The New Intimacy

Sex really sucks! - Counseling

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Contributor: Dragon Dragon
Please treat this thread and me with respect and courtesy. I've cried enough. I am not looking for your advice. You don't know where I am, what I've done or how hard I've worked, and I really don't need to hear just one more time "you need to try to communicate..." I need hugs, understanding and maybe the stories of people that have been there. Maybe by being honest- other people will to.

My sex life really sucks. Last Monday after finally getting to a place again where I was actually relaxing and starting to enjoy sex again. He completely lost it at midnight because the entire "scene" did not match his goal.

I don't want sex. I'm not sure how I ever will again right now. Willing to try, yet I'm afraid if it goes that wrong one more time I may not ever try again. I'm seriously looking at counseling, and he just translates that as complete failure.

We communicate better than anyone I know. I'm exhausted because of staying up talking too late. I sleep happily next to him.

Has anyone felt this way? Has anyone went to counseling specifically because they felt that sex was the major and only problem. What happened?
02/11/2009
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Contributor: Nashville Nashville
Quote:
Originally posted by Dragon
Please treat this thread and me with respect and courtesy. I've cried enough. I am not looking for your advice. You don't know where I am, what I've done or how hard I've worked, and I really don't need to hear just one more ... more
I've talked to my Mom about her sexless marriage. When she reached her 40's she just lost all interest in sex. Of course my father was a habitual cheater so that wasn't very helpful when it came to how she viewed herself sexually.

To date she hasn't had sex in over 15 years. She seems miserable. She cries, she's lonely- but she says that she just doesn't view herself as a sexual person anymore- she used to be, I have the scars of catching my parents having quickies when I was a kid to prove it- lol.

Counseling will only work if both persons within the couple agree to it. If your husband isn't receptive or really isn't keen on the idea, it may not be helpful to you both. Even if you really want things to change, he has to want change just as badly as you do. He has to have faith in the counseling sessions that they're going to improve your relationship both sexually and emotionally. If he looks at it as a load of bullshit than you're fighting an uphill battle.

It doesn't sound like you guys communicate very well at all, especially if he loses his temper because a scene didn't go the way he wanted- if there had been fluid communication throughout, the entire scene would have been flawless and you both would have been happy with the end result.

You may feel like your communicating but are you saying the right things? Are you really talking about the important issues? Having a professional come in and ask the questions that need to be asked may help resolve a lot of the problems you're having with your partner. You never know until you try.

I will tell you though, have a go at counseling before you swear off sex completely. Even if he doesn't want to, what about just personal sessions for you?
02/11/2009
Contributor: Nashville Nashville
Sorry to give advice- I know you didn't ask for it, but it's all I can give. Sex isn't as regular in my marriage as I'd like it to be but our sexual relationship never got to the point where we discussed counseling.
02/11/2009
Contributor: tantric tantric
All I can say is I feel your pain.

My Long time partner just claims to have grown apart from me, I don't want to go into any deep details. At this point we still love each other but she is "not in love with me".

Though we are not married after dating then living together for five years we may as well have been. She doesn't want to try counseling either. She says she is not comfortable talking about these things with others.

I know what you mean about communication advice. I communicate all day and all I get back are "I don't know" statements.

This has been beyond frustrating for me because I am a VERY spiritual and sexual person, so I feel as though I'm loosing my soulmate, best friend and sexual partner. I cant imagine long periods of time without sex, but I don't enjoy meaningless sex and one night stands.

Good luck.
02/12/2009
Contributor: Adriana Ravenlust Adriana Ravenlust
Quote:
Originally posted by tantric
All I can say is I feel your pain.

My Long time partner just claims to have grown apart from me, I don't want to go into any deep details. At this point we still love each other but she is "not in love with me".

Though ... more
Respectfully, if you're not getting helpful answers then you are not communicating. It is a two way street and if only you are doing it, then you're just talking "at" someone, not communicating.


