The New Intimacy

Boyfriend of 2 years not interested in sex...

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Contributor: Pumpkin Lady Pumpkin Lady
We've talked about it. Numerous times. What it boils down to is I'm a sexual person, and he really isn't.
There's talk of marriage, we live together...in two years I would say we've had sex anywhere between 20 and 25 times. Maybe.
I really love him, but I've had better sexual encounters with people I didn't love. It doesn't feel like there's any passion or interest from him. We've accepted that it's caused from his stress and he doesn't deal with it like most people do (ie: have sex!)
Girls, guys, what would you do? I really just don't know what to do?
03/19/2009
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Contributor: Nashville Nashville
If you love him than you sacrifice (he should do the same for you). Accepting a marriage proposal and then walking down the aisle is a commitment that you'll love him regardless of how much sex you have. However, it's also a promise that sex 20 or 25 times every 2 years is enough for you. Is it? Can you live with having sex 12-15 times a year for the rest of your life?

My husband doesn't want sex as much as I do but he sacrifices for my happiness as well as me sacrificing my contentment for him, I'll squirm for a few more days until he works up the stamina to give me a nice good railing. Has your boyfriend done that for you? Has he pushed aside his little interest in sex in order to fulfill your needs? If your answer is "no", than is this really someone you want to dedicate the rest of your years to?

Unfortunately, when we have sex before we find our "one", it leaves the option of being able to compare our "one" with the others before them. We often size up and say- "well, his dick's a little smaller than so and so" or "I wish he ate my pussy like blah blah", or "he just doesn't have the stamina of bachelor #5". If you're comparing him to other people than chances are he isn't the one. If you're already thinking about what he is and what he isn't than it sounds like there's some doubt within you that the relationship just isn't working.

If you're looking for options because you do want to stay with him, Have you discussed open relationships so that you can feel fulfilled while still in a romantic relationship with him?

Have you bought a few sex toys and proposed the idea of using them to him? Or left them on the bed for him to find?

Have you laid naked in your bed waiting for him to come home? Do you greet him at the door in sexy negligee?

Do you text him dirty messages or even naughty pictures to get the thought in his head that, "hey, maybe today is a good day to have sex!" ?

Have you put a porno on in hopes to pique his interest?

Have you dropped his pants while he was doing dishes, his taxes online, checking sports scores etc. and given him a blow job right then and there?

If you've exhausted all resources and your lack of sexual activities is making you unhappy than re-evulate your relationship. Trust me, it's better to be open and honest now and move out before hearts are broken than to live the remainder of your life in a sexless marriage that has made you absolutely miserable.
03/19/2009
Contributor: Backseat Boohoo Backseat Boohoo
Sleeping Dreamer's post is great, and there are tons of posts like this on the livejournal.com sextips community as well.

If you ask me, there are two basic ways this could go: you two could meet in the middle, or you could separate. If you choose the first option, you both may have to give up some things, or maybe you will have to change certain parts of your lifestyle to fit together better. Some people's sexual appetite fluctuates rather frequently over their lifetimes. If you choose the latter...well, you may just not be sexually compatible. Sexual compatibility is huge for me, but it isn't for some people.
03/19/2009
Contributor: tantric tantric
what the hell is going on here? I mean seriously. First I read the post about women who can't get their men interested in lingerie. Now It's women who can't get their men interested in sex.

something must be wrong with me!!!

I love lingerie and I want to have sex all the time.

My ex gf could never keep up with me, and I just had to take matters into my own hands at times.

I don't know the specifics of your situation but if you really LOVE him I would get some counciling and fast. Find a good one that you can both trust. It may be hard to get him to consider it, but it sounds as if he has an abnormally low sex drive that may be psychological or even medical. unless he is willing to address these issues head on things won't change and may get worse.

Non of my comments are meant to be offensive so please don't take them the wrong way.
03/19/2009
Contributor: ScottA ScottA
Perhaps you can find a way (through counseling or talking) to see what his attitude will be like after marriage - it's possible he is just uncomfortable at some level with having sex before you're married and this is showing itself as a reluctance to have sex at times. You never know, and it would be worth it to explore if the rest of your relationship is good.

