The New Intimacy

For those who had to work on their confidence in the bedroom - any advice? (AKA Chili's in a panic)

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Contributor: Chilipepper Chilipepper
I've had a rather weird, convoluted path with my sexual experience (ie: I've been celibate longer than I was virgin, and my previous experiences have been limited to impatient guys), and I still feel like I haven't left the damn drive while everyone else has been around the block.

I'm thirty-five, and I still haven't mastered "getting over myself" when having sex. Whenever I feel that I "should" be doing something at some point, I get frustrated and end the whole encounter. (C is a fucking SAINT for putting up with my neurotic tendencies and not criticizing any of it.) Example: unlike every other woman, cowgirl doesn't do much for me, and I have the rhythm of an epileptic drunk, and I can't seem to find any information on what movements I can make, anyway. Being told "You can't do anything wrong, so just do whatever feels right." doesn't tell me anything.

I also can't climax from PIV sex, which irritates me. (Yes, I know not everyone can, but I've managed to do with it a dildo.) I can't shut off my mind to really enjoy anything - totally high strung. It gets old that the only way I've been able to climax is by missionary and rubbing my clit. (Admittedly, all the strenuous activity does result in a Zen brain state afterwards.)

Has ANYONE been able to "get over" themselves? How is it done?? C is willing to do anything to help out, but he doesn't know what to do about it, either (his vast experience has never had him deal with anyone as neurotic as me). What do I need to do to accept that I shouldn't have to know everything and allow myself to make mistakes and to learn? Is there some mind altering thing that won't make me flunk a drug test that can settle me down?

My sex instinct is broken. How do I fix it?
01/14/2013
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Contributor: Ex-prude Ex-prude
I recently did this myself. You really just have to find the inner sex kitten. Accept it. Love it. Use it. Be the one in control. When you walk up to him, know that you are a goddess. It's your mind that is your road block, so get past it. Once you get in the right mood, nothing can stop you.
01/14/2013
Contributor: Ansley Ansley
I used to hate to be on top. I always felt awkward. Thought my boobs bouncing in his face was the most ridiculous thing ever and as our relationship deepened and I got more comfortable the rest of it just kind of flowed (cowgirl is all about the hips, bump and grind not just one or the other).

A glass of wine or a stiff drink before you start to play might help you as well. I'm not saying drink the whole bottle, but enough to get a light buzz so that it shuts off that voice in your head.

Another thing that might help is when you are on top, just kind of straddle him and let him put his knees up and launch the action. Once he starts to get a good rhythm going, you'll see the opportunity to take over.
01/15/2013
Contributor: Trysexual Trysexual
Can't he use a vibrator on your clit while you are on top? or a wearable vibrating cock ring? You can gyrate your clit on his pubic area instead of bouncing up and down too.
01/15/2013
Contributor: P'Gell P'Gell
Quote:
Originally posted by Chilipepper
I've had a rather weird, convoluted path with my sexual experience (ie: I've been celibate longer than I was virgin, and my previous experiences have been limited to impatient guys), and I still feel like I haven't left the damn drive ... more
Chili, honey, chill out and enjoy yourself!

I've been having sex since I was 16 and have not gone more than a few weeks without sex (a month once when I was at Uni, away from My Man and hadn't found a fuck buddy I trusted yet) since my cherry was popped and.... I still have no rhythm with Cowgirl or reverse cowgirl (I hate both of these positions, so we usually don't engage in them, unless he really wants it badly) I rarely usually can't come from PIV (unless I have just had an orgasm or more from oral and my Wahl) and still have an amazing long sex life!

You can get off from rubbing your clit during Missionary?! That's fantastic! I can't do that. Consider it a gift!

I KNOW being told "chillax" is silly, but really just lying back, having a good timemoving in time to whatever sexual groove you hear, engaging in your favorite fantasy (while still paying attention to whomever is in your bed) and getting carried away with the fun is the key to it.

Everyone "looks weird" having sex. It's really not like in the porn, where your hair stays perfect and you.... well y'know. Sex is messy, it has awkward moments, you sometimes bump heads or he puts his hand on your hair or puts his knee on your hair and your scream... not from pleasure, he (or she) zigs while you zag, weird noises happen (the other morning, My Man had his arm wrapped around my leg when he was going down on me, and his arm pit kept making farting sounds, and we ignored it as long as we could... finally he said, "Jeez, that's annoying! Sorry!" and we had to make some awkward adjustments to avoid the strange noises... and we've been fucking each other for.... over 20 years! And enjoying all of it.

Practice does not make perfect, but it does tend to help. So, have sex with your man as much as you can. Don't worry about your "performance" ; and do what ever you do to enjoy yourself. I find if I lose myself in the moment I have a better time than if I am worrying about stuff like "Does he think I smell funny?" "Why did he stop? Is he tired of sex now?" "Why did he do that?" "Should I make more or less noise?" "OMG! Did I take the laundry out of the dryer?" only sabotages me. Not that I never think these things, but I make myself stop if I start.

