The New Intimacy

#SexIsSocial - Rape Isn't A Consequence

Skip to last post
Set alerts
Updates
Forum search
Contributor: Rayne Millaray Rayne Millaray




Welcome to this week's featured SexIs article:


Rape Isn't A Consequence, by LuckyLady!



From the article:
"Growing up, I was warned by many folks that there are situations we put ourselves in that can get us raped. I didn't question this until I experienced several instances at work that brought out the fear. I learned how ugly the fear is, and how the warnings seemed to endorse that rape was a consequence for making bad decisions."

Every action has an equal and opposite reaction, so sayeth the late, great Sir Issac Newton. And in most walks of life, it's true. You smack a ball with a bat, and it launches itself in the opposite direction. If you don't look where you're going, you run into things. If you ignore a plant, it dies. But where do we draw the line?

LuckyLady says that society seems to have a warped sense of consequence. When a person is mugged, we follow up asking after their health with questioning their intelligence. What were you doing in that neighborhood, alone, at night? When a person is sexually assaulted, we have a tendency to point out all the ways they facilitated their rapist. That's what you get for putting yourself in that situation.

Isn't that a little backwards?
Answers (private voting - your screen name will NOT appear in the results):
Do you see the pattern mentioned in the article in today's society?
1
Yes. People regularly blame the victim in sexual assault as if rape is some sort of punishment for not abiding by society's rules.
76
No, no one treats rape as punishment.
2
Other. (explain in the comments)
2
.
With the media's recent acknowledgement of the sex positive movement, do you think this has changed?
It's getting better.
6
It's getting worse.
4
It's stayed the same.
62
..
1
Do you think society is taking the right approach with this issue?
Yes.
2
No.
63
...
5
Is there anything a person can do to make them deserving of sexual assault?
Yes
4
No
67
....
2
What do you think people should do to protect themselves?
1
Teach people not to rape.
39
While it would be nice if the world were a better place, it isn't. Take the necessary precautions to protect yourself.
19
All of the above.
46
Other. (tell us what your approach would be in comments)
5
.....
What is your gender identity?
1
Cisfemale.
60
Cismale.
3
Transmale.
2
Transfemale.
Trans*
3
Other (leave a comment if you're so inclined)
4
Total votes: 480 (82 voters)
Poll is closed
02/01/2013
  • Upgrade Your Hands-Free Play!
  • Long-distance pleasure set for couples
  • Save Extra 20% On Love Cushion And Toy Set!
  • Complete strap-on set for extra 15% off
  • Save 50% On Shower Nozzle With Enema Set
  • 1
  • 2
  • 3
  • 4
  • 5
All promotions
Contributor: bratcat bratcat
im surprised and appalled to see people truly feel that someone can be deserving of rape under some sort of circumstance, which i think really illustrates some of what this article is touching on. even with large scale events such as slut walk that is getting media attention rape culture still is the norm for many cultures: people are still being questioned and shamed for what they were wearing at the time of their attack or not coming forward about their attack sooner, and so fourth. while i think it is good to practice protecting yourself (because sometimes you just dont know what can happen to you) a larger emphasis should be placed on teaching people about safe sex and consent. i belive part of a better sexual education course would be discussing consent: what it is, what are verbal and nonverbal cues of consent, and discussion about professional porn (which many young people are learning about sex from) has consenting adults who are actors and therefore play out fantasies and fetishes for money, but consent has been discussed before hand.
02/02/2013
Contributor: LuckyLady LuckyLady
oh wow! thanks for the shout out Rayne!
02/02/2013
Contributor: GONE! GONE!
I think... The focus definitely needs to be on teaching people that rape is never okay, and that rape isn't just something that happens in dark alleyways. People need to learn about consent in all situations. For example, they need to know that sleeping with someone who is plastered drunk without prior consent is not okay.
At the same time, education only goes so far and everyone should carry around pepper spray or something anyway cuz' someone who is completely nuts isn't going to take anti-rape education to heart any more than a serial killer would take the whole "do not kill" thing to heart.
02/02/2013
Contributor: sillylilkitten sillylilkitten
I'm actually appalled to see at the time I took this poll that 2 people had selected the option for saying that someone can do something that makes them deserve to be sexually assaulted. Completely disgusted.
02/02/2013
Contributor: Khanner Khanner
I recently read an article that linked a perp-targeting ad campaign against rape to a decline in sexual assaults in Vancouver. I really hope this trend continues.
02/02/2013
Contributor: LuckyLady LuckyLady
Quote:
Originally posted by Khanner
I recently read an article that linked a perp-targeting ad campaign against rape to a decline in sexual assaults in Vancouver. I really hope this trend continues. ... more
thanks for the link, that's a great campaign!
02/03/2013
Contributor: Pixel Pixel
Quote:
Originally posted by sillylilkitten
I'm actually appalled to see at the time I took this poll that 2 people had selected the option for saying that someone can do something that makes them deserve to be sexually assaulted. Completely disgusted.
It's three people now, and I share your shock and disgust at the thought that anyone actually thinks that.
02/04/2013
Contributor: SneakersAndPearls SneakersAndPearls
I don't believe someone can do something that makes them deserving of rape. I also believe we should be teaching our kids/teens what rape is and to absolutely not do it. At the same time, I don't think we should do away with teaching people precautions. After all, we teach people not to steal, but we still lock our cars. There should really be both (teaching people not to rape AND teaching basic precautions), not one or the other.
02/04/2013
Contributor: Femme Mystique Femme Mystique
I'm also very shocked that anyone would indicate that another person could be deserving of sexual assault. No one has the right to sexually assault another person, period.
02/04/2013
Contributor: captainsgirl captainsgirl
Quote:
Originally posted by Rayne Millaray




