The New Intimacy

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Contributor: Tart in Tartan Tart in Tartan
So I've been married for 3 years to a great guy, and I'm looking for ways I can increase my sex drive/desire/repetoire with my husband. I was raised in a Christian home and unfortunately trained myself to never really think about sex (I'm glad I never got it ingrained in me that sex is bad or evil, but I learned to basically just shut off that part of my brain/body). I've definitely made progress in the last 3 years, but my husband is much more adventurous and has a WAY higher sex drive than me, and I really want to step it up for him (and for us).

FYI, I am not interested in porn or in anything that would be extremely physically abusive or degrading.

Mainly what I'm looking for is advice on how I can develop a better sex drive, get sex on my mind more frequently, and learn to quiet the little voice that always says, "I can't have sex right now because of..." xyz practical reason/excuse. What are some things I can do to get more excited and interested in sex? We have a few fun toys already, and when we DO have sex, I enjoy it. But, I seem to rush through it anyway so that our lovemaking sessions are usually no longer than half an hour or so.

My husband has been super patient with me, but he also wants me to become a more active participant in our sex life -- me initiating it more, exploring new positions/scenarios, etc. One of my biggest fears is that I may just not be built to enjoy a huge variety of positions; what if I'm always going to be perfectly content with our standard 3-4 positions? I feel this burden to turn myself into some kind of sex goddess for my husband, because he has expressed his wish that I would always be looking for new things to try. Is it really unusual for a couple with a healthy, happy sex life to only have a small measure of variety (generally speaking)?

Anyway, I could keep rambling forever. Thoughts and tips are welcome!
09/19/2012
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Contributor: bentoverlover bentoverlover
Quote:
Originally posted by Tart in Tartan
So I've been married for 3 years to a great guy, and I'm looking for ways I can increase my sex drive/desire/repetoire with my husband. I was raised in a Christian home and unfortunately trained myself to never really think about sex (I'm ... more
Wow. You almost perfectly described my first 20 years of marriage. I was raised Christian too (still am!) in a nothing town in the Midwest. I was told on my wedding night the only advice I ever got: sex is how babies are born.

Enter my Mr. Perfect. Nice, young, strong virile (wew,getting myself worked up here). I was Mrs. Prim and proper. I didnt like going down on him, didn't like his playboys, wouldn't try anything outside of the house, save one time he convinced me to have sex in a field, but only at night when he had assured me multiple times it was abandoned.

And the problem is exactly what you described: my head got in the way of my sex drive. "I shouldn't now because..." turned into many nights of neither of us happy. It led us both to feeling like we were trapped in our marriage: him to a prudish wife, and me to a guy that just didn't feel like helping out around the house, was getting bigger, was making "gross" sex requests, etc.

I will tell you what turned it all around for me: we moved to a larger city for his work. The sex used in advertisements and whatnot had an effect. I realized that there was an entire segment of the population that was walking in sexual freedom that I lacked.

Here is the basic premise that started everything: you have to change your thinking from "I am a good girl trying to enjoy sex more, but I wanna do it in a responsible fashion" to "I am a wanton slut that is going to drain my husband at every possibility". Because cm on, sex is fun. You ever gotten muddy/dirty/in a food fight? At some point, you have to accept that you are a dirty girl that likes lusty things, and learn to love it. Honestly, I would take off any restrictions you have on yourself for awhile and go for it. Be sexual. You can always decide later to change things, but I would immerse yourself in the sexual. Masturbate everywhere. Look at everything. Figure out which kitchen implements could get you off. Go commando to church. Lubricate a finger and stick it inside your butt while masturbating in the shower. You are a slut. Think of yourself that way.

Sluts get excited about all things sexual, and dont think about it too much. It has changed the dynamic around our house too. My husband has turned into the most romantic, happy, eager to help around the house person ever(he knows that once we get started, there is a good chance I will jump him in the middle of it). He has dropped 20 pounds (all the sex helps), is kind, caring, and sympathetic to my needs. In response, I have given him my anal cherry, done him in bathrooms, countless amounts of road head, joined the mile high club 3 times, and even did him on the beach. It becomes a game of "where can I do hubby?". He comes home happy knowing there is a high likelihood that I will tell him "I'm not wearing underwear, I found a great free porn site, I want you to come home and do me while we watch another couple go at it.". Oh yes,you need to love the porn. At least temporarily. You are trying to learn how to go after your husband without looking at the industry that is based around just that. Look at it as a learning experience, you will find out how the girls act, and you can get some ideas for your activities. You might even find out some fetishes you never knew you had (I never thought I would love having my nipples pierced and pulled..but now I'm wet just thinking about it.)

