The New Intimacy

Casual sex/one night stands as a trans guy

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Contributor: sodapin sodapin
Hi,

lately I've been struggling with how to get around having casual sex as a trans man who is stealth. This is mostly problematic because casual sex usually involves intimacy with people you aren't too familiar with, yet being trans and having sex sort of requires a form of trust and understanding (in my opinion at least).

From this, I'm curious as to whether any of you have had success with casual sex/one night stands and I'm looking for any tips or alternatives anyone may have to offer.

Thanks because I could really use some advice xD!
08/09/2012
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Contributor: Lucifer the Cat Lucifer the Cat
Quote:
Originally posted by sodapin
Hi,

lately I've been struggling with how to get around having casual sex as a trans man who is stealth. This is mostly problematic because casual sex usually involves intimacy with people you aren't too familiar with, yet being trans ... more
If you're posting an ad on Craigslist or the like, you could include that you are trans in the ad. However, there are lots of folks who fetishize trans people out there, and an ad like that could attract that type of person.
Also, how's the queer nightlife where you live? If there are clubs and bars you can go to that are trans friendly, you may have some luck there. You may run into other people who are trans or who've had trans partners before. You could also flag purple flannel. That's the color/pattern for trans men, I think. But only some people will know what it means, probably.
08/10/2012
Contributor: sodapin sodapin
Quote:
Originally posted by Lucifer the Cat
If you're posting an ad on Craigslist or the like, you could include that you are trans in the ad. However, there are lots of folks who fetishize trans people out there, and an ad like that could attract that type of person.
Also, how's ... more
Awesome suggestions! I dunno I guess I'm asking for a tad too much to want to have sex with someone who doesn't know I'm trans, mainly because I don't exactly identify as trans D: it's just y'know the cards I was dealt.

And yeah I'm worried about fetishizers too if I make it known that I'm not "anatomically male" :\. I live in Toronto so there's a huge queer community downtown, so I guess there may be a chance of running into someone who's has trans partners before, but again I'd rather be seen as male than trans.

I don't exactly know what my hang-ups are about it, but maybe it's the thought of getting stereotyped and thrown into a group that I don't really identify with :\.

Thanks for those anyway! I may just give it a go despite all this fuss I'm making xD.
08/10/2012
Contributor: TheParrishism TheParrishism
There are ways to get around the trans issue, but I often find that you can risk your safety when you expose yourself in that way to someone who doesn't know.
Depending on who you are sleeping with and how, you can keep your clothing on.
If it is just for sex, I don't think a fetishizer would be a problem. Unless they want to do something you aren't ok with, what does it matter why they want to have sex with you?
08/13/2012
Contributor: Ciao. Ciao.
Maybe it's just because I'm trans myself, but I think there are plenty of people who are either familiar with trans stuff, or open-minded enough that they can "get it" pretty quickly, especially in a major city like Toronto. You're definitely better off disclosing your trans status up-front, but using some judgment to weed out people who just aren't going to fit what you're going for is probably a smart move. Either way I'm pretty sure you'll find somebody who is happy to have casual sex with you without fetishizing the whole trans thing or having a huge set of expectations based on that.
08/13/2012
Contributor: icelandia icelandia
The safest bet would be to just come out as being trans. Unfortunately, casual sex doesn't have much of a stealth option. :/
08/14/2012
Contributor: GONE! GONE!
Honestly, I don't see a lot of ways to do it without coming out unless you're only planning to engage in acts that wouldn't get all your clothes off (I.e. giving blow jobs and not receiving or maaaaaybe receiving anal.). If I was planning to go this route I would feel safest planning it with people ahead of time (Like making ads online.) instead of cruising, but everyone's different and has different comfort levels.
08/14/2012
Contributor: sodapin sodapin
Quote:
Originally posted by icelandia
The safest bet would be to just come out as being trans. Unfortunately, casual sex doesn't have much of a stealth option. :/
Damn, that's what I thought :\.

Anyway, thanks for the suggestions here everyone! Very good points were brought up and I guess maybe I should just swallow my pride and disclose early....though that might open myself up for ridicule or otherwise D: it'll save a lot of confusion and perhaps shock later on.

It's tough having to weigh the option of disclosing something so personal to someone I've hardly met D:. Also, it's something I consider in myself to be more of a "birth-defect" (I'm aware that not everyone identifies this way) so I find it personal in that sense as well.

Thanks again though for all your responses .
08/15/2012
Contributor: TheParrishism TheParrishism
Quote:
Originally posted by sodapin
Damn, that's what I thought :\.

Anyway, thanks for the suggestions here everyone! Very good points were brought up and I guess maybe I should just swallow my pride and disclose early....though that might open myself up for ridicule or ... more
I would also look and see if there are any queer bars and spaces where you are risking less. "Straight bars" might be a difficult place to cruise. But if you can find a place where you don't have to be out necessarily, but people won't bother you if you are. Like a place were you could just be a gay or queer guy and there are other shades of the rainbow.
08/15/2012
Contributor: hjtee hjtee
I don't really have any good advice that will be useful, but I just want to tell you a snippet of my story.
I met my husband at a queer friendly bar in Halifax. After flirting all night, he was outed to me (by his friend), but luckily it has no bearing on my attraction to him. We did plan on having a one night stand....it's been over 4 years (we'll be maried for 3 in September).

