The New Intimacy

Advice please! --bf gets me soo close to orgasm, but...

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Contributor: kerry kerry
Hi everyone! I was hoping for some help about a (minor) issue I've been having with my boyfriend since we started sleeping together.

The thing is, and to be honest, it doesn't bother me a TON because he still makes me feel so good, but he has never given me a complete orgasm (clitoral) from his hands or oral. He gets me to that plateau that's like, right BEFORE orgasm, but it's never progressed to a full orgasm (I usually stop him because I don't know what to do or because it feels like too much pressure on me to cum...and I will admit that I HAVE faked it once or twice...).

Anyway, he IS very talented with his fingers and mouth, but I don't know what it will take to get me totally past that plateau/edge. I know it's supposed to be continuous repetitive motion, and I should use what I know about getting myself off in order to guide him and communicate with him, but so far it hasn't really done much. He HAS hit "that spot" like I do when I masturbate, but it doesn't feel the same as when I do it.

So I guess, just talk more, and show him more how I do it? We have a very good sex life and no problems talking about sex/issues, and he loves to please me, so there are no problems there.

One thing is that I may be mentally blocking myself from coming when he's working on me...sometimes it is a lot of pressure to come and I was hoping for some tips to relax/let go.

Thank you everyone for any help/advice! Love the forums, everyone is so nice and helpful.
10/20/2011
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Contributor: Ghost Ghost
My advice: CALM DOWN. Stop putting pressure on yourselves to make you come. Stop putting pressure on yourseld, stop putting pressure on him. Just stop it. Is that really what's important? No, feeling great is what's important. Stop thinking about it, stop obsessing over it, just RELAX. RELAX. RELAX!

If he is pressuring you to orgasm, tell HIM to chill out, as well.
Seriously, calm down. Meditate. Enjoy it.
10/20/2011
Contributor: wrecklesswords wrecklesswords
Quote:
Originally posted by Ghost
My advice: CALM DOWN. Stop putting pressure on yourselves to make you come. Stop putting pressure on yourseld, stop putting pressure on him. Just stop it. Is that really what's important? No, feeling great is what's important. Stop thinking ... more
I agree with this completely.

My girlfriend told me while we were still talking before we got together that she had never had an orgasm before that no one had been able to give her one and she had never given herself one out of lack of wanting to even masturbate. And she in turn didn't really want me to touch her because "what was the point?" if she couldn't get an orgasm? But finally she let me and after a few times (plus, she was the first woman I was with..) I finally got her there. It just took getting her to step out of her head for a little bit and calming down and just FEELING what felt good.

There are still times when it is hard for her to get off, so she just stops me and we cuddle or something else.

But yeah, just calm down, breathe. Maybe close your eyes and focus on feeling his hands or his mouth. Or maybe let him try a lot more teasing to see if that will help you out some.
10/20/2011
Contributor: ThoughtsAblaze ThoughtsAblaze
I did a double take at the poster's name, as I started to wonder if I'd written this post and forgotten. This happens to my boyfriend and me about 30% of the time. It's frustrating to be RIGHT THERE at the edge of orgasm, and thinking, "where the hell is my orgasm?!"

First, the mental thing definitely needs to be tackled. When I start to worry over it, I shut the thoughts off and begin focusing on my breathing and paying attention to my body. Sometimes I realize that I'm extremely tense and when that happens, the good feelings in my clit can't really transfer to the rest of me.

Second, I switched up how I masturbate. I'm not saying you have to conform to him or anything such, but I realized I'd been pleasuring myself the same way for years and never tried something new. And old clit can learn new tricks! He has large hands with large fingers, so it's harder for him to not put direct pressure on my clit, even when he doesn't mean to. I began using more direct stimulation and eventually began to enjoy that more than my old ways. The more I try with new methods and keep things fresh, the less often we have this issue.

Third, FOREPLAY. This might've been the biggest revelation. We always have some foreplay, but we realize now how truly truly vital it is for me. If he starts rubbing too soon, then I'm more likely to get to a near-painful plateau instead of orgasm. We've talked and he knows now that almost every time his hands wander south, I'm going to tell him "not yet" so we can savor some more kisses and ensure I've even more aroused before starting.