Welcome to this week's featured SexIs article:


Rape Isn't A Consequence, by LuckyLady!



From the article:
"Growing up, I was warned by many folks that there are situations we put ourselves in ... more
you are NEVER to be blamed for being raped...what a shameful sad thing to say.
02/04/2013
Contributor: Rayne Millaray Rayne Millaray
Quote:
Originally posted by SneakersAndPearls
I don't believe someone can do something that makes them deserving of rape. I also believe we should be teaching our kids/teens what rape is and to absolutely not do it. At the same time, I don't think we should do away with teaching people ... more
Here, here!
02/04/2013
Contributor: LuckyLady LuckyLady
If ya'll have read my article so far you know that I'm not surprised there are those who think rape is justifiable. I'm 100% with you guys that it is disgusting someone could think that it was. I could be mad at those people but they only further validate my observations of blame and finger pointing that I discussed in the article. Which is a good thing because we set our eyes on the real issues instead of sweeping it under the rug, where it has been for ages. This is a great poll, it's both interesting and eye-opening.
02/04/2013
Contributor: epiphanyjayne epiphanyjayne
I think some people are just so narrow minded, like if you dress a certain way or act a certain way you are just asking for rape. what men have no morals or self control? STUPID!
When some one assaults you no matter the circumstance this is illegal and wrong and not your fault for some one else' s actions/choices.
02/05/2013
Contributor: emiliaa emiliaa
No one is asking for rape, no one deserves rape, blame is on the abuser / rapist, never the victim..
02/05/2013
Contributor: B/C I CAN B/C I CAN
We can try teaching people not to rape someone, but I really don't think when it comes down to it that the "No means no" talk will help
02/06/2013
Contributor: Ansley Ansley
Quote:
Originally posted by B/C I CAN
We can try teaching people not to rape someone, but I really don't think when it comes down to it that the "No means no" talk will help
Outside of a true-blue serial rapist, most rapes occur during fits of anger and it's about feeling powerless in the face of rejection. Teaching people to respect the bodies and affirmations of other people should be a no-brainer. When you have respect for other people just solely based on the fact they are indeed alive and human - with the emotions, wants, and desires that come with it - it becomes difficult to harm them just because you feel like it.

