Can sexual compatibility improve over time in a relationship — or does it need to be there from the start for the relationship to work? Is bad sex necessarily a deal-breaker? A reader wrote into EMandLO.com recently to ask us this -- she's madly in love, but the sex sucks (you can read her letter here). So what would you tell her?
Does does bad sex always have to be a relationship deal-breaker? - from Em and Lo
08/04/2010
- 1
- 2
- 3
- 4
- 5
In my opinion it IS a deal-breaker. I thought at one point in my life that I was being shallow by thinking so, and I also believed that the sex would improve...so I married him. A few years later, I realized I was SO wrong to think I could live that way and left him. There were definitely other factors as well but the fact that we were not at all sexually compatible was a big one. It could depend on the person though, but for me the physical connection in a relationship is very important so if that connection is missing or just not clicking right, it won't work for me.
08/04/2010
I was in the same boat as Tori - our courtship had a couple of attempts and I thought 'we can work on this during the marriage', but it never ended up working and he began blaming his low libido on me for 'expecting too much' (later found out I had perfectly healthy and reasonable expectations). The marriage was bad anyway - not just the sex part - so it had to end after years of me thinking 'I have to live with my mistake and settle for what I got'.
So, according to the writer, she says that there's a physical problem and he's being a guy by not wanting to talk about it. Does he actually value the relationship as much as she does? Does he value it enough to actually WORK on it? Therapy is an option at this point. Just don't let other people tell you you HAVE to settle for less - unhappiness is worse than anything else.
(And it annoys me how the one responder is trying to shame her for wanting to enjoy a particular aspect of sex that she's always enjoyed - I found people who do that don't enjoy it themselves, so they try to shame everyone else for liking it.)
So, according to the writer, she says that there's a physical problem and he's being a guy by not wanting to talk about it. Does he actually value the relationship as much as she does? Does he value it enough to actually WORK on it? Therapy is an option at this point. Just don't let other people tell you you HAVE to settle for less - unhappiness is worse than anything else.
(And it annoys me how the one responder is trying to shame her for wanting to enjoy a particular aspect of sex that she's always enjoyed - I found people who do that don't enjoy it themselves, so they try to shame everyone else for liking it.)
08/04/2010
Sexual chemistry isn't always consistently great, so I personally say it is not a deal-breaker.
I say to the letter-writer: talk about it, work on it, try better lubes, use hands and mouths to deal with his girth, have him use toys on you, and masturbate with each other, while you wait and see if the sex gets better.
I say to the letter-writer: talk about it, work on it, try better lubes, use hands and mouths to deal with his girth, have him use toys on you, and masturbate with each other, while you wait and see if the sex gets better.
08/04/2010
If the sex was bad and I was really in love, I'd definitely see a sex/relationship therapist and do everything I could to improve it before leaving. Sex can usually be made much better with a healthy dose of communication. However, if it didn't improve (or if he wasn't working to improve it with me), I'd be outta there! Sex isn't everything, but it's an important part of a relationship.
08/04/2010
Quote:
Yeah, communication is very important in this situation. If he's not going to open up about what's going wrong, then obviously he doesn't value the relationship, and vice versa. It's not an ultimate deal breaker until it becomes a lasting problem that affects other arenas.
Originally posted by
Victoria
Sexual chemistry isn't always consistently great, so I personally say it is not a deal-breaker.
I say to the letter-writer: talk about it, work on it, try better lubes, use hands and mouths to deal with his girth, have him use toys on ... more
I say to the letter-writer: talk about it, work on it, try better lubes, use hands and mouths to deal with his girth, have him use toys on ... more
Sexual chemistry isn't always consistently great, so I personally say it is not a deal-breaker.
I say to the letter-writer: talk about it, work on it, try better lubes, use hands and mouths to deal with his girth, have him use toys on you, and masturbate with each other, while you wait and see if the sex gets better. less
I say to the letter-writer: talk about it, work on it, try better lubes, use hands and mouths to deal with his girth, have him use toys on you, and masturbate with each other, while you wait and see if the sex gets better. less
08/04/2010
Quote:
I completely agree with this. It sounds like she's ready to give up before exploring all of her options. The key thing is here is to keep talking and exploring together. If the relationship is as great as she says it is, I don't think it's worth throwing away. At least not until options are exhausted and/or the relationship sours.
Originally posted by
Victoria
Sexual chemistry isn't always consistently great, so I personally say it is not a deal-breaker.
I say to the letter-writer: talk about it, work on it, try better lubes, use hands and mouths to deal with his girth, have him use toys on ... more
I say to the letter-writer: talk about it, work on it, try better lubes, use hands and mouths to deal with his girth, have him use toys on ... more
Sexual chemistry isn't always consistently great, so I personally say it is not a deal-breaker.
I say to the letter-writer: talk about it, work on it, try better lubes, use hands and mouths to deal with his girth, have him use toys on you, and masturbate with each other, while you wait and see if the sex gets better. less
I say to the letter-writer: talk about it, work on it, try better lubes, use hands and mouths to deal with his girth, have him use toys on you, and masturbate with each other, while you wait and see if the sex gets better. less
08/04/2010
It amazes me how people get deep into relationships and don't really know much about their significant other. Way before moving in or getting married you must have figured out the obvious things about communication, sharing, tolerance, family, religion, sexual preferences, etc. Pay attention - it's your life!
Granted people change over time - that's a different story. If you've somehow grown in different directions, I agree with those who suggest trying to working out a solution. If that doesn't work out - don't make the mistake of a re-bound relationship. In my opinion the sooner you find someone new, the more likely you are to make the same mistakes. I suppose that's a different topic - sorry for rambling!
Granted people change over time - that's a different story. If you've somehow grown in different directions, I agree with those who suggest trying to working out a solution. If that doesn't work out - don't make the mistake of a re-bound relationship. In my opinion the sooner you find someone new, the more likely you are to make the same mistakes. I suppose that's a different topic - sorry for rambling!
08/04/2010
Quote:
It is a deal breaker, IF it can't be fixed. Sometimes it takes getting to know one another, sexually, and the sex can seriously improve if you've got two people who can talk about it and find out what each other's needs and wants are.
Originally posted by
Em & Lo
Can sexual compatibility improve over time in a relationship — or does it need to be there from the start for the relationship to work? Is bad sex necessarily a deal-breaker? A reader wrote into EMandLO.com recently to ask us this -- she's madly
...
more
Can sexual compatibility improve over time in a relationship — or does it need to be there from the start for the relationship to work? Is bad sex necessarily a deal-breaker? A reader wrote into EMandLO.com recently to ask us this -- she's madly in love, but the sex sucks (you can read her letter here). So what would you tell her?
less
But if ya can't even talk to each other about it and how bad it is... oh just put the entire relationship out of it's misery now... it's cheaper than divorce later!
08/04/2010
Total posts: 9
Unique posters: 9