Hello!

So sorry to be replying to this over 7 months later!

To start, you should both know (and I'm hoping this relationship is still going) that this isn't uncommon. Maybe couples who may not have even had issues in the past find there is a block in the bedroom and are unaware of why.

Some common but unspoken issues is medication. Medications that treat ADD/ADHD and depression can cause erectile dysfunction or a muted sex drive. Speaking with doctors about side effects of any medications you're currently taking. If memory serves, regular or excessive use of alcohol and/or regularly smoking tobacco can be another contributing factor.

Another less common issue is chronic masturbation. I'm not a medical professional, so I cannot speak to any debate about whether or not this is a proven, clinical issue. But, the information I found online about it lines up with my issues and my sexual history. Since being in my teens, I masturbated a lot. In those days, it was easier to get aroused by even the most tame yet erotic things, including incidentally touching yourself. It unfortunately become a coping mechanism for loneliness and general depression/low self-esteem. It was something that I could do that made me feel better than anything else does in life, and while masturbating, I wasn't focusing on the things in my life that upset me. As I got older and had less time to myself (working, living with others who were almost always home when I was), it also become more about opportunity than mood. I found myself masturbating even when I wasn't horny because I knew I had limited time. As the symptoms of chronic masturbation listed, I became desensitized, unable to maintain an erection, and caused intimacy issues like what I've been experience since I started having sex. The recommendation is reducing frequency of masturbation and then waiting for arousal before attempting it. Apparently, just abstaining completely can cause health issues that may lead to hospitalization.

As I'm sure you've assumed, trouble with past relationships can be a factor and are the likely cause. For me, it's a combination of both things. My spouse was on anti-depressants for a while and it lowered her already too low for me sex drive. Trying to initiate contact with her and being rejected took its toll on me after several happenings in a row, and now my confidence is so low, I've lost interest in sex with her. Add to that, I have a medication I'm now taking that causes temporary erectile dysfunction. The fact that I have a history of high blood pressure and the fact that it is still cost prohibitive, I've not tried Viagra. I've been tempted to try off brand alternatives, but I've read they often contain inferior and sometimes even harmful ingredients. If it's an option for him, I'd advise him to only get what he is prescribed by his physician.

I think it's healthy that you both know the causality of the issues you both have. It will help you to remind each other that it's not you or your partner causing each other's issues currently. You're doing the right thing in also trying to help each other. I know what the pressure feels like of wanting to satisfy your partner and the worry actually reduces your ability to perform, making it even worse. My advice is that if you can afford it, it might be a good idea to see either a couples councilor, especially one that specializes in intimacy issues. Getting rid of mental blocks while also getting advice on things to do and things to avoid is your best step forward. You may get advice to fix some of your more pressing mental issues even before trying again in the bedroom so that one isn't affecting the progress of another. (We're going to try this ourselves, but there are other life/health issues to fix first)

The thing I want to impress most on you both is never lose hope. Hopelessness is the biggest mental block their is. Do what you need to do to keep yourselves and each other satisfied (as long as it is not too excessive, as I mention above), but keep hope alive and know that if this is still happening or is happening with a newer relationship, this is still fixable.