Teaching our children that you do not touch someone else's body unless invited to do so is a really great place to start but it shouldn't be the only measure taken.

I agree with what some others have said - we protect ourselves against every other crime out there as much as possible, why is there this cry of "oh you're victim-blaming" when someone dares suggest that maybe, just maybe walking down that alley by yourself at night is a bad idea?
02/06/2013
Contributor: B/C I CAN B/C I CAN
I think some girls put themselves in "iffy" situations, for example if a girl is known for sleeping around or taking home a new guy she doesn't know every drunken night and then regretting it later, though I DEFINITELY DO NOT consider this a reason to be assaulted.

However, when a girl does things like this guys may think of her as "easy" and not take her seriously when she turns them down. Some guys have trouble realizing if a girl is playing hard to get or whether they are trying to turn you down easily. I often end up walking away from a girl who might just be trying to play down her interest in me. My current gf says I've done this to her. Reason being, I don't want to be in a situation where I'm forcing something on her, I like to play it safe.

Also, it is always good to be very assertive and straightforward when saying no. If a guy "mistakes" a serious no for an invitation though, I have no pity for him and I'm quite disgusted by the guys who actually go through with trying to pursue sex from someone that isn't interested.

I have been sexually assaulted by someone before who was trying to blackmail me, and I do somewhat blame myself for being in a sticky situation and letting her have that power over me. That being said, girls can also be at fault for rape. Also, I work with a girl who claims she isn't afraid to say that somebody has raped her or harassed her to get that person fired. That is very immature and insensitive.
02/07/2013
Contributor: Sbmsvschoolgirl Sbmsvschoolgirl
I agree that no deserves to be raped, so it makes me curious as to what those people who voted yes to the question 'is there something a person can do to deserve sexual assault' would say to argue their point of view....
02/07/2013
Contributor: Kynky Kytty Kynky Kytty
When I was in high school, we had to watch a documented rape. It was a dramatization, but it showed every moment lived by the victim. Before, during and after the rape. They wanted us to see what it was like, and it was shocking. I really do hope that it made others see it as something wrong and devastating as I did.
02/07/2013
Contributor: bratcat bratcat
Quote:
Originally posted by B/C I CAN
I think some girls put themselves in "iffy" situations, for example if a girl is known for sleeping around or taking home a new guy she doesn't know every drunken night and then regretting it later, though I DEFINITELY DO NOT consider ... more
It is very important that all people, regardless of gender, can be raped or rape. There is a terrible stigma for men though that they simply cannot be raped or sexually assaulted by women - the movie horrible bosses really illustrated that point rather well. So it's very hard to gauge the amount of men who are raped because of this stigma, depending on what study to look at it's anywhere between 1 in 50 men or 1 in 33 men will be sexually assaulted, and that information is really subjective seeing that it's unlikely many men will come forward with their assault.
For women the stigma is there, but the public dose tend to believe women can and will be raped (however we are seen as inviting the behavior most of the time), unlike the stigma that simply states man CAN NOT be raped.
Where i understand where you come from, because of slut shaming it makes it much easier for predators to take advantage of women they see as "easy" to always be someone who wants sex, even when they say no or suggest they do not want sex via their body language.
Sometimes saying no is hard (i know for someone like me who is very passive sayign no is something very hard to do, even if im in a situation where i feel unsafe), but we tend to use our body language to show when we are feeling uncomfortable, and that is something more people should really look for when it comes to consent. Not to mention we have situations where someone is pressured/coerced into saying yes, and that is still rape because it was still a forced action the person didnt want to take part in. And of course any one is allowed to turn down the invitation of sex even after giving consent, but if the other part is refusing to stop that is also rape.
I believe its up to both parties to get total consent and be understanding if one of the parties decided they no longer consent to the action. But teaching sex ed and what consent it and that it should always be practiced is something we really need to be teaching our kids because it is likely that the rate of people who are raped in the US would taper down.
02/07/2013
Contributor: LuckyLady LuckyLady
Quote:
Originally posted by bratcat
It is very important that all people, regardless of gender, can be raped or rape. There is a terrible stigma for men though that they simply cannot be raped or sexually assaulted by women - the movie horrible bosses really illustrated that point ... more
bump!
02/08/2013
Contributor: 783883877299373783 783883877299373783
Rape is *NEVER* the victims fault.
02/08/2013
Contributor: wrecklesswords wrecklesswords
Quote:
Originally posted by Rayne Millaray




