Been there, done that!

My first marriage started off okay. I thought we were in love, and though he wasn't the most romantic person in the world, he was affectionate; at least in the beginning. Like a typical relationship, we had things that were stressful in our lives, we ended up having children, and we were busy with life in general. I always did everything I could to keep us connected, but he just didn't care. Did we go 2+ years without having sex? Not quite, but having sex once every 4 months and having it be bland and making me feel like I was only being used wasn't exactly nice either.

We stopped kissing each other, stopped hugging each other, and I eventually left the bedroom and started sleeping in another room. He never said anything nice to me, no matter what I did, no matter how I looked. He acted like he never wanted to talk to me or be around me. We were literally living as roommates with two children to care for. He started having this huge attitude toward me, I hated it! After having a serious conversation, he agreed to counseling and started going on his own before we would go together. Counseling wasn't helping because he refused to listen to anything the counselor said. He admitted to me that he had been lying about things and acting like living with me was worse than it actually was. He broke down and told me he wanted to try (he did this every so often), that he was going to be different, that he missed me, etc. I felt bad; this was the man I once loved so much I decided I wanted to be with him forever. I gave him another shot. I went to bed with him that night, we 'made love', and I thought we'd be on the right track. The next morning, it was like nothing had even been said the night before. I stayed with him another two months, hoping this 'change' would happen, and when it didn't, I told him I was leaving.

He got on his knees, begging me for another chance, but he had exhausted them, and there was no way I was going to invest one more second into someone that was only willing to try when they thought they'd get something out of it.

It wasn't an easy decision to make. I stayed with him for a long time practically living like we were roommates because I had a child with him. I don't even understand how we got pregnant the second time because I have no memory of having slept with him for months prior. But it happened. Having two children, it's hard to think about them coming from a broken home, having to share custody, going days at a time without seeing them. I was so torn in my mind on what I needed to do.

I was losing myself. I didn't care about how I looked or what I did. I was in a haze and just going through the motions. I would go weeks at a time without leaving the house. I wouldn't step outside for days. I felt like I was nothing. It was a horrible situation to be in. When we were working things out I had so much emotion in it all. It was when tears wouldn't even come to my eyes that I realized I no longer had emotional investment in our relationship.

It wasn't an easy decision, but it was one I had to make. Sex wasn't the biggest issue, it was how the whole relationship died. Sex should be one of the last things to go when you're struggling with your partner. It's something that makes you feel connected to them, something that produces 'feel good' chemicals in the body, and is necessary. When sex goes, it takes a lot right along with it. Being emotionally absent from your spouse is grounds for divorce, in my opinion. It's no longer a union, 'for better or worse' goes out the window.

So I guess after my extremely long post I'll say this, yes, a sexless marriage is grounds for a divorce if your partner is emotionally absent from you (which is commonly the case). less

I feel sex is not a requirement to stay married. If a couple truly love each other, that's all that matters. My grandmother, after having 6 children, had her tubes tied. My grandpa didn't think that was fair, so he also went and a vasectomy done. Well, back in those years, I guess they really didn't know what they were doing, and the vasectomy made him impotent. He was never able to get an erection again. This did not affect their marriage at all. They loved each other very deeply and never divorced. less

Oh my goodness. That was one of the sweetest stories I have ever heard! I see your point, definitely. I too think marriage is something that should be taken seriously, and effort should always be made. I have to admit though, if there's a totally loveless marriage, I wouldn't be opposed to divorce.

It's also sad that the vasectomy gave him so much trouble. Bless his heart! What an amazing person though, to be able to do that for someone they love. Simply because they love and care. Your grandparents sound like one amazing example of a couple, but I do hate that the problems came about.

And I find it very... touching? Sorry, I can get really lame. Lol. But yes, I find it so touching to hear about that kind of love. Man, it sure makes me hopeful for the future my spouse and I have.

Anyways, thank you all for sharing. I love that you guys opened up and shared some really interesting pieces of your lives.

Chilipepper: Holy mother of pearl. My heart goes out to you. How stunningly devastating of a situation to be in. Let me just say, I'm SO glad you did not end up ending it. I don't know you on the most personal level, but you are a lovely person from what I know of you here and I am so glad all that beauty and knowledge (yes, I read a lot of your writings!) did not go to waste.

Now, just wow. I totally understand your reasoning though. That would eat me a live too. I HAVE to have affection. To me, being totally alone would be better than being with someone and craving day in and day out, the affection I would never get. And being blamed and treated the way you were would really do some damage to a person. It's amazing you've broke away from all that, which of course I'm sure you aren't able to forget what's happened, but you got away and made that decision, which is admirable.

