The New Intimacy

My Boyfriend is Paranoid About Pregnancy

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Contributor: NakedArtichokes NakedArtichokes
Related to: 
The Secrets of Lust, Desire and Arousal in Women
I need help. I started having sex with the man that I am completely in love with in February. It started off great and I realized that I am a freak in bed and it was so much fun! The thing is, over the summer, I had a lot of stress with resulted in depression and many emotional problems and my boyfriend didn't seem to be able to help me relieve myself sexually because he became paranoid about me getting pregnant. Emotionally, he was great! But I wanted to have sex as an outlet to relieve my stress and tension and let go. Unfortunately, there were a could incidences when the condom slipped off, but I take birth control!!! What ended up happening was that the day before I left to go back home for break, we had sex and the condom slipped off, he freaked out, I started crying because he freaked out and I just wanted him to love me and then he waited anxiously for my period. My period was being funky and a lot more erratic than usual so he convinced himself that I was pregnant. Even though, I was not AT ALL.

We've talked about this over the past few months since I went back to New York and he told me that the summer really kind of scarred him. I have been really supportive and trying to help him not be afraid of having sex anymore and we even stopped for a while, although we didn't stop the hand jobs and blo jobs. Eventually we started up again, but it was too much for him and now we are not doing anything again.

I want to be there for him and support him, but I don't know what to do to help him or why exactly he's still caught up in the summer time! In the meantime, I'm getting anxious and I feel like my sexuality has changed. I used to be spontaneous about sex and want to surprise him and do nasty things, but now I don't know if I could do that even if he was ready because I am afraid to be disappointed and embarrassed. What if he isn't ready and I'm there going crazy? I'll feel super awful! Also, I realized that he can't make me come anymore, not during sex or oral or hand jobs. I think it's because of the state of our sexual lives but he doesn't seem to understand that and he takes it personally when I tell him that I didn't come.

What can I do?
12/28/2010
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Contributor: PussyGalore PussyGalore
First, get smaller condoms. Clearly, they are the wrong size. In my entire sexual history, I have had (1) condom break and (2) slip off and we used them consistently for 3 years.

Second, his paranoia about you becoming pregnant suggests deeper fears of intimacy and those need to be addressed.

Third, throw a couple of pamphlets his way. There's a lot of hype about how easy it is to get pregnant but if you talk to the couples who have been trying for years with no luck, you'll soon realize it isn't as easy as they say.

The not orgasming issue - you don't trust him to let yourself go completely anymore because of his (childish) reaction to a pregnancy scare.
12/28/2010
Contributor: VanillaFreeSex VanillaFreeSex
go over the numbers with him. the effectiveness of the pill, plus then using a condom! I think it is great that he stresses some, its usually just the chic stressing. go over other options for backup birth control.

get him to open up and see if there is something emotional behind it.

and keep in mind there are LOTS of ways to have sex, even kinky sex that does not involve pregnancy risk. and then you could save intercourse for during your safer days of your cycle. Which could be further reassurance for him. If your cycle is 26-32 days long, avoid intercourse days 8-19.

the lack of orgasm....that is of course because you are having problems and are not on the same page with your sex life.

planned parenthood is a good resource for education and options
12/28/2010
Contributor: Tori Rebel Tori Rebel
Quote:
Originally posted by PussyGalore
First, get smaller condoms. Clearly, they are the wrong size. In my entire sexual history, I have had (1) condom break and (2) slip off and we used them consistently for 3 years.

Second, his paranoia about you becoming pregnant suggests ... more
I completely agree with PG on the orgasm issue - you're not letting yourself relax and enjoy it.

I also agree that you should delve deeper into his pregnancy paranoia. To be concerned it one thing, to stop having penetrative sex is another! Once you find properly sized condoms, maybe an additional contraceptive product (a diaphragm, vaginal contraceptive gel, vaginal sponges) could ease his mind? If THREE methods of birth control, two of them being barrier forms, aren't enough reassurance for him, I think there are definitely deeper issues to deal with.

Good luck with this!
12/28/2010
Contributor: Two Loves Two Loves
Neither me nor my girl would like kids, that being said we were both paranoid for a long time. She is on The Ring and we still used condoms. When my girls gyno found out that we were still using condoms even though we were completely monogamous and she had been on the ring for more than a year, she though we were crazy paranoid. It was this that convinced us to forgo the condoms and trust the birth control. If your gyno feels the same way perhaps your boyfriend talking to her about the effectiveness of correctly used birth control will ease his paranoia. That being said I must agree with many of the other comments made here that there seem to be deeper issues at this point than just the paranoia of getting pregnant.
12/28/2010
Contributor: moonch1ld moonch1ld
Quote:
Originally posted by VanillaFreeSex
go over the numbers with him. the effectiveness of the pill, plus then using a condom! I think it is great that he stresses some, its usually just the chic stressing. go over other options for backup birth control.

get him to open up and see ... more
Like vanillafree said go over the numbers and facts with him. If you are using birth control pills and condoms together correctly the chance to get pregnant is virtually absent. That in combination with only having sex during your non-ovulation period (at least at first for even more reassured protection) should be enough to eliminate the fear of pregnancy and if problems still persist there is a deeper issue.
12/28/2010
Contributor: Darling Jen Darling Jen
Although I agree that the condoms don't seem to fit, because they should not be able to slip off that easily or that often, I also don't think you should be dependent on anyone but yourself to feel satisfied and fulfilled, even sexually. Don't put all the pressure on him to please you and complete all of your fantasies because then it becomes a job for him and not part of the lovely intimacy of a relationship. Do some solo work and thoroughly enjoy yourself. Then invite him in and when he's ready, he'll come.

Also, I don't think it's all that immature or childish to be concerned about pregnancy. It's much better to be overly concerned and abstain when having doubts than to not give a damn and continue doing it even when there's warning signs. Even though it may hurt and confuse you, it's much better for both of you to be able to talk it out first, have that emotional connection established, and together discuss and asses the risks of sex.

About the ease (or lack thereof) of getting pregnant: The younger you are, the easier becoming pregnant is. So never assume that just because couples in their early 30s are struggling to try and get pregnant that it means 18 and 19 year olds are going to have the same trouble with it. Be relieved that your boyfriend takes pregnancy so seriously! Maybe he's just really not ready to accept the possible risks in order to have sex. No reason to be mad about him being honest and careful. But that's where toys and good self-love come into play.

Just talk to him openly, honestly, and let him know that you want him to be happy. So if he's not ready, he can feel safe and comfortable enough to admit that to you. If he his and just wants to take more precautions in preventing pregnancy and the spread of STDs, go to a planned parenthood for some more information and condoms. And if it's something else entirely (like not being ready to be in a committed, serious relationship) then maybe you can be friends, split on neutral terms, and you can move on to someone who's ready for the step you are. Just stay positive, look within yourself for satisfaction, and be safe!

Good luck!
12/28/2010
Contributor: UnknownGirl UnknownGirl
There may be some deeper issues that need to be addressed, but I certainly wouldn't say him being paranoid about pregnancy is something negative. I think people need to be a little more paranoid about it. I agree that it isn't childish to be scared about unwanted pregnancy. If anything, it seems he is trying to be responsible.
12/30/2010
Contributor: Illusional Illusional
My boyfriend and I are both paranoid about it.
I am easygoing about it outwardly cause I was raised in a big family, but on the inside I'm SCARED as shit.
Even when I go to Planned Parenthood, there's that tiny bit of fear.

He loves me, and I love him but we aren't ready for kids.
Talk to him about why he is so afraid of it
Cause if you want kids one day and he doesn't, you may need to decide what to do about it.
12/31/2010