I'm sorry DBD. I'm just not sure what's going wrong for you and I think your post was a little vague. However, I hope that what you need to do becomes clear and you are able to enjoy yourself and sex once more.
02/12/2009
Contributor: Cinnamon Chambers Cinnamon Chambers
*HUGS* hope it gets to a point where you can be happy and comfortable soon.
02/12/2009
Contributor: Sammi Sammi
Hugs! I hope everything works out for you .
02/12/2009
Contributor: Luscious Lily Luscious Lily
*hugs* Being able to communicate on so many levels, then coming up against a complete brick wall like that, is heartbreaking. We're here for you, whether you need a hug, a shoulder to cry on, or someone to rant to. I hope everything works out, and sooner rather than later.
02/12/2009
Contributor: Victoria Victoria
I think anyone would feel frustrated and sad in a situation like yours, so please do not think you are alone.

Make sure you take care of yourself and get enough sleep so that the rest of your life does not suffer.

It’s hard being the one to bring up counseling – and I think most people have to warm up to the idea when approached about it. The kneejerk reaction is to be defensive, so keep that in mind and just don’t give up on the plan if you really want to get help.
02/12/2009
Contributor: Naughty Student Naughty Student
In the past I had sort of an episode for a while and felt really depressive. I would have sex and feel like my partner was using me and the more we had sex the more I hated it. One day we were having intercourse I felt like I was being forced to and didn't like it; I started to cry! My partner got very angry bcs he wasn't using me at all and it frustrated him that I would push myself to have sex with him when I really didn't want to.

As long as I didn't change my negative perception of our sexual relations I would always feel disgusted by the act.

I agree with SD that if you decide to go to counseling it is an effort that both you and your partner will have to make. If he is not motivated to improve himself, it will NOT work. It is hard to go to counseling and tell a stranger very personal things. But, counseling in general helps depending on the commitment you have to the therapy. As in the pink has stated the knee jerk reaction is to be defensive/denial and that needs to be overcome in order to resolve your issues.

What ever you decide to do to cope with your situation believe that your are not alone and that many here at the community (including me) are concerned and care about your well fare.

Good luck to you and your partner *bear hug*
02/12/2009
Contributor: Mariye Mariye
For me, I started having sex during my junior year of high school, which means inexperienced partners. I had three partners throughout high school and never had an orgasm. I have had two partners in college so far and still no orgasm. Sex was not something I physically enjoyed, and I only partially enjoyed it emotionally.

So I think that affected some of my relationships. It was very frustrating. Unfortunately for women, it's all about that darn mindset, which I still haven't gotten down. Still looking for that orgasm.

I guess the best thing to do is not pressure yourself so much about having good sex.

Sorry I couldn't offer much help. Just like Naughty Student said, remember that you're not alone! :]
02/12/2009
Contributor: Dragon Dragon
Thank you so much for the hugs, and the email that I got. They mean a lot right now.

Sleeping Dreamer- I appreciate hearing about your mother.
Naughty Student - I really appreciate hearing your story. There is a lot that rings there.

Yes, I was vague. I don't want this thread turning into my life. I said we communicate very well. I'd also probably admit that at this point in time that communication on "sex" alone isn't working. So would he.

But the relationship is far too wonderful to give up on, and we don't have other issues.

What I really want to know has anyone actually found that counseling works when you really are just addressing sexual issues?

Thanks for the hugs and understanding. They make me smile.
02/12/2009
Contributor: Adriana Ravenlust Adriana Ravenlust
Quote:
Originally posted by Dragon
Thank you so much for the hugs, and the email that I got. They mean a lot right now.

Sleeping Dreamer- I appreciate hearing about your mother.
Naughty Student - I really appreciate hearing your story. There is a lot that rings ... more
I think, if you can find the right therapist, it can help. But finding someone who is sex positive and you're comfortable with can be such a struggle that many people only feel more frustrated and give up trying to find help.
02/13/2009
Contributor: Liz2 Liz2
Quote:
Originally posted by Dragon
Thank you so much for the hugs, and the email that I got. They mean a lot right now.