Fourth, sometimes it's just downright inexplicable why I can't overcome that final hurdle, so I take over. Have you tried to bring yourself over the finish line? I'll grab him tight and start some crazy kissing while I set the orgasm in motion, so it's hot for both of us. We'll talk about it afterward and see if we can reach a conclusion about why it didn't work.

Fifth, tried any toys?

Sixth, add some lube? Sometimes a drop of lube on that tender spot is the only addition I need.
10/21/2011
Contributor: stlouisxxx stlouisxxx
I agree with the 4th point ThoughtsAblaze made. Finish off yourself. Hopefully you 2 have talked about not getting off, if not talk if guys think what they are doing gets you off they won't change.
10/23/2011
Contributor: Beck Beck
Quote:
Originally posted by Ghost
My advice: CALM DOWN. Stop putting pressure on yourselves to make you come. Stop putting pressure on yourseld, stop putting pressure on him. Just stop it. Is that really what's important? No, feeling great is what's important. Stop thinking ... more
Agree! It takes a lot of relaxing to achieve O's. For some women.
10/23/2011
Contributor: Moniqua Moniqua
I have the same problem and I also believe it is partially my nervousness acting out and not letting it happen
10/23/2011
Contributor: WhoopieDoo WhoopieDoo
I used to have the same problem when I felt pressured to orgasm. I had to train myself to not worry about having an orgasm (just focusing on sensation), and developed a mantra in my head, repeating to myself over and over to focus on how good it feels.
Relaxing my mind and tensing my pelvic muscles is what gets me there.
10/23/2011
Contributor: Sex'и'Violence Sex'и'Violence
Quote:
Originally posted by Ghost
My advice: CALM DOWN. Stop putting pressure on yourselves to make you come. Stop putting pressure on yourseld, stop putting pressure on him. Just stop it. Is that really what's important? No, feeling great is what's important. Stop thinking ... more
This.
10/23/2011
Contributor: Hot 'N Sexy TexasMama Hot 'N Sexy TexasMama
I agree with what everyone has said about calming down and clearing your head and just enjoying the experience - but I also wanted to ask if you use any sort of toys together.

It used to take me 20 minutes of manual stimulation by my husband for me to have an orgasm. Now that we use toys - it is almost like he can put the bullet on my clitoris and go "1, 2, 3" and I am on my way to the orgasm and can have an orgasm in about 3 minutes or less (depending upon how much I'm in the mood).

Having the toys helps to "speed up" the process for us.
10/23/2011
Contributor: newlady newlady
Quote:
Originally posted by Hot 'N Sexy TexasMama
I agree with what everyone has said about calming down and clearing your head and just enjoying the experience - but I also wanted to ask if you use any sort of toys together.

It used to take me 20 minutes of manual stimulation by my husband ... more
I agree with this completely!
10/23/2011
Contributor: P'Gell P'Gell
Changing your mind set will help. My husband and I do look at it as him "giving me an orgasm." He can help me find my orgasm, often now with the help of some toys, but no one "gives" you an orgasm. Only YOU can give yourself that. Of course, you may be able to have an orgasm while someone is making love to you, going down on you etc. but the responsibility for the orgasm is yours.

That being said, don't get hung up on it too much. I used to be able to come at the drop of a hat, due to some hormonal problems, a few years ago, I started having a difficult time coming. I was near tears at not being able to get there by the processes that used to work (mainly him simply giving me cunnilingus)

One thing My Man and I did was STOP using terms like "I'm going to give you an orgasm." Or "I'm going to make you come." This puts too much pressure on both of us.

When he would say things like, "I don't care how long it takes, just relax and let's play." I'm much more likely to have an orgasm. Being asked every 2 minutes "Are you there yet?" only adds to the tension and make it difficult.

We also found that adding good quality toys to our love making, most importantly, a phallic vibrator or dildo while he is giving me cunnilingus, and a high powered "massager" vibrator, like the Wahl or the Hitachi while he holds me and plays with the dildo, and lets me usually work the massager works very well for us.