The things you said about daydreaming about being without him -- a couple years ago, before one of my family members divorced her husband, she said those exact words. She said she dreamed of things happening so she no longer had to be with him. The relationship was SUCH a hard thing on her. She still has a lot of struggles, and sadly is in another relationship that's even worse than the last! Her last (12 years) marriage was passion-less and very unfulfilling for her, but this new one is destructive for her, so it makes me so sad to see this happen to anybody. I've had my share of shitty boys, but I've never been stuck. I never had to go through the horrible nightmare of being stuck (kids, living together, etc.) Thankfully, I'd never gotten that far into any relationship except my current 6 year one, so I was fortunate. I do not know that I'd have been able to find strength in myself back then, at that age and weak type of person I was when I was in the bad relationships. I'm just glad for those who do manage to get away from a destructive relationship. I admire them. I lost a family member exactly 3 years ago (this month) to a violent murderer husband, so this type of situation for a person (being in a harmful relationship) just makes me cringe for them.

Bleu: LOL @ "even old people fuck like bunnies." HA HA. So true. I hope I am still a sex-fanatic when I'm as old as the hills. less

So I was reading this article a while ago where this woman divorced her husband because he witheld sex. Actually, the title and description made it sound like the woman divorced him solely because he absolutely refused to have sex with her, but as I read on to the end, I learned that it wasn't really all about sex alone. She divorced him because yes, there was no sex in 2 years at all, but mainly because there was no passion, and when there is no passion of course it results in little to no affection and sex.

Anyways, so basically she left because of the sexless, loveless and passionate-less life they lived together, which I can understand because it cannot be very healthy to continue in what wouldn't be a happy marriage.

But my question to you lovely people is this: Honestly, thinking about it, putting yourself in this type of situation where you're married and you guys have NO sex for 2+ years, would you leave? Would you feel right leaving only because of that or would you stay? This is assuming you'd already tried to rekindle the passion and all. What do you think you'd do?

I am asking because I actually, when putting my own self in this situation, could not even answer it myself. I really do not know what I would do. If I'd leave or stay. I really just can't imagine a sexless, passionateless and romatic-less love life between myself and my own partner. We're the exact opposite, but if things just died, I think I'd be terribly unsatisfied. I mean no passion? No more romance and crazy fun we have together. I don't think I could handle it, not after having it all. I couldn't handle it suddenly disappearing, but had I never had it? I don't know.

Just an interesting topic, I thought. So do you guys want to share how you'd feel? Or are you someone who's been there? Care to share? less

So I was reading this article a while ago where this woman divorced her husband because he witheld sex. Actually, the title and description made it sound like the woman divorced him solely because he absolutely refused to have sex with her, but as I read on to the end, I learned that it wasn't really all about sex alone. She divorced him because yes, there was no sex in 2 years at all, but mainly because there was no passion, and when there is no passion of course it results in little to no affection and sex.

Anyways, so basically she left because of the sexless, loveless and passionate-less life they lived together, which I can understand because it cannot be very healthy to continue in what wouldn't be a happy marriage.

But my question to you lovely people is this: Honestly, thinking about it, putting yourself in this type of situation where you're married and you guys have NO sex for 2+ years, would you leave? Would you feel right leaving only because of that or would you stay? This is assuming you'd already tried to rekindle the passion and all. What do you think you'd do?

I am asking because I actually, when putting my own self in this situation, could not even answer it myself. I really do not know what I would do. If I'd leave or stay. I really just can't imagine a sexless, passionateless and romatic-less love life between myself and my own partner. We're the exact opposite, but if things just died, I think I'd be terribly unsatisfied. I mean no passion? No more romance and crazy fun we have together. I don't think I could handle it, not after having it all. I couldn't handle it suddenly disappearing, but had I never had it? I don't know.

Just an interesting topic, I thought. So do you guys want to share how you'd feel? Or are you someone who's been there? Care to share? less

Oh my goodness. Bless your heart and thank you for sharing something so painful. I am really sorry you went through that. My heart was actually pretty sad when I read this. I couldn't begin to imagine the pain of being in that kind of relationship and being the only one ever making any effort. Kudos to you for breaking loose and finding your way. That is huge. I don't know that I would be so brave.

I agree. Sex is tied in with love and affection and bonding with each other, so it seems if one is gone, so is the other (sex/love, affection). They tend to all either be there or not.

I also agree with your decision to do what was right for you as a person, and for your life (and possibly children too, removing yourself from a loveless marriage would likely often be a benefit to them). Til death do us part should not mean living in total unhappiness. Never.