Let go. Just accept your are a dirty girl that is going to swallow, is unhappy when her husband is not under her, and loves orgasms.
09/19/2012
Contributor: Basalt Basalt
Have you gotten specifics from your husband about what he wants during sex, or is his complaint more general? I would guess that it's not the number of positions he's interested in, but just in trying something new. He probably has some specifics in mind but I don't know if he's shared them with you.

I understand it can be hard to be pressured to initiate sex when that's not how your mind and libido work. Perhaps instead you can offer to satisfy some of his fantasies? I would suggest getting more detail about what your husband wants (one or two detailed positions / fantasies / scenarios) and trying one of them that doesn't make you uncomfortable. This takes the pressure off you to be creative and you can just go with whatever he suggests. If you're willing to try new things, at least once, and try to enjoy them or enjoy that they make your husband happy, I expect that would get the process started. You might find new things you like too, without worrying about whether your body is "built" for new things.

Along the same lines of having your husband lead, have you tried some light bondage? If your husband complains that your sex is short, maybe he'd like to tie your hands to the bed and be the one to control how long sex takes. It doesn't have to be degrading. There are many attractive hand cuffs on this site that are affordable and good for beginners because they are easy to get out of if necessary. Of course it's a little more difficult if your husband is the one that wants to be tied up, since you don't feel you're ready to lead in such a situation, but hopefully you can both find something new you want to try.
09/19/2012
Contributor: unfulfilled unfulfilled
I'm a Christian too and there's nothing wrong with wanting to please your husband and have a good sex life. That's very important in any relationship.

Do you like wearing lingerie? I love lingerie and if I feel pretty and sexy then I'm more apt to have sex. Has he expressed an interest in roleplaying where you could dress up in a costume and pretend to be someone else for the night. You can be a nurse, schoolgirl, cop, teacher, whatever your hearts desire.

If you're looking for new positions you could always look into Kama Sutra. I don't know if you have an i-pad or android tablet or something along that line, but in the app store they have free app's for sex positions and such. You could look at the app(s) and see if there was a new position that you might want to try and you could say to your husband, why don't we try this tonight and show him what you thought looked fun. You would be initiating it and doing a new position all in one.
09/19/2012
Contributor: edenguy edenguy
The website "christian nymphos" may be of some value to you

link
09/19/2012
Contributor: P'Gell P'Gell
There are a lot of ways to amp up your sex life.

First, you need to make it a priority, not "Oh, it's Saturday night. I guess I'll give in to get it over with, or I'll never get any peace." THAT attitude contributes to more divorces and unhappy marriages (not to mention triggers affairs in the unlucky few) than anything else.

How to think more about sex? Read erotica. Much of it (much available on Eden) is geared towards woman (NO NOT "50 Shades" crap. REAL sex laden erotica. I'd start with one of the "Best Erotic for Women (whatever year)" edited by Violet Blue or Alison Tyler. Pick a year and start. They are all good.

Get a set of Kegel Balls and use them. These not only tone the muscles in the vagina and the pelvic floor, but get you aware of yourself as a sexual being. Eden has plenty of Kegel Balls, and these. here's a few good ones.

I do have to agree, watching porn together can help. If it really bothers you at this time, read some erotica (maybe even out loud to your husband or have him read it to you) until you start thinking, "Hey, I wanna see some of this stuff!" Watching people get it on WILL get you in the mood.

I have to mention that the more often you have sex, the more sex you want. You have to DO IT and WANT to do it to increase your sex drive.

If your sex drive is abnormally low (say you want sex less than once every week or two weeks) make sure you make a GYN appointment to make sure your hormones are working properly and being released in the right amounts and make sure your thyroid isn't too low or too high. Any of these problems can cause a low sex drive, medically.

My Man and I found that pursuing the Eden catalog online together, thinking about our next purchase is really helpful. We usually end up getting it on before we even choose what toys we want.