In my opinion, your best bet is once you find the person you want to have casual sex with, just make sure you feel they will be okay with you as you are. If that means you have to tell them you aren't biologically 100% male in your pants, then that's the sad reality you have to face (sorry!)
Remember to always keep a friend or two around just in case anything goes wrong during your first disclosure!

I wish you the best of luck!
08/15/2012
Contributor: eroticmutt eroticmutt
To be honest if it's just casual sex and you've had enough done (ie mastectomy that did not leave large scars and hormones enough to pass well) then you could always just let your partners know you were born intersex or with a hormonal disorder/adrenal disorder/endocrine disorder, etc.

That may not fly with you, but yes it is different than transgender and you'd still be seen as a man by most people whereas there are those bigoted fools who can't get around the concept of "but you were raised as _____."

People don't see someone as neither or both. 99.9% of the public will think of you as "him" or "her", so letting them know you're a guy who was born with ambiguous genitals (yes ambiguous, not female) could do the trick.

My partner knows I am trans but I have often contemplated what I would say if I had to introduce myself to someone who only knew me as a guy (I live stealth as well) and this is basically what I would tell them. No one can deny it unless they know your previous history.

That said if that still doesn't work out for you, be careful. There are transmen who have been assaulted after having sex with a man who wasn't aware that they were different. At least this way you're letting people know you're different without making them think of you as something other than the man you know that you are.
08/15/2012
Contributor: sodapin sodapin
Quote:
Originally posted by hjtee
I don't really have any good advice that will be useful, but I just want to tell you a snippet of my story.
I met my husband at a queer friendly bar in Halifax. After flirting all night, he was outed to me (by his friend), but luckily it has ... more
This was really encouraging to hear thanks!

Gah, I'm debating whether I should just be out to everyone or stay stealth D: all my friends have no idea I'm trans and I don't really have queer ties :\. I wonder how males who have other genital differences (whatever they may be) handle situations like this because I imagine it's the kind of approach I might have to learn from.
08/16/2012
Contributor: sodapin sodapin
Quote:
Originally posted by eroticmutt
To be honest if it's just casual sex and you've had enough done (ie mastectomy that did not leave large scars and hormones enough to pass well) then you could always just let your partners know you were born intersex or with a hormonal ... more
I've been leaning towards this approach in my everyday life (explaining that I'm intersexed or similar) because that's pretty much how I view my own situation; as mostly a medical disorder. If there are any intersex persons here that would be offended by this, let me know because I'm otherwise unaware if this comes off as offensive D:.

I'd love to know more about your experiences and approaches to this situations as I feel like we may be quite similar based on how you've described your situation thank you!

Also that's terribly sad that people are attacked like that :\ I've heard a few stories as well about guys getting attacked in washrooms and other everyday locations.
08/16/2012
Contributor: snowyslut snowyslut
Quote:
Originally posted by sodapin
Hi,

lately I've been struggling with how to get around having casual sex as a trans man who is stealth. This is mostly problematic because casual sex usually involves intimacy with people you aren't too familiar with, yet being trans ... more
Me too.

Casual sex for me basically has meant Craigslist... posting in the t4m section and hoping that people understand when I say trans* guy, not get hostile, and not get really fetishizing. (Fetishes are cool, but I don't want to be objectified, you know?)

I swear to god, I have explained what anatomy I have and how I look and everything, and then at the door they get upset and leave because they thought I was a trans* woman.

/vent

For the moment, I live on a college campus in an otherwise quite rural area. Sometimes my peers are down for casual sex, which is nice, because like 95% of the people I keep company with are queer (hell,mostly trans*) and know that I'm trans* too. That might not last, or help you.

CL... just gotta have patience I guess. I have had no luck whatsoever in the bars, and actually really dislike that scene, so I can't advise there.
08/19/2012
Contributor: sodapin sodapin
Quote:
Originally posted by snowyslut
Me too.

Casual sex for me basically has meant Craigslist... posting in the t4m section and hoping that people understand when I say trans* guy, not get hostile, and not get really fetishizing. (Fetishes are cool, but I don't want to be ... more
Lol yeah I think when "trans" is brought up, there's still a huge lean towards thinking about solely MtF persons.

I'm now debating whether it'd be worth it to be involved in the queer groups on my campus <.< though it's quite a small campus so word may travel fast.

Unfortunately, I'm terribly impatient xD, but I've gotten a bit more peace of mind from everyone's experiences and suggestions on this thread so thanks again .
08/19/2012
Contributor: butts butts
For your own safety, I'd mention/post it before you even plan on getting in bed with someone, just in case they aren't ok with it. In my experience, living in a very liberal area, most folks think it's hot D: Some though, are confused, and rarely I get a person who is straight out disrespectful/not understanding or even hateful. Just be careful, you never know how a stranger is going to react, best to mention it early on.
08/20/2012