The New Intimacy

What Makes Sex Toys Second-Best?

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Contributor: Kynky Kytty Kynky Kytty
I was discussing the topic of 'Sex toys being a substitute to a partner or not' with a friend this weekend, and at one point, I almost felt like I was getting out of arguments. The person was not very open to sex toys to begin with, and I'm not used to defend the use of sex toys. So I need some help.

We're all said it, toys do not and will not replace a loving partner. At least, I really do believe so or I would not be longing for a partner right now. But why? My arguments were that you cannot have a connection, an intimacy with toys. So yeah, maybe it's the woman in me that thinks of this issue on an emotional level, but it's different when you analyze it in a way that is strickly physical...

What do you respond when they say, 'What if I give her oral sex with a toy and then I penetrate her, is she not going to feel anything?' That's the part where I'm stuck, because I do not know... I've never had anyone play with me before sexual intercourse. How true is that? I mean some people here use large toys and then have intercourse with I believe a normal-sized penis. And yet, you can still feel it? Well, yes, I know you do, but how much does the toy affect your appreciation? Does it even make a difference? It's been so long since I've touched a penis, people, I need some feedback.

What are your thoughts?
07/18/2010
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Contributor: Tim Kerrick Tim Kerrick
Quote:
Originally posted by Kynky Kytty
I was discussing the topic of 'Sex toys being a substitute to a partner or not' with a friend this weekend, and at one point, I almost felt like I was getting out of arguments. The person was not very open to sex toys to begin with, and ... more
sex toys can't cuddle with you, or listen to you talk about your day.

sex toys are like the worst men. there for pleasure and nothing else.
07/18/2010
Contributor: Kynky Kytty Kynky Kytty
Quote:
Originally posted by Tim Kerrick
sex toys can't cuddle with you, or listen to you talk about your day.

sex toys are like the worst men. there for pleasure and nothing else.
Hahaha, I know you. Thanks for making that quote more permanent.
07/18/2010
Contributor: Envy Envy
I think toys, really, liberate women (and men) who can't do things with their own hands and who lack a caring and helpful partner who wants them to reach their goals. That said, I think toys are the best with self rediscovery, but they can't cuddle you or hold you when you cry.

I honestly think of them as tools. They are just tools to help you get the job done. Just like men have hammers and saws and all that jazz, we have our own toys.

Just my 2 cents.
07/18/2010
Contributor: Blinker Blinker
For me, right now, I'm building up a toy arsenal because I am already in a long-distance relationship and it will become HELL when he leaves next month to go to China for 10 months. I see my toys as a way to get me off when I am horny and can't be with him. But when he gets back, we will be moving in together and starting a new life, and my sex toys won't be thrown to the side. He likes to watch me put on a show and he uses them on me a lot.

I'm not attached to my toys. I mean, I'm a very materialistic person so yes I AM kinda attached to them, but not intimately. They're just battery guzzlers that nuzzle my clit when my baby's away.
07/19/2010
Contributor: Kynky Kytty Kynky Kytty
Quote:
Originally posted by Blinker
For me, right now, I'm building up a toy arsenal because I am already in a long-distance relationship and it will become HELL when he leaves next month to go to China for 10 months. I see my toys as a way to get me off when I am horny and ... more
Yeah, that's how I see toys too. I'd love to include them during sex, and to give a good show for a boyfriend.
07/19/2010
Contributor: Annemarie Annemarie
I will have to agree with all that's said here, with an addition:

A sex toy is like... chocolate. It makes me feel good for a few minutes, but the love doesn't last beyond the last swallow.
07/19/2010
Contributor: Kynky Kytty Kynky Kytty
Quote:
Originally posted by Annemarie
I will have to agree with all that's said here, with an addition:

A sex toy is like... chocolate. It makes me feel good for a few minutes, but the love doesn't last beyond the last swallow.
Funny, today I also came up with:

Toys is to sex as truffle is to chocolate. No matter how fancy you go, you're still going to like it as is.
07/19/2010
Contributor: Misfit Momma Misfit Momma
I don't know. The times he has used toys on me during oral/foreplay and then moved on to intercourse I have been able to feel everything and it is still nice and tight. We have tried fisting, (once) and even then were still able to have normal, tight sex afterwards..as far as I'm concerned the vagina contracts back to normal quickly after you remove the toy if you have the pc muscle control! Shrug, maybe it's just me.

As far as being a substitute. No. Many nights I lay in bed wishing I had someone to hold me, rub against me, breath on my neck...grabbing a toy for a quick orgasm doesn't make the longing go away.
07/19/2010
Contributor: ToyTimeTim ToyTimeTim
Never had a problen with 'after toy sex'. Always feels the same to me, but we do not have a toy bigger than me.

I have to agree with Goth in that they are tools. I use to make my living with tools (mechanic) and I spent way more on them that I have on the wife. (before you say something I have been buying tools for 30 years only 20 years for the wife). The point is I don't sleep with them and I will not bring them breakfast in bed the next morning.

