Loss and Redemption
It was a dark and stormy night. Okay, okay… it really was dark and stormy! Although it was almost a full moon, the clouds obscured the light. Staring up at the sky, it looked as if it was just a yellow splash on a watercolor painting. The rain had finally let up; earlier it had been hitting the window like a thousand tiny needles fighting to get in.
At least the electricity was still on. The cable had long since given up and thus, there was no Internet or TV for companionship. I walked to the bookcase to choose something to read, just to pass the time until either the cable came back on or I thought I might be able to sleep. Nothing looked interesting enough to me to even consider.
God, how I hated being alone, especially when there was a storm. I always used to cuddle up in bed with Ashley on night like this, all warm and safe with her in my arms. Maybe there would be steaming cups of herbal tea on the night stand, plenty of cigarettes to smoke and some jazz on the radio. We would nibble cookies and talk about anything and everything that came to our minds.
“Shit!” I tried to shake the scene from my mind. That never worked, by the way.
I had looked my entire life for someone like Ashley. She was my muse, my soul mate and my life. Since she left me, all I did was drink coffee, smoke cigarettes to excess and brood. My friends had long since given up trying to get me out of this dank place I chose to exist in. And let there be no mistake, I did choose to live here, in the solitude and the stark quiet, never writing anything anymore and never returning anyone’s calls. I wanted to be here. I wanted to hurt.
It was the guilt that kept me here. No amount of reason or pleading by my friends would ever convince me that it wasn’t my fault she was gone. I had done the counseling, just to keep them off my back for awhile, and that did nothing to relieve my guilt either. Everyone else in the world could think I couldn’t have done anything differently, but in my soul I knew I could have. I could have changed the course of events that led me inexorably to this night. This night of darkness, of storm-assisted pain and the bleeding cut of loss.
I guess in one way I was lucky. I had sold enough books when I still had my muse beside me to support myself without ever writing again. Without that, I guess I would be in the gutter, living in a cardboard box I decorated with my loss; just a crazy shopping cart woman who cried herself to sleep every night. The money allowed me to live well as I cried myself to sleep. It gave me the freedom to cut myself off from everyone and everything and just exist.
As happened so many times before, my mind wandered to the idea of suicide. But I would never do it. Never. First because I was so fearful that if I did kill myself, I would never have the chance to reunite with Ashley in the afterlife, if there was one. The second reason, maybe the most intense one to me, was that I felt that I deserved this pain, deserved this solitary loneliness and constant knowledge of loss. This is what I deserve, and I will pay the price every moment of every day for the rest of my life.
And still it will not be enough; never enough retribution to cleanse my soul.
I lay on the couch, thinking of pain and loss, and I fell asleep. At least I thought I was asleep, although I had no memory of waking up. I just knew that one moment I was alone on the couch, and the next moment I was staring at Ash.
She was there, real and solid, smiling at me with that silly, crooked smile of hers. I rushed into her arms, and she held me as my tears flowed. How could she be real? But she was, and that was all that mattered in that crystal moment.
We made our way to the couch, and in no time we were kissing. Oh, those full lips and the long, slow, juicy kisses I had missed so much! I felt her hand move over my breast and my nipples hardened to her touch. Our breath came hard and fast in perfect unison. Her hand moved lower, over my belly. Not a word was spoken between us…
Then her fingers forced my robe open and found that spot, that one place where I had missed her so much these months. My legs spread wide and her fingers parted my pussy lips just as expertly as ever. She began to run a circle around my hard clit with her finger, teasing it until I thought I would pass out in my need for release.
As one finger played my clit like a violin, other fingers found my very wet hole, and explored the entrance. I panted like a dog, pushed myself against her fingers, wanting, needing, and just praying for them to take me.
As they forced their way inside me, my brain simply exploded in orgasm. I came and came, the first time since she had left me. I heard her breath in my ear, felt its heat. My senses were completely lost to me and I only felt her.
She held me in her arms after, and when I tried to speak she put one finger to my lips. She shook her head, ‘no’ and I was silenced. She stood, backed up away from me and as she did, light filled the room. She beckoned me with a hand, calling to me to follow. I flew off the couch and into her arms.
The warm light engulfed us both and I knew we would always be together now. I knew she did not blame me for the car crash. Together, forever together in each other’s arms. I was happy again.
