The New Intimacy

Trying to have sex

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Contributor: ashely19 ashely19
Long story short I was sexually abused as a child. I started to get to know my boyfriend early freshman year in highschool, towards the end that year he helped me out of that situation on my father is now behind bars. We started dating the middle of junior year.

Anyway

It has been a while and I dont get why I cant just have sex with him. I love to masterbate, and do it usually twice a day. I just get so scared in sex. Of the past two years we have tried countless times we have only succesfully done it several times. Of those few times I was horrified and didnt like it, I more just laid there and took it. My boyfriend sees it in my eyes and stops. I feel bad cause I cant make him cum like most girls please there boyfriend.

I am seeking help thought a theripist but was wondering if anyone else has some advice?
04/28/2012
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Contributor: Ryuson Ryuson
(Review Program Mentor)
Quote:
Originally posted by ashely19
Long story short I was sexually abused as a child. I started to get to know my boyfriend early freshman year in highschool, towards the end that year he helped me out of that situation on my father is now behind bars. We started dating the middle of ... more
Well you really have to ask yourself why you get scared and don't like it. Do you get flashbacks? Does it remind you of a past bad experience? Do you not feel ready for that level of emotional vulnerability with him yet? Is it something that is going on in your current relationship with him that's causing the problem?

You really have to figure out what the problem is before you can start to work on a solution. If it's between you and him than you really just need to talk and see what happens. Don't leave him in the dark, make sure you tell him everything you're feeling so that you two can work with it.

If it's all because of you, tell him that, too. Figure out why and work through it. If it's something that you need to tell someone or something you feel ashamed about it sounds like he's a great person to confide in.

Best of luck!
04/28/2012
Contributor: Bex1331 Bex1331
"I feel bad cause I cant make him cum like most girls please there boyfriend."
This could just be how you phrased it but if this is truly the reason you want to have sex that's part of the problem. You won;t be okay until you are doing this for YOU not him. Start slow, maybe just thrust against him with his penis between your legs but without penetration? Maybe you'd be better if you were on top instead of him as well, that way you feel in control of the situation. Not having been sexually abused I cannot speak from experience so please forgive my ignorance but as I understand it the worst thing about a sexual assault is the feeling of having power taken from you and a feeling of violation. I think to have sex after an experience like that it needs to be with someone who you feel totally safe with and you need to eliminate any pressure (from yourself and from others) and take back control, this is something you are choosing to do for YOU. It may be helpful to even not think about sex, just spend time touching and being close to him. Lay naked together, just feel close to each other, and when the time is right then you will have sex, but there's no rush.

It is also important to separate the idea of sex with the memory of what happened to you, that was a violent attack, sex is a loving act between two people, remember this and eventually you will be able to share that with him, for now find other things that you can do to feel close and sexually satisfied.
04/28/2012
Contributor: shySEXXaddict shySEXXaddict
Quote:
Originally posted by Bex1331
"I feel bad cause I cant make him cum like most girls please there boyfriend."
This could just be how you phrased it but if this is truly the reason you want to have sex that's part of the problem. You won;t be okay until you are ... more
I agree completely with Bex1331..it is something you need to do for you and you do need to try to seperate it from what happened to you,and regain control.remember that this is something you have complete control over..good luck.
04/29/2012
Contributor: ashely19 ashely19
I want to do it for me as well, and enjoy sex like I would masterbating. I also want to do it for him, but me as well. I want to do it for both of us as I think in a relationship both partners should get pleasure from sex.

I trust him totally and love him. He knows why its hard and is very understanding.

Lately the times we tried the positions we tried were ones were I am in control as thats what was suggested by my theripist.
04/29/2012
Contributor: Khanner Khanner
There are other ways you two can have sexual pleasure together than just penis-in-vagina, if that's what you're having trouble with. You could masturbate together, or try oral. So even if you don't feel ready for sex you could still give and receive pleasure that way.
05/01/2012