At the same time If I/she needs to get off we need to get off. This is were tools come into play, we can not always find the time together for sex. I can go take a shower or a 'nap', get off and not worry about kids asking "why are you taking a second shower today"

They are also tools that have made our sex lives together a lot better.
Of course if I had to chose... I think you know the answer.
07/19/2010
Contributor: PassionQT PassionQT
Toys are great for when we don't have time for a nice long sex session, which is most of the time at our house. Sometimes we manage to find ten minutes for a quickie, but it's a lot easier to sneak off alone and get the job done while the other partner keeps an eye on the crew.

Toys don't kiss and don't talk dirty though.
07/19/2010
Contributor: Chilipepper Chilipepper
Cuddling. Even with my celibate ex-husband there was cuddling. I miss that a lot.
07/19/2010
Contributor: Ciao. Ciao.
Sex toys aren't fulfilling in the way people are...because they're not people. They don't interact in the same ways, they aren't emotive, they just don't have life to them.

However...I don't think of sex toys as being second best. They fulfill a different role, often one that compliments a person. How many partners would want to take the role of a butt plug for an extended period of time? Could anyone match the vibrations created by a vibe with their own body? Toys create a variety of sensations and experiences that really fill out sex lives and give variation. A partner is not always around and a partner sometimes needs and extra tool to really spice things up...and that's where toys can come in.
07/19/2010
Contributor: kck kck
Quote:
Originally posted by Blinker
For me, right now, I'm building up a toy arsenal because I am already in a long-distance relationship and it will become HELL when he leaves next month to go to China for 10 months. I see my toys as a way to get me off when I am horny and ... more
I agree. I'm also in a long-distance relationship, so toys help me get off when I'm alone. Plus, my partner loooves watching me use them on myself (via Skype, hehe). And when we are together, he loves using them on me. A penis can't vibe or be cold as ice or as strangely textured (unless it's been weirdly engineered). And by the same token, a toy can't really pulse, swell, cum, have skin, or have a human body and soul attached to it. I consider them to be completely different sensations, even though they might both result in O.

I think what it boils down to are issues of jealousy and trust: Do you trust your partner enough to know that a toy can't replace you? Are you jealous of his/her ability to enjoy him/herself without you? Because if so, you should probably cut off their hands, since they're kinda like toys too, I guess.
07/19/2010
Contributor: Kynky Kytty Kynky Kytty
Quote:
Originally posted by Chilipepper
Cuddling. Even with my celibate ex-husband there was cuddling. I miss that a lot.
It's what I miss the most.
07/19/2010
Contributor: Alicia Alicia
It's the connection, the warmth, the surprise of feeling since you're not in control with a partner.

As for feeling the partner after toy play, yes you still can, I'm actually even more sensitive to my husband after toy play because I'm warmed up. If I was using a dildo that was larger than him, maybe I wouldn't be as sensitive to him, but we don't normally use anything like that during sex.
07/19/2010
Contributor: Envy Envy
Hm, i wonder if I'm the only one who's bf actually WANTS me to use a toy bigger than himself on me. (Something about trying to stuff it in turns him on big time.)

But i can understand about not using bigger ones pre-PIV sex.
07/19/2010
Contributor: Alicia Alicia
Quote:
Originally posted by Envy
Hm, i wonder if I'm the only one who's bf actually WANTS me to use a toy bigger than himself on me. (Something about trying to stuff it in turns him on big time.)

But i can understand about not using bigger ones pre-PIV sex.
My husband likes that sometimes too, we just don't normally do it right before PIV sex.
07/19/2010
Contributor: P'Gell P'Gell
Quote:
Originally posted by Kynky Kytty
I was discussing the topic of 'Sex toys being a substitute to a partner or not' with a friend this weekend, and at one point, I almost felt like I was getting out of arguments. The person was not very open to sex toys to begin with, and ... more
Maybe I have an extra elasctic-ey vagina, but neither My Man or I have noticed any difference when we use toys pre-PIV sex. I have a Fun Factory Boss Lady, which is pretty big (My Man and I have discussed whether it's bigger than him or not, I say they are about the same (hell, I play with both of them more, and I've measured both) and he thinks the Boss Lady is a little bigger) But the Toy doesn't change shape and size, doesn't respond or get aroused, it doesn't have any feelings, it doesn't really "respond" to my efforts and also neither of us notice any problem when we use it, or any other toy before we have PIV sex. PIV sex feels wonderful, whether we have used a toy before or not. It's HIM that turns me on. The toy is just a tool, and it helps sometimes, but I still want HIM!

Kytty, I kind of felt like I had to defend our use of toys in the thread you were talking about, tool. I don't want to argue with anybody. I also don't like it when people are close minded about things they don't know anything about, especially when they haven't experienced them, and I got the sense the thread you were talking about was this situation.
07/19/2010
Contributor: P'Gell P'Gell
I'm trying to find the original thread which this one refers to and I can't. Do you have a link?
07/19/2010
Contributor: Kynky Kytty Kynky Kytty
Quote:
Originally posted by P'Gell
I'm trying to find the original thread which this one refers to and I can't. Do you have a link?
Sorry, I was quoting the topic of the discussion. I was having outside Edenfantasys. There is no other thread. It was a one-on-one conversation with a friend reticent to using toys for the reasons I mentioned.
07/19/2010