The New Intimacy

Am I being too harsh?

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Contributor: vegweg vegweg
My boyfriend has been taking testosterone for about a month now. He always had a bit of a motivation problem, but lately I can't get him to do anything. We tend to work opposite shifts and leave each other chore lists to make sure everything gets done. Well, I came home from work today and the trash and recycling hadn't been taken out, dishes hadn't even been touched, there was stuff laying around everywhere.. So, now I have to do all the dishes, take the trash and recycling out, get laundry done, shower, have dinner ready by the time I leave to pick him up from work at 8:30 tonight (he doesn't drive) and be at work again at 6 AM. I'm getting frustrated as I can't work and do all the housework while he does whatever he wants.
I was upset, so I looked at his internet history just to see what he'd been up to. (I know this seems like an invasion of privacy, but we have the passwords to each others laptops and no expectations of things remaining secret) I saw that he spent all of his time before leaving for work today playing facebook games and looking at pictures of the older woman he was about to ask out before we got together. He also sent her a message asking if she'd like to go out for coffee or lunch before classes started again. SO I changed his laptop password and sent him a text telling him why and that he wasn't allowed to go out with her if he wanted to continue a relationship with me.
I know this is a rough time for him, but it's hard for me too. And as many times and I've explained to him that I can't take care of everything (and he's agreed with me and promised to do more), things like this are still happening. I don't know what to do anymore. What do you all think?
07/29/2012
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Contributor: - Kira - - Kira -
Lots of stuff going on here.

1) Changing his passwords won't stop him from cheating if that's his intention. In fact, doing so might just piss him off and make it worse. I'm not sure why you guys have each others passwords and go through each others things. Have there been cheating issues in the past that led to this?

2) If the motivation problem existed before the testosterone, I think it's safe to assume it's an issue with him, not the drug. Maybe the drug is making it worse, but he still needs to do at least something. Talk to him. Ask if the chore list he currently has is too overwhelming. If so, find out what a suitable number of chores would be for him to do without getting overwhelmed. If the smaller list still doesn't get done, I'd say you have a big problem.
07/29/2012
Contributor: DarthTaco DarthTaco
Sorry, but the password thing made me lol a bit. If he's gonna act like a child, might as well treat him like one :'P. Seriously though, recently starting testosterone is no excuse to be an asshole (and a potentially unfaithful one at that). I'm physically disabled, and I'M not allowed to act that useless. Hell, the only reason I'm not allowed to drive is because everyone agrees I'm a weapon of mass destruction behind the wheel. Even then, I have to find a way to get my ass wherever I need to go.

Considering this is an ongoing problem, and he's time and time again broken his promises to change, I doubt that's going to spontaneously happen now. It's time to cut your losses and run the hell away from this relationship. You deserve better than being taken advantage of like this.
07/31/2012
Contributor: Big Dog Big Dog
Why the hell is he on testosterone? If you're 20, how old is he?

I take it only 'cause I'm in my late 50s and have low T (as the frecking commercials are calling it). It's natural at my age.

The side effects are it improves the hell out of my golf game, I am rather buff for a guy my age although I'll say my testicles are smaller. However, it can make a guy horny as hell. I almost feel like a 20 year old.

That all said, what you're dealing with is his laziness and with the other woman, his immaturity. You doing all the tasks around the house is enabling his laziness.

Just give him his laptop and boot him out of your life. He's got a lot of growing up to do. You need a grown up partner.
07/31/2012
Contributor: jesseftm jesseftm
I noticed that when I started T I actually started feeling a bit more motivated, less in a funk, etc. I don't think the testosterone has anything to do with these problems though. A lazy dude will probably always be lazy...speaking of I should probably do the dishes...
07/31/2012
Contributor: vegweg vegweg
Thanks for all the advice everyone. I made this post while in a really bad place emotionally. We've since talked and gotten some things figured out. I recognize and agree with those of you who have pointed out that we have some serious issues to deal with. But this is who I've spent the last two years of my life with and that seems like a lot to throw away. At the very least, we have a lease signed until May so we'll work on our problems in the meantime and if they still aren't better I'll have to seriously consider it.
07/31/2012
Contributor: vegweg vegweg
Quote:
Originally posted by Big Dog
Why the hell is he on testosterone? If you're 20, how old is he?

