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Difficulty Orgasming with a Partner

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Contributor: omgmegg omgmegg
Is it such a thing to be “orgasm shy?”

Looking for any insight or tips for someone who struggles with orgasming with a partner, but has no issues whatsoever solo. I trust my partner completely and I’m very comfortable with him - we openly talk about sex with each other and our wants and needs. I enjoy everything that we do together but it’s starting to bother me that I struggle to orgasm no matter what we try when he is physically present. We’ve talked about it and I’ve assured him it’s nothing he is doing wrong, everything feels good while we’re doing it but I just can’t seem to get myself over the edge.

I’ve started masturbating in bed when he’s sleeping and it was difficult at first but is improving a bit the more I do it. I’m hoping it might help me to feel more comfortable? My next thought was to try masturbating with the door open, or in the living room and then move on to masturbating together to see how that goes? I’ll honestly try anything at this point that might help me get out of my head.

Together we’ve tried more foreplay, different types of foreplay, me edging throughout the day, stimulating myself with my fingers and hands, bringing in different toys, me masturbating alone beforehand and stopping as I’m close…but even when we use toys together that get me off quickly on my own, I’m still struggling to orgasm when he is physically in the room. When I have been able to, it takes hours to get there and it’s exhausting.

This isn’t something new with just him, before we were together I had never orgasmed with a partner at all. I thought it was just that my previous partners were selfish in bed, and didn’t care about my pleasure. But now that I’m with someone who genuinely wants me to enjoy our time together, it’s pretty much the same thing…I can get there sometimes, but not without trying REALLY REALLY hard.

I was recently diagnosed with ADHD, started taking medication and I’m wondering if it might just be that I’ve been distracted by everything happening that I haven’t been able to focus on the end goal? I just can’t figure out why I can’t seem to get out of my own head. I would be less frustrated if I had difficulty reaching orgasm all the time, but it only seems to be an issue when I’m not alone. He’s been very patient understanding, and willing to try new things together but the longer this goes on he seems more sad than anything that my pleasure isn’t “the same” as what he experiences when we’re together. I am open to any tips, tricks or ideas and also hearing if anyone else has had a similar experience.
02/23/2022
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Contributor: Leil@ Leil@
(EdenFantasys)
Quote:
Originally posted by omgmegg
Is it such a thing to be “orgasm shy?”

Looking for any insight or tips for someone who struggles with orgasming with a partner, but has no issues whatsoever solo. I trust my partner completely and I’m very comfortable with him - we openly ... more
What is your most hot spot when you do it alone? I mean, what leads you to orgasm when you masturbate?
02/23/2022
Contributor: omgmegg omgmegg
Quote:
Originally posted by Leil@
What is your most hot spot when you do it alone? I mean, what leads you to orgasm when you masturbate?
Well that the thing, I’m doing the exact same things when I’m with him as I do when I’m alone. The only difference I can truly come up with, is that I don’t have to think about anything when I’m alone and I can just focus on the feeling. It’s like I’m completely caught up in my head - I’m honestly probably just so hyper focused on it now that I’m making it worse
02/23/2022
Contributor: Leil@ Leil@
(EdenFantasys)
Quote:
Originally posted by omgmegg
Well that the thing, I’m doing the exact same things when I’m with him as I do when I’m alone. The only difference I can truly come up with, is that I don’t have to think about anything when I’m alone and I can just focus on the feeling. It’s like ... more
Unfortunately, what we have in our heads always plays a bad joke on us Overthinking happens to all of us, and I know that being under stress or worry makes it hard to focus on pleasure.

As an idea, you can try new positions, locations, and techniques to distract yourself from those thoughts and spice things up. Also, adding toys can significantly improve the situation. For example, he can use your Satisfyer on you to warm you up. Toys for couple's play can also do the trick.

It sounds easy, but I know it is hard. Simply don't stop experimenting.
02/25/2022
Contributor: abee abee
I have this exact problem. I am almost always able to reach orgasm by myself, but have never managed with a partner. There are a few different reasons it could be. You might be self-conscious with someone else there, whether consciously or unconsciously. You might just be more familiar with your own touch, so your body responds more easily.

