The New Intimacy

Should your partner be involved in the process of buying transgender items?

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Contributor: MJ7 MJ7
I was wondering - do you think that partners of transgender individuals should be involved when it comes to buying certain items? (Packers, STPs, etc)

I have been looking at STPs and packers online, trying to decide which one I should put my money (or eventual EF points) towards. As mentioned in other posts, I am FTM and my partner is a hetero male. A lot of this is new to him but he's been very accepting and understanding.

However, when I suggested to him that we go online and I show him the packer I am interested in, he began to act very uncomfortable, almost upset and said he didn't want to see it.

I'm a little hurt and confused by this, but trying to be respectful as this is a hard time for him too.

How involved do you think partners should be in these processes (little things; looking online, buying items, etc)? How involved is your partner, if applicable? How involved are you as a partner, if applicable?

Thank you
Answers (public voting - your screen name will appear in the results):
It's very important for partners of trans people to be involved in as many ways as possible.
MJ7 , MintT , mr115393 , jsnyder87 , Jaxxie Lifeless , Asher , Llewey , bottled-diva , Kristopher Sean , SailorJulyxo , LoganAshlee. , alextge , lexxxmoonchild
13
It's important for partners of trans people to be involved, but only with some aspects and/or what they are comfortable with.
Eve12 , BeepBop , Dren , MintT , scaredlittleboy , Lavendar , rms1992 , Schattenstern , Asher , Alchemagician , needapacker , Mediumsizedman , Strider , Levi , jfree , TransMarc , Amirah , MaximusMax
18
As long as they are supportive of their trans partner, it doesn't matter which aspects of life they are involved in.
GONE! , sodapin , Terri69 , Kitka , DarthTaco , Zandrock , PinkiePie , brevado , TiffyPixie , BeepBop , butts , scaredlittleboy , korychi , mamaseatspoop , Stinkytofu10 , Boyqueen , Ly-Ra , mr115393 , Alyxx , pestilence , Andrew1992 , bottled-diva , TboyTy , TheParrishism , FTMax , femme filth , TransGuy14 , Strider , novanilla , fizzygato , SalmiakkiVodka , Kyle Hunter , thisisadeletedaccount , JB2012 , eroticmutt , jfree , LoneOokami , treehugger , ankie212 , TransMarc , glassdoll , MaximusMax
42
I think it's important to keep things like this private/on the down-low.
soccer
1
Total votes: 74 (64 voters)
Poll is closed
09/13/2012
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Contributor: soccer soccer
Quote:
Originally posted by MJ7
I was wondering - do you think that partners of transgender individuals should be involved when it comes to buying certain items? (Packers, STPs, etc)

I have been looking at STPs and packers online, trying to decide which one I should put my ... more
i think it'd be nice if he wants to be involved. the packer makes you happy so it's weird that he wouldn't want to see it...
09/13/2012
Contributor: GONE! GONE!
I wouldn't want my partner to be disgusted, but I do these things myself and don't think it particularly important to have the input of other people. That sucks that he's being less than respectful.
09/13/2012
Contributor: MJ7 MJ7
Quote:
Originally posted by soccer
i think it'd be nice if he wants to be involved. the packer makes you happy so it's weird that he wouldn't want to see it...
he is very involved in many ways, however I suspect he'd be more comfortable seeing me actual using the packer, rather than looking at it on the internet. if that makes sense at all?
09/13/2012
Contributor: MJ7 MJ7
Quote:
Originally posted by GONE!
I wouldn't want my partner to be disgusted, but I do these things myself and don't think it particularly important to have the input of other people. That sucks that he's being less than respectful.
Yes, I agree, it's not that it's important in and of itself to have my partner there with me, looking online and picking out products with me. But his openness and support is very important to me, and so to feel that he is less than comfortable with it hurts me a little.
09/13/2012
Contributor: Eve12 Eve12
I think as much support as possible is great
09/13/2012
Contributor: Kitka Kitka
Quote:
Originally posted by MJ7
Yes, I agree, it's not that it's important in and of itself to have my partner there with me, looking online and picking out products with me. But his openness and support is very important to me, and so to feel that he is less than ... more
I understand it hurts a little when he becomes uncomfortable with things but in all honesty you did say it's a tough time for him as well. Just take it slow and try to be understanding with him as well. Looking at products together could be fun but obviously that isn't something he's wanting to do right now so just let it slide. If he's supportive of you in a lot of other ways the looking online part shouldn't matter as much.

