The New Intimacy

How did you come to believe that your cis partner(s) is seeing you as you?

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Contributor: jdFtM jdFtM
As trans people who date those who are cisgendered, it seems like there's a certain amount of uncertainty about if they can/are truly seeing you for you- not as your old gender or one you don't identify as anymore, not as some exotified play-thing... just as you are.
So how do you know?
Answers (private voting - your screen name will NOT appear in the results):
I don't know for sure. I'm still uncertain or know they don't.
9  (28%)
I know they see me for me! Write how this came to be below
15  (47%)
I don't much care. They can see me however they want regarding my gender
2  (6%)
I've never had a cisgendered partner since being trans
6  (19%)
Total votes: 32
Poll is closed
12/30/2011
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Contributor: GONE! GONE!
Well, she's never used wrong pronouns for me, always refers to me as male, and asks me about anything she thinks might make me uncomfortable (Like referring to anatomy.). Sometimes I'm paranoid and think everybody is just trying to humor me but I doubt she would go along with me so easily if she was just pretending for my sake. It's a wonderful feeling.
12/31/2011
Contributor: Chirple Chirple
At this point in my life, I don't think I could trust that much and I don't think I would ever be comfortable.

It's not that they're cisgender, it's that they haven't been where I've been, they haven't though about the things I've thought about. I'm sure some have, but it's just one of those things.

To a degree, I think, I've come so far away, I don't think I could understand them.
12/31/2011
Contributor: jdFtM jdFtM
Quote:
Originally posted by GONE!
Well, she's never used wrong pronouns for me, always refers to me as male, and asks me about anything she thinks might make me uncomfortable (Like referring to anatomy.). Sometimes I'm paranoid and think everybody is just trying to humor me ... more
Sounds like a great situation you're in- hooray!
01/02/2012
Contributor: jdFtM jdFtM
Quote:
Originally posted by Chirple
At this point in my life, I don't think I could trust that much and I don't think I would ever be comfortable.

It's not that they're cisgender, it's that they haven't been where I've been, they haven't though ... more
I hear ya. I often feel similarly.
Thanks for writing
01/02/2012
Contributor: eroticmutt eroticmutt
I have spent a lot of my life really confused and in denial about my sexuality due to a lot of external factors, and it is actually my partner who helped me accept and come to terms with everything so I know he is very understanding and supportive.
01/02/2012
Contributor: butts butts
I KNOW that my partner sees me as male not just because he says so, but the fact that he has -never- "slipped up" and called me she/her (which he says is because he can't, and never has seen me as a girl), and he uh... forgets. A lot actually. I'll be shirtless in the bathroom with him and he'll just open the door, exposing me to our roommates, even though he can SEE that I have breasts, he forgets about my female chest. He definitely finds me physically attractive, but he's overly sensitive to my self consciousness about my breasts and such. In the 3 years we've been together, he has never disrespected my gender in any way. It's really confidence boosting to have someone who ONLY views you for the person you are inside.
02/15/2012
Contributor: Aries Aries
I've dated cisgender people. Some never slipped up but their treatment of me was a little... off. And others slipped or just used offensive language flat out. Some had no idea they were being so offensive. It's a touchy subject. I've been unable to date for any period of time because of how I feel they perceive me. It's actually really upsetting. But hopefully I'll find someone who won't misgender me, cis or otherwise.
03/02/2012
Contributor: MasonM MasonM
Quote:
Originally posted by jdFtM
As trans people who date those who are cisgendered, it seems like there's a certain amount of uncertainty about if they can/are truly seeing you for you- not as your old gender or one you don't identify as anymore, not as some exotified ... more
My partner tries. He tries hard. However, he still sees the breasts more than anything else.

When I wear my binder, he at least attempts to call me by masculine pronouns, but without it? Completely female ones.