Definitely trying new positions/techniques/e tc. and experimenting with what makes you feel good with your partner is a good idea. If you're the type of person who tends to fantasize in your own head while masturbating by yourself, it might help to do that - even close your eyes if it helps you get more into that world - and see if your partner is able to bring you to orgasm that way. If you think it might be an issue of being self-conscious that you are being looked at, it could help to use dim or no lighting, so you aren't focused on how you look. Long sessions of foreplay or working up to it throughout the day with naughty photos/texts/etc can also get you more aroused and ready to orgasm.

And lastly, if you and your partner would feel comfortable with it, you might try something like sensory deprivation play - a blindfold, earplugs, that sort of thing - which can intensify sensation and also keep you from focusing too much on extraneous details like what the bedpost looks like (I have ADHD too, I can relate XD)
03/06/2022
Contributor: sevennn sevennn
I struggle a bit with this too. I am long-distance, and it takes me forever to actually cum when we're in a call together. I do the same things as when I'm alone, but it takes me at least double the time. The only thing that I can think of is that instead of focusing on just yourself, you're also focusing on someone else. Personally, I always am worried about under- or over-performing - meaning the noises that I make, the actions that I'm doing, etc. I'm worried about doing too much, doing too little, not making enough noise to sound like I'm enjoying myself, etc. It's a double-edged sword! I think that if you talk to your partner about it and explain your thoughts and feelings more, and really try and understand the root of the problem, then it'll get better.
03/06/2022
Contributor: omgmegg omgmegg
Quote:
Originally posted by abee
I have this exact problem. I am almost always able to reach orgasm by myself, but have never managed with a partner. There are a few different reasons it could be. You might be self-conscious with someone else there, whether consciously or ... more
I love the idea of sensory deprivation and this is one area we really haven’t explored too much, I’ll have to talk with him about the idea and see what he thinks. He has been great about communicating, trying new toys and positions but I think it could be that I am unconsciously self-conscious as well. He’s great, truly the first partner I’ve been with that is really open to talking about everything together and trying new things and I can tell that he genuinely wants me to experience the same pleasure with him that he experiences with me. I’m definitely going to bring up the idea of sensory deprivation to see what he thinks, THANK YOU since I hadn’t even thought of that!
03/08/2022
Contributor: omgmegg omgmegg
Quote:
Originally posted by sevennn
I struggle a bit with this too. I am long-distance, and it takes me forever to actually cum when we're in a call together. I do the same things as when I'm alone, but it takes me at least double the time. The only thing that I can think of is ... more
All. Of. This.

I don’t struggle at all when I’m solo, in fact I am able to orgasm pretty quickly so I’ve personally found it to be frustrating and kind of a chore when we are together because it takes so much longer/so much more effort. We’ve been somewhat long distance/somewhat not over the last few years due to his work and him traveling and it’s the same - even when I do the exact same things I do alone, it takes double the time if I know he can see or hear me.

We dated about 10-11 years ago and he was stationed in Europe at the time, and I will never forget the first time we tried being on camera…it took me so long and eventually I gave up. I was in my early 20’s at the time and hadn’t really experienced pleasurable sex with a partner so it wasn’t frustrating to me then that I didn’t orgasm when we were physically together but I did find it strange that I wasn’t able to doing the same things I did when I am completely alone.

You might be on to something with the under or over performing idea, because I also worry that I’m doing too much or too little. It’s very possible that I’m so caught up with all of that, that I’m never truly relaxing to just be in the moment. Thank you for sharing, it’s nice to not feel so alone with it.
03/08/2022
Contributor: Paradocs Paradocs
Quote:
Originally posted by omgmegg
All. Of. This.

I don’t struggle at all when I’m solo, in fact I am able to orgasm pretty quickly so I’ve personally found it to be frustrating and kind of a chore when we are together because it takes so much longer/so much more effort. We’ve ... more
When we are in a committed relationship, when being intimate we tend to focus on our significant other's needs, desires, pleasures. Are we doing what they want? Are we pleasuring them? Is everything I'm doing working for them? The irony is that in a great relationship, they're thinking the same things. Sometimes the best way of being unselfish it to be selfish! Remember, they want you to be pleasured. Instead of wondering how they are doing, focus on yourself and (almost) tune them out. Close your eyes and enjoy the moment, let yourself go and don't worry about them...they'll be alright. I'm not saying ignore them or fantasize you're somewhere else, listen to and feel their cues, but let yourself go and truly focus on your needs. There's nothing quite as rewarding as watching your partner quiver with delight, and that goes both ways!
03/08/2022