Some of us have High Orgasm Thresholds. This means we may need more stimulation and more time to have an orgasm. Sometimes, physical stimulation isn't enough, some good fantasies and a good high powered vibrator right on the clit can do a good job. As long as My Man is there and contributing, it certainly "counts" as him being part of the orgasm.

I also toss the massager on the floor as I start to come, and that's his cue to get in there and give me more head. This is AMAZING, because I've already jump started the orgasm with the massager, (with either his hand or a phallic dildo or vibrator inserted as I also need either A Spot or G Spot stimulation) and then him getting in there with his mouth is AMAZING! We have very good results with this process, and it may mesh perfectly with simply continuing to have sex.


Good luck, take your time, try some fantasies, try some toys and let him know in a KIND way that taking your time is what you need.

10/23/2011
Contributor: kerry kerry
Thank you EVERYONE, it's so nice to hear your thoughts and how some of you can relate.

I'm definitely gonna work on relaxing more, and taking more initiative myself to push past that edge. And I do have the Lelo Siri vibe (LOVE!), it's just that we tend to forget to use it, to be honest. And I also haven't used it by myself that often, so I can do some more solo work with it myself to figure out what helps. Guess we'll break it out more often! I'm just worried about becoming overstimulated to the point where I don't want anything going on down there anymore. But jumpstarting the process and having him finish/contribute sounds like a great idea.

Again, thank you everyone who posted!
10/24/2011
Contributor: P'Gell P'Gell
Quote:
Originally posted by P'Gell
Changing your mind set will help. My husband and I do look at it as him "giving me an orgasm." He can help me find my orgasm, often now with the help of some toys, but no one "gives" you an orgasm. Only YOU can give yourself that. ... more
I just realized I totally screwed up my meaning by leaving out ONE word of this post.

I posted Changing your mind set will help. My husband and I do look at it as him "giving me an orgasm." He can help me find my orgasm, often now with the help of some toys, but no one "gives" you an orgasm. Only YOU can give yourself that.

AUGHGHGH. What I meant to say was. " My husband and I do NOT look at it as him "giving me an orgasm."

We make love and we each have to find our own orgasms. It isn't him "Giving" me one (or more than one), or me "giving" him one. Not saying things like "He gave me an orgasm." or "I want to give you an orgasm." but looking at it as a couple effort to FIND the orgasm is best for us, anyway.

Good luck.
10/24/2011
Contributor: LavenderSkies LavenderSkies
Quote:
Originally posted by Ghost
My advice: CALM DOWN. Stop putting pressure on yourselves to make you come. Stop putting pressure on yourseld, stop putting pressure on him. Just stop it. Is that really what's important? No, feeling great is what's important. Stop thinking ... more
Great advice.
10/29/2011
Contributor: pixxie87 pixxie87
Quote:
Originally posted by Ghost
My advice: CALM DOWN. Stop putting pressure on yourselves to make you come. Stop putting pressure on yourseld, stop putting pressure on him. Just stop it. Is that really what's important? No, feeling great is what's important. Stop thinking ... more
i agree with ur advise
04/13/2012
Contributor: vanilla&chocolate vanilla&chocolate
Obviously, your own fingers will do the best job, but I would try placing his fingers over yours and showing him exactly how you like it.
04/13/2012
Contributor: Istanbull Istanbull
The shurefire way I've always made my women cum is to shove my cock all the way in and just "grind" against her, specifically her clit. While I do it, my cock rubs her G-Spot. It's a double whammy with no thrusting required... which helps me last for a very long time.

Sometimes when I feel energetic I grab her by her thighs and bounce her on the matress. Best way to describe the motion is skip a dildo in you all the way and then move it forward and back with long strokes and pressed against you, very fast.

Give that a whack.
04/14/2012
Contributor: SubmissiveFeminist SubmissiveFeminist
Quote:
Originally posted by Beck
Agree! It takes a lot of relaxing to achieve O's. For some women.
Second this agree. Also, faking it really isn't the way to go. I mean, why would you train his brain to keep doing the wrong things? Just be honest. If he's not an idiot, he'll understand that it has nothing to do with him and some bodies just don't always orgasm when we want them to.
04/15/2012