Sleeping Dreamer- I appreciate hearing about your mother.
Naughty Student - I really appreciate hearing your story. There is a lot that rings ... more
You are so not alone!
Does counseling work? Obvious answer, yes and no but with the right counselor and a positive disposition counseling can make things better. Addressing just sexual issues? Sex as we all know is so fucking complicated that the underlying issue may very well be somewhere else, patience is the key here.
I work with a counseling center....the "answer" can be elusive but with a positive attitude and patience it can and usually does surface.
A friendly suggestion... also try Yoga. This has helped me in so many ways and has decreased my overall impatience with myself.
Hugs and good luck...we are with you....
02/13/2009
Contributor: Dragon Dragon
Quote:
Originally posted by tantric
All I can say is I feel your pain.

My Long time partner just claims to have grown apart from me, I don't want to go into any deep details. At this point we still love each other but she is "not in love with me".

Though ... more
Tantric,
I'm so sorry that you are at the end of your relationship. That must be both frustrating and hard. Especially since she is willing to give up. Hugs.
02/15/2009
Contributor: Dragon Dragon
Quote:
Originally posted by Naughty Student
In the past I had sort of an episode for a while and felt really depressive. I would have sex and feel like my partner was using me and the more we had sex the more I hated it. One day we were having intercourse I felt like I was being forced to and ... more
It means so much to me that you would share this difficult time in your life. Thanks.
02/15/2009
Contributor: Airen Wolf Airen Wolf
(EF Review Program Mentor)
Quote:
Originally posted by Dragon
Please treat this thread and me with respect and courtesy. I've cried enough. I am not looking for your advice. You don't know where I am, what I've done or how hard I've worked, and I really don't need to hear just one more ... more
Wow DBD that really sucks. I send you many virtual hugs. I went through a very similar problem with my husband from which we are still in recovery. There is hope hun, though it's not an easy path. While I can't recommend our solution I can say without any doubt that you should seek counseling for yourself, even if he is unwilling to attend. You need someone who can listen without judgement, and who isn't emotionally invested in the outcome. Besides when you get yourself to a better place emotionally you will be much more able to detach from his emotional issues with love and support. Get yourself well and then he has a choice: follow or move aside. The good news is that most people choose to follow so it's worth a try. Even if the worst happens you'll be leaving better off than where you are now.
It has been a long hard road for both my guys and I but we all know where you are and hope that you will get the help you need, either by you seeking it out or by the intervention of a loving friend.
Sex isn't about reaching a predetermined "goal" it's about connecting to a loved one intimately and I do hope you two can achieve that again...when you've exhausted the topics and each other sometimes counseling is just another way of looking at the issue and achieving balance. As it's been said many times real communication leaves both parties feeling like they have been heard (if not understood) if you are frustrated and sad afterwards you haven't been heard and therefore you haven't communicated. It's a two way street and neither person is 100% to blame. Sometimes when you don't know how to rationalize things to yourself it is impossible to explain it to another person emotionally needing to be heard and reconnect. Either way best of love and luck to you both, I am available if you just need someone to vent too. Be gentle with yourself and each other,
~Airen
02/23/2009
Contributor: Airen Wolf Airen Wolf
(EF Review Program Mentor)
Quote:
Originally posted by tantric
All I can say is I feel your pain.

My Long time partner just claims to have grown apart from me, I don't want to go into any deep details. At this point we still love each other but she is "not in love with me".

Though ... more
Aww Tantric that is so horrible. Hugs to you as well! Sometimes when a person doesn't know what they want they stop communicating and it seems that that is what your ex has done. Same advice to you though...if your partner doesn't want counseling then nothing is stopping you!
Also, best of love and luck to you as well as your ex.
~Airen
02/23/2009
Contributor: Airen Wolf Airen Wolf
(EF Review Program Mentor)
Quote:
Originally posted by Dragon
Thank you so much for the hugs, and the email that I got. They mean a lot right now.

Sleeping Dreamer- I appreciate hearing about your mother.
Naughty Student - I really appreciate hearing your story. There is a lot that rings ... more
In a nutshell yes counseling can work even if you are only addressing a specific issue. Sex is a complicated emotional issue and can relate to every part of your life. I strongly urge you to try it out.

~Airen
02/23/2009