It was a dark and stormy night. Okay, okay… it really was dark and stormy! Although it was almost a full moon, the clouds obscured the light. Staring up at the sky, it looked as if it was just a yellow splash on a watercolor painting. The rain had finally let up; earlier it had been hitting the window like a thousand tiny needles fighting to get in.
At least the electricity was still on. The cable had long since given up and thus, there was no Internet or TV for companionship. I walked to the bookcase to choose something to read, just to pass the time until either the cable came back on or I thought I might be able to sleep. Nothing looked interesting enough to me to even consider.
God, how I hated being alone, especially when there was a storm. I always used to cuddle up in bed with Ashley on night like this, all warm and safe with her in my arms. Maybe there would be steaming cups of herbal tea on the night stand, plenty of cigarettes to smoke and some jazz on the radio. We would nibble cookies and talk about anything and everything that came to our minds.
“Shit!” I tried to shake the scene from my mind. That never worked, by the way.
I had looked my entire life for someone like Ashley. She was my muse, my soul mate and my life. Since she left me, all I did was drink coffee, smoke cigarettes to excess and brood. My friends had long since given up trying to get me out of this dank place I chose to exist in. And let there be no mistake, I did choose to live here, in the solitude and the stark quiet, never writing anything anymore and never returning anyone’s calls. I wanted to be here. I wanted to hurt.
It was the guilt that kept me here. No amount of reason or pleading by my friends would ever convince me that it wasn’t my fault she was gone. I had done the counseling, just to keep them off my back for awhile, and that did nothing to relieve my guilt either. Everyone else in the world could think I couldn’t have done anything differently, but in my soul I knew I could have. I could have changed the course of events that led me inexorably to this night. This night of darkness, of storm-assisted pain and the bleeding cut of loss.
I guess in one way I was lucky. I had sold enough books when I still had my muse beside me to support myself without ever writing again. Without that, I guess I would be in the gutter, living in a cardboard box I decorated with my loss; just a crazy shopping cart woman who cried herself to sleep every night. The money allowed me to live well as I cried myself to sleep. It gave me the freedom to cut myself off from everyone and everything and just exist.
As happened so many times before, my mind wandered to the idea of suicide. But I would never do it. Never. First because I was so fearful that if I did kill myself, I would never have the chance to reunite with Ashley in the afterlife, if there was one. The second reason, maybe the most intense one to me, was that I felt that I deserved this pain, deserved this solitary loneliness and constant knowledge of loss. This is what I deserve, and I will pay the price every moment of every day for the rest of my life.
And still it will not be enough; never enough retribution to cleanse my soul.
I lay on the couch, thinking of pain and loss, and I fell asleep. At least I thought I was asleep, although I had no memory of waking up. I just knew that one moment I was alone on the couch, and the next moment I was staring at Ash.
She was there, real and solid, smiling at me with that silly, crooked smile of hers. I rushed into her arms, and she held me as my tears flowed. How could she be real? But she was, and that was all that mattered in that crystal moment.
We made our way to the couch, and in no time we were kissing. Oh, those full lips and the long, slow, juicy kisses I had missed so much! I felt her hand move over my breast and my nipples hardened to her touch. Our breath came hard and fast in perfect unison. Her hand moved lower, over my belly. Not a word was spoken between us…
Then her fingers forced my robe open and found that spot, that one place where I had missed her so much these months. My legs spread wide and her fingers parted my pussy lips just as expertly as ever. She began to run a circle around my hard clit with her finger, teasing it until I thought I would pass out in my need for release.
As one finger played my clit like a violin, other fingers found my very wet hole, and explored the entrance. I panted like a dog, pushed myself against her fingers, wanting, needing, and just praying for them to take me.
As they forced their way inside me, my brain simply exploded in orgasm. I came and came, the first time since she had left me. I heard her breath in my ear, felt its heat. My senses were completely lost to me and I only felt her.
She held me in her arms after, and when I tried to speak she put one finger to my lips. She shook her head, ‘no’ and I was silenced. She stood, backed up away from me and as she did, light filled the room. She beckoned me with a hand, calling to me to follow. I flew off the couch and into her arms.
The warm light engulfed us both and I knew we would always be together now. I knew she did not blame me for the car crash. Together, forever together in each other’s arms. I was happy again.
