The New Intimacy

What's more important—the couple or the individual, when it comes to marriage?

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Contributor: LicentiouslyYours LicentiouslyYours
Related to: 
Modern Marriage Works Best when it’s About “Me.”
The old wisdom is that marriage is an institution that works when two people put the relationship first—not so anymore, says Tara Parker-Pope in The New York Times. Parker-Pope covers some interesting information from university elite who say the secret to a long-lasting love is not self-sacrificing martyrdom, actually. It’s all about “Me.”

So, what's your experience in marriage taught you? Do you put yourself first or couple first? Does this strengthen your marriage?

What about those with marriages that fail? Would things have been better if you'd "sought more self-growth" and done less "sacrificing for the sake of the relationship?"
01/03/2011
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Contributor: SexyTabby SexyTabby
hmmm...I don't think of our relationship as about me or him but about our family and that includes self achievements and happiness. Our relationship is built on the love we share with our family as a whole and our individual habits and even our sexual habits revolve around that. We each have hobbies the others may or may not like but none take precedence over the family. Our personal sexual desires are changing and admittedly Hubby sometimes struggles with my needs but that's just part of life. If new ideas and thoughts on a sexual plain works or doesn't won't change the scope of our relationship any more then one of our hobbies would. It is because there is so much more then any one aspect linked to just one of us. Most of our life goals are now family oriented and about happiness meant for "us" as a whole. Not sure about others but for me personally, "ME" went by the wayside 23 years ago. Doesn't mean I gave up my individuality just means I developed into something bigger then just myself and that my personal accomplishments are shared on a deeper level then just self gratification.
01/03/2011
Contributor: DeliciousSurprise DeliciousSurprise
Me is We.

If I fail, then the relationship fails. If my partner fails, the relationship fails.


If you become so self-sacrificing that the relationship is your entire being, then you lose YOU and just become an US.


If you aren't whole, hale and self-satisfied, how can your relationship be full of anything but cracks and strife?

(This all should be taken with the I'm Not Married lump of salt.)
01/03/2011
Contributor: Airen Wolf Airen Wolf
(EF Review Program Mentor)
Quote:
Originally posted by LicentiouslyYours
The old wisdom is that marriage is an institution that works when two people put the relationship first—not so anymore, says Tara Parker-Pope in The New York Times. Parker-Pope covers some interesting information from university elite who say the ... more
It is a blend of selfishness and self-lessness. Putting yourself first guarrantees that you are the person your partner needs you to be; strong, secure, willing and able to do for yourself. You have to blend that resourcefulness into taking care of the relationship as well and meeting your partner more than halfway at times. The times shouldn't be all that often that your partner needs to prop you up or you need to prop them up.
You need to keep growing and evolving as a person as well as a couple. If you stagnate then so will your relationship. The good news is it gets easier with practice!
01/03/2011
Contributor: *HisMrs* *HisMrs*
Quote:
Originally posted by SexyTabby
hmmm...I don't think of our relationship as about me or him but about our family and that includes self achievements and happiness. Our relationship is built on the love we share with our family as a whole and our individual habits and even our ... more
I completely agree
01/03/2011
Contributor: Emma (Girl With Fire) Emma (Girl With Fire)
I don't think marriage is about self sacrifice. I think it is about giving and compromise. You do not have to lose something in order to give something. Sometimes you may give things up. However this should happen voluntarily.

If I do something for my partner I WANT to, I WANT to please my partner, to make them happy, to make life easier for them. My partner should want the same for me. When I give to a partner who would give to me, it is effortless. I enjoy giving up time to be with them, to help them, to work harder to even out the work load and give them time to relax. If my partner reciprocates and is happy to do so there is very little to argue over. I believe that for a relationship to succeed, both partners must continue to grow for the better throughout, if you are not becoming a better person, or are backsliding your relationship is not healthy.
01/03/2011
Contributor: Gunsmoke Gunsmoke
Quote:
Originally posted by Emma (Girl With Fire)
I don't think marriage is about self sacrifice. I think it is about giving and compromise. You do not have to lose something in order to give something. Sometimes you may give things up. However this should happen voluntarily.

If I do ... more
Girl With Fire - I'm with you on this one - ti's rarely a zero-sum game. I love giving my wife pleasure.

But outside of the bedroom, there is a lot of give-and-take going on. Our approach is that we have to have total trust. Whatever she does, I know that it's what she 'needs' and she in turn with me. We don't ask permission to go out with the girls (for her) or go golfing (for me). We trust that neither will do anything to jeopardize what we have together.

That's why I think marriage is so hard for couples where trust has been broken - its a never ending series of second guessing - sounds like the definition of hell-on-earth'.
01/03/2011
Contributor: Yoda Yoda
When people say their wedding vows they publicly profess to not be selfish and put the other person first. By definition, marriage is about "we".
01/04/2011
Contributor: ToyTimeTim ToyTimeTim
Quote:
Originally posted by Yoda
When people say their wedding vows they publicly profess to not be selfish and put the other person first. By definition, marriage is about "we".
This! Our relation has lasted because "We" have made the commitment to make things work. He have been through hell and came back, mostly due to our willingness to work together for the greater good.
01/04/2011
Contributor: rdytogo rdytogo
Marriage is about the we and not the me. I wouldn't have gotten married if I wanted it to be about me anymore.
01/04/2011