And he also says things like 'I won't ever leave you, but if you get to look too masculine, we'll never have sex again'. It's...frustrating, but we love one another, so we're both trying to adjust.
03/02/2012
Contributor: c90 c90
Quote:
Originally posted by jdFtM
As trans people who date those who are cisgendered, it seems like there's a certain amount of uncertainty about if they can/are truly seeing you for you- not as your old gender or one you don't identify as anymore, not as some exotified ... more
Sometimes I don't know. But I do know he loves me.
03/08/2012
Contributor: Alx Alx
I haven't had a partner since I began my physical transition, but I had a brief casual sex relationship with a cisguy who'd dated a trans* person prior to meeting me, so he had /some/ understanding on the subject, and was respectful when with me, luckily.
03/08/2012
Contributor: Interesante Interesante
I haven't dated anyone at all since I came out. I don't think I'd be able to be with anyone who slipped up a lot or who I thought didn't take me seriously though. I have enough problems as it is!
03/08/2012
Contributor: blixa blixa
Quote:
Originally posted by Interesante
I haven't dated anyone at all since I came out. I don't think I'd be able to be with anyone who slipped up a lot or who I thought didn't take me seriously though. I have enough problems as it is!
With you on this one -- it would be too much for me to handle, so it seems more trouble than it's worth.
03/09/2012
Contributor: nori nori
I've been the cisgender partner of two trans* people. One transwoman, one transman. and I saw them both as they saw themselves.

Granted, both were stealth when I first started talking to them. So their admittance of trans status didn't change how I saw them. It just made me more careful on how i refer to anatomy, sensitive topics, etc. But I never doubted them.
07/11/2012
Contributor: thisisadeletedaccount thisisadeletedaccount
In my first relationship, I did not feel seen as my preferred gender at all. I am now friends with my ex and can confirm that yeah, he tried to be respectful and did okay at it, but was really confused as to what my gender exploration actually meant.
I am not dating two people, one bigender femme and one cisgender woman. I'm not sure exactly what makes me so comfy in the sense that my cis partner sees me for who I am - she just does a generally great job of respecting my pronouns and body boundaries, giving me compliments that don't contradict my identity, and being really caring and attentive in general.
07/12/2012
Contributor: Phosphorous Tick Phosphorous Tick
I know she does because she's known me for so long and always refers to me as my preferred pronouns, it's a respect and trust thing.
She asked when we first started dating what she wanted me to be introduced as and since then I've just known.
07/12/2012
Contributor: thisisadeletedaccount thisisadeletedaccount
Quote:
Originally posted by thisisadeletedaccount
In my first relationship, I did not feel seen as my preferred gender at all. I am now friends with my ex and can confirm that yeah, he tried to be respectful and did okay at it, but was really confused as to what my gender exploration actually ... more
*now dating two people
Geez, that was a misleading typo.
07/17/2012
Contributor: hanjonatan hanjonatan
Quote:
Originally posted by jdFtM
As trans people who date those who are cisgendered, it seems like there's a certain amount of uncertainty about if they can/are truly seeing you for you- not as your old gender or one you don't identify as anymore, not as some exotified ... more
i came out long before we met, we were friends first, and i just never got any vibes from her that would suggest she saw me as anything but a dude. nothing's changed since we became a couple, i don't have any reason to doubt that she "gets it".
07/17/2012
Contributor: terrytas terrytas
Quote:
Originally posted by jdFtM
As trans people who date those who are cisgendered, it seems like there's a certain amount of uncertainty about if they can/are truly seeing you for you- not as your old gender or one you don't identify as anymore, not as some exotified ... more
I'm confident that they do, but it scares me that they MIGHT not... sometimes I have my own doubts and they creep into my perception of other people. Scary, scary.
07/19/2012
Contributor: Boyqueen Boyqueen
I haven't had a cis partner and I'm feel uncomfortable about the idea of it. Mostly because If feel like I'd personally need to be with someone else who is trans* because there are things that I feel that only another trans* person could wholly understand.
07/23/2012