The New Intimacy

HELP! What do I do?!

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Contributor: cherryredhead88 cherryredhead88
So I have finally found my friend with benefits. Someone who I connect with on so many levels. We are in the same place in life, we don't want a relationship at the moment but plan on seeing how things work out. I honestly like this person and I want him to be my partner.

There is just one HUGE problem.... he has no clue what he is doing in bed...


My son's dad was my only partner for 3 and a half years. The sex we had was absolutely mind blowing, and he knew all my spots and made me come over and over again in ridiculous amounts.

It was really weird to even be intimate with someone else- then it was just weird when the sex was bad.

I know communication is a good way to improve- but I don't want to hurt his feelings. I don't know how to tell him how to fuck (or eat pussy for that matter)

Can you guys help me out? Should I recommend some books to him? Introduce certain kinds of toys? We plan on role playing in the future, and getting into some bondage, but I am so shy when it comes to sex. I am so used to my ex knowing what to do that I can't bring myself to tell the new guy how I like it.
10/10/2010
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Contributor: Kindred Kindred
As you already said, communication is the key. You can tell him what you like, what feels good to you without making him feel bad or hurting his feelings. When something doesn't feel good to you, suggest trying something different. However, when something is good, be sure to let him know. Even having a lot of sexual experience doesn't mean that new couples won't still have to learn each others likes and dislikes. Ever person is different and part of the fun of a new relationship is learning and exploring each other.

You could also be sure to ask if he likes certain things you do to set an example. That way, he may start asking you the same. Hopefully others can chime in with more suggestions.
10/10/2010
Contributor: Jobthingy Jobthingy
Totally agreeing with the communication. You don't have to be rude about it. You can be suggestive and ask him to try a different way. "I would love it if you licked like this" or "I bet if we try this position it would be awesome"

What about letting him watch you get yourself off?
10/10/2010
Contributor: cherryredhead88 cherryredhead88
That's the thing- I am so open about sex until it comes to being with him. It's just that even though we have known each other forever, we have a different kind of relationship now. I am super shy when it comes to telling him things. I am hoping that I will warm up to him more in time. I am just so used to my son's dad- it is so weird to me lol
10/10/2010
Contributor: Airen Wolf Airen Wolf
(EF Review Program Mentor)
Quote:
Originally posted by cherryredhead88
So I have finally found my friend with benefits. Someone who I connect with on so many levels. We are in the same place in life, we don't want a relationship at the moment but plan on seeing how things work out. I honestly like this person and I ... more
Your best bet is to simply talk to him. Tell him what you like...it's not about him it's about you and your body! He needs to have time to learn your body and you will help him out. Masturbate for him, ask him in intimate detail what he likes, ask him in intimate detail while you are touching him if he likes it and also what about it does he like? You have to build a great sex life, so get in there and get your hands dirty!
10/10/2010
Contributor: kck kck
Absolutely agree about the communication. But you don't have to sit him down for coffee and have a "serious talk." Maybe try suggesting things in the heat of the moment. Or...

My favorite thing to do is to pull up SexInfo101 and go through all of the really awesome sex positions described/animated there. If you do this, it could be more like an adventure / exploration for the both of you, rather than a one-way lecture. Some of the positions are vanilla, others rather kinky. I bet there's stuff on that site that neither of you has tried! Find something that's new for both of you! Maybe it would be less "weird" if you felt you weren't asking a new partner to perform acts that your old partner once did.

Also, that site has a pretty good "sex encyclopedia" and forum on how to please. Maybe looking at sex positions with him would naturally lead him to browsing through some of those forums.

Happy 'splorin
10/10/2010
Contributor: Selective Sensualist Selective Sensualist
I'm agreeing with everyone else. They have offered some excellent advice.

I would keep the conversation "in the moment," making suggestions and also giving feedback when something feels good. When you two are not intimately playing, using kck's advice of looking at a website showing different pictures (or watching a porno) can serve as a catalyst for discussing things you like or would like to try. This would keep the conversation more comfortable with a focus on fun possibilities rather than specific shortcomings.

Good luck!
10/10/2010
Contributor: Cream in the Cupcake Cream in the Cupcake
That would be very weird. Ive been with my man going on 7 years and I could imagine how weird it feels to be with someone else. Me and my man have gotten so open about sex, we are improving, but I have had to mention and guide him even still.
02/02/2011
Contributor: Woman China Woman China
1) Hands off. Don't let him touch you.
2) Have him close his eyes, while your fingers explore his body
3) seductively talk him through from head to toe what your body does when touched in a certain way and at certain points.

Or my personal favourite, tie him up and let him watch as you masturbate.

If he still does not get the little hints you have dropped, many of the men I have been with enjoy it when I direct them. Just do not pull out the flashing lights or the stop signs... he thought that was more comical than learning my spots
02/02/2011