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She hates going down on her boyfriend... who should compromise?! - from Em and Lo

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Contributor: Em & Lo Em & Lo
A woman wrote to us at EMandLO.com recently to ask us this: "I hate going down on guys. Always have. I gag, I choke, I think it tastes gross. My boyfriend likes receiving oral, of course, and I want to make him happy, but I don’t think I should have to force myself to do something I thoroughly don’t enjoy just for his pleasure, especially when there are plenty of other things we can do — and do do — to get him (and myself) off. Am I being unreasonable? I wouldn’t ask him to do something he really didn’t want to do. And I can’t help but think, If someone’s got to make a sacrifice in this relationship, why can’t it be him sacrificing his desire for BJs, since that won’t result in him throwing up? (Btw, I enjoy receiving cunnilingus, but it’s not a deal breaker — I can take it or leave it. My boyfriend says he enjoys giving it to me, so that only adds tit-for-tat pressure!)"

So... what do you think? Is there any hope for this relationship? If so, how should they compromise? Check out what the EMandLO.com readers have to say on the topic here.
06/29/2011
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Contributor: GingerAnn GingerAnn
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06/29/2011
Contributor: Airen Wolf Airen Wolf
(EF Review Program Mentor)
Quote:
Originally posted by Em & Lo
A woman wrote to us at EMandLO.com recently to ask us this: "I hate going down on guys. Always have. I gag, I choke, I think it tastes gross. My boyfriend likes receiving oral, of course, and I want to make him happy, but I don’t think I should ... more
To my mind it should be a bit of give and take. He sacrifices being totally in her mouth so she feels comfortable. He showers before hand and pays special attention to making sure he is clean to remove the taste. He understands that she doesn't like performing oral sex and leaves it up to her to offer. No pressure. If he enjoys cunnilingus then he should be prefectly ok doing that without an expectation of reciprocation...and she loses the guilt and allows him to pleasure her.

In my relationships I have an avid cunniliguist and a curious but scared beginner who isn't sure he wants to learn how. It just takes balancing and compromise. Sometimes you just ahve to accept that your partner doesn't LIKE a certain sex act and work around it.
06/29/2011
Contributor: MaryExy MaryExy
I would suggest some different methods that make oral a little easier/more enjoyable. Flavored lubes may help with the taste (as well as washing properly), and emphasizing licking and kissing rather than sucking may help with the gagging and choking. Once they've tried to make blowjobs more bearable for her, I would say that it's ok to drop blowjobs. Since he likes receiving, I think some effort should be made to make it enjoyable for her as well.
06/29/2011
Contributor: squire squire
I think this is a challenging topic as we all have limits that are different from those of our partners. First, I would state that one should e pop never, in my mind, manipulate an unwilling partner to do anything. Secondly, speaking as someone who for example sake was asked to do it, id have to say at points we should do things we arent thrilled about to please our partners as ee are doing it for them, ss an act of love. Obviously you do everything said above to make it easier and more comfortable, but if it doesnt trigger a trauma, is not a deal breaker, and is asked for lovingly and without expectation...for me its worth the discomfort to please my partner. In a relationship I try to fo for the sake of my partner first, and myself second, comparing or this for that scares me because it so easily turns to power related issues. Again, we're all different...and our limits too are different. Respect for those limits, while challenging our own is essential for strong lasting love
06/29/2011
Contributor: ss143 ss143
Quote:
Originally posted by Airen Wolf
To my mind it should be a bit of give and take. He sacrifices being totally in her mouth so she feels comfortable. He showers before hand and pays special attention to making sure he is clean to remove the taste. He understands that she doesn't ... more
"To my mind it should be a bit of give and take. He sacrifices being totally in her mouth so she feels comfortable. He showers before hand and pays special attention to making sure he is clean to remove the taste. He understands that she doesn't like performing oral sex and leaves it up to her to offer. No pressure. If he enjoys cunnilingus then he should be perfectly ok doing that without an expectation of reciprocation...and she loses the guilt and allows him to pleasure her."