Welcome to this week's featured SexIs article:


Rape Isn't A Consequence, by LuckyLady!



From the article:
"Growing up, I was warned by many folks that there are situations we put ourselves in ... more
When I was raped, the first cops that came to the scene were not at all sympathetic. They treated me like it was all my fault and one of them even said "Girls like you end up in the woods out here all the time."

Girls like me? Girls like me?!

I was having a simple night out with my best friend wearing jeans and a tank top. I was at a place that I trusted and felt safe at. My only mistake was making friends with the new patio bartender. I trusted all the rest of them, so why shouldn't I have trusted him? He was the one who took advantage of me. He left me in his car in a strange neighborhood. What happened to me wasn't a consequence, it was his big character flaw.
02/18/2013
Contributor: karenm karenm
I'm sorry to say that I think the victim gets blamed a lot. And I think the approach I encountered most (like in college, girls being told "don't get raped") is definitely one-sided. I don't remember ever hearing guys told "don't rape".

Not that I know when they would've been told this, but still. I think there should be more awareness on college campuses about rape in general (information for men too and not just women) and the damage it causes to victims.
03/08/2013
Contributor: ellieprobable ellieprobable
Victim-blaming is never okay.
03/08/2013
Contributor: bayosgirl bayosgirl
There is never a valid excuse for rape. No matter what a woman wears, or how much she flirts, or how many men she's slept with. It's never Ok to assault/rape a woman. Period.
03/09/2013
Contributor: Gleb Gleb
Yes. People regularly blame the victim in sexual assault as if rape is some sort of punishment for not abiding by society's rules.
03/09/2013
Contributor: Allison.Wilder Allison.Wilder
Victim blaming is never okay and there is never a reason to say that someone deserves to get raped. Ever. Not even if she's wearing revealing clothing. Not even if she said yes but then changed her mind. Not even if...anything. There is never an excuse.

Rape is awful.

I was raped when I was 19 by a guy I dated briefly when I was 17. It started out consensual, but things were said that made me not want to have sex anymore. So I said no. Fast forward to being at the hospital going through the trauma of a rape kit. I was told that I sent the guy mixed signals by agreeing to have sex and then not wanting to continue. I was basically told that I didn't have the right to change my mind.

It's been 8 years as of this month since I was raped and I still remember word for word what the cops said. I beat myself up pretty hard for a few years, blaming myself for letting it happen and going around and around the 'what if's' of the situation. I may have made a mistake in saying 'yes' in the first place, but the second that I uttered the word 'no' that should have been the end. I'm glad I'm finally in a place where I know that it wasn't my fault.

It's not "don't get raped" it's "don't rape," plain and simple. Rape is never a consequence.
03/20/2013
Contributor: raffi raffi
ok so here's the deal ... when i was 13/14 years old i was raped by a classmate. i was furious and terrified. i got home, late, and before i could even tell my parents what happened i was screamed at and sent to my room, grounded. so that was that, there was no discussion or chance to - i had to deal with it on my own.

i put myself in a vulnerable situation with a person i didn't fully trust and i ignored my instincts. he raped me. and he's a piece of shit for doing so.

i'm very thankful, and lucky that i didn't get pregnant and i didn't contract a disease.

i moved on, because that's the only real choice you have - be miserable forever about it or just be thankful to be alive and move on.
03/21/2013