Lose yourself. He's enjoying himself, he's enjoying you. YOU enjoy yourself, you enjoy him! Concentrate in what it feels like. It's the best key to good sex.

Good to hear you have a lover. Make the best of it... without worrying about "trying" too hard. You're good enough!

Nuff said.

01/15/2013
Contributor: MrWill MrWill
Quote:
Originally posted by Chilipepper
I've had a rather weird, convoluted path with my sexual experience (ie: I've been celibate longer than I was virgin, and my previous experiences have been limited to impatient guys), and I still feel like I haven't left the damn drive ... more
My best advice for confidence: Realize that your partner is there with you, and they enjoy it or they wouldn't be.




As far as letting yourself just enjoy sex: You have to first realize how insanely awkward sex is. Imagine for a second that you had no idea what sex is, why it is done, or anything about it... and then you see two people fucking.


It looks horribly awkward, painful, and amusing.


Sex is different for everyone, but completely the same. Let go of how you think it should be, and just let it be.
01/15/2013
Contributor: Cosmonaut Cosmonaut
I know what you mean. I am a bit taller than my partner so I feel even more awkward. I don't feel sexy on top, just clumsy and amazonian...
01/15/2013
Contributor: Chilipepper Chilipepper
Thanks for the replies, everyone.

I've had a serious talking to with myself and pretty much (like P'Gell said) to enjoy it and be in the moment instead of focusing on performance. Really, C is an honest-to-God saint for accepting me being like this, and is slowly encouraging me with "letting the mind go". Besides, trying stuff out needs practice - it can't be done Right the first time. I keep forgetting that.
01/15/2013
Contributor: Ansley Ansley
Quote:
Originally posted by Chilipepper
Thanks for the replies, everyone.

I've had a serious talking to with myself and pretty much (like P'Gell said) to enjoy it and be in the moment instead of focusing on performance. Really, C is an honest-to-God saint for accepting me ... more
Sweetie, he's not an honest-to-God saint for dealing with this; this is what people in relationships are supposed to do when they care for one another.

Welcome to the world of a healthy relationship.
01/15/2013
Contributor: WhoopieDoo WhoopieDoo
Quote:
Originally posted by Ansley
Sweetie, he's not an honest-to-God saint for dealing with this; this is what people in relationships are supposed to do when they care for one another.

Welcome to the world of a healthy relationship.
Right on.

You're just not used to being in a healthy relationship with someone who really flippin' cares about you. Time heals all wounds (although sometimes wounds do leave wicked scars after they've healed. Think.....Frodo), so it should get better with time if you just keep reminding yourself that this guy isn't like all the other bastards you've been with.

You have given your mind to this person. Giving your body to him (the way you desire to) is a way of showing love for him AND for yourself.
01/15/2013
Contributor: Chilipepper Chilipepper
Stormy, Copperhead - you two are wonderful to point that out! I'm in tears. I love you both.
01/15/2013
Contributor: WhoopieDoo WhoopieDoo
Quote:
Originally posted by Chilipepper
Stormy, Copperhead - you two are wonderful to point that out! I'm in tears. I love you both.
01/15/2013
Contributor: Ansley Ansley
Quote:
Originally posted by Chilipepper
Stormy, Copperhead - you two are wonderful to point that out! I'm in tears. I love you both.
01/15/2013
Contributor: Ansley Ansley
Quote:
Originally posted by WhoopieDoo
Right on.

You're just not used to being in a healthy relationship with someone who really flippin' cares about you. Time heals all wounds (although sometimes wounds do leave wicked scars after they've healed. Think.....Frodo), so ... more
Well said.
01/15/2013
Contributor: Airen Wolf Airen Wolf
(EF Review Program Mentor)
Quote:
Originally posted by Chilipepper
Stormy, Copperhead - you two are wonderful to point that out! I'm in tears. I love you both.
Awwww honey just focus on how you feel and what feels sooooo damn good. Make sure your loving man knows when he's doing it right and try things out...you'll build some memories together and that makes for some FUNNY conversations later on.
RELAX Ms. College Graduate and have some fun...don't worry about making it look pretty or making every experience the best ever. There's no need for the pressure.

Enjoy a man who WANTS some raunchy sex and get on with your wild self. Muah!
01/15/2013
Contributor: *Camoprincess* *Camoprincess*
Quote:
Originally posted by Chilipepper
I've had a rather weird, convoluted path with my sexual experience (ie: I've been celibate longer than I was virgin, and my previous experiences have been limited to impatient guys), and I still feel like I haven't left the damn drive ... more
I can relate to the not being in Cowgirl or Reverse Cowgirl I honestly only like missionary,doggy an well pretty much anything that doesn't involve me on top. I am more so worried about my weight since I am a lot larger then my partner. Like Stormy I don't like my boobs flopping everywhere let alone my fat "/ I always feel like I am crushing him so I don't really focus. The one time I did get on top I let go an stopped trying to focus on the whole act an he enjoyed me being on top. Embrace it hunnie, if you ever want to talk you can shoot me an email
01/15/2013