Thank you again for sharing all that. less

It wasn't easy and the whole situation was just heartbreaking! I had saved myself for this one person. I wanted to say that I had only been with one person my whole life, but I wasn't willing to just 'be' in that situation.

I knew long before I left that things weren't what they should have been. I had no hesitation before we got married, but later that night, I felt like something was...off. A month after my daughter was born, he and I spent 4 hours going over all the things he had lied to me about over the 7 months we'd been married; this included a situation that had caused him to have a Class E Misdemeanor in Theft By Unauthorized Taking on his record. He told me that he said everything he could so that he could 'have' me and once we were married, he didn't have to try any more. It was like the moment we were married, he was no longer interested in being the person I had 'fallen in love' with. I was shaken and I felt like I had no choice but to stay with him, I had a newborn daughter. Our entire marriage was me trying, him promising change, and nothing getting resolved.

I lost myself, threw myself into raising my daughter and the middle years of our marriage now feel like a blur because I did my best to ignore what was going on; I didn't feel like I had another choice.

I'm a deeply loving and affectionate person, and I had to suppress that because I was only used by him. I love being affectionate, but I was tired of sleeping with someone that wouldn't kiss me, and would simply roll over when he was finished.

It was heartbreaking, but the hardest part was how everyone judged me when I left. No one knew things from my point of view because I tried to fight for my marriage on my own. I didn't tell people how bad things were, that I was sleeping on a little foam pad on the floor of the living room each night, that he wasn't helping me raise our children even though he was unemployed for most of our relationship, they didn't know about the secrets and the lies...but he wasn't afraid to tell them all how horrible I was. He had no shame in telling them that I no longer 'put out', that I expected 'too much' of him, etc. I lost all of my friends, was grieving the loss of my marriage, and was slowly trying to figure out how I was going to handle the two largest pieces of my heart being torn from me for days at a time each week.

It might seem selfish that I left. A lot of people think I didn't have it 'that bad'. No, he didn't hit me, but he was emotionally and verbally abusive, and all around absent in our relationship. I could lose more of myself and allow my daughters to think it was okay for a woman to abandon her own feelings for a man. I didn't want them thinking it was okay to be in a relationship where you don't hug or kiss. I wanted them to see parents that loved each other and showed it. I never once, EVER saw my parents kiss when I was growing up. I didn't want that for them too.

My relationship is far from perfect. We've struggled with a lot of things in our relationship, but we're figuring it out. No matter what, my husband tells me he loves me every day, even when we're mad at each other. We kiss and hug each day, and it makes me proud to say that we've not gone more than two weeks without making love since the first time we were together. He's not perfect, he doesn't shower me with compliments, but he's a good man; I'm far from perfect myself.

I guess my point is, is that though my husband and I struggle now, it's far easier to handle because we're always emotionally connected. If we weren't than we'd be having a different conversation.

No one deserves to lose themselves just because they're in a relationship with someone else. Yes, adapting is important, but changing who you are to fit with someone who isn't willing to meet you in the middle, will only result in negative things. Relationships take two to work, not one burnt out while the other doesn't care. less

It wasn't easy and the whole situation was just heartbreaking! I had saved myself for this one person. I wanted to say that I had only been with one person my whole life, but I wasn't willing to just 'be' in that situation.

I knew long before I left that things weren't what they should have been. I had no hesitation before we got married, but later that night, I felt like something was...off. A month after my daughter was born, he and I spent 4 hours going over all the things he had lied to me about over the 7 months we'd been married; this included a situation that had caused him to have a Class E Misdemeanor in Theft By Unauthorized Taking on his record. He told me that he said everything he could so that he could 'have' me and once we were married, he didn't have to try any more. It was like the moment we were married, he was no longer interested in being the person I had 'fallen in love' with. I was shaken and I felt like I had no choice but to stay with him, I had a newborn daughter. Our entire marriage was me trying, him promising change, and nothing getting resolved.

I lost myself, threw myself into raising my daughter and the middle years of our marriage now feel like a blur because I did my best to ignore what was going on; I didn't feel like I had another choice.

I'm a deeply loving and affectionate person, and I had to suppress that because I was only used by him. I love being affectionate, but I was tired of sleeping with someone that wouldn't kiss me, and would simply roll over when he was finished.