If his sex drive is just low you might want to talk about other ways he'd be willing to have sex with you - toys, masturbating you, oral..., and if these would be acceptable to you
03/19/2009
Contributor: Pumpkin Lady Pumpkin Lady
Quote:
Originally posted by Pumpkin Lady
We've talked about it. Numerous times. What it boils down to is I'm a sexual person, and he really isn't.
There's talk of marriage, we live together...in two years I would say we've had sex anywhere between 20 and 25 times. ... more
These are great responses, thank you everyone for your thoughts. I'll have some thinking to do as well, admittedly I haven't tried everything Sleeping Dreamer has suggested, but you'd think lying on the bed naked would spark something! He's not interested in porn or toys, he said they weird him out.

It's not an easy task to have to be the only one to put any creativity or thought into making it happen and be rejected time after time. I'm really willing to do everything before I give it all up, but it does take time to get up the courage to approach him again (and again). I wish he would understand what an undertaking this is for me!

Sleeping Dreamer, thanks. Your writing is always great. I appreciate it!
BB: true. I feel like I've given up a lot (sex every day vs once every couple months) the only thing is, for him to "give something up", I can tell he's not happy to. You may be right about separating. Not sure. Which brings me to---
Tantric and Scott A: Counseling, yes. I think it really will have to go that way. I hope he understands how important it is to go with me! He's kind of guy about it, apprehensive to talk to someone. I know he feels inadequate and I'll consider it a great compromise on his part. And Tantric nothing you said was offensive, no worries. Thanks guys!
03/19/2009
Contributor: Red Red
Quote:
Originally posted by Pumpkin Lady
These are great responses, thank you everyone for your thoughts. I'll have some thinking to do as well, admittedly I haven't tried everything Sleeping Dreamer has suggested, but you'd think lying on the bed naked would spark something! ... more
If it's important to you, it's important. He needs to meet you at a middle ground, and that needs to be mutually agreed upon. Easy to say, hard to make happen. I feel for you!

It's not for everyone, and you need to be brutally honest with yourself and each other about whether it is or not, but there's always the less oft suggested but oft taken route of opening up your relationship to some extent. Worked for me, anyways In my situation, I tried all the stuff that SD suggested and the end result was that he felt worse about not having a sex drive to match mine. I stress, however, that this was MY experience, and perhaps I went about it poorly. Opening our relationship took years, and neither of us had outside partners till we were really comfortable with the idea. But funny thing, somewhere along the line of bashing it out, the pressure over our mis matched sex drives dissolved away. Remember too, this doesn't mean a free for all or whatever - whatever form a relationship takes is purely unique to that relationship, no matter what the degree of openness. You gotta do what's right for you, you know?

It's a long process and a lot of honesty is required. But then, so is counseling. Even if that is so not for you...whatever you do, do not marry till this has been sorted. You deserve happiness on all fronts - don't sell yourself short!
03/19/2009
Contributor: Machina Machina
I'm in a sort of similar situation, girl. There's some really good advice in another thread called "an orgasm a day".

Sleeping dreamer gave some really great advice. This really is a matter of what both of you are willing to sacrifice for the sake of the relationship. I know how frustrating it can be having a male partner less interested in sex than you are. I found using sex toys when my man's not at home helps to me cope with getting less sex from him than I'd like. This helps me to feel satisfied, and quit begging him for sex all the time. After a week or so of not even mentioning sex he actually started asking me for it! I turned him down the first time because I had already had 3 orgasms that day. I don't know if this increased sexual desire was from him being worried about me becoming uninterested in him, or he just wanted what he couldn't have. It doesn't matter really. What matters is I think we're both a lot happier & interested in each other now. He's happier because he's no longer being pressured into having sex. I'm happier because I'm getting fucked.
03/19/2009
Contributor: Dragon Dragon
Quote:
Originally posted by Pumpkin Lady
These are great responses, thank you everyone for your thoughts. I'll have some thinking to do as well, admittedly I haven't tried everything Sleeping Dreamer has suggested, but you'd think lying on the bed naked would spark something! ... more
Hugs, darling.

I know that you're hurting. You are also NOT entirely responsible for creating sexual interest for the both of you. Please don't believe that. All you can do is to try.

Reality- his lack of sex drive could be several things. Stress, unresolved sexual issues, natural low drive, lack of interest, lack of interest in the way sex actually is (m/f or bdsm for example)

There is some good advice above, but I'd disagree with a lot of it too. You need to first figure out how much he's willing to talk about and accept the difference in sexual needs. Second see which ways that he might be willing to change to meet your needs - counseling, toys, possibility of a different relationship arrangement than monogamy. If he's not receptive to solutions, that's your first big problem to look at own your own.