Good for you for wanting to BLOOM as a sexual being! Keep up the good work.
09/19/2012
Contributor: Khanner Khanner
Just remember that sex is about your pleasure, too. Sexual repression will cause you to downplay and dismiss your feelings and sensations. Replacing your pastor and parents' control of your sexuality with your husband's may not result in the kind of liberation you're expecting. Exploring your sexuality because of a "burden to turn [yourself] into some kind of sex goddess" will not get you anywhere. Once you have control of your own pleasure, you'll be able to please him more openly. It can't go the other way around.

Have you ever made yourself blush in private? What were you doing then? I say do more of that.

Another goal I'm seeing is not to rush. My advice is to stop making goals once sex is initiated. Focus on what you are doing and how it feels as opposed to what you SHOULD be doing and how you SHOULD be feeling.
09/19/2012
Contributor: lovelybothways lovelybothways
I know this is hard to accept, but I think you are quite likely gay or bisexual. Barring a hormone issue, the lack of a sex drive is instinctual. Your Christian family likely didn't allow you the freedom of expression (like mine didn't either), and you married a guy that looked good on paper, but you feel no passion for him (again, like me).

Do you find yourself looking at other girls? Justifying it because "she dressed so cute". Do you find yourself actively turning up your nose or say disparaging things at girls that are dressed provocatively, and refusing to dress that way yourself? I'd be willing to venture you do. You have been conditioned to not accept that natural side of yourself, so you extend it into any portion of your life in which the femininity you desperately crave is displayed. Kinda like that priest in hunchback of Notre dame.

I know because that is what happened with me. I am very bisexual but I was told from childhood that I was evil for thinking the way I did. So I dragged it into my first marriage and couldn't figure it out. After it ended, when I was really drunk, I made out with one if my close friends. It all clicked. I agree with the people above here. Watch porn. However, make sure you watch a girl solo touching herself. I would guarantee you find a piece of yourself that you have been missing.
09/19/2012
Contributor: bentoverlover bentoverlover
Oh yes, the benwa balls. Going to a party with something inside you is delicious anticipation. Ever been at a wedding a known you are wetter than the bride? . Dancing with them in usually leads to me shoving him into the bushes or rushing home. If the venue has a darkened balcony...
09/19/2012
Contributor: biandshygirl biandshygirl
I agree with lovelybothways. You are likely bisexual (probably not gay). I found out when I found myself attracted to vivacious women. At first, I thought I wanted to be their friend soooooo much, it made me happy just to be around them.

I'll give you the starting point that did it for me: I started picturing them naked. The softness of their bosom, the curves of their sides, the swell of the hips, the soft inner thigh whose junction holds such tender pleasures. When I masturbated, I started thinking it was them touching me where I wanted/needed it.

Having been with a girl, I can tell you that the lips and fingers on a woman are so much softer, the sex is so much more relaxed and focused on the fun, rather than the goal. Slow and languid, just exploring one another, with no sense of mission or time. Just exploring.

The next time you see an attractive woman, imagine her naked, inviting you to play intimately. It'll change your life.
09/19/2012
Contributor: bentoverlover bentoverlover
So what do you think girl? We are all here to help you have better sex..
09/20/2012
Contributor: Tart in Tartan Tart in Tartan
Sorry for the delayed response, guys! I really appreciated all your comments, and I started putting some of it into practice almost immediately. We just spent a long weekend in Vegas and it was an awesome way to just let loose and not hold back or make any excuses. I mean, we were in Vegas for Pete's sake -- anything goes! I know I still have things to deal with and it isn't going to become magically perfect overnight, but we are doing way better already and I'm definitely more excited about sex than I ever have been before.

For those of you who suggested or insisted that I must be gay or bisexual, well, thanks for the opinion, but I disagree. I am 100% in love with exactly ONE man and zero women. I was made to be with him and I believe that completely, so any further comments in that direction will pretty much be ignored (no offense).

All the other tips are super appreciated! I've started being more vocal about what I like and don't like, and I'm asking my husband if there is something specific he wants or feels like we're missing, and trying to keep my mind as open as possible.

Anyway, I'm always open to more ideas and suggestions, so please don't be shy.
09/28/2012
Contributor: Basalt Basalt
Great, glad to hear it!
10/03/2012