I couldn't have said it better Airen
06/29/2011
Contributor: Acorn Acorn
I think that the man should be happy with what he has and stop complaining. Like she said, there are plenty of other ways to get off that don't involve her doing something that she isn't comfortable with. My wife never really liked to give me oral and I never once pressured her into it. I would go down her all the time and eventually she wanted to try oral on me. I think that if he is just patient he might get what he wants but pressuring her isn't going to help. If anything, he will just make it worse.
06/29/2011
Contributor: Sex'и'Violence Sex'и'Violence
Quote:
Originally posted by Airen Wolf
To my mind it should be a bit of give and take. He sacrifices being totally in her mouth so she feels comfortable. He showers before hand and pays special attention to making sure he is clean to remove the taste. He understands that she doesn't ... more
Both need to compromise, but ultimately I think Airen said it best with:

"If he enjoys cunnilingus then he should be prefectly ok doing that without an expectation of reciprocation...and she loses the guilt and allows him to pleasure her"

She shouldn't be feeling guilty or denying herself the pleasure of receiving oral just because she doesn't enjoy giving it. Every now and then I'm sure he'd appreciate if she were to bite the bullet and go down on him.
06/30/2011
Contributor: meitman meitman
I echo most of the thoughts already here. Relationships work best with compromise in my humble opinion. One partner shouldn't force another to do something they really dislike, however I will say my wife gets major awe and respect/love from me when she does something that I know she doesn't care for but she's doing it solely for my pleasure. Makes me want to return the favor some way.
07/12/2011
Contributor: indiglo indiglo
Quote:
Originally posted by Airen Wolf
To my mind it should be a bit of give and take. He sacrifices being totally in her mouth so she feels comfortable. He showers before hand and pays special attention to making sure he is clean to remove the taste. He understands that she doesn't ... more
Totally agree. I could not have said it any better! Try making it better for both, both trying to make sacrifices to please the other. And in the end, if you love your partner, you must accept them and their likes/dislikes.
07/12/2011
Contributor: Beck Beck
Im gonna simply say that he should just have patience for her to come around. sooner or later she may try and find she enjoys. and yes i think if u dont like something simply dont do it, but i think that as a couple gets to know each other they will want to please each other and she will come around into trying it and eventually mayb not love it but do it because she loves to make him happy.
07/13/2011
Contributor: meitman meitman
Quote:
Originally posted by Beck
Im gonna simply say that he should just have patience for her to come around. sooner or later she may try and find she enjoys. and yes i think if u dont like something simply dont do it, but i think that as a couple gets to know each other they will ... more
Well said. I guess that's kind of what I was getting at, but you said it much better!
07/14/2011
Contributor: P'Gell P'Gell
She certainly shouldn't be or feel forced, but oral sex is, IMO, a nessesity of sex, not a luxury. Your sex life is one of the most important bonds in your life.

If there was something healthy and fairly mainstream (like oral sex) that My Man needed and I thought it was "gross" I would do what I could to learn all I could about it and even go the extra mile to maybe see a sex therapist (the ones who TALK to you, not the ones who have sex with you) or a regular therapist to help me get past the block.

This woman says she can "take or leave cunnilingus" That looks like a red flag to me. Sexual inhibition will eventually cause problems all over a relationship.

I don't think expecting oral sex in a relationship is asking too much. I know not getting it would be a deal breaker for me. If I was the guy in this relationship, I'd give her time to get help, and if she didn't want to work on it then reconsider what other ways she might be blocked and maybe go into therapy with her.

It isn't like he's asking for full B&D scene-ing or water sports play or even anal sex. It's oral sex, it's mainstream sex. Perhaps she needs to work on WHY she thinks it's "gross" and learn something about herself.

But, no force should be used at any time (do I even have to say this?) Some people are blocked or inhibited, and they may not make good partners for people who are more open and wanting interesting and satisfying sex play.

I know I did break up with a guy and his refusal to go down was a good part of the problem. I couldn't imagine going forever (or even having sex with him ONE more time) without the beauty of oral sex. Just my thing, but I think a lot of people would agree.

Resentment will eventually build, if its something he needs, and is forced to go without it, so they have to take that into consideration as well.
07/14/2011
Contributor: P'Gell P'Gell
What about a condom? If it "tastes gross" a condom, specifically a non-latex one, will take care of that problem. She could start by just licking the tip and work on it. We all had to learn how to perform certain sex acts. It takes some effort, and many are acquired tastes.

Still, something about this is ringing bells and setting off Red Flags for me.
07/14/2011