Just my two cents there.. Good luck with it!
09/13/2012
Contributor: MJ7 MJ7
Quote:
Originally posted by Kitka
I understand it hurts a little when he becomes uncomfortable with things but in all honesty you did say it's a tough time for him as well. Just take it slow and try to be understanding with him as well. Looking at products together could be fun ... more
Thanks!!
09/14/2012
Contributor: Zandrock Zandrock
I think it all depends on the couple
09/14/2012
Contributor: DarthTaco DarthTaco
I think his issue is simply how new and weird this all is to him XP. My boyfriend was the same way in the beginning :'P. Actually, he's still really uncomfortable with certain aspects of it even though it's been two years and he's not straight xD. Don't forget, stuff like packers look really weird to most people :'P.

Despite his lack of comfort, I keep him involved in certain things regardless >:'D. He doesn't wanna look at anything like packers, stps, binders, surgery and pictures. He feels too overwhelmed and like he can contribute nothing :'P. Instead I show him things that might actually involve him, like stuff that might go in his anus xD. It's his butt, he might as well have a say as to what I put in it :'P.
09/14/2012
Contributor: Kitka Kitka
Quote:
Originally posted by MJ7
Thanks!!
You're welcome
09/14/2012
Contributor: brevado brevado
Definitely depends on the couple.
09/14/2012
Contributor: MJ7 MJ7
Quote:
Originally posted by DarthTaco
I think his issue is simply how new and weird this all is to him XP. My boyfriend was the same way in the beginning :'P. Actually, he's still really uncomfortable with certain aspects of it even though it's been two years and he's not ... more
haha "it's his butt, he might as well have a say as to what i put in it" xD

thank you so much for your post, that was actually QUITE comforting.

now my only issue is....well...he doesn't really like anything but my hand going near his tush
09/15/2012
Contributor: pleasurehunter pleasurehunter
I think id definitely want my partner to seem interested and accepting so.. id really want them to support me by being a part of stuff.
09/16/2012
Contributor: butts butts
I don't consult my partner about trans related products except for the ones that directly effect him (sex related things like strap-ons), I don't see it as any different than buying clothes without your partner's input. He's overly supportive of whatever I do so I'm not really concerned about involving him in tiny things like looking at new packers.

I think if your partner is uncomfortable with even looking at trans related things, he should DEFINITELY see them and be involved. If he's uncomfortable with seeing a picture of it, how is he going to react when it's on you? You should try to reassure him and make sure he's comfortable with everything before wearing something like a packer around him.
09/17/2012
Contributor: MJ7 MJ7
Quote:
Originally posted by butts
I don't consult my partner about trans related products except for the ones that directly effect him (sex related things like strap-ons), I don't see it as any different than buying clothes without your partner's input. He's overly ... more
I actually said something very similar to him, "If you can't even look at a picture of it, how are you going to feel when I'm wearing one?"
09/17/2012
Contributor: Dren Dren
In my own belief, I feel that the partner of a transgendered person should be involved, even if it's only a little bit.

As long as they are there and either helping or supporting [hopefully both!!] then that is what really matters =)

I've been discussing such things with my partner, and we're slowly working through it. I'm FtM, and when I revealed that I'd purchased my first true binder, they were ecstatic for me! I've also conversed with them about a packer, and they haven't seemed weirded out or uncomfortable at all yet. =)

Best of luck to you!! <3
09/17/2012
Contributor: MJ7 MJ7
Quote:
Originally posted by Dren
In my own belief, I feel that the partner of a transgendered person should be involved, even if it's only a little bit.

As long as they are there and either helping or supporting [hopefully both!!] then that is what really matters ... more
Thank you so much for sharing, that made me very hopeful!
09/17/2012
Contributor: mamaseatspoop mamaseatspoop
Quote:
Originally posted by Eve12
I think as much support as possible is great
I agree with you.
09/19/2012
Contributor: MJ7 MJ7
Just wanted to post a little update on my situation.

I was still upset about the fact that my partner had not wanted to see the packers online that I was considering, so I decided to write him a letter to explain exactly why his behaviour hurt me.