I take it only 'cause I'm in my late 50s and have low T (as the frecking commercials are calling it). It's natural at my age.

The side effects are it ... more
You're in the transgendered issues, love. He's 22 and just starting to physically transition. I do appreciate the advice though. My dad's about to turn 55 and I have a feeling he'd give me a similar response, which is why I generally don't talk to him about it when we're fighting.
07/31/2012
Contributor: Airen Wolf Airen Wolf
(EF Review Program Mentor)
Quote:
Originally posted by - Kira -
Lots of stuff going on here.

1) Changing his passwords won't stop him from cheating if that's his intention. In fact, doing so might just piss him off and make it worse. I'm not sure why you guys have each others passwords and ... more
I had written a long post but then saw that you guys did talk and are working things out. I hope you can get back to why you got together in the first place but if not then I wish you an amicable split. Horrible breakups really suck!
07/31/2012
Contributor: hanjonatan hanjonatan
no, you're not being too harsh. but honestly, changing his laptop password? wtf? you need to just break up with him if you're going to be resorting to things like that. your relationship just sounds unhealthy all around. the stuff with the other woman, him being lazy... that's all on him.
08/01/2012
Contributor: Big Dog Big Dog
Quote:
Originally posted by vegweg
You're in the transgendered issues, love. He's 22 and just starting to physically transition. I do appreciate the advice though. My dad's about to turn 55 and I have a feeling he'd give me a similar response, which is why I generally ... more
Ah, transgendered... Sorry, my miss.
Is he going MtF or FtM? Did I miss that?

Still, laziness is a "lack of self" issue. Low self esteem could have a lot to do with it.
08/01/2012
Contributor: sodapin sodapin
Quote:
Originally posted by Big Dog
Ah, transgendered... Sorry, my miss.
Is he going MtF or FtM? Did I miss that?

Still, laziness is a "lack of self" issue. Low self esteem could have a lot to do with it.
Often, those taking testosterone are FtM and referred to by male pronouns (e.g., he, him, his). There's a HUGE variety to this of course D:.

Also, I've been feeling somewhat apathetic and "lazy" lately as well despite coming up on 1.5 years on T. It's hard to be motivated to do things sometimes (like get a job) when there are still barriers in the way. Example: I haven't completed my name/gender change on my legal documents or had surgery, which makes it hard to just get up and go do things in life.

This could lead to someone maybe getting a bit depressed or stuck in a rut D: so perhaps just talk it out with him and maybe express your concerns, or he may be able to discuss things with a therapist.
08/02/2012
Contributor: Big Dog Big Dog
Quote:
Originally posted by sodapin
Often, those taking testosterone are FtM and referred to by male pronouns (e.g., he, him, his). There's a HUGE variety to this of course D:.

Also, I've been feeling somewhat apathetic and "lazy" lately as well despite coming ... more
Thanks. I was confused.
08/02/2012
Contributor: butts butts
Quote:
Originally posted by Big Dog
Why the hell is he on testosterone? If you're 20, how old is he?

I take it only 'cause I'm in my late 50s and have low T (as the frecking commercials are calling it). It's natural at my age.

The side effects are it ... more
He's transsexual, if you didn't notice, this was posted in the transgender issues forum
08/03/2012
Contributor: butts butts
Honestly, even if you have each others passwords, I think going through his history and messages was incredibly invasive. Couldn't you have just talked to him instead?

And if anything I'd think the T would make him more active, I notice a bit more energy since I've been on it. This sounds more like a problem with him, sounds like he's hiding some feelings from you and looking to someone else for support.

Communication in a relationship is key!
08/03/2012
Contributor: TheParrishism TheParrishism
I am in a long term relationship as well so I know how these things can get tough.
Personally, I feel that T hasn't changed anything in me. I am not a lazy person, and I don't think that has changed at all.
He might be feeling a bit friskier, which may contribute to his talking to that girl.
Communication is the biggest factor. Send me a message if you ever want to talk.
08/15/2012