convo. So, of course, after that blow up....we haven't spoken to him since.

My brother was hit by an SUV a few years ago-literally it was him vs the SUV. Ever since then, his temperament and touchiness has been outregous. You have to really walk on eggshells with him now. Anything sets him off and when he gets into his "screaming/yelling/ass hole" moods-he doesn't come down off it for a while.

So you have to learn to take it with a grain of salt with him. But, in the same sense, its hard to deal with knowing full well he owes my husband AND me an apology. Well, yesterday was "Mothers Day at gram's house" and my family, my mom and my brother and his family were there. I knew this was going to be trouble. Especially since we had informed my brother we didn't want him and his volatile attitude around the kids. My husband was furious that we had to go and still hadn't resolved this issue. But, I told him that if he or my brother upset my grandmother, It was ME they would have to contend with lol. And that isn't good for anyone! LOL.

So, we were civil, and we handled ourselves nicely. We were one big happy family for a night. Have you ever had to do this for the sake of sanity or happiness for another family member? If so, did you just forgive and forget and let sleeping dogs lie or did you eventually work it out in the end? Im trying to figure out how to approach this, solve the issue AND still make sure my brother doesn't have another mental meltdown, but its iffy. You can never really know when hes going to blow. Suggestions?
05/14/2012
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Contributor: Peggi Peggi
First of all, I'm very sorry to hear about all that mess! It sounds like the front part of your brother's brain could've received some sort of damage, since that is the part that controls things like anger, and often people in accidents have that happen and do a total 360! I've seen so much on that topic on health shows!

So I know that can be horrible to live with, from what I've seen! And I've known people with mood disorders, including myself, so it's no fun to be around!

As far as being in that situation, for the most part I haven't had to deal with that. Luckily the family members I don't get along with typically aren't on the "invite list" to my family's get-togethers, and when they are, for the most part we can avoid each other.
05/14/2012
Contributor: ejrbrndps ejrbrndps
although I dont want to get into detail, I am always, but some arent.......we have a f'd up family life many others
05/14/2012
Contributor: Ansley Ansley
No, I'm not civil for the sake of civility when it comes to my family. I've been stepped on by them far too often and far too much in life. I'm radically different than they are and it makes them uncomfortable so they try to exclude me. Besides, my sister is a gigantic pain in the ass and it's me, me, me, me allll the time with her. I'd rather stay home and wonder if they miss me.
05/14/2012
Contributor: MamaDivine MamaDivine
Quote:
Originally posted by Peggi
First of all, I'm very sorry to hear about all that mess! It sounds like the front part of your brother's brain could've received some sort of damage, since that is the part that controls things like anger, and often people in accidents ... more
Definitely. They also found an air bubble that was trapped in his brain. They say that any sort of force to the head could cause it to move and possibly be fatal

He got into a car accident a few weeks ago (my mother told me.) and I about swallowed my tongue, until she told me he was ok. Shit like that scares the crap out of me. But I hate that he can't control his anger. He is like a ticking time bomb ready to go off at any thing and I just feel that I don't want the kids around in the event he does blow. It doesn't help that he has Bi Polar, along with other disorders. When he drinks it gets wayyy bad.

I feel like I should try to mend things with him, because with all that he has going on, he could very well die from something so minor and I would hate to leave things like that if it happened-God forbid .

But in the same sense, I just hate that every one excuses his actions because of what happened. He has always been the type to get away with murder, so to speak. I guess that I harbor a lot of bad baggage with that, and that is what has me so up in arms about this whole thing. Part of that bitterness is coming back from my past, and affecting how I am handling this issue. Which is wrong, I know that. But I can't help but be human, ya know?
05/15/2012
Contributor: MamaDivine MamaDivine
Quote:
Originally posted by Ansley
No, I'm not civil for the sake of civility when it comes to my family. I've been stepped on by them far too often and far too much in life. I'm radically different than they are and it makes them uncomfortable so they try to exclude me. ... more
I don't blame you Stormy. I know how you feel. The only reason that I kept my cool is because my grandmother has done SO much for us. My mom, myself and my family and my brother and his family. She has always been there, helped us when we needed it etc etc. She is such a sweet and kind heart and I told my husband (and myself lol) that there was to be NO upsetting her on Mothers Day. Its a tradition that we gather at her house for Mothers Day every year (and because my birthday is usually directly following it or on it, we celebrate that too). My grandmother is in her 80's and if anything happens to her, I'd be devastated. I know she doesn't have much time left with us, and we dont' see her nearly enough like we used to. So I guess I just had to hold it together for her sake. Now, if it were just me and the rest of the family-blood probably would have been shed LOL
05/15/2012
Contributor: Woman China Woman China
Quote:
Originally posted by Ansley
No, I'm not civil for the sake of civility when it comes to my family. I've been stepped on by them far too often and far too much in life. I'm radically different than they are and it makes them uncomfortable so they try to exclude me. ... more
My family has gotten to the point where I'm basically forgotten, and surprisingly enough, I am ok with that. And when I do see them? It's years between visits and all I really have to do is talk about China.

It's win win!
05/15/2012
Contributor: Allison.Wilder Allison.Wilder
I try to be civil, but usually I just want to hash it out immediately. I wouldn't be able to let it go months without resolution, let alone be in the same room without resolution.
05/15/2012