In the letter, I told him that I realize it's hard for him too and that I am trying my best to keep him involved but in a way that makes him comfortable.

I explained that when I finally do get my first packer, I will (more than likely) consider it to be a part of my body, and that any criticisms about it will still hurt me the same way it would if he criticised another part of my body that I was born with. I will probably also be extra sensitive about my body when I first begin wearing it around him.

To me, showing him the packers online would be a situation in which I would feel quite vulnerable, showing him a "preview" of what (a certain area of) my body will look like one day.

When he was finished reading, he hugged me and kissed me and told me he was sorry he reacted that way.

He said he was tired and in a bad mood when I asked to show him, though I feel a small part of him may have felt awkward or uncomfortable, perhaps a part of him he isn't even aware of.

I am nonetheless very happy with how the conversation went. He told me that he loves me and will support me, and that anytime I can show him the things I am looking into buying.

Yay for supportive partners!

09/21/2012
Contributor: Lavendar Lavendar
I think it's important for partners of trans people to be involved, with some aspects and what they are comfortable with.
09/21/2012
Contributor: Boyqueen Boyqueen
I think it's important that they be involved to the level that they and their partner are comfortable with.
09/23/2012
Contributor: alistair alistair
I don't really think it is anyone else business but if they are supportive then then it doesn't matter
10/15/2012
Contributor: Schattenstern Schattenstern
My partner is usually just a big help with letting me know if things I'm looking at seem realistic and whatnot, but she and I have been looking very much together for a penis to use for intercourse and she is giving as much input as I am, whereas the harness I may use would be something I look into alone because of really matters if I'm comfortable in it not how it looks.
10/16/2012
Contributor: hanjonatan hanjonatan
i can buy my own shit, but if looking at a packer makes your boyfriend uncomfortable then it sounds like there might be some issues there that y'all need to talk about.
11/01/2012
Contributor: Andrew1992 Andrew1992
I don't think it matters either way, but there are plenty of things I'd rather buy on my own. I just feel weird when my girlfriend helps me pick out a packer or whatever. Obviously I consult her if its something that could be used for sex, but otherwise it makes me feel weird.
11/04/2012
Contributor: smlove smlove
Quote:
Originally posted by MJ7
I was wondering - do you think that partners of transgender individuals should be involved when it comes to buying certain items? (Packers, STPs, etc)

I have been looking at STPs and packers online, trying to decide which one I should put my ... more
it doesn't have to do with buying, but it involves involving the partner.
before me and before she transitioned, my wife involved her girlfriends in her dress-up so that they didn't just feel they were dating a weird dude. she let them name her, because she hadn't settled on a name for herself. and that way, they felt more involved and not so weird about it.
I don't think it hurts to involve your partner when it comes to transgender issues, but if you don't want to, you don't have to.
everybody's comfort levels are different. I think opening up and sharing things with your partner, no matter what issues they have to do, helps bring you closer together. whether they're actually involved in the process, or are just shared with, the choice is yours.
when my wife gets the final vaginaplasty, I will most definitely be taking care of her. but as for any specifics, they're all up to her.
11/05/2012
Contributor: TheParrishism TheParrishism
I think being involved can be a great way for a partner to show that they are supportive. But should not be something that should be expected of them. This journey should be for you.
It could be worrisome that if they do not want to know anything. But it is a transition for them too.
11/14/2012
Contributor: Ly-Ra Ly-Ra
Quote:
Originally posted by MJ7
I was wondering - do you think that partners of transgender individuals should be involved when it comes to buying certain items? (Packers, STPs, etc)

I have been looking at STPs and packers online, trying to decide which one I should put my ... more
My girlfriend helps me pay for some things when I can't like binders, and she'll point me out to packers and things that look nice.
12/10/2012
Contributor: Mediumsizedman Mediumsizedman
Quote:
Originally posted by hanjonatan
i can buy my own shit, but if looking at a packer makes your boyfriend uncomfortable then it sounds like there might be some issues there that y'all need to talk about.
I agree. Additionally I would want my partner to be comfortable with looking at this kind of stuff with me. I don't think they have to or need to buy it or help me buy it but they should at least be comfortable in regards to it. It's a part of a trans person's life so the partner needs to be comfortable with those aspects.
12/13/2012