The 2nd reality is that sex is more or less what it is. He is not really going to be able to fuck you as much as you'd like to "meet" your needs, and toys only go so far when you want a real live person. You love him, but this is lifetime ahead of you. Think about what that lifetime could be. It might only get harder.

HUGS!!
03/19/2009
Contributor: Pumpkin Lady Pumpkin Lady
Thanks everyone!
There's work that needs to be put in to every relationship. I think so far everything has been so easy for him, I'm a pretty easy going girlfriend. Maybe I take him by surprise by asking him to put more effort in. There's so many different reasons we could be having this problem, the only way to really get to the bottom of it is to talk about it. If only it didn't always end in the silent treatment and tears!

If I make any headway (no pun intended) I'll give an update. Thanks again everyone for your insight, it really does help!
03/20/2009
Contributor: Not Here Anymore f/k/a Happy Lady Not Here Anymore f/k/a Happy Lady
There's a lot of great advice here - all things I would try before giving up.

I must second DBD's statement: you are talking about a LIFETIME with someone.

Sexual compatibility is really one of the MOST important elements of a happy marriage. This doesn't mean every happy marriage is full of lots of crazy sex all the time - but your sexual preferences (frequency, positions, kinkiness, etc.) need to be pretty darn close. There will be ups and downs, but at a basic level you need to be compatible.

I hope this works out for you because it sounds like you really love this person.
03/20/2009
Contributor: Pumpkin Lady Pumpkin Lady
Ha, I must not be very good at this...

He and I are both sitting at the computer. I said, "Hey baby, what's that song in Anchorman, the one they all sing together?" He said, "Afternoon Delight?" and I said, "Don't mind if I do!" and I jumped into his lap. He laughed and said, "I'm not going to go along with something that corny." We laughed about it for a bit, I tried to make it light-hearted, and then I came back to it. "So how about a quickie?" He says he has to do the dishes, and continues on the computer.
So I sent him an email of my wishlist here on EF, wanting to keep on the subject. I said playfully, "which one do you wanna buy me?" He looked at me with great disgust and said, "I don't want to shove a big flopper in you!" Oh, youth is wasted on the young.

We talked about it at great length, and I know now, he is NOT interested in toys. And that is that. Back to the drawing board. Next up, porn, masturbation and then counseling! Woo!
03/20/2009
Contributor: Victoria Victoria
Quote:
Originally posted by Pumpkin Lady
Ha, I must not be very good at this...

He and I are both sitting at the computer. I said, "Hey baby, what's that song in Anchorman, the one they all sing together?" He said, "Afternoon Delight?" and I said, ... more
First, the humorous part - I wish my partner showed *any* enthusiasm for the dishes, although he does do them a few times a week. That is the craziest excuse ever.

You must be very frustrated. I really hope that you are not taking the situation personally - in this case, it's him, not you (as that saying sorta goes). You have been patient, creative and lighthearted, so no matter what happens from here - you know that you have tried and are still trying. For now, make sure that you're taking care of your needs, even when he is around
03/20/2009
Contributor: Pumpkin Lady Pumpkin Lady
In the Pink- thanks! At first it was really hard not to take it personally. But as time went on we still got closer, just not sexually. So I learned it's not really me.
And yeah, that had me cracking up too, the dishes had been sitting there for a week already. I can't believe I wasn't upset about that, it was just too funny!
03/26/2009
Contributor: Victoria Victoria
Quote:
Originally posted by Pumpkin Lady
In the Pink- thanks! At first it was really hard not to take it personally. But as time went on we still got closer, just not sexually. So I learned it's not really me.
And yeah, that had me cracking up too, the dishes had been sitting there ... more
Aw, you're welcome! The dishes thing is too good to not comment on
03/26/2009
Contributor: Stinkytofu10 Stinkytofu10
Quote:
Originally posted by Nashville
If you love him than you sacrifice (he should do the same for you). Accepting a marriage proposal and then walking down the aisle is a commitment that you'll love him regardless of how much sex you have. However, it's also a promise that sex ... more
Great suggestions!
12/15/2011