It was heartbreaking, but the hardest part was how everyone judged me when I left. No one knew things from my point of view because I tried to fight for my marriage on my own. I didn't tell people how bad things were, that I was sleeping on a little foam pad on the floor of the living room each night, that he wasn't helping me raise our children even though he was unemployed for most of our relationship, they didn't know about the secrets and the lies...but he wasn't afraid to tell them all how horrible I was. He had no shame in telling them that I no longer 'put out', that I expected 'too much' of him, etc. I lost all of my friends, was grieving the loss of my marriage, and was slowly trying to figure out how I was going to handle the two largest pieces of my heart being torn from me for days at a time each week.

It might seem selfish that I left. A lot of people think I didn't have it 'that bad'. No, he didn't hit me, but he was emotionally and verbally abusive, and all around absent in our relationship. I could lose more of myself and allow my daughters to think it was okay for a woman to abandon her own feelings for a man. I didn't want them thinking it was okay to be in a relationship where you don't hug or kiss. I wanted them to see parents that loved each other and showed it. I never once, EVER saw my parents kiss when I was growing up. I didn't want that for them too.

My relationship is far from perfect. We've struggled with a lot of things in our relationship, but we're figuring it out. No matter what, my husband tells me he loves me every day, even when we're mad at each other. We kiss and hug each day, and it makes me proud to say that we've not gone more than two weeks without making love since the first time we were together. He's not perfect, he doesn't shower me with compliments, but he's a good man; I'm far from perfect myself.

I guess my point is, is that though my husband and I struggle now, it's far easier to handle because we're always emotionally connected. If we weren't than we'd be having a different conversation.

No one deserves to lose themselves just because they're in a relationship with someone else. Yes, adapting is important, but changing who you are to fit with someone who isn't willing to meet you in the middle, will only result in negative things. Relationships take two to work, not one burnt out while the other doesn't care. less

Reading that just made me so angry and frustrated...because I hate how judgmental people can be over broken relationships that they aren't in. It's so easy to act like we know what's going on in other people's lives, but in reality, we have no idea what people are going through. Nobody, NOBODY, deserves to feel unloved, unwanted, used, or that they have to change themselves to accommodate someone else. I'm truly happy that you're now with someone who makes you feel loved. You deserve that. Relationships are very difficult, and we all struggle with them...but when you struggle for someone who is worth it, who makes you feel worthwhile and needed, who you don't have to give pieces of your soul to, that's when you know it's worthwhile.

That's why I will never budge on my needs ever again. I've been in two really damaging relationships. And I never will again. Even over things that some people might see as trivial--they aren't trivial to me. I spent a decade of my 27 years between these two men, putting myself after them, and I got nothing from their selfishness in return but drama and serious pain. Never again will I be that person. I'll give what I'm willing to give to a man who deserves it because I get what I need from him, too. I'll be selfish like that without apologies, because I refuse to have my soul sucked away again, and to be eaten alive by men who take and take and give nothing in return.

Ugh, okay, sorry for the rant. I just hate selfish lovers and the selfless people they damage being the ones who get viewed as the victims. Plenty of people hate me for the decision I made with those relationships...and that's their problem, because they have no idea what I went through.

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() I'm so sorry for the struggles you've had! Dedicating years of your life with someone that's selfish just sucks the life out of you! I truly hope that you'll find someone (or have someone) who values YOUR needs. Because you deserve that! less

So I was reading this article a while ago where this woman divorced her husband because he witheld sex. Actually, the title and description made it sound like the woman divorced him solely because he absolutely refused to have sex with her, but as I read on to the end, I learned that it wasn't really all about sex alone. She divorced him because yes, there was no sex in 2 years at all, but mainly because there was no passion, and when there is no passion of course it results in little to no affection and sex.

Anyways, so basically she left because of the sexless, loveless and passionate-less life they lived together, which I can understand because it cannot be very healthy to continue in what wouldn't be a happy marriage.

But my question to you lovely people is this: Honestly, thinking about it, putting yourself in this type of situation where you're married and you guys have NO sex for 2+ years, would you leave? Would you feel right leaving only because of that or would you stay? This is assuming you'd already tried to rekindle the passion and all. What do you think you'd do?

I am asking because I actually, when putting my own self in this situation, could not even answer it myself. I really do not know what I would do. If I'd leave or stay. I really just can't imagine a sexless, passionateless and romatic-less love life between myself and my own partner. We're the exact opposite, but if things just died, I think I'd be terribly unsatisfied. I mean no passion? No more romance and crazy fun we have together. I don't think I could handle it, not after having it all. I couldn't handle it suddenly disappearing, but had I never had it? I don't know.

Just an interesting topic, I thought. So do you guys want to share how you'd feel? Or are